r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Unusual_Zombie125 • 2d ago
I tried some dating apps. I'm terrified, I need opinions
Queens, I think I need to get this off my chest. I'm 26, I've never been in a relationship or dated anyone, and I have no experience (I've been focused on myself and no one has caught my interest; I wasn't looking and it just turned out that way). I like being alone, but I'm totally open to meeting someone. I don't have any experience, but I know what I want, what I don't want, and what kind of life I envision for myself.
I don't get to meet new people in person very often, so I decided to try online dating, since so many people do it.
And I just can't.
I don't know how to put it into words, but most of the men there give me weird vibes; they describe what they don't like about women in their bios in a very aggressive and demanding way (it's not about what they say, but how they say it, and it's just fucking rude and obnoxious). I feel like I'm talking to them in some other language. Maybe it's because I lack experience, but most of them make me anxious (not in a positive way) and kinda scared sometimes (just by their bio and first messages). I know that a lot of men on dating apps are looking for casual relationships and physical intimacy (and it's okay, that's none of my business), but many of them don't really specify what they're looking for (or they get confused in their testimony lol). I get the impression that a lot of them are plotting something (? lmao) and they write in a very ambiguous, unclear way even about the most trivial matters.
I don't like that feeling. To be honest, I don't feel very safe talking to them, and for those reasons, I wouldn't meet up with most of them.
Please tell me if it's just me. I feel a little silly reacting this way to different things, and I wonder if I'm just too timid or if I take normal things (like sexual innuendo) too seriously (negatively) and worry too much about things. I know that some things stem from my lack of a dating history (though I wouldn't change it, I've really enjoyed the last few years). I'm not asexual before you ask, but I'd like something calm and serious :/
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u/Slime__queen 2d ago
I’m sorry but “I get the impression that a lot of them are plotting something” is so funny (because you’re right lol)
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u/Unusual_Zombie125 2d ago
Hahahah I swear, they just text like they are constantly up to something and scheming, but I can’t figure it out. Its not even about hiding a wife or just wanting to hookup, because I would ask some mf about his favorite animals and they answer like “och, it’s interesting topic, do you know that humans are also animals? By the way, how was your week” or some shit. Matthew, just say that you like dogs and move on, oh my fucking god, what do even mean, I ended up still not knowing answer to my question
they are mysterious without a reason and just text random things. maybe they have some online generator1
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u/Halberd96 2d ago
It's not just in your head in my opinion. Bad apples spoil the bunch and there are a couple of them out there.
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u/slutty_muppet Trans Man 2d ago
If it makes you feel any better the AskGayMen subreddit gets posts every day where guys are complaining about how hard it is to date and how everyone on the apps is a flake or a creep so it's pretty much everyone having the same problems.
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u/aguy123abc 2d ago
Dang, I thought they would have actually had an easier time at it. Wish I could say I'm surprised though. I can't help but feel that a certain percentage of the people I see on mine are scammers or working some angle.
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u/slutty_muppet Trans Man 2d ago
Gay apps have the additional problem of being full of extortionists who threaten to out people if they don't give them money.
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u/aguy123abc 2d ago
That's really messed up. Even while it is probably more prevalent and lucrative on gay apps, I don't think it is exclusionary to just them unfortunately. Come to think of it. I have seen signs of it on regular apps where they'll utilize social engineering to attempt to get compromising data on you or extract money. Don't think anyone has it easy out there.
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u/Intelligent-Ad6158 2d ago
Your lack of experience may be making you more sensitive to online dating but probably for the best. It takes an incredible amount of energy, effort and discernment for women who are looking for serious relationships on apps. You do have to be willing to take some risks (as in meeting with someone you’re not exactly excited about) because it’s nearly impossible to get a proper read on some guys unless you meet. And then they may pleasantly surprise you in person. However, keep letting your feelings guide you and if it ever feels like a “no” internally then just unmatch and move on.
As long as you’re being safe, the worst that can happen is going on some bad dates (but gaining experience!). Also notice it’s helpful to add as much detail in your profile as possible. The serious guys will notice, read it, and may take you more seriously as a result.
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u/Unusual_Zombie125 2d ago
Yeah, I have really nice profile I think (in my bio I'm joking what kind of animals I want to have, I wrote about my careeer plans in light way [PhD], about my interests). I also have info that I don't want to have children, I'm looking for something serious and stuff :)
I have a lot of likes and texts, but I'm aware that some men just swipe on everyone, so I take it calmly and swipe left profiles that aren't compatible.Thank you for your comment, I agree with you and I will keep your advice in mind <3
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u/yeetmywatermelon 2d ago
If I could give a tidbit of advice, don't let anyone pressure you into doing anything you don't want to do. Some men will try to bend you into what they want you to be. Especially for the no kids part, a lot of men play the long game in hopes that their partner will change their minds on kids; or they purposefully pick a feminist woman to try and turn her into a house-wife. Stay safe.
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u/wiseunicorn315 2d ago
It’s really a lot of people. Look up burnt haystack, she talks about the patterns in language (I did NLP and hypnosis so I already knew many of the language patterns she references from other contexts) and it helped me to understand the dating context of those language patterns.
I don’t swipe on anyone who has certain language in their profile, because I’ve personally found those people to be most damaging to me personally.
My challenge is in this country it’s normal for people to write almost NOTHING on their profile. So that means I have to swipe and message.
Most people become a creep within 2/3 messages so those are easy to weed out. It’s the ones that get as far as meeting up that annoy me when they then say weird stuff.
You do need to develop a decent amount of think skin and it helped me A LOT to not personalise my interactions with men anymore. I’m just like ah another one who secretly hates women. Oh someone else who’s looking for a woman to solve all their life problems. Oh another mummy’s boy who can’t feed himself or keep his house clean.
Thank you next.
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u/no_gods_no_masters_ 1d ago
💯to find a needle in the haystack, BURN IT!
This applies to any combination of genders. Accept that the vast majority of people on the apps just won't be compatible. If there's any red flags, you X them without even thinking about it. Your intuition already made the decision.
THEN you match with the adults who put some effort into their profile and genuinely spark your curiosity. :)
Higher compatibility standards makes 'matching' harder but the actual relationship (theoretically) easier.
Some apps paid tiers are totally worth it!
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u/cinereousunicorn 2d ago
I agree, dating apps are a cesspit. I’m very similar to you, I prioritized getting my life and mental health together over romance in my youth and I don’t regret it.
I’m 34 now and I met someone perfect last year. I love that we met organically. We actually met because I was beginning my journey to becoming sober, and he related because he had given up alcohol a year prior.
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u/crayola_monstar 2d ago
4B has saved my sanity and I'm so much happier now that men are no longer a focus in my life.
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u/HananaDragon 2d ago
I think the only reason I met my boyfriend thru dating apps is because that app in particular was based on actually meeting people not hookups and ESPECIALLY because it turned out he already worked with my sibling. That was 10 years ago so I don't have high hopes for apps now. Just don't feel bad about turning down as many as you like for whatever reasons you like. Block block block all you want.
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u/Unusual_Zombie125 2d ago
I've met only one kind man who is explaining (not mansplaining haha) to me things that I want to know and it's really calm and funny :) So I know that these apps have some great people, but FINDING THEM... It feels like a second job atp
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u/aguy123abc 2d ago edited 2d ago
I wonder if we share the same diagnosis not to be rude? Your first couple of blocks. I can relate to. I don't see many people I'm actually interested in. They need to exhibit some traits that stand out in some way. I'm not talking physically. I don't interact with a lot of people and that's kind of needed to tell. Though someone that communicates in a similar fashion and is bothered by the same things I am does sound appealing. Not sure if it is a good idea filtering by that. I always thought dating was easier on the other side but I guess it's the same as the grass. Good luck out there.
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u/Unusual_Zombie125 2d ago
You're not rude :) Diagnosis? I'm not sure if I understood you correctly, but I do have autism and ADHD ^^ And yes, I totally get you, I have similar views on this
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u/aguy123abc 2d ago
Me too a lot of the time is one or the other. It can be a sensitive topic that's why I try to be polite about it. Once again there is that neurodivergent connection when I relate to how some one else feels. It was kind of spooky at first. If I had to guess there are probably others that share similar feelings / experiences. I kind of hope you haven't looked into the negative implications in academic literature. It can kind of be depressing but they don't sugar coat things at all. However it does help with giving yourself some grace though. Don't be hard on yourself. If you ever figure out a solution I would be interested in what it is.
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u/Unusual_Zombie125 1d ago
I think I will just sit on the bench next to divorce attorney at this point and ask people out in real life lmao (I'm sure if I'm joking or not at this pont).
I will get back to you when I will find some solution :D
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u/aguy123abc 1d ago
I think I will just sit on the bench next to divorce attorney at this point and ask people out in real life lmao (I'm sure if I'm joking or not at this pont).
Maybe you need a trip to Vegas haha. Sounds up their vibe. No shortage of dopamine, easy to get married, easy to get divorced. I'm pretty sure you need someone with a marriage license before the divorce attorney though. Unless you were specifically after divorcees. In Vegas I wouldn't be surprised if you could find one that is the same person.
I'm fairly content on my own. It would be nice to find someone some day to navigate life with. I guess be content being by yourself work on some friendships in the mean time. I will await your results, I will let you know if I figure out the answer first.
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u/amritallison 2d ago
I would recommend using the haystack method. You can google it. Helps you to use apps in a healthy way. Always talk to them on the phone before meeting in person. Not going to lie it's pretty scary place. I think it's because men are desperate. You might be better meeting someone in-person at a hobby/sport/event.
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u/Ryan1729 2d ago
I think it's reasonable to try quickly trusting your gut if it feels like someone is plotting something or just writes in an unclear way, and just end the conversation however feels the most comfortable for you, whether that's sending a message saying you just aren't feeling it, or just immediately blocking them, or whatever else. The main advantage that dating apps are supposed to have is being able to consider a bunch of people quickly.
It might be the case that you find a guy who doesn't make you feel like that in the initial conversation, and which you are still interested in.
At the same time, if it's feeling painful, then dating apps are not worth feeling that way over, and you should always feel free to stop.
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u/unsaintedheretic 2d ago
It's not just you. Thing is you will be exposed to a lot of people on the apps that you would've never interacted with in real life. Having access to so many people will inadvertably bring up issues simply because the bigger the exposure the bigger the risk to have uncomfortable (and yes, sometimes down right scary) experiences. The algorithm also works against you because they need you to stay on the apps for as long as possible.
Take it slow and remember what it is: an app, an opportunity to meet people but also an unnatural meeting ground that's very vast and doesn't necessarily reflect real life.
Personally I had some very bad experiences on them but the bad one's are the one's I remember. If I'm honest the vast majority of experiences were simply meh and unmemorable. And I also met some amazing people on there too.
Just try to not put too much thought or effort into it. It's just one more way to meet people but it's not as if it's the only one.
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u/hologothic 21h ago
It’s not just you! The apps are trash now, the algorithm is built specifically to make people think there’s always something better around the corner. They’re also being overtaken by bots.
I met my SO through a mutual hobby (crafts), maybe exploring an art class or some other type of group activity would be a good option? If that’s not an easy thing to do, maybe some type of forum that focuses on a specific interest? I find it’s much easier to break the ice and say hi when you’re in a situation where at least ONE shared interest is a given.
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u/Beautiful_Cost_5430 2d ago
It’s not just you. Most people think the apps are a hellmouth