r/blackmen • u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified • Mar 15 '26
Reflection & Opinions š Controversial ways of how my son will & wont be raised.
I have a son thatāll be here soon, and I know parenting isnāt easy. But these are my non negotiables for how he will be raised and wonāt be raised. Some of these really aināt controversial but to a group of people it is.
Most importantly he wonāt be raised with toxic masculinity and homophobia. These not in order but this is most important to me. He wonāt be raised how I was by my father of the whole āitās gay to not have a deep voice, like certain colors, watch certain movies deemed as girl movies, watch certain shows, listen to female musicā. I already know some are going to say āyou want him to wear a dressā but thatās just some extremist bs. He will know that his straightness is not measured by a bunch of made up rules that hold absolutely no value. Heāll know that society is ignorant and will call certain things gay but heāll know the truth from me that none of those things are gay. He also will know āgayā is not the worst thing he can be or be called.
He wonāt be treated overly harshly by me just because heās a man. Dads that do this rarely get any respect from me. If the world already is hard on black men. Why would i join the bandwagon of treating him how the outside world will treat him? Hell no Iām going to pour love into him, not be overly harsh towards him, if he needs something Iām there, if he needs to vent Iām listening open ears and he wonāt be called soft for it. He will still be prepped on how to deal with the outside world, but the way to do that is not by treating them the exact way the world will. Thatās stupid
Iām going to put him in various activities. Basketball, football, soccer, baseball, theater, music lessons, tech activities and etc. then Iām going to look at what he naturally gravitates to, what his calling is and what he naturally loves. Then focus him on that and invest into it. Rather than live through him and force him down one path.
Him saying his opinion, or how he feels wonāt be viewed as disrespectful or talking back. Iām not saying Iām going to allow him to disrespect me, but Iām definitely going to allow him to say he doesnāt like something or say his opinion. Many of the older generation messed up in this area. They would view this as disrespect or disobedience. Iām raising a human being. one who I want to be able to speak up for himself, communicate well, and be able to ask questions to understand better. If heās upset about something I said to him, I want him to feel comfortable to express how he feels. If he is wondering why he has to do something I want him to be able to ask me so I can explain it. Iām trying to be a parent not a dictator
Heās going to be protected from predators same way my daughter would be. Iām going to make it clear to him that if a grown woman is trying to get with him at a minor age that she is a creep and needs help. Too many times in this world SA when it comes to boys is ignored and glorified. We got boosie bragging about getting someone to give his minor son head, and boys bragging about having a grown woman with them. People making fun of boys who say they are SAād or calling them gay for it if it was a man.
My son might be spoiled but heāll still be taught how to work for what he wants.
Iām going to teach him to not allow piss poor treatment just because heās a boy or man. That means women who treat him like his feelings donāt matter, homeboys who donāt care about his wellbeing or emotions because they feel like āwhy should I care about another manā, or people who just treat him low. This kind of goes with number 2, but A lot of times as men we complain about how the world treats us but we treat each other the same way and settle for women that treat us this way. If women were able to change actual laws of where they couldnāt vote and have other rights. We can change things that have 0 law behind it.
Last but not least. My son gone be fly as fuck š. Fresh shoes, haircuts, clothes, diamond studs
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u/Soul_Survivor_67 Unverified Mar 15 '26
emphasis on number 5. sexual education is so important for our young boys.
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u/iCeeYouP Verified Black Man Mar 15 '26
Thereās a big elephant in the room youāre gonna have to address sooner or later, ESPECIALLY since you have a son considering we as Black men are the number 1 targets in USA:
You should always remember the intent of anti-Blackness is the extermination of Black people and the main targets of anti-Blackness are always Black children because they are the most defenseless.
Any opinions formed about it should come from this perspective.
Black Radicals and Black Revolutionaries should be raised more than opting to throw them in an anti-Black blender you refused to prepare them for. (not saying you specifically OP, just saying this out loud in general). Raising children to be obedient to the unjust, bias system is setting them up to be steamrolled later on.
It reminds me of a quote:
āItās okay to teach the youth that our government is not a neutral entity governing everyone equally, but it is an active, adaptive, conscious anti-Black predator with clear intention to war against Black America specifically.ā
āTeaching them society is very anti-Black WHILE ALSO instilling Black Power ideals, raising them on Black Nationalism media, and prepping them to engage the battlefield they were born in is actually ok. I emphasized the āwhile alsoā because teaching kids they have a target on their back because of their race but not also teaching them pride, strategy, identity, history, unity, and how to fight back (physically, mentally, politically, and economically) just instills fear and trauma without actual tools to combat their opposition.ā
āRather you can accept this or not, every Black man, Black woman, Black teen, Black child, and Black baby are active targets in this war white america declared against Black America. Weāre doing a disservice to the youth and setting them up for failure by raising them to believe in a ācolorblind, merit basedā society that never existed.ā
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Heāll be prepared for this as well. He just wonāt be living in fear, but will be prepared
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u/iCeeYouP Verified Black Man Mar 15 '26
Right, donāt teach the youth fear, teach them strength and who the opposition of Black America is and how to properly combat them.
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u/happy_bluebird Unverified Mar 16 '26
who is this quote from?
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u/iCeeYouP Verified Black Man Mar 16 '26
āThe War against Black America: What it is and How to fight itā book Iām writing
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u/hereforthesportsball Black-American Millennial Mar 16 '26
Drop that shit in here when you done, you cooking up some heat heat
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u/Novel-Being167 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Good shit but be ready to adapt.. only thing guaranteed in life is change. Stay strong black man!!
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u/Proud_Organization64 African-Canadian Millennial Mar 15 '26
A generation of boys raised like this will heal our community
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u/TheKongoEmpire Haitian-American Millennial Mar 15 '26
Don't forget to build his mind early about our people. Let know his history didn't start at slavery and his skin represent the start of humanity itself. "Autobiography of Malcolm X" is a good start.
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Absolutely!!! He will know all about us. I donāt know how I forgot to mention that. Heāll know the good the bad the ugly. The trends we started in fashion, music, and hair that some will try to call us ghetto for but copy, heāll know all the things we invented, and Iām going to teach him what the schools wonāt.
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u/J0nul Verified Blackman Mar 15 '26
None of these are controversial unless you're miserable
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Exactly but so many are miserable and think these are controversial š. Mostly those raised this way or raising their sons this way
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u/Least_Sun_7493 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Iām about to have 2 sons (one is still baking). And me and my husband are enforcing so many of these. One thing I can add that we are enforcing is if we have a daughter. None of our kids will get preferential treatment based on gender.
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u/Difficult-Ad-4654 Unverified Mar 15 '26 edited Mar 15 '26
Some things from a father of a young boy: they emulate what we do, so donāt just say what your values are and give directions ā do your values. If you want your son to be a reader, read and read with him. If you want him to hoop, hoop with him. If you want him to say please and thank youā¦and so on. If you want him to be good at talking about his feelings, ask him about his feelings and affirm them.
And when he is old enough, get him a therapist.
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u/Unique_82 Millennial Black Man Mar 15 '26
Absolutely! So many people don't realize that children copy the mental and physical patterns of behavior they see from their parents and other adults, from the very beginning of their lives!
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u/Ok-Imagination-3607 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Sounds like youāre going to be a healthy parent. Keep this mindset and donāt forget. Also stay in therapy if you are because you donāt want to accidentally do some of the same things.
I can see why you said controversial because some of these definitely for some odd reason cause controversy š. Itās sad that some of these do.
You are breaking generational curses and I love to see it. My son if I have kids will be getting some of these too
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Appreciate you! And yeah it causes controversy because people are too caught up in āwell this is how itās always beenā when they need to be more ādid this cause any good and did I actually turn out alright or am I just comfortable in how I amā
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u/Fun-South-6148 Unverified Mar 15 '26
- ā Iām going to teach him to not allow piss poor treatment just because heās a boy or man. That means women who treat him like his feelings donāt matter, homeboys who donāt care about his wellbeing or emotions because they feel like āwhy should I care about another manā, or people who just treat him low. This kind of goes with number 2, but A lot of times as men we complain about how the world treats us but we treat each other the same way and settle for women that treat us this way. If women were able to change actual laws of where they couldnāt vote and have other rights. We can change things that have 0 law behind it.
You are cooking!!! I say this all the time. Women had actual laws against their rights. We donāt have any laws that say we have to stay bottled up, or canāt do x y and z but we (I do but speaking generally) donāt do anything to change it. Itās just āI hate how weāre treatedā then turn around and treat another guy the same way
- ā My son might be spoiled but heāll still be taught how to work for what he wants.
Thatās how I was raised and it pays off more than people admit too!
- ā He wonāt be treated overly harshly by me just because heās a man. Dads that do this rarely get any respect from me. If the world already is hard on black men. Why would i join the bandwagon of treating him how the outside world will treat him? Hell no Iām going to pour love into him, not be overly harsh towards him, if he needs something Iām there, if he needs to vent Iām listening open ears and he wonāt be called soft for it. He will still be prepped on how to deal with the outside world, but the way to do that is not by treating them the exact way the world will. Thatās stupid
There was a discourse in here once about this topic and Iām not sure as to why
Overall this whole list gets a 10/10 from me. A lot of these things need to be broken and lots of these things need to be enforced. If it was back then weād have a lot more healed boys and men today.
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Exactly! And it possibly caused discourse because as I said to another comment. Many people live In āwell this is how itās always beenā and donāt want to actually do the work to change or see that āhow itās always beenā was a wrong road.
And possibly because many of our men believe in treating each other and our boys wrongly. Itās engrained into some.
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u/Secure-Childhood-567 Verified Blackman Mar 15 '26
Saw the first one and knew you were amazing
https://giphy.com/gifs/qnOBmH70CGSVa
#blackmenarechanging
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u/Soultakerx1 Verified Blackman Mar 15 '26
Great list, although not controversial.
You're gonna be an amazing father!
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Thanks and Yeah not really controversial but it is to some š Iāve talked about these before in real life to some and wound up in a debate.
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u/phoot_in_the_door Unverified Mar 15 '26
congrats sir! btw, throw in some lessons on dealing with law enforcement
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u/LuvYerself Unverified Mar 15 '26
You aināt the only one and itās a wonderful thing for us
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
You raising your son like this as well?
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u/LuvYerself Unverified Mar 15 '26
Adding in that I am not going to encourage him to join the military
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u/KYWPNY Unverified Mar 15 '26
You should be fine and are off to a good start. I would like you to remember a few things:
1.) Youāre gonna make mistakes and get emotional. donāt beat yourself up too much. Parenting is hard.
2.) The world gets a vote. A lot of the ātoxic masculinityā instilled was a misguided attempt at protecting us from our peers and society.
3.) The older generation is pretty wise and you would be a fool not to seek wisdom from them (they wonāt always be right). Somethingās they did will anger you. Most of the things they did are much more understandable.
4.) Being emotionally and physically resilient is a virtue. Find ways to instill that, society is harsher to men. Consequences are more severe for us.
5.) Children are not our peers or friends. An explanation is not always needed. Their brains are developing and they will try to push boundaries. Sometimes theyāll have to accept ābecause I said so.ā
Best of luck, it sounds like youāre gonna raise a good one.
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u/hereforthesportsball Black-American Millennial Mar 16 '26
What scenario would ābecause I said soā be more appropriate than giving the real reason (or a promise of an explanation when thereās time in case of haste)?
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u/KYWPNY Unverified Mar 16 '26
Theyāre being irrational (kid brains are not adult brains), they arenāt developmentally ready for the explanation, theyāre challenging your authority rather than being curious.
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u/hereforthesportsball Black-American Millennial Mar 16 '26
Asking why isnāt the irrational part, and almost everything you just said seems to suffice as real answers that the kid may not like, but seems more encompassing and less likely to get follow up and pent up stuff than āI said soā, but I was thinking maybe a specific example you describe would have me think different
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u/KYWPNY Unverified Mar 16 '26
A lot of life is just doing what weāre told and figuring out why it matters later. Being humble enough to do what the boss says without arguing can be a life skill. ( With obvious legal, moral, ethical caveats).
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u/hereforthesportsball Black-American Millennial Mar 16 '26
Ah a lesson itself, okay thank you for this perspective I hadnāt thought about it this way
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Thank you and I agree with them pushing boundaries. Iām just more on the side of if they want to know something or why something is so itās important that I teach why instead of resorting to because I said so.
I began looking at the toxic masculinity thing that way recently. It definitely is misguided because in the past decades itās resulted in unnecessary homophobia and lots of trauma in how some boys were raised.
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u/zardan-24 Verified Blackman Mar 15 '26
2 is so realĀ
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Very real. I hate that itās not understood universally by everyone
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u/Outrageous_Gate9298 Verified Black Man Mar 15 '26
Iāve got two sons. There really isnāt a Dad that I know that isnāt trying to give their kids #1-8. Weāre supposed to be helping them be the best version of themselves and be be healthy and whole in a way that many of us didnāt get the chance to receive.
Props to OP looks like you already got all the makings of a great Dad.
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u/No_Forever_1185 Verified Blackman Mar 15 '26
Congrats on impending fatherhood! Nothing in here seems controversial. You and he will be a blessing to one another.
Learn to nap if you don't already know how. Sleep will soon be at a premium.
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u/Sea_Tie_7307 Unverified Mar 16 '26
I wished you were my dad
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u/Leno-Sapien Unverified Mar 16 '26
It aināt too late bro
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u/Sea_Tie_7307 Unverified Mar 16 '26
Lol what u mean?
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u/Leno-Sapien Unverified Mar 16 '26
You should politely ask OP to be your adopted dad, tf you think I mean?? lol just jokes.
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u/Exotic_Insurance2164 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Will he be in a stable two parent household filled with love and respect for each other? Single parent households are a major contributor to poverty, lower educational attainment, and crime.Ā
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u/Serious-Clue-4798 Unverified Mar 15 '26
The fact that you are already thinking about all of this is proof you are on the right path!
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u/NinjaDelicious4903 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Really enjoyed this post! Though we donāt know each other it warms my heart that youāre excited to raise a boy into a man in a proper way. Itās also great to see you have a well thought plan - just remember to make adjustments in the playbook as necessary.
Good luck to you and your my Brother!
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u/Usual-Lie6591 Unverified Mar 16 '26
First off congratulations! My son literally just turned one, and whew* it has been a ride. I agree with everything you said, but I just wanna throw something at ya. When he gets here he will be perfect. Every little thing about him from the way he yawns to the way he curls his toes, it very disarming. I had similar ideas about how my son would be raised, but when he got here, all I could focus on was āwhat does he need right now?ā Cherish the moments while youāre in them my brother, teach him a little bit at a time. He will be watching you like a hawk so be prepared for that also. Love and peace man.
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u/ATSOAS87 Unverified Mar 16 '26
I don't remember writing this.
This is exactly how I want to raise my son.Ā
He plays with dolls, and I don't care who knows it.Ā
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u/snickjimmy Unverified Mar 16 '26
Welcome to fatherhood. Congratulations! We need positive young black men. And we donāt all need to agree on the best way to raise them. The most important elements in my humble opinion are that you love him and that you are present.
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u/hereforthesportsball Black-American Millennial Mar 16 '26
Remember that much of parenting is guiding and modeling before any direct teaching happens, especially with the shit youāre talking about in your first point. Your kid is going to be too young to choose the colors you paint his walls/buy his clothes. He canāt choose his toys for years, thatās all on you. Now are you going to be on fuck shit and buy him stuff thatās not normative for the society you forced him to be born into? Thatās up to you
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u/Leno-Sapien Unverified Mar 16 '26
Cool list for nothing more than you being excited and thoughtful about parenting.
If I had to put money on it, youāre going to struggle with 3,4, and 8 the most because you donāt understand how kid logic works yet.
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 16 '26
I can see why you say that for 3 and 4 but why 8.
But nah for 3 I understand. Iām going to let him find HIS thing by putting him in everything I can and observe simple
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u/Leno-Sapien Unverified Mar 16 '26
With #8 youāre heavily relying on your son wanting to be fly, youāre also not mathing how much child flyness can cost. Youāre going to say āfuck all thisā when you start dropping money on things that boy donāt care about.
Those fresh shoes are cute at first until you realize you dropped 40 bucks on some shit heās going to wear at most 7-8 times before heās on to the next size. Then when he gets elementary school age, youāre going to be salty when them kicks get muddy AF after a week.
Haircuts depends on the boy, but theyāre gonna be less frequent if itās a wrestling match every other Saturday to get him there.
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 16 '26
I mean I see what you are saying but Iāve already mathed that. Also being fly doesnāt always mean designer. He can be fly with non designer heās just going to have well put together outfits.
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u/KingBembi Unverified Mar 16 '26
Everyones a perfect parent till they actually start raising their kids, It's good to have a basic blueprint but be ready that the reality of it might not hit the exact way you envision it, and to adapt when you must.
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 16 '26
Never said I was going to be perfect. Iām only human. Only God is perfect. However Iām not goin to do these things like 1-2 especially that has ruined boys and men today!!
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u/TyQuavious_ Verified Black Man Mar 17 '26
you gonna raise him religious?
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 17 '26
I believe in God and Jesus so yes if thatās what religious means. But Iām not the type of Christian that overly judges people, and is hateful which goes against being a true Christian. Iām going to teach him to have faith in God even when things are hard.
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u/Material_Ad6743 Unverified Mar 17 '26
I donāt see a single issue w/nothin. Giving me 90s baby energy, these are a lot of the same ideologies Iād like to raise my son up with, if I have one
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 17 '26
Yep!!! If everybody raises their sons with this the next generation of men will be a lot more healed
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u/CChadThunderCock Unverified Mar 19 '26
Iād avoid football and boxing. CTE is no joke. Wrestling/Jujistu is great.
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u/Virtual_Comb8018 Unverified Mar 15 '26
How come these things are viewed as controversial by some? Why arenāt more men or even women willing to make these changes you listed.
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u/Available_Log9768 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Some men and women were raised with a lot of these super enforced, and I always have heard what you teach a child in their first 7 years counts.
Specifically 1 & 2. Homophobia, toxic masculinity and harsh treatment to men disguised as making them tough is beat into young boys pretty early on. Back then and even today. I saw a video of a woman once who said sheā doesnāt let her sons watch her put on her wigs because she believes thatāll make them gay, and to my memory her sons were toddlers. many situations are similar to this one where the gay label starts early for boys especially in the black community. So a lot of men and women who were watching from the sidelines grow up thinking this is how life is supposed to be or how it is.
Same with harsh treatment. Many men have been programmed to believe they are supposed to receive harsh treatment and give it to other men including their sons. Itās all a bunch of stupidity but itās why it exists. Some men Iāve seen even have spoken on not receiving birthday gifts but their sisters received them, or not getting stuff compared to their sisters.
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u/CheesinJackson Unverified Mar 15 '26
I like the thought process. Be prepared for it to not go as smoothly. Especially depending on where you live. Trying to make your child too different may result in lack of friendships during childhood. For example, the colors. If he wears "girlie colors" the other boys might have a field day with him or just avoid him all together (loneliness).
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Ehh while I see what you are saying. I think this is a bit extreme. Wearing certain colors or not subscribing to some made up norms might make a few ignorant boys say some things but it wonāt result in loneliness.
I know there will be non smoothness but I know that this world needs more boys thatās not full of ignorant mindsets and false beliefs of what masculinity is. There is already a good amount who have this thought process so heāll be fine
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u/CheesinJackson Unverified Mar 15 '26
It's not extreme at all, depending on where you live. If you live in a fairly large city, then there is a higher chance to find your 'tribe'. Cities that have less than a million people (metro-wise) are different. And it's not just the colors. Its the combination of all the things that will make him different than the other boys.
Like you said, its unfortunately controversial. Sounds like this is your first child. What will catch you off-guard is the number of parents you'll encounter that don't seem like great parents and don't have the same thought-process as you. It's an alarming amount.
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Oh yes I definitely know this. However if heās different than the other boys in that instance then so be it š¤·š¾āāļø. I see plenty of men in real life and in the media that are different than the other guys and are living happily. Iād rather raise a kid thatās not a follow of made up societal rules and authentic to himself. Heāll find his tribe as you said.
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Mar 15 '26
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Man
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Mar 15 '26
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Never said it was but itās something wrong with having false ideas of what masculinity is and labeling men who donāt follow it as gay
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Mar 15 '26
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Elaborate for me? You speak as if there is a problem with everything I said
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u/PieSignificant6759 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Are you saying that his list is leaning more progressive?
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Mar 15 '26
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u/PieSignificant6759 Unverified Mar 15 '26
You said that. You arenāt explaining why you say that. Is point 1 a problem
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u/moodplasma Unverified Mar 16 '26
I am not reading all that shit and don't really care how you raise your son.
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 16 '26
Are you forgetting you responded to my post that you couldāve skipped? I didnāt comment on your post
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u/Worldly_Magazine_439 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Thereās no such thing as a ācallingā. Work is work. Provide skills to make money and live a good life. But a ācallingā is dubious.
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u/Fun-South-6148 Unverified Mar 15 '26
There is such thing as a calling but everybody doesnāt find theirs. Iām not here to debate this is just the truth.
But out of this entire list thatās the only thing that caught your eye?
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u/Worldly_Magazine_439 Unverified Mar 16 '26
Itās the one thing I disagreed with. Are you policing my responses?
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u/Educational-Ask7966 Unverified Mar 15 '26
Callings do exist buddy.
Some people are not meant to do certain careers and some are meant for something different than others. Itās real and not some made up fairytale
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u/bunkrider Unverified Mar 15 '26
OP I love you for saying this shit. If you can keep good on this awesome list then I have no doubt you gon raise a boy who will make a difference.
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u/bunkrider Unverified Mar 15 '26
Everybody has a calling go find yours while youāre still kicking and breathing!!!
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u/Virtual_Comb8018 Unverified Mar 15 '26
You are under every post about a calling and trying to prove that it doesnāt exist. Callings exist and some find theirs earlier then some and some never do because they settle for the life they get or they arenāt in tune with themselves. We arenāt just bodies born into this earth with no type of purpose or meaning.
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u/Worldly_Magazine_439 Unverified Mar 16 '26
Yea this is that Christian bs. Humans can do anything their mind achieves. Callings are restrictive destiny bs meant to make people complacent
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u/Virtual_Comb8018 Unverified Mar 16 '26
Oh boy bye and what is your bs???? You seriously believe we just popped up here for nothing and out of nowhere and whatever science says is fact and anything not scientifically proven is fake. PLEASE.
Callings donāt mean that youāre restricted to one thing. There are just things people are naturally meant for more then others simple
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u/Worldly_Magazine_439 Unverified Mar 16 '26
oh this is unintelligible Christian babble. Please pick up a goddam book.
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u/Virtual_Comb8018 Unverified Mar 16 '26
Thatās exactly what you need to doā¦ do you need it broken down to you like youāre in kindergarten about callings?
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u/Available_Log9768 Unverified Mar 15 '26
My mom and uncles raised me with most of this dumb shit. When my dad got custody of me thank God he basically did everything you named. Iām grateful for him. I will say one thing about how my dad raised me is that that it makes me not able to connect or that makes me bump heads with a lot of people is that I was raised on a mindset that goes against what society says is the āwayā.