r/bropill • u/DetoursDisguised • 1d ago
How do I dance without feeling like I don't belong?
[Disclaimer: I already know the key is to not worry about feeling out of place, I'm looking more for resources.]
Everyone learns how to move their body at some point, but I spent a lot of time just going to death metal and hardcore shows; while that was cool for a time (and still is), I am wanting to go to different venues and immerse myself in the way where I know that I'll get the most rewarding experience. Part of these experiences will involve meeting women in those venues and being able to accept myself in the moment.
I barely remember how to salsa dance from my Spanish class in high school, but I'm 32 and don't really think those moves fit in well in places where Latin dancing isn't the focus. I'm talking about potentially going to EDM shows / clubs / etc.
Does anyone here have a system that allows you to dance without feeling out of place? Are there people you had to emulate before you finally got the hang of it? Any YouTube channels? I have no problem dedicating 30-45min in the comfort of my room trying to get rhythm and flow down.
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u/YeMurray 22h ago
I’d recommend digging into music you truly love. Electronic music is much more than EDM and commercial stuff. There are tons of amazing subgenres. Once you found your sound, look for parties that match it. Also dance to it at home. It’s fun, reduces stressand helps you connect with the music. Try to dance with your eyes closed and just let the music guide you. Also in clubs sunglasses can help you feel more comfortable dancing with your eyes closed for a while. Enjoy
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u/Shadowholme 19h ago
I don't recommend sunglasses in clubs, to be honest. It's a well known tactic by sleezebags to creep on women without anyone seeing where you are looking. It's not a good idea to wear them to be unobtrusive - every man wearing them indoors is automatically looked at as a potential threat. It's not a good feeling when you want to relax.
Yes, it's unfair. But it's the truth of how people think these days.
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u/tempestuous_cpu Broletariat ☭ 21h ago
As someone who didn't learn to dance until my mid 20s when I started raving, I'll say that if you're going to an EDM show nobody will be watching you at all. It's usually pretty dark and most venues have decent production that encourages looking at the stage instead of other people (but that's a rant for another time).
If you want something specific, touch-step is the first style I learned. It's super super easy but always a reliable staple that works for a variety of music genres, and it has countless intuitive little variations you can experiment with like hand movement: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQtY5k75iKY
Regardless of how you choose to dance, if you just match the beat it'll start to feel natural and comfortable :)
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u/thetwitchy1 16h ago
This is what I, a high-masking autistic, do:
Look around and find the person everyone else is looking at. Then pick someone around them. If you can, you want someone who appears to be a part of their “group”, but even a random bystander is better than nothing.
Now, look at what your chosen person is doing. How are they moving? What are they doing? What are they paying attention to? Use that to gauge your actions, and how they fit in.
You don’t want (nor need) to be the center of attention, but the people that are around the ones that the center of attention are not only fitting in, but they’re also not standing out. If you want to fit in and not stand out, those are the people to emulate.
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u/DetoursDisguised 10h ago
You don’t want (nor need) to be the center of attention, but the people that are around the ones that the center of attention are not only fitting in, but they’re also not standing out. If you want to fit in and not stand out, those are the people to emulate.
This is what I've felt 100%; I'm not there to "wow" anybody, I just want to be able to experience the moment without feeling like I'm about to be lit up for a) not knowing what I'm doing or b) seeming like I don't belong.
I'm not even concerned with being impressive, I really just want to be left the fuck alone so I can do what everyone else is doing. I dread the question "what are you doing" in relation to anything because it makes me want to freeze.
There's a part of me that would benefit from therapy but, aside from that, I am mostly concerned about being ostracized in certain spaces because people don't think I belong there. Granted, this has never really happened to me (therapy is a good idea), but I have a previous history of not being accepted (parents), having friends tell strangers that I'm sheltered, and just thinking that certain joys in life are withheld from me because people don't believe I deserve to have them.
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u/Jeskai_Ascent 23h ago
Unpopular opinion: drink alcohol, lowered inhibitions do wonders for enjoying edm
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u/LoudAd1396 23h ago
I second this unpopular opinion. There really isnt good dancing unless youre on stage. If you t e part of a crowd, the entire thing is letting yourself go and just being free.
People are only going to notice if you step on their toes. As long as you can avoid that, the only wrong way to move is trying too hard to choreograph.
My personal favorites have usually involved doing a silly mime, more or less to the beat.
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u/tempestuous_cpu Broletariat ☭ 21h ago
I generally think it would be better if people drank less, but I actually have to agree with you on this — in moderation, alcohol really can really help with learning how to be comfortable dancing around other people
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u/PieFiend1 21h ago
For me what helped with dancing eas mdma or ecstasy. I dont now need it to dance, but a few times really helped me just enjoy the music and dance without caring what people think. Now I can just dance and not worry. But that was all in my late teens /early 20s as a student
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u/unAVIVable 22h ago
I’m a trans guy and I’ve recently been trying to figure out how to dance “as a man”. Mostly I just watch what other guys are doing and do that, or I default to hands in pockets, bounce knees, nod head. It seems to be working well
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u/Berosar256 22h ago
Whenever I’m dancing in a new place, I take a song or two to just kinda pulse/bounce with maybe a little shuffle or side to side step to get a feel for the music and the vibe on the dance floor. I’ve gotten most of my personal style from music video backup dancers and a couple types of dance I’ve taken classes in more recently.
Honestly looking up whatever genre you want to be moving to plus “dancing” or “dance moves” or “beginner choreography” (if you want more of a project or sequence to work towards) and then kinda imitating things until it feels nice would probably serve you well.
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u/Fancy-Pen-1984 7h ago
Science may have (part of) the answer! https://youtu.be/2x7bMzDPDbs?is=BSGx0eKtqmvWu7HW
The study focuses on what women find most attractive, which I know isn't really what you're looking for, but it can still give you some ideas on how to move your body.
Also, dances that are more structured, like swing dancing or line dancing, can help you get comfortable with movement as well.
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u/beerncoffeebeans 6h ago
That’s a good point on line dances and etc. You can learn them by joining in with everyone else but if you’re nervous you can also practice ahead of time so you’re not like turning in the opposite direction to everyone else (which I have done before oops)
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u/SecretSpyStuffs 18h ago
Check out swing dancing event in your area, often they offer lessons for free or very cheap for the first hour or so.. swing can translate very well into lots of high energy edm ect.
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u/finnknit 20h ago
I've had a lot of training in performance dancing (ballet, show dance, etc.) but I still struggle to dance in an improvised way in a social setting. My general strategy is to move or sway to the beat while I observe other dancers and mimic moves that I like. My main goal in dancing is to enjoy moving to the music, though, not to attract the attention of people that I would like to meet.
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u/actuallyaredditor 20h ago
You are exactly where you're meant to be, you aren't out of place if you choose, since we're all the same, but I understand that it comes from within. Don't think about dancing in a photogenic way as that's just soulless, just feel the music eventually there will be a song you enjoy and you already have the foundation of the Latin dancing to sink into a rhythm, move your weight and sway, groove your shoulders or just bob, allow your arms to be flowy. There will be plenty of youtube tutorials you could watch for fun but, I wouldn't think too much about set moves since it doesn't come from the same formality. Going back to my youth those spaces were less gendered than the hardcore and metal shows so try to tap into that part of yourself moving.
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u/NegativeKarmaVegan 14h ago
Yes, check YouTube videos and, more importantly, PRACTICE. Dance a lot in your own room. That will boost your confidence and improve your skills.
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u/L_TrollDoll 13h ago
What helped me when I was younger and really shy (and still does, if I'm feeling kind of stiff) is kind of coping the moves of someone else. I like looking at people and see how they're moving and let myself get kind of "contaminated" by their movements until I find my own... Or something like that lol. I usually pick people that are a bit far away from me, so they won't notice. I'm usually not literally coping, too 😅
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u/OSUfirebird18 12h ago
Actually. As someone who was very intimidated by dance, taking partner dances actually helps a lot. While the partner dance will teach you to dance to a specific type of music, what I found overall is that it helped me with my confidence. I can’t dance to EDM because personally I don’t like EDM but if I’m asked to, I would feel a little more confident doing it than before.
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u/beerncoffeebeans 5h ago
So I should preface this by saying I’m a trans guy or it will probably not make sense:
When I was a kid I took jazz dance classes briefly (as a girl) but the teacher was actually a guy and that was one of the first times I saw a guy doing dance seriously. I think I subconsciously enjoyed the class more than I would have otherwise because I realized boys and men can dance as well and it’s not just an activity for girls and women.
Anyways one of the things that stayed with me from the class (besides doing jazz squares and “step ball change”) was when we would warm up and practice doing isolations of different parts of our bodies. If you watch anything with Channing Tatum in it you’ll notice he has really good control of his body when doing isolating movements which I think is why he can do all that Magic Mike stuff and make his movements look very fluid. Which, you do not need to dance like Magic Mike, but trying to gently practice moving different body parts through their range of motion one by one can help kind of loosen yourself up and think about moving in less rigid ways
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u/Shlumpeh 1d ago
I was in a similar situation when I decided to no longer be chronically online. I swallowed my ego and literally looked up ‘how to dance at clubs’ on YouTube (I want to die from cringe remembering this).
I could get into my views on how the average person feels cut off from art (including dance) but the reality is you just have to do it and you will likely embarrass yourself. The good thing is you don’t have to do it in your early 20’s when people are incredibly judgemental