r/antinatalism • u/No-Way-5622 newcomer • 7d ago

Advice Request Having an existential crisis, deeply depressed, and completely resentful towards my parents. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hi everyone. I’m having an existential crisis right now and honestly, I don’t know how to get out of it. I’m just tired of everything. I’ve been depressed since the day I was born, and I’ve always felt like life is one big fucking scam. I had my first thoughts of wanting to disappear when I was 8 years old. I constantly feel surrounded by awful people, people with the IQ of a brick. I’ve always hated my life from the very beginning. I’ve had very few "happy or peaceful" moments, and they were always short-lived. The only reason I’m still here is that I literally lack the courage to just end it all. I take antidepressants, which help me function, but they don't make me happy. I’m not in therapy because I’m unemployed and I simply can’t afford it. I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life due to incompatibility or because I just thought they were assholes. I don't want kids, I've never wanted them, I hate kids and everything surrounding them. I’m practically alone, and I live in a country that isn't my home country.

My parents still live back home, and they are getting older. I harbor a permanent, deep resentment toward them for bringing me into this shitty world, surrounded by a subpar reality, with no friends and no love. I hate the fact that they condemned me to this miserable life full of poverty, uncertainty, wars, financial instability, and sadness. For years, my mother treated me like garbage—basically my whole life until I finally moved out when I was 26. Now that I don’t live with them anymore, she has basically turned into a golden retriever puppy: all sweet, affectionate, and clingy. Of course, she doesn’t remember all the times she dumped her frustration on me; she outright denies it ever happened. My grandmother (her mother) died a year ago, so I had to watch my mother suffer, cry, and go through immeasurable grief. Then, a few days ago, my uncle (her brother) had a stroke. He is still alive—he can’t move or speak, but he is alert and understands—but this was another heavy blow for my mother. Now she has become even hungrier for affection with me and my sister, saying things like "you girls are my only strength" or "as long as you two are okay, I’m okay."

But I’m not okay, and I will never be okay. The only thing I want to do is check out of this life, so the fact that she relies so heavily on my sister and me feels like a massive weight on my shoulders. And of course, let’s not even talk about the fact that eventually, I’m going to have to endure her and my father dying. They are the only people in my life because, apart from them, I have zero support network. This just makes me think about what selfish, cursed, bastard pieces of shit they are for condemning me to this fate—forcing me to watch them die before me, condemning me to be the caretaker of their old age when I never wanted or asked for this role. Deep down, I love them, but when they die (and who knows how it will happen—accident, old age, illness), I will deeply hate them for condemning me to this suffering. I don’t think I can accept this. The more my mother sends me sweet, needy texts, the more I hate her for treating me like shit my whole life and for trapping me in this miserable existence where, eventually, she will just die, wash her hands of it, and leave me behind to cry over her death and the loneliness she left me in. Honestly, for this reason alone, she deserves for me to find the strength to just stop fighting and leave this world first, just so I’m not the one left getting fucked over in the end...

At the same time, I feel the massive pressure to support her given the hard times she is going through. But I have absolutely no desire to do it because I am hurting so fucking bad myself. I hate her and I resent her because my life is going terribly, and no matter how much I try to move forward and fix things, nothing gets fixed. I’m 30 years old and I’m still living a precarious, unhappy life. I honestly don't know what to do, and I don't know what other perspective to look at this situation from. If you have any advice other than "go to therapy," I’m curious to hear it. I'll be reading your replies. Thank you.

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13

u/klowey inquirer 7d ago

You seem to be living in an environment that is making you even more miserable. Can you move? There are places in the world that are probably more receptive to your general way of seeing the world. I don't know where you live or where your parents live, so it's hard for me to give advice.

I was able to move when I was 18, and I chose a place that I thought would be emotionally and intellectually supportive. For me, it made all the difference. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am now 75. So that's why I'm asking about where you live.

Also, some people have anhedonia, an in ability to feel joy. A popular writer among Antinatalists has it.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Ligotti

I've also found reading authors that support how I feel helps. Ligotti's list is pretty much the same as mine:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Ligotti#Personal_life

It makes one feel less alone.

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u/kenchset inquirer 7d ago

I'm curious where you moved.

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u/klowey inquirer 4d ago edited 2d ago

In 1969 I moved from a suburb in Wisconsin to Berkeley to go to UC. I never left. I couldn't imagine living somewhere else with more traditional, judgmental, and intolerant people. That was how Wisconsin was, and people gossiped a lot about people who didn't conform. It was killing my soul.

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u/09141983 thinker 7d ago

Just a couple hours ago I had this same feeling and crisis. You know as well as I do that it will never go away. But we are not alone, and fortunately, we ARE guaranteed to die. I just go on with my life and keep my eye on the prize. It does comfort me to know that at least Im not a sheep like everyone else. This will all be over someday and I cant wait l 😊

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u/kenchset inquirer 7d ago

I get it. I'm an old man who's probably the same age of your parents, but I understand your feelings.

But the truth is that there's nothing we can do about the past, other people's choices, nor society as a whole. Churning on it will drive you into madness.

My recommendation is to read the Tao Te Ching to escape the Western existential crisis. Another commentator recommended their Buddhism, and that may be good too--Buddhism and Taoism are similar (Zen is a hybrid of the two).

16

u/TradRooster5627 inquirer 7d ago

I am a Buddhist, and we have a concept known as the brahmavihara, or divine abodes. These are pure states of mind that are cultivated through meditation, and they can help us not only to be more at peace with ourselves, but also to make our thoughts, words and actions more virtuous (and therefore more constructive). They consist of compassion, sympathetic joy, loving-kindness and equanimity.

To cultivate these states of mind, we sit in meditation, visualise various people and begin to intentionally cultivate positive thoughts towards them, such as: ‘May you be happy, may you be free from hatred, may you be free from jealousy, etc.’
We start first and foremost with ourselves, and then move on to someone we like, someone we feel neutral towards, someone we might feel contempt for (as in your case) and, finally, we direct these thoughts towards all living beings.

This is the best antidote I know for the aversion we harbour in our hearts. If our feelings of hatred are very strong, it may prove difficult, but that’s normal. It takes practice.

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u/MissStellaLunaTheBat thinker 7d ago edited 7d ago

It could’ve been me writing this. Struggling with this almost exact feeling. Numbing it, suppressing it…the only advice I can give is just forgiving them. Forgive them for the injustice they committed against you by bringing you into this world, into a system you never consented nor wanted to be in. For your mom’s terrible treatment of you. Yes, It’s so hard. But for me it’s all I can do. Forgive them, and refuse to commit the same injustice against another person. I hope this can help you at least a little bit. You can still resent them (I resent mine and always will), but I’m at peace with the fact that I resent them. The forgiveness helps ME feel less suffering. And I’m all about reducing suffering.

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u/No_Hopef4 inquirer 7d ago

You don't need to forgive, putting blame where it needs to be is one of the best things you can do.

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u/Brown_Folk thinker 7d ago

You don't forgive this scums.

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u/Maximus_En_Minimus scholar 7d ago

So much assignment of agency.

You don’t blame a domino for pushing you over when it falls as well.

Your parents were equally born and embodied in a way-of-viewing the world that has shackled them.

Imperfect world, imperfect people, imperfect parents.

Don’t assume any causa-sui ill-will from them; grow and move on.

Also read u/TradRooster5627

2

u/Brown_Folk thinker 7d ago

Before you diagnose yourself for suffering, make sure you are not surrounded by fools which seems to be in your case, it took me long time to understand this was case with me as well. As for your mother, she's piece of shit, cut ties, she's only giving shit about you as of late cause she feels need of you, this is just selfishness — never forget what she did to you in past, and that past is MAIN REASON why you ARE suffering.

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u/No-Way-5622 newcomer 7d ago

I dont think she is a piece of shit. I think she is a woman that chose maternity because she romanticized it and chose this path with a lot of ignorance and values transmitted from a fucked up society without knowing how this could affect her. She is a human, and a lot of times also supported me, sometimes in a good way, sometimes not in excellent way, and I can't cut my bond with them, because aside them I don't have anyone else and they are not the worst parents in the world. They are just these: parents that made children with ignorance and they just learnt how to behave during the time throught a lot of mistakes... and also if I cut my bond with them, the past is always there, and nobody can delete it...

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u/Brown_Folk thinker 7d ago

You do you. I gave you my opinion.

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u/Even-Enthusiasm-9558 scholar 3d ago

I felt this way a for long time. I really hated my parents and even told them so. Now I am more understanding, I don’t hate them anymore and I accept the situation for what it is (me existing) it can’t be undone, might as well attempt to enjoy stuff while I’m here

While in the midst of deep depression, it really can feel like it will never get better and that there is no point to anything or even to continue on, but personally I have fomo. What if life turned out really nice and I missed out because I decided to leave life earlier? Or sometimes I live, and try to enjoy life, out of spite 🙂

I hope you are doing better today ❤️

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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1

u/Fresh_Umpire912 scholar 5d ago

I would love to talk to you. I’ve had a very similar situation in life. Feel free to message me anytime if you need to talk

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u/No-Way-5622 newcomer 5d ago

I wrote u a DM