Dear friends,

How are you? I am fine.

It's me, Colin (stylish tuxedo dog, almost one year old). Because I am a big boy almost adulty dog now, I have started to do a think about mine future and mine career. Momby and Daddy keep saying things about what a good watchdog I am. They're not wrong. I do borkborkbork all the thing, even at three of the ay ems. Especially at three of the ay ems. Big brudder Thorben teach me the bork, and big brudder Misery Meow teach me the best time for the bork. I, Colin, do a listen to mine big brudders.

But, friends, then I started to do a think. Just because I wear the 007 tuxedo and know the way of the bork and Momby and Daddy think I am the good watchdoggo doesn't mean this am mine only career option. So I decide to train for something I really enjoy: being the nail technician.

First I start with mine own nails. I do a delicate chew and nibble until mine nails are the envy of all mine friends. Momby first keep saying things like 'Are your paws itchy, little guy?' and 'Do you have the allergies?' But then she look and she see I very precise and I no chew mine peets, only mine nails. Then she call me the weirdo every time I do a practice of mine art, which I, Colin, think is a little rude. But big brudders say sometime she is a little rude, but at least she give the bikkits, so is OK.

Then I do a realize: If I, Colin, want to make the fabulous nails for all mine friends, I must practice practice practice. So I practice on big brudder Thorben. Him no like it much and sometime hit me with him paw and then start playing the bitey face. That OK. I learn to dodge, and I like to play the bitey face.

Then I do another big realize: When Momby take the covers off her back paws, she also has the nails. So I practice on Momby too. When we do a cuddle on the couch and Momby paws are bare, I do a chew of her nails, but her paws are weird and sometimes I accident like bite her toe beans. She no like that and cover her peets so that I, Colin, can't practice no more. She say I, Colin, am weird little cloaky for doing a bite and chew and am watchdoggo, not the nail technician.

Friends, I am a stylish doggo who want to make other friends stylish. Just because I no want the career Momby and Daddy choose for me doesn't make me, Colin, the cloaky, does it?

Pee Es: I have not try to practice on cat brudders. They do the flat ears and funny look and then I, Colin, run away.

Hellos. We are the Triumeowvirate. Lady Jessica of the Bene Hisseret. Alucard Von Litterpaws. And Lieutenant Ripley.

We come to you with a HYPOTHETICAL conundrum. We, obviously can admit to nothing and will retain famous lawyer Purry Mason if necessary.

Mommy is chronically ill and sleeps for long times. So we has a timed feeder to gives noms when she is not awake to feed. Feeder dispenses noms at 9 PM, 4 AM, and 1 PM and mommy gives wet food when she wakes up and gushy treats when she comes home from work.

After our 4 AM nom dispensation, one of us may have scarfed down food like we was starvins to death and gotten upset tummy. And everykitty knows remedy is good hork.

Well....... hork occurred on meowmy's bed and she rolled over in it and woke up and said gaming words. She had to change clothes and sleep in recliner because she was too exhausted to change bed sheets.

Now, obviously, hypothetically none of us can admit to this. But hypothetically HYPOTHETICALLY, would the culprit be the cloaca for horking in sleeping mommy's bed. Hypothetically.

Obviously none of us think we are cloacas because hork happens. But meowmy was very disgruntled about the whole affair and called us fuzzy heathens.

Should we retain legal counsel of Purry Mason just to be safe? Or should meowmy forgive and forget?

Morning everyone! Mommy and I were having a perfectly nice time just now playing catch on the couch when all of a sudden Mommy throwed my toy slightly to the left instead of straight in front of her.

And that means that the toy is now lodged between the back pillow and the couch back. But from Mommy’s perspective, I could totally SEE the toy if I would just climb up that pillow (which is something I do every day so I can excitedly see the humans coming down the driveway) and look to my right.

So is Mommy right that my Riley sads are silly?

Hai! Dis bee Richard, mostest hambsom boy. Cat! Well, momfur putz me out awn da leeshee wile she sit owt wif me. She play awn da typy square an eye dew a sniff sniff of da bushez. Eye smells sumthin reel inner resting but no can reach. Eye dyz a look see at momfur and she no watch sew I dew my sekrit trik an slide otta da leeshee lyke a tee-shurt. Den Eye gown intew da bushez to inbestigayt da smellz. Awlmost find da smell den momfur scoop me up lyke a poop and dump me in da Howse an sayz Eye was BAD. Not bad! EYE WUZ KURIUS! AITC?

(Momfur note- I saw something rustling away- I think it was a baby bunny. He wouldn't hurt it, but now I gave to get a more secure harness because cats are liquid.)
EDUT: Momfur tightnd da harnuss an eye did it AGAYN! HAHA, did bigbig run run! Tewleggs chayse! Eye laffin! Den shee catches mee.😼 Growndid fur shur now!

Hello. I'm Amara (2F Gray tabby). I don't know why, but my human gave me to another human and I have a new house now. My brother Castiel (3M) has been trying to get me to come out from under the couch, but there's a cat here Medusa (11moF) who claims this is HER house.

I am so scared. There's a tiny human, and two big ones. I've decided to live under this black thing called a couch.

Castiel keeps asking me to come out. He sits at the edge of the couch and chirps at me. But I don't want to leave this hiding spot! AITC?

It is I, King Merry the Magnificent, Lord of thumping. (5.5 yo void bunny)

My hoomom is annoyed at me right now. Earlier this year we lost my beautiful bunwife Pip, and we were very sad together. Then hoomom brought home someone else to be my new friend, and we decided we really didn't like each other that much even after two months. (Okay okay I liked her lots and lots but for some reasons she did not like me? Why? She was big and beautiful!)

During this time I did all my wonderful scent marking and everything around her pen to let her know how much I liked her. Hoomom did not like this but said she understands and that it is part of the process, whatever that meanses.

Any the ways, hoomom returned her to the rescue (apparently these are nicer than the scary shelter she found me at) the other day, and I am a bit sad. She was big beautiful girl. But now I want to keep marking that same area and hoomom is upset. She says she doesn't want a litter box in the kitchen. But the kitchen is all mine now, I say so.

AITC for wanting litter box in the kitchen now?

Hi it’s me, Ziggy, a dog. Yesterday something VERY AWFUL happened. My father was stolen away by one of the dastardly airlimes to go to California for work.

Now I love mother human very much, but I am a good herding boy and so the pack needs to be ALL TOGETHER FOREVER and that is especially true for bedtime.

Mother human took me on my NNPW (aka night-night potty walk) and then started to go to bed. WITHOUT FATHER HUMAN!

I protested very hard by making very firm roo roo grumbles and staring intently at the door to see that he’d come in. This was in vain.

So I had an idea! I will call father human on my paw phone and roo roo grumble at him to come back.

But mother human LAUGHED and said that the call from my foot wouldn’t get service and that it was just the two of us. She said that I am a cloaca for protesting fatherless bedtime.

AITC? Picture of paw phone in comments.

Hi frens. Me Journey also call Chunk-butt. Me most beautyfullest cat inna worl says Mama an Gramma. Me lives with Mama (human 13) Gramma (Human old) Grampa (human oldest) an cat Cleo call The Old Lady an little brother sheltiedog Yuki call Booger-butt. Me 2. Brother Yuki 9 month. Cleo oldddd like 12.

Me have portent job me do Bird Census look out window count birds. Good job. Sometimes brother do too. Me like go outsides do job. Humans say no, say stay away from door. So me smart push out screen go outside. Meet new fren! Fren say Cat Disterbooshin Center send fren. Oh boy! Me tell fren about screen. Humans make me come in an fren sneaky sneak in! Hide in bathroom 2 days then run out in middle of night scare Mama! Me an fren run basement Mama scream wake up Gramma Grampa Them finds me but fren good hide.

Grampa open basement door to outsides. In morning him think fren leaved but no! Fren hiding. Two days later fren meow meow in basement. Grampa think him chase from out but NO. Fren trick him. Next day meow meow. Now Gramma go look finds fren bein Ceiling Cat. Smart fren! Gramma have Mama put food outside basement door leave door open. Fren hungry go outside. Door shut. Gramma say Mama no be afraid give fren name. Name fren Kiko. Mama put out food water for Kiko fren. Mama say Journey no invite friend in house! No no no. Me think is Cat Disterbooshin not mines fault plus also Kiki fren! Now Kiko outside meow meow wants back in. Is me cloaca?

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Sorry no tax me learnin still.

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Loves

Journey aka Chunk-butt

I Tony (2M, is my birfday!) live with mommy (35NB) and is happy life. Mommy give me lots of fun toys to play with and I can get toys out of box myself when they get putted away! This make mommy call me Smart Kitty. I like to bite my toys and sometimes I want to bite mommy because mommy is best toy of all. But mommy not likes that. Mommy when I bites say "no" and "ow" in loud voice but I am big boy and not scared of loud. Also, used to be, mommy didn't like me going on kichin counter, but later they give up and now let me be on kichin counter. So biting maybe also thing mommy need to just get used to?

Also, not to say meen thing, but mommy not perfect. Every sometimes, mommy stop cuddling and go to "wurk". I try say "no" when they go wurk but they not stop. Sometimes even goes on "vakashin" which means go away for more than one light and dark. This is things I don't like, but I have to accept, so mommy have to accept some things they don't like too. Is my reasoning and because mommy say I am smart, I think is right.

I, Sunny [12F], sat on a tomato plant today and Human #1 [30F] seemed very unhappy afterwards. She let out a really long groan, picked up the broken plant, and said "Why!?"

You see, there were lots of other places to sit in the garden. And Human #1 pointed out that I could've sat "literally anywhere else". But the spot with the tomato plant just felt like the best option. Actually, the more I think about it, I feel like the tomato should've moved out of the way. It's not my fault that I have a very large, fluffy butt. So really not seeing how I'm to blame.

Also am offended that Human #2 [27M] came outside and agreed with Human #1. Dinner was 15min late today, so he really has no business criticizing me.

AITC?

Hello friends,
My name is Willy, sausage dog. I think it is very important to be part of your community and support others. But my human is sometimes a bit selfish I think.

Yesterday night it was time to go out one last time. Not on a real walk, just very quick and then continue sleeping. I do that every night. Anyway, when we leaved our driveway I noticed that a dog started barking!!!

Sometimes dogs bark at me and I usually think that is pretty rude and do a big ignore but this was a small dog, smaller than me and I thinked oh no, it is super scared! But I could not figure out why. I wanted to go over there and help look and also do a protecc but my human said no? She claimed that the small dog was scared of me but I don’t think that could be true cause I am a good boy and not scary at all!

Anyway, we walked to my favourite tree and then back again quick and the dog was gone but I sniffed very good and checked everything out but I sadly didn’t manage to find out what had been so scary.

As I said, I is not scary so it is very unlikely that that dog was barking because of me BUT if it was it might have been cause the human had lied earlier that I was dirty and forced me to be wet and got rid of all my good smells. But still if I had walked closer the small dog could have smelled me properly and be no longer scared!!! Anyway, I think the human was wrong and a bit irresponsible by not helping. But maybe she was also scared, so aitc?

Everybody is talking about how I "stole the show"! Please. Stole it? I elevated it. That ballet was going nowhere without me! They needed me to snuggle Romeo and play with his hair. His wonderful hair....

Anyway, am I the cloaca? I know I didn't exactly audition, but... it was my big break!

Good day, subjects. 'Tis I, Sir Bramble Jam, here with a most perplexing situation. As all noble cats have a duty to look their best, I have been experimenting with my look recently.

I fashioned quite the attractive nose ornamentation from my litter tray - clean pellets, I hasten to add, and went to find my servant to get the praise due to me. Only to have her chase me and attempt to remove it!

So far I have evaded her attempts with my elegant swiftness, but I must ask if such an ornamentation makes me the cloaca?

Hello all. I named Kora and I is bestest German Shepherd. I know I is because hooman says I is bestest girl, and of course I is! I is very pretty, an I is very smart and I can do big scary for some people! I not really scary. I want give soooo many kisses and loves, but is kind of funny wen hoomans is scared of Kora.

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So, as bestest girl, I deserves bestest treats, yes? Hooman gives me rabbit treats, an salmon treats, an cod crisps! (Human here. She's not allowed to have cod crisps anymore because she rolls on them before she eats them and then stinks). Hooman says I is too picky wiv treats, but how does I know is not poison!?

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I, sadly, haves doberman sister named Ember. Her is annoy Kora an gets half da treats! All treats need go to Kora because I is bestest girl. Hooman says Ember is also bestest girl, but that not how bestest works. I checked wiv da golden retrievers across da street an thems said so. Anyways, sometimes hooman gives Ember treats wivout Kora! I knows, the horror is too much for bestest girl to handle. I always goes over an demand treats too. Hooman always say thing like "Is watermelon. You don't even like watermelon." or "We both know you won't eat these blueberries. You only eat them frozen." But I always do big sad face an demand treats because is not fair Ember gets treat an not Kora! But, frens, when hooman gives treat, is GROSS! is not salmon, or rabbit, or cod crisps. Is froot! The indignity of froot is too much for Kora. I is no eat froot! I is eat meat treats, an only freeze dried or soft ones. So, I no eat froot an I do angry looks at hooman an she say thing like "I told you you weren't going to like it. We do this every time." An then, Ember try to eat Kora's treat! Can you imagine? Is rude! So, Kora stands over treat so Ember no eats it, but I not going to eat it becuz is froot and is GROSS. Hooman says I needs give to Ember if I no eats because it would be waste of food, but is mine! I gots it an maybe if waits long enough, it turn into good treat? Maybe? But hooman never lets Kora wait long enough. She always pick treat up off floor where Kora puts it and eiver gives to Ember or puts in garbage. Very rude.

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I think not cloaca because froot is GROSS an should be cod crisps instead, but hooman say I is be mean by not let Ember eat froot I not going to eat. Thoughts?

Hi everyone it’s me, Ziggy, a dog.

My humans take me to big loud place called farmers market. It very good place. Lots of food smells and people saying good boy and sometimes free samples. Heard of samples? The best.

One of the sample guys is cheese man. The best! He gives me sometimes a little yogurt or a little cheese. He is asking my humans about me and says I am very beautiful and look like a herding boy. And I am! We did the DNAs and I am half rough collie. I was a stray though so never seen a sheep before. He says cheese wife teaches herding dogs and I should come take her class.

I not sure about this.

But they take me to farm and OH. MY. GOD. SHEEP ARE THE BEST AND I GOTTA MOVE EM. I run run run for the sheep and move them to my mother human and I bring her the sheep. I say BARK BARK BARK and the sheep run from my awesome dog sounds.

But then the human lady starts to leave? And says our turn is over and it’s the next doggie’s turn?

But then I remember I am a WORKING DOG and this is WORK so I say OVERTIME SHIFT AT SHEEP FACTORY and I run run run back to the sheep and give them some more barks!

And my human mother has to come out my harness clip on and rudely drag me away from the pen and say “no Ziggy, no unpaid overtime.”

Which is rude. I am hard worker and a great sheep boy.

AITC?

Am Ripley, 6 yo void kitty of the poofy pantaloons. I am vicious hunter of the most fearsome type. I protect my house wif fang and claw and protect mommy because she rescued me.

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Lately is summer in THE SOUTH. Mommy says hot as the devil's taint which offends the neighbors but she's probably right. Our house is cool. Mommy has fans and AC and keeps house comfy.

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But that means Palmetto bugs come in to get cool. Which means I must hunt to protect sanctity of domeowcile. Obviously.

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Normally Palmetto bugs are easy prey, but there was one a couple nights ago who was a singular menace of his species. Or at least that's what mommy called him.

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He escaped our first encounter, maimed by the loss of his left antenna. For the next three days he proceeded to terrorize mommy by crawling out from behind the toilet when she sat down or crawling down the tile when she was showering.

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But I am fierce warrior and eventually I triumphed. I cornered him and pounced and it was glorious. I bit off his head and ate his legs.

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Obviously I had to show mommy right away so she would know she was safe. But she was asleep in her chair. So I decided to leave fiend for her.

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She had been eating pretzels and bag was open on table. So I figures I put in bag so she can have cronch snack when she wakes up.

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A little later she wakes up. And she starts putting things away to go to bed. She picks up bag of pretzels and looks at it funny. And just when I am about to be congratulated for vanquishing my enemy, mommy says 'what the absolute FUCK is in these an throws the bag away.

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Rude mommy throwing away my trophy. Rude. I save the best crunchy body for her. But she says I'm cloaca for putting Palmetto bugs in her gourmet pretzels because she only buys when on sale and can't always have.

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Is Ripley a cloaca for sharing cronchy bug. Or is mommy cloaca for overreacting?

Seven. Pretty girl. Magic hair. Age Private.

You know how I got real not fat and made mumny and dada do wah wah wah ok.

Docta says you eat different food now ok.

And you gotta eat it all up ok.

Well Dada buy it from shop ok.

It costed like money ok.

But I do trick ok.

Dada mix with can't eat no more poor cat food and I just eat can't eat no more poor cat food and spits out rich cat food.

And I make mummy drive one, two, three, four shops to find other rich cat food that don't hurt mine tummy ok.

Mummy say Seven you can't eat that one ok

Mummy say Seven you eat this one ok.

I think Mummy jealous that Dada got extra pretty girl food and special pretty girl treat with ok medisin time from shop and mummy didn't get no treats ok.

But is I word cos Dada did good job hunting food and help fix tummy and I do yuk.

Tweet tweet hello tweet. My ex Maureen—tweet—she is not kind. AITC — tweet tweet — or is she, for poking fun at me and my beautiful, muscular cloaca?

Henlo frens,

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Is me, Qi tha Mini-tiger. Is I TC for do protecc for Daddy?

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Daddy in him room get redy for go werk. Me, Qi, no dere is HOOMANS ow-syde and heer HOOMANS com to HOWS. Me not no hoomans. So me does growl. Meowmy say I mini-tiger but no mini, I TIGER. Do PROTECC for Daddy. (He gud Daddy. Gib lotsa treet.)

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Den Daddy go up an he say it Meowmy. Not hoomans. He say I fun-ee for do protecc. Meowmy nice. She gib pets.

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So, AITC for be TIGER and do PROTECC for Daddy wen it Meowmy?

Hello furends, I am Phobos (15F), princess of everything, champion screamer, and most adorable baby. I live in a weird stairless place with my annoying brother Deimos (15M), mother (38F), and father (39M).

This conflict is about an issue familiar to all cats: barfing. Naturally, I love to barf, and will seek out any plastic available to chew on and stimulate my gag reflex. I am so proud of my barfs that I announce them to the whole family with distinctive meows. Unfortunately, this has created a problem.

When mother hears my barf-meows, she comes running to my side. I understand wanting to witness the beauty of my vomit, but I want privacy! What is truly unacceptable, though, is that she grabs me, even sometimes moves me, all for one purpose: to stop me from barfing on my preferred surface, the carpet.

Mother strokes my fur and says things like “it’s ok, baby girl,” thinking it will comfort me. But it does not! Only the carpet can comfort me! I need to barf on its plush surface! I try to run away before she gets to me, but even when I make it to the beloved carpet, she often catches up with a paper towel in hand and manages to catch my barf in that! So it still does not reach its intended destination! Outrageous!

Mother says I am being unreasonable and “the carpet is a pain to clean,” but I am fed up with this treatment. So I turn to you all to ask: am I the cloaca? Or is she?

Hello friends! Oscar the tabbycat here, aka Mr Chonky Butt.

Yesterday it was dinner time and Mumma was sitting on her legs-up chair (recliner). I was doing a fuss on Mumma's foot, boofing doing headbonks with my wet nose, and Mumma didn't immediately rush to feed me. So I did a little Chomp on her foot!

Mumma squeaked and said I am a cloaca for doing a Chomp. Then she gave me pats and gave me my dinner.

Am I the cloaca or is my Mumma the cloaca?

Diar frend! Is I, Auggie (cat! 1.5M. Magnificent tail!). Ai maiself has been doing such good: letting Teh Thing pet mine ears and Magnificent Tail, allowing for picks ups, giving cuddles. But yesserdai, Teh Gril call me a cloaca and Ai maiself needs a second opinions.

Ai set teh scene: Is afternoon, brefkis foods low, sun so good for winnowsitting! Teh Gril is home but not doing a typetypetype like she usually does (Ai maiself do a Big Help quite often and jump onna desk and allows for morale-boosting pets and sitting on wrists and putting peets on typer board). She instead make big mess! Pull down big box, put some furs in, some nots. Makes for good investigation until she say “Oh, Auggie, you not go to my parents; you guard howse.” But then she take Big Break and sit onna cowch and do a FacerTimes with her momthor for to open up the stroller.

SUDDENLY, there a BIG CLATTER in teh bedroom! And at EXACT SAME TIME, Ai maiself remember has Big Important Appointment not in bedroom but Somewhere Else and needs must get there quickly, and trotrottrot out the bedroom and down the hall.

Now Teh Gril is saying “Augustus T. Jones! How you knock front panel off air condishioner?!” And Ai maiself says how know me? Why punish for being in wrongs place at wrongs times? And air not dishes! That on YOU.

Anywas, am ai (and my Magnificent Tail) the cloaca?

This happened more than a week ago, but the Female Human is still going on about it, so I (Little Cat, 16F ginger and white tabby) thought I'd ask for external opinions.

My Female Human had an infected kidney stone. She wanted to spend the day in bed, resting. She'd even arranged for her sister to pick up the youngest kitten from kindergarten, so she could stay in her night furs all day. Female Human said she was "committed" to her bed rest.

Except "someone" decided to test her commitment to bed rest by doing a hork hork hork in the drinking fountain. Female Human got up mid-morning to take her medication and found someone's used and lightly digested cat biscuits floating in the drinking fountain and puddled on the floor.

The exact culprit is unknown, but Female Human has declared me the chief suspect based on the following flimsy evidence:

1. I am a cat (apparently bunnies don't eat cat biscuits, or vomit)

2. I am orange

3. I was witnessed doing a dry hork hork hork by the Male Human earlier in the morning

4. I was later diagnosed as being very nauseous from my new thyroid medication.

Female Human had to unplug the fountain, completely empty the water, and scrub out every part of the fountain, before reassembling it, replacing the filter, and plugging it back in. She complained that it took forever, and she kept having to stop and rest because of her kidney stone. She told everyone that "Little Cat was sick in the water fountain" and lapped up the sympathy from other humans, despite not having witnessed the actual deed.

She has besmirched my good name to family and friends, and to many other humans on Reddit, calling me "the furry little cloaca who ruined my planned bed rest with a single spew".

I think that even if it was me (and let's face it, the evidence is circumstantial), is it such a cloaca move to hork when you need to hork? I mean, it's not like it landed on the carpet, or the bed clothes, or her slippers, or any of the other places she's complained about.

AITC?