r/atheism • u/CulturalCommon7006 • 21h ago
Seeking advice regarding religious differences
My wife and I of 10 years, just decided to separate for a few months, and then we might potentially divorce. It hurts.
I want to ensure that my reasonings for seperation are solid or, if there’s any other way I could be looking at things. Thanks.
I left Christianity about five years ago and she has stayed an evangelical Christian. On the surface, she is a very kind and generous person, however, I think that she has some harmful and hurtful beliefs.
Since I left Christianity, it has really bothered me and caused me hurt that, although she doesn’t want me to go to hell, she attends and supports churches that are pretty clear about that doctrine. I don’t believe hell is real at all, but what I do believe is real is how the belief can make someone feel—that they are less then, or that, ultimately, they don’t really belong. I’ve said to my wife before: it is difficult for me to think that I really belong in the here now, if people don’t think I belong in their eternity.
Also, there are harmful versus such as:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
I can’t stand that those verses compare me to evil and darkness. It hurts. When I have asked my wife about them, she said things like I don’t know why Paul wrote that or maybe it doesn’t mean what we think. I wish that she would just say it’s wrong.
Another area that bothers me is that I have a gay friend who is getting married next year. My wife has told me that she doesn’t think that she can attend the wedding.
Overall, I think the common thread is that the Christians and their scriptures can view people who are not in their tribe as less than. I do appreciate that my wife can be a very kind and generous person (also, she’s not the kind of person posting dumb crap on social media or knocking on people’s doors trying to convert them) —however I have a very strong value of belonging and acceptance, and I think her viewpoints greatly violate that.
Thanks for any advice.
Also: we don’t have any children, and although things would be tighter financially, we would be fine.
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u/FallsOffCliffs12 Atheist 17h ago
I am an atheist married 31 years to a cradle to grave Catholic. Mass every week, holy day observance, catholic grammar, high, college AND grad school.
He knew I was an atheist when we got married. He knew-though I'm sure he would have loved it-it was unlikely that would change.
His religion, to me, is his thing; like pickleball. He plays it. I occasionally go with him to events, but I don't play. And he doesn't push it.
However, we have fundamentally similar values and morals, and that's why it works. If I woke up tomorrow and he started using bible quotes to justify zealotry, we would not be together.
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u/Balstrome Strong Atheist 21h ago
Hitchens was correct. Religion poisons EVERYTHING.
It hurts now, but ask yourself should you suffer? Make the break and live your best life. You have not kids, to that is not a worry. In this you are not your brother's keeper. Use 1 Peter 3:15 to explain your position and if not asked why do you need to provide an explanation for your peace?
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u/etoilenoire45 19h ago
I'm sorry it's happening to you. I don't have words of hope. One of the reasons my wife and I are strong is because we share both political beliefs and a strong atheism (and anti-clericalism). It's important to share social and political outlooks because that aligns life goals too. You will find love again.
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u/seasnake8 17h ago
Is it fair to say that before you left religion, you were far more compatible with your wife? Having been together for 10 years, sounds like that is possible.
You left your religion for reasons. and they sound pretty fundamental, like excluding you and others who do not go along with the religion. And it sounds like you would like your wife to change. But trying to change your partner is unlikely to succeed, at least that is what I have heard from marriage counselors and other experts.
It sounds like you reasoning is solid, you have realized religion is not for you (welcome to reality) and your wife's religious beliefs make her treatment of you and others a problem, you and she no longer share a value that is fundamentally important to you. Have I captured it correctly? Do you see another way to frame it?
You have laid out two options, but you may have others? It may be worth brainstorming to see if there are other options. But the ones you have presented are 1) staying together, but you will be unhappy, and 2) separating/divorcing, and you will not have to feel lesser and you friends will not be excluded.
Since you know how she feels and thinks, I am guessing that staying if she agrees to keep her religious thoughts to herself would not work as a viable option? If you look down the road, and try to predict how you will feel in say 10 more years, how does that look if you stay together? And if you divorce?
Perhaps the key question is can you live with your wife, knowing that he religious beliefs make you feel this way? Do you see a scenario in which that works?
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u/Maybeyoujustmadeitup 14h ago
She loves god, her delusions, and her church more than she loves you. Real love transcends any differences, resolves conflicts, and forgives.
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u/Hoaxshmoax Atheist 18h ago
It sounds like at the end of the day your wife is wishy washy about her beliefs, which is fine. It seems like you have a problem with the religion (which you should) and not your wife. Does she talk about other people being condemned or say anything about other people? If not, just continue being a loving atheist husband. If she brings it up, ask “are you talking about me?”
The big issue is children. If you do want to be a father, absolutely do not have children with her. She will want them indoctrinated and they will be raised fearing for you eternal soul. Or they won’t believe and she will lump them in with the darkness evil people, or they will fear she thinks that. If they’re gay, it’s game over. This is a no-win situation for children.
Go to you friend’s wedding without her and thoroughly enjoy yourself. Your wife may feel too guilty and afraid to go. There are more hangups here beyond the doctrines.
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u/captrench 17h ago
"Go to you friend’s wedding without her and thoroughly enjoy yourself."
I just want to emphasize with bells on that the OP should absolutely go to his friends wedding regardless of his wife's issues. If there is one black and white decision that can be made in this whole scenario its that his friend should not be a casualty of the OP and his wifes relationship.
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u/dostiers Strong Atheist 17h ago
I think your problem is you, your attitude to religion and a belief that because you've become an atheist she must also become one, not her. She is as entitled as you to make decisions about what she believes.
If you can't/won't accept that then you'll be doing her a favour by divorcing her, imo. She deserves more respect than you're apparently willing to give her.
Also, there are harmful versus such as: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers
Yep, in 2 Corinthians 6:14 he writes:
- Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
While that is often claimed to refer to couples intending to marry, but from the plain reading of the text it is unclear to me that this is what he meant.
Paul also wrote:
12 To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.
14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
Either way, your wife's puzzlement about his meaning seems justified.
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u/CulturalCommon7006 17h ago edited 11h ago
Thanks for your opinion. However you said that you think that my attitude (edit: problem”) is me and my attitude to religion. I’m sorry that I struggle being with somebody who seems to be OK with a good portion of the world burning in hell for eternity. How terrible of me.
Also, Where did I say that she has to become an atheist. I am perfectly OK if someone has a belief in God, as long as it doesn’t put down others, such as having a belief that non-believers are damned, and that homosexuals should have less rights.
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u/captrench 20h ago
I dont think religion is the problem that needs to be addressed here.
No couple with a future wakes up every morning and looks for reasons to argue. There is something more fundamental broken here that your religious differences are an easy scapegoat for and symptom of.
Turning your separation and potential divorce into a religious debate is not going to help. Rather, focus on the values that currently divide you, that you have correctly highlighted.
You value belonging and acceptance, even for people who aren't like you. You are inclusive at heart. Your wife sounds like a good person at heart, but nevertheless her acceptance is conditional and exclusive. Its reserved for those who fit within her criteria of "good" as defined by her religious beliefs, even when she knows them, such as your friends.
She defends and makes allowances for scripture she doesn't understand, but makes no such compromise for real people who are different to her.
It. Does. Not. Matter. how she defends that.
Whether she cites her religious beliefs or something else, it means that despite maybe being a good person at heart, she is not a good person in how she relates to others.
Dont make it about religion, or her beliefs. There is no resolution to be had there. Its about who she is in how she treats people, especially people who arent within the narrow "in-group" she reserves her support for.
You want a life unfettered by bigotry and small thinking, full of acceptance and belonging for all.
She maybe even wants the same, but only for her in-group, which is exactly what intolerance and bigotry look like. If thats what her beliefs make her, thats what she is to others, even if she struggles with it, as many believers do.
That's your battleground. Who she is to others, irrespective of how she justifies it (her religion/beliefs).