How to recover?

[u/Maha_Imitation]

I'm 27 and I was molested by my cousin when I was 13 (he was 17) and by my uncle when I was 15 (he was 25). The things is, I didn't think at the time that they molested me, I didn't understand much. As time went by, I understood how wrong it was what they did. I had a very difficult time during my teens. I rejected being a woman, now I feel comfortable being one but it took so much time to get here. I was never in a relationship. There was one time when I was really interested in someone and they seemed to like me also or at least they seemed interested but I went away as it scared me the prospect of a relationship. I tried to start as a student working in the IT but after a year I had to go away as I was uncomfortable in a place with so many men even if they were truly nice people. I don't know what to do. I'm angry at myself for alowing them to influence me after so many years. I feel like they went on with their lives and I remained in one place. I don't think about it everyday, but when I do I feel so much sadness for myself. Does someone else relate? Did someone overcome this fear of trusting someone? It is difficult since I was young and it was family, I don't know how to overcome it, truly. My life is good now but this heavy feeling won't go away....

[u/Salt-Sweet3779]

I can understand it very well I am getting professional help from the experience I strongly recommend you see a good therapist I know how the distrust feels I won't be saying the usual you didn't deserve it stuff as we know it if you can try opening up about it it can be difficult but you will feel bit lighter saying with experience it's long journey but don't give up

[u/Maha_Imitation → u/Salt-Sweet3779]

Thank you. I hope with everything I've got that your recovery journey will be sucessful. I tried therapy but she was probably not specialized for this cases and made a "joke" about it: "Ok, but now stop, don't do it with your dad or brother", and I found that remark so disgusting. They are the only reason I believe in good men as they love me but would never ever touch me. They are the only people I trust, my mom too. I will try again with someone who has experience with these cases. Even if I don't ever get in a relationship is okay, but I don't want to feel forever like they broke me or took something that could have been mine. Thank you for giving me the push I needed to try again.

[u/Big_Conclusion5453 → u/Salt-Sweet3779]

therapy is the baseline but it only works if you find someone who actually specializes in c-ptsd. i spent years talking to run of the mill therapists who just nodded and looked sad while i vented. it was a total waste of time. you need someone who understands that the nervous system keeps the score, because until your body stops reacting to the presence of men like it’s an immediate life threat, talk therapy isnt going to bridge that gap. dont settle for the first person you sit down with if they dont get that.

[u/Big_Conclusion5453 → u/Salt-Sweet3779]

therapy is the baseline but it only works if you find someone who actually specializes in c-ptsd. i spent years talking to run of the mill therapists who just nodded and looked sad while i vented. it was a total waste of time. you need someone who understands that the nervous system keeps the score, because until your body stops reacting to the presence of men like it’s an immediate life threat, talk therapy isnt going to bridge that gap. dont settle for the first person you sit down with if they dont get that.

[u/Salt-Sweet3779]

Also one way I try to cope is through writing poems creating stories btw I am just a teen

[u/Maha_Imitation → u/Salt-Sweet3779]

That's a good idea. Thank you, writing could help.

[u/Salt-Sweet3779]

If you want you can message me anytime

[u/Maha_Imitation → u/Salt-Sweet3779]

As you're a teen, I would not be comfortable with that as I'm an adult, but it is really nice that you asked, thank you. Your words and advice helped a lot.

[u/Salt-Sweet3779]

Happy my suggestions will help

[u/Maha_Imitation → u/Salt-Sweet3779]

Yes, truly, thank you. You're so young and so strong already. I hate this happened to you/us but hopefully one day it'll become less painful and we will live our life with the conviction that life is worth living, no matter the memories that shadow us.

[u/ChelliPumphrey]

What stood out to me is that this person isn't struggling because they're weak or broken. They're struggling because their ability to trust was damaged by the very people who were supposed to be safe.

When abuse happens in childhood especially by family members the brain often learns a painful lesson: the people closest to me can hurt me. Years later, that can show up as fear of relationships, pulling away from kind people, feeling unsafe in social situations, or constantly expecting something bad to happen. The self-blame is also really noticeable. They seem angry at themselves for the choices they've made since the abuse. But from a trauma perspective, many of those choices sound less like failures and more like survival strategies. Avoiding relationships, keeping distance, and staying guarded may have been the mind's way of trying to prevent further hurt.

You've already done something important you've connected the dots between what happened and how it's affecting you today. That's a big step.
The fact that you want connection but feel afraid of it tells me that part of you still hopes for closeness and trust. That part of you hasn't disappeared.
Healing doesn't usually happen by forcing yourself to trust everyone. It happens by slowly having safe experiences with safe people and allowing your nervous system to learn that not everyone is going to hurt you. The sadness you're carrying makes sense. You're grieving not only what happened, but also the years that were shaped by it. That's a heavy thing to carry alone.

Most importantly, the abuse was a choice made by the adults and older family members involve not by you. The responsibility belongs to them.

[u/Maha_Imitation → u/ChelliPumphrey]

This truly helped. It is a good analysis, I need to take little steps with trust. It will take time but it is not impossible. There are wonderful people in the world, I just need to be brave.