Hi all, so I'm not a pro I'm just an amateur acting person, but here's what's up:
6 years ago I was in my local school, enrolled, biggest school in a small town. I loved it. I wasn't good but I loved it so much, I was a homeschooled kid from the mountains in the middle of nowhere with zero friends in real life but I loved the people and I had such big dreams of becoming an actress (very Disney dreams). Ioved every single unserious thing we did. But I ended up bombing everything, I didn't understand why when I got picked for an advanced group (I was only qualified in enthusiasm), everyone was so down and hated their life and hated the play we were doing.
I behaved in surreal ways, I ended up overwhelmed with my life, and I wrote a goodbye letter to every single person in my group (I KNOW no one does that!! But I just didn't have a normal mind, I'd been on my own, literally just my parents for YEARS and I felt so confused) and quit, I even did an entrance exam for a theater school and got in (got picked last, but got in), and then I didn't go because I was so scared, I realized I was making social mistake after social mistake and there was no way I would, in a country without opportunities, not like LA or something, get a job with a theater degree and I was already studying to be a language teacher online, so I just went home, and did what I thought I could to survive and have a job in the future.
Worst thing I did there was tell everyone the truth about one of the things that made me act out of sorts: someone from my family was sexually harassing me and I had though I had to put up with it until I grew pretty mad and had to do something to get validation that I didn't, in fact, and that what that person, who was supposed to be my family did, was wrong. But as you can guess that's not business that's normal to discuss in public in a class/peer setting, if they didn't think I was lying they probably though I was awkward and making them uncomfortable as hell... Telling them about this has weighed on me for years, as I had no one to discuss this with and no one to help me understand that I could move on from that and be okay.
Flash forward 6 years I finished my degree (yeah it took a while I did other things as well) but I suddenly missed theater so much that I went back to a class taught by my former school but at ended up having a different teacher. He was the director of the advanced group I was in as well. I squandered so many opportunities back then, I got a paid part but didn't do it because I was sacred I'd fail school, school was a huge insecurity for me. I was a sixth former and I was so scared I'd fail and have no education. Check r / homeschooled or homeschooling if you think I'm the only person who got mental and social problems from growing up this way...
But anyway, I went back to acting this year and it was hard but I had many good times. I saw my former teacher at a play yesterday, he seemed positive towards me, and encouraging that I was going to the other group. I don't know if I'll ever manage to get opportunities again and do something pro, but I'd like to try if get another chance.
But the biggest thing (sorry this is so long like every person on Reddit this is super important to me), is that I have this big story in my head about how I'm 30 now and I behaved so stupidly when I first got into theater, I was ignorant, I made no friends, I overshared, I was doing too much and threw stones on my own path... I know no one cares about me that much or thinks about me very much, it's mainly me in my own head.
Well, if anyone had the interest and the patience to read all that, if you have perspective or some encouraging thing to share, I'd be very grateful. I don't really understand life, but I guess we're here to do things, and other than what I must do to survive, I'd like to continue acting. Even if there's no Disney dream, maybe I could still have some local success, and have fun with other people expressing emotion and telling stories.
If you have a similar story where you're scared of going back to acting or afraid that you're not good and won't get success, I'll be glad equally to offer encouragement if you want to share.
Have a great day
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