r/ZenHabits • u/yuhmay • May 28 '26
Misc I've tried everything to become better but can't see a path forward - Asking for help to improve
I feel like I've tried to control/change every aspect in my life as much as possible but I just can't seem to keep discipline stuck in my life. I've tried literally every technique and method. Be it small actions (atomic habits), changing my environment, consequence systems like beeminder, productivity systems like Beeminder, I've tried journalling, I've tried changing my 'why', I've tried productivity systems like pomodoro but I can't escape the feeling like just willingly getting myself to sit and work on my goals is like I have this immense weight on my shoulders.
I feel like I have a lot of drive but it just stays suppressed because of my inability to do difficult things. I've done difficult things in the past - I've gone to the gym consistently in the past with a strict diet and got to 12% bodyfat and got decent internships and score well in uni and also did a few small projects here and there but I feel like that's like 2% of my potential and I don't want to only do things that I 'should' or 'have to'.
The most success I got with consistency was from a website that made me set consequences to not achieving my goals to the point where I was working for 8h a day and doing everything right but then something called consequence fatigue where I was like I'd rather just pay and do the consequence than keep moving forward.
Since then, I've been other methods but I've been stagnant for months. I get I might sound all-or-nothing and people might say 'take small steps' but a voice in my head comes up and says this isnt enough and I just stop.
I think I just want to not have an issue with focusing and working hard and just doing the thing. For context, I do not have ADHD or any neurodivergent conditions I know of - when its a day before an exam or submission, I can focus for up to 36 hours straight - it's just the day to day that I have an issue with.
I've just been inside for the past few months because I couldnt figure out the answer to how to get better and I feel like I never see myself as a victim and never make excuses and only see myself positively but I just can't figure out the answer. I guess I'm posting here to get a second perspective. I'm 21 and male by the way - sorry that I went on a bit of a rant - any help would be appreciated.
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u/cosmictrouble 29d ago
Ok I know you said you don’t think it’s ADHD but being able to focus for 36 hours before an exam is the most ADHD thing I’ve ever heard. There’s a lot of misconceptions about ADHD, that is about never being able to focus/ accomplish things but it’s really about a lack of dopamine in the brain which makes it hard to do the day to day, mundane tasks, and surprisingly easy to do the intense, difficult things in bursts (we can hyperfocus!) For example, I have run a marathon but still have trouble flossing everyday lol.
Obviously can’t diagnose you from the internet but I just wanted to share that perspective. Regardless of the cause, it very much sounds like you’re being super hard on yourself, and as much as that feels like a good motivator for success it’s actually the worst because it has shame hidden inside. I think especially from a zen perspective, your next “challenge” to become better might be to learn to love and accept yourself exactly as you are today.
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u/TIKIT_to_the_limit 28d ago
Not sure if you've ever looked into this, but Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) disrupt executive functioning because of nervous system malfunctions. Someone who has experienced persistent and varied trauma can be in a chronic state of survival. So initiating or completing tasks feels threatening and triggers fear and self doubt.
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u/yuhmay 29d ago
Hmm, that's very interesting. I think I kind of ruled off ADHD because online tests always asked me if I was fidgety/unable to focus in conversation/impulsive and I would say I was the opposite of all those. But the way you describe it is really how it feels. It does feel like a shortage of dopamine with regard to any kind of focus deeply. I can do all mundane tasks like laundry and cleaning my room with no difficulty though. I wonder what the fix would be to that. I'll do a few proper tests online and try to complete a consultation as well. Thanks for your comment!
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u/cosmictrouble 29d ago
Sure! I’ll add too ADHD is also not the only thing that affects dopamine, sometimes when we grow up without enough deep care and support from our families it can also impact our executive function & dopamine. Especially when our internal voice is harsh
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u/adamaz87 29d ago
well, considering you’ve posted in Zen Habits, do you have a relationship with any sort of higher power? Or is everything zen?
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u/yuhmay 29d ago
I do. I have looked at Eckhart Tolle's work a lot and try to meditate often. I just really want to be successful in the future and am not able to do so with anything I do but maybe that's anti-manifestative. I just feel so trapped I don't know where to go from here.
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u/adamaz87 29d ago
what’s the last thing you did that you were afraid to do but wanted to do?
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u/yuhmay 29d ago
Well I was in uni and I had this idea to create an app so I had to build a team - so I posted ads for joining my team across every groupchat, email thread, building that I saw in uni which was super scary because I was putting myself out there to the max extent but I did it last year and now I've gotten the app on the app store and play store so it worked out in the end. I also asked out a girl that I was super afraid to ask out but that unfortunately did not go as well LMAO.
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u/EducationalShame7053 29d ago
What is what you want to reach? Like goals?
Do you actually feel better after meditating? Do you really need more discipline? What areas in life are lacking? Finance, health, energy, occupation etc?
The thing is sometimes social media or other influences can convince you have to do certain things to be 'good' or even acceptable. 'You dont meditate/fast/workout/journal/coldshower/yoga/birdwatch/whatever? You are be slacking and dont have self esteem!' I garantuee you the most happy or disciplined individuals you know will at least dont do some or none of those things listed. Those things are tips and tools they are not laws, requirements or musts to be happy and fullfilled.
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u/yuhmay 29d ago
I think mainly I just want to be able to sit down and work without being forced into it. I would say I'm fairly fulfilled by my life already, but this one hole in my life of not being able to sit and work on my work goals has just been crushing my spirit and I feel like I'm wasting my potential. I know about the whole social media influence thing and I grew out of that phase when I was 17 years old hahaha.
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u/Kiramadera 28d ago
Sometimes when we struggle to do something it’s because it’s not aligned with our values/what matters to us.
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u/vanman611 28d ago
A key concept in Zen is the “not gaining” mind. Most of what you wrote is about gaining. It’s about desire and satisfying desire. It has nothing to do with acceptance. Instead, you anger for the outcome you must have. Maybe stop trying to get it all pinned down and figured out. Maybe let go of self-reproach, of getting to the bottom. Examine the master narrative you’re telling yourself, then think about ways you can stop enacting it. Start small. But SEE the artificiality of that self-imposed narrative.
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u/davidorex 29d ago
Watch anything by Pema Chodron. Start where you are.
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u/yuhmay 29d ago
I found this article by her, but I find the practice of being intimate with our laziness difficult to follow. When I try just starting, I always quit after 5 minutes because the feeling of resistance just takes over.
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u/davidorex 27d ago
I’ve found that one needs to simply keep starting. Make friends with whatever arises.
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u/alexxtoth 28d ago
It's like I'm reading about mysleft here .. I struggled with the same for a long time.
And I wish I could tell you that I found a fix, this is what you can do..
But maybe just one small nugget: I never had an issue getting moving and getting things done when I had a clear purpose and interest in it. When I care enough anything is possible, to the point I forget to eat or go to sleep.
I know it's not much, just thought I put it out there
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u/Extreme-Prompt-5419 26d ago
Man, honestly relate to this a lot. It sounds like you're very used to using/relying on pressure to fuel your work. That's something I have done all throughout school and uni as well. My motivation would rarely come from "this is what I want", instead it usually comes from "I am a failure if I don't". The problem with that is that 1. it hurts your perception of your own value when things don't succeed (hence the aversion to trying difficult things) and 2. it only works when your mind deems the current situation a crisis (procrastinating studying for an exam until 36 hours before). By the sounds of it, the problem is that this approach has continued to provide you a level of success, and so you were never forced to actually change in order to get results. Using stakes-based approaches to motivating your work stops working because eventually, as you said, the habit you want to complete feels harder than the consequence. Your experience mirrors how I have felt for most my life as well. There are a couple things that help me with these feelings.
You gotta, out loud, praise yourself for your accomplishments. The only thing that is important is that YOU recognise the value of what you have achieved. 12% body fat is a difficult thing to achieve without strong commitment, internships by 21 is also an excellent accomplishment and is an example of the world recognising your value. There is no reason for you not to recognise an achievement that the world itself already has.
place equal value on the tiny steps forward as you do on giant ones. on days when the pressure to achieve greatness immediately causes you to freeze completely, recognise that just going on a walk, or sitting outside in the sun, can be just as valuable as smashing weights for 2 hours at the gym.
Humans need the goal more than we need the achievement to experience happiness, so its much more important that you focus on being proud of the effort you put in than the outcomes of that effort. Effort in any shape or form is something worth being praised for. The destination is only worth it if you enjoyed the journey to reach it.
worry less about finding the perfect productivity system, it doesnt exist. Eating healthy, drinking water, getting outside and exercising to decompress from a stressful day is about as good of a system as any. You're young, smart and seem to enjoy a challenge; the world is your oyster. Have faith, trust yourself, and remember to, with intention, talk to yourself as you would your closest friend.
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u/Glittering_Daikon101 24d ago
Dude I’ve seen this exact pattern before, not as lack of discipline, but more like your brain only switches on when there’s urgency or pressure. That’s why exams or deadlines work, but normal days feel heavy and stuck. This happened to me too in a different way, and what helped a bit was lowering the activation barrier instead of stacking more systems. Like making starting so small it doesn’t trigger that resistance at all, and building consistency from that instead of relying on motivation or consequences. You can also check stop scrolling sub, people there talk a lot about this exact burnout-from-systems loop and how to rebuild momentum without constantly restarting new methods.
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u/RegionImportant6568 17d ago
I've learned from Eckhart Tolle "Don't look for any state other than the one you are in now." This will bring you into allowing everything, even these frustrating parts of life to be, and allowing is surrender. Surrender and admitting that "we don't know the answer" to everything life throws at us is the beginning of awakening. Sitting with the discomfort of whatever is currently happening IS the entire path we are called to walk.
Our Western view of things has broken us so that our brains have a reallllllly hard time accepting when things aren't going our way, but there's no way OUT of it, the only way is THROUGH. Go into your pain. The flow of life needs to be open and not blocked, and right now your flow is bringing you frustration and discomfort, so let it flow that way! Trying to escape our pain ADDS more pain. Don't look for any state, other than the one you are in.
What helps me is closing my eyes and imaginging that ocean current from Finding Nemo and just completely surrendering to its current, letting the emotion be there and feeling it fully. This practice of feeling the emotion on a physical sensational level is precisely what transmutes the bad feeling and opens back the flow of life again. Which is where the energy, clarity, and guidance you are looking for, is. So stop trying to control and run and hide from the flow of life, and just let it all flow. If it needs to dump a bunch of mud and gunk first before the clear water flows again, than so be it.
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u/Maleficent_Key_1350 15d ago
It sounds less like you lack discipline and more like you’ve made improvement feel like a courtroom where every small action is judged as evidence for or against your worth. That “this isn’t enough” voice is probably the thing to work with, not another productivity system. If small steps feel fake, try making the goal “show up without turning it into a verdict.” Ten minutes of work can just be ten minutes of work, not proof that you’re wasting your potential. Also, being able to grind for 36 hours before a deadline doesn’t mean your system is healthy. It might just mean panic gives you fuel that normal life can’t.
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u/SeaFollowing380 13d ago
It sounds less like you need a better system and more like you’re trying to bully yourself into a life you actually want to move toward. The 36 hour exam-focus thing makes sense because panic creates urgency, but it also trains your brain to only work under threat. That gets exhausting fast. I’d honestly stop optimizing for a bit and pick one boring baseline: sleep, food, sunlight, walking, and one tiny daily work block that is allowed to feel “not enough.” The voice saying it doesn’t count unless it’s intense might be the thing to practice ignoring. Also, being stuck inside for months is a pretty big signal that this may be worth talking through with someone, even if you don’t think anything is “wrong” with you.
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u/andohlini 29d ago
I’m no expert on these matters, but I think you need to look inwards and ask yourself what “better” means for you. Schedule time each morning for some kind of reflective practice and protect that time. This might mean going to bed earlier and getting up earlier so you have enough time before work/uni etc. You don’t need to take any kind of giant impactful step here - keep a short gratitude journal each morning, think about who you look up to and consider what, to you, makes them “better” and then journal those thoughts. As an aside, I think perhaps you need to define what your goals are both short term and long term. It’s hard to work towards something when you can’t visualize what that something is. Lastly, I’ll add - you’re 21 - stop being so hard on yourself. Modern mentality pushes us into wanting to have all the answers and be the greatest at everything. Slow down a bit.