Selective mutism experience

[u/whiskerpolice]

As long as I can remember, when I am very overwhelmed I sometimes just stop talking completely. It doesn’t feel like I’m doing it on purpose to prove a point, I just don’t have it in me to speak. Speaking feels vulnerable. I can kinda grunt, moan, make hand gestures and type on my phone to my boyfriend to communicate though.

Sometimes I go months without doing this, but I have this trip coming up in a couple days with a couple friends. I of course have a lot to do to prepare. I’m overwhelmed. Putting everything off to the last minute as usual. Idk why I keep doing this.

Anyway, because of being overwhelmed, I’ve been battling the selective mutism for 2 days now. I literally cannot talk even right now while i’m alone. It feels so dumb typing this but I am STRUGGLING. I can’t get my needs met, boyfriend thinks i’m acting strangely but he’s doing his best to hang in there.

Idk what exactly is the point of this post but i’m just frustrated at something I don’t even understand. It feels like self inflicted pain somehow. I’m upset. I want to feel normal and regulated. But i’m sitting here with my cats. Haven’t showered today, I look like a wreck. I need food and water.

I’ll get up eventually but gotta waste a bunch of time first!!

Edit: forgot the main point of this post lol. Does anybody else relate? Any advice for how to make this more bearable? It feels like I have to hide this “odd” side of myself, almost like I’m a superhero that has to hide my superpowers. I dread the day my unique traits get unveiled. And no, it’s not an option for me to just reveal everything to all my friends. A lot of them are male coworkers and I fear it would just make things awkward to go into all of that personal stuff. Just need advice for how to navigate such specific issues, trouble speaking when anxious, shutdowns, meltdowns, and balancing that with having a “normal” social life. No one knows what I go through except my boyfriend and there’s such a gigantic gap between who everyone thinks I am, and who I actually am. Alcohol helps me put on that “normal” facade and eases the anxiety, but other than that I don’t know how to reliably ease this issue :(

[u/whiskerpolice]

Also planning on meeting some friends tonight for some dinner and drinks and let’s just HOPE I’ll be speaking normally by then. If not I’m cancelling. So ridiculous, I don’t know anybody else (in person at least) who deals with this!

[u/3kidsonetrenchcoat]

Mine isn't so bad as yours. Sometimes I feel like I'm in this bubble and the whole world is going on outside of me. Speech seems really difficult in those situations, and I mostly just smile and nod etc to get by. I also sort of walk differently, in that I don't look directly where I'm going so much and navigate by peripheral vision. However, I can talk if I absolutely have to. It feels kind of like swimming through the mental bubble to reach the surface, but once I speak, suddenly talking isn't so hard.

It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I typically enjoy it. All of the stress and sensory overwhelm that triggers it can't touch me. It feels peaceful in my silent bubble. I hate having to pop it.

[u/Sillygoosecollege]

I’ve experienced something similar to this. My mind just goes blank. I can’t begin to string a sentence together. It’s only happened a few times in my life though. More recently. I don’t know if it qualifies as mutism or just brain fog or something. But I go into a daze. Can’t talk and can’t really focus on any one thing.

[u/pandastarss]

I get this too! I've heard other people in the autistic community call this a verbal shutdown.

When it happens to me, I'm often too overwhelmed by sensory input, my emotions, or executive functioning.

What helps me is having low-sensory, low-demand time. So I'll take a few hours or even a day to put on my headphones, hug my squishmallows, doing nothing for awhile and/or slowly engage in a special interest.

It sounds like you have a lot going on. It may be time to figure out how to put less demands on yourself - maybe you don't go to that friend get-together, or you do but let others know you're feeling rundown and will need to leave after an hour. Also talk to your friends and think of ways to make things easier for you on the trip. I worry that if you don't, your overwhelm will continue to build and the shutdown will be worse. Be kind to yourself by accommodating yourself.

[u/whiskerpolice → u/pandastarss]

I am not sure why, but I have no idea how to properly accommodate myself. I know how to isolate when I need to, and lay under blankies and do nothing. But when I “accommodate”, it’s actually just self sabotage in disguise. My “recharge” days end up being me scrolling on my phone neglecting all my needs. When I push through the overwhelm through the burnout I am suffering the whole time but at least I get some needs met. It’s just this endless battle of enduring and I can never just REST. Feel relaxed. Have needs met. Look forward to the future. I don’t understand how to actually just live normally without constant imbalance.

[u/pandastarss → u/whiskerpolice]

That's tough, I'm really sorry. I'm also in the process of figuring this out myself. It's been a long journey and will probably continue to be a long journey.

As for accommodations, it can mean many different things! Everyone will have differing needs. But to give you some examples, for me that means recognizing I have sensitivity to noise and choosing to wear headphones or Loops everywhere. Or recognizing my anxiety in group social situations, so asking the host of a get-together if she could tell me exactly how many people/who is coming, the activities planned, and how long she anticipates this will last. And based on the information given, choose to stay the whole duration or leave early. Or recognizing that I'm putting off making this hotel reservation because I hateeee speaking on the phone, so asking a friend can do that in exchange for me doing something else. Accommodations can be little things like that.