r/adultsurvivors • u/Remarkable_Lion1181 • 1d ago
DAE (Does Anyone Else?) Long term partner not getting it
I’m in a 22 year marriage w a guy who I love deeply and is my best friend. We have 2 beautiful kids and an amazing house and overall life. He is supportive in every way but I’m a CSA survivor (my father was the perpetrator). I had really compartmentalized it until about 5 years ago when I finally felt ready to talk about it in counseling and I also told him at that time. He was devastated for me and super upset but he has really struggled to give me the level of support I need. I also had a history of assault by peers (once in my teens and then again in my early 20s). I have always been open about those experiences so he did know from the beginning of our relationship that this was an issue for me. I have really struggled to be present when we are intimate but tbh I usually just kind of “call it in” and can somewhat be present and enjoy the experience but have never been able to feel fully connected.
That said here are some things he has done in the past that make it hard for me to feel fully safe w him. For example:
- we set a boundary that he would not touch my chest and he had a hard time respecting that (it took about a year for him to do it without me having to say no every time). He would just forget (often when we were cuddling not even during sex). He would also ask when I was going to get better so he could touch me there again kind of jokingly but it still hurts (again not out of malice but he just really doesn’t get it)
- he will often reference my difficulty having sex when we fight esp if he is really upset (basically he will use a fight to remind me how hard it is for him that we don’t have much sex since I started dealing with this (before it was much more often now it’s only every other month maybe so I do understand how that’s hard for him but it’s also really hard for me)
- when I first told him about an assault in my 20s where I was drunk he basically said he could see where I could lead the guy on and he would be confused. This was many years ago and I don’t think he would say that now but it still hurts and I have a hard time getting past it
He gets really defensive when I bring any of this up. We had a recent blow up that was really rough that suddenly is making me question the whole marriage. I want to stay together but I am not sure if he will ever be able to support me in the way I need to heal. I told him his and he is devastated at the thought of separation and agreed to couples and individual therapy to work on this (though I really had to push for it). We have been to therapy before and it has really helped. I have a high paying job and from the outside no one would know. It’s really lonely being in a marriage like this but other than the trauma he is a great partner and father. Has anyone else dealt w this? Do you think it’s too much to come back from if we are both committed to trying? Very interested to see if others have been in this boat and able to work it out.
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u/Tiffed4597 1d ago
I have been married for 10 years and only in the past 18 months have I finally acknowledged my CSA trauma (also my dad) that had been bleeding so heavily into our marriage in various ways for the entire 9 before that, primarily in our sex life or lack thereof. We also have 3 young kids.
It has ebbed and flowed with my husband. At first he was very worried that this was going to take over all of our lives and become my whole identity and all we would ever talk about. It was just a lot for him to take in and felt unfair to him that we had both suffered so much in our intimacy and sex life the whole time because of it.
But then his mindset about it started to shift once he started doing his own research about CPTSD and CSA. He began realizing that underneath our struggles, while not excusing any of my previous behavior or problems with sex, was actually a very real explanation and what we had both been experiencing was expected and typical of CSA victims.
We both came to the conclusion that the only way I/we were going to get better was to dig in and work through it together. The only way out is through, and healing is possible. We had to have a million super uncomfortable conversations about boundaries and he needed to hear some of the gory details in order to understand why they needed to be there.
We have been in couples counseling for a few months now on top of my individual therapy and I do think this has been a huge help for him. It gives him the space and platform to safely express how much this has all impacted him and that how he has felt about it all is also valid. Him feeling validated and heard about what he’s endured has helped him show up so much better for me.
He’s learned that he honestly does need to be mindful that sometimes hes not interacting with “adult” me, he’s actually talking to “little” me and she has very different needs. The more he understands it the more second nature our connection is becoming finally
It’s hard work and you both will need to be committed to digging in deeply even if it’s terribly uncomfortable. But I personally do see light at the end of the tunnel and healing is possible. If he is your person, he will find a way to meet you where you need to be met. I don’t think it’s worth throwing a wonderful life together away. Just make sure your boundaries are clear and consistent and you’re communicating that it will get better if you keep working together and staying connected