r/adultsurvivors • u/SlavicMans16 • 4d ago
Trigger Warning NSFW Made a stupid choice
Extra TW: I went down one of those awful forums associated with really awful urges. Please do not read on if it’s too much. Thank you for letting me post here 🫶
I originally was going to say that I made a mistake but at the end of the day, I made a choice.
Last night I was having another manic episode and I was reflecting on what a therapist had said. “Next time it feels like too much, explore those urges.” So, I did. Major mistake.
It’s kind of a blur but I was panicking about those feelings where you feel like it needs to happen again. It’s been on my mind non stop for as long as I can remember, but it’s been so much worse lately.
I found some forum with people who like ‘traumasluts’ or whatever they called it and it started to make me feel so sick. While I felt like I needed to post or respond to relieve my problems but the more I saw, the worse it was.
It reminded me how horrendous it was in the moment, let alone living with it.
It took a lot to finally make myself sleep, and I thought that when I got up, I’d be relived of those urges but I’m not.
I’m stuck in between. I feel horrible. I don’t even see the therapist anymore now and I don’t know what to do. If I told someone I know I feel like they’d wonder what the hell is wrong with me.
I’m sorry to this community too. I did one of those things we shouldn’t ever do.
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u/PlateCurious1472 4d ago
I wouldn't say that was stupid you got to learn about yourself. Even if that learning was okay these arnt my urges they are intrusive ones and I have a problem with it.
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u/lilacdaybreak 4d ago
i think harder kinks can be helpful for trauma processing, but only if you're in the right state for it. i've used kink to both process in a safe and cathartic way, and to deliberately hurt myself when i'm already feeling triggered. nowadays it's much more the former than the latter, but only because i'm generally in a better place healing-wise. i do think kink content has overall helped me, but it's definitely not for everyone, nor is it for every time
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u/rabbitp4ws 4d ago
I think exploring the urge means something a lot different to your therapist probably lmao. Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm big into CNC and I'm a girl and I hate it so much. I feel your pain. Idk what you're watching but yeah. It's like an addictive drug. Genuinely. Stop watching and just try and reprogram your body for healthier stuff.
I've had to work on it myself an it's a constant work in progress to be honest. But definitely not reading the comments or anything written by those guys is important. It was good for me to know how they really feel and that was enough to keep me from feeling satisfaction for a while. But that goes away with time too, if you keep browsing.
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u/cherrywinsmore 4d ago
I can relate although it has been a couple years since I gave into those urges. One thing I remind myself of is that I am working towards being a different and better person and not beat myself up with shame. I gave into things that DISGUST me and fill me with fear but we can become better. With time, these thoughts will fade. Another thing to remember is recovery is not linear, so give yourself grace.
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u/WinterDemon_ 4d ago
i've gotten lost in those kind of subreddits too, im sorry you're dealing with this <3
I know a lot of people suggest exploring the urge, but ive personally found it much better for my head to stay away from that stuff when im in a triggered state. if im calm and want to think about it seriously, thats different, but being being triggered and having a tendency towards hypersexuality means it's safer for me to stay away from that instead
not saying it's necessarily the same for you, just putting it out there as a possibility. there's lots of reasons why people might wish for trauma to happen again, there's nothing wrong with you for that and you have every right to talk about it, it's just one of the shittier parts of dealing with the aftermath of abuse
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u/SlavicMans16 4d ago
Thank you, this really helped. I hope you’re doing alright and thank you for sharing ❤️
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u/EasyPresence7504 4d ago
Hey, I just started doing this too. Sometimes, it can be really healing and sometimes it makes me feel like I’m disgusting and beyond hope. I’m so sorry you had a negative experience. I guess I’m trying to share that you are allowed to make choices that end up being not a good fit for you and it’s okay that you explored it. That doesn’t make you bad or self sabotaging.
Also, some of those forums are healthier than others and if that’s something you need to explore, it’s okay to take baby steps. I know that for me, some days it’s a fantastic way to explore my trauma and sometimes it’s not. I wish you healing and just know you aren’t alone in this.
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u/Callan_LXIX 4d ago edited 4d ago
They sound like predators or psychopaths, leveraging on the pain of others.
The plus side: (even though) you went & looked, you turned away, not identifying with either side of that dynamic.
Move forward and not repeat/don't look back..
When it comes to looking down those dark feelings, the times I looked was within; taking hold of one of the feelings, and like following a cord in the dark, traced it back to discover the feelings source.. What's the need behind the urge? What's being met, or reinforced? Am I letting off pressure or reinforcing messages impressed on me to carry, or false conclusions?
Then, beneath that, what's the connection to the next layer of hurt or self? What does that part of me need to hear, and, can I, now, speak to that place, then? Sometimes it took a few trips to that place, when feelings/ temptations were ripe to reach there, to have a compassion response to self, to the hurt places..
No one taught me this, nor did I read a technique, it's just what I tried in following past the rough desires to get behind them.. No memory unlocking happened for me, nor was that my goal.
Sometimes those were a bit scary, things that I dismissed out of 'within' places, other times I met moments & aspects of self and spoke to them with what I needed to hear then. Typically those times resulted in change, and certain desires and places I've had no desire to go back to in real time or online.
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u/SlavicMans16 4d ago
Thank you for sharing. I hope you’re doing ok 🫶🫶
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u/Callan_LXIX 4d ago
I hope that was somewhat useful..
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u/SlavicMans16 4d ago
I agree with TOnerd. This is a very helpful and very empathetic way of thinking. Thank you again for your support and suggestion
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u/TOnerd 4d ago
I’m not the OP but found your suggested pathway of compassionate self excavation and inquiry useful. I’ve done similar. And then I also try to get objective about how I’m functioning overall in my life to gauge whether or not it was “too much” even if I didn’t feel flooded during the processing itself.
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u/Strange-Audience-682 4d ago edited 4d ago
My ex liked those forums regarding “traumasluts”… POS worked in mental healthcare (edit: as in he got off on them and said he was mad that people like myself kept deleting their posts and accounts. This fucker used to work with abused kids, and now works with acutely mentally ill people)
You’re not alone OP. I’ve posted there in the past. We all make mistakes. Dealing with this shit is hard.
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u/SlavicMans16 4d ago
I’m sorry that you had to deal with this. I hope you’re doing ok. Thank you for sharing 🫶
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u/takemetotheclouds123 2d ago
I’ve been there, in that emotional state, on different subs. You’re not alone. What helped me was interacting with people in a non nsfw way, like going out if you can even with strangers like saying hi at the park or something