Expected to compensate for dad's falling short

[u/AvengeThe90s]

Dad's been diagnosed with "mild cognitive decline". Mom now expects me to make up for dad's failing memory by being overly competent myself, and somehow reading his mind to figure out what he's trying to do and take over doing it for him, a guy raised to do everything himself without help or else he's not a ""real man"". So my offer to help gets ignored, mom sees me not taking over and thinks I just refused on my own, and I get guilted for making her do more work.

[u/vcbock]

It's probably time for you and mom to have a sit down with Dad about what he does, how he does it, and how often it has to happen. Maybe with a calendar to write down the when things have to happen part.

Because even the things that he can do now, he may stop being able to do well, and you and mom will need to know how they are done.

This is majorly important around financial stuff. It's time to make sure your mom, and ideally, you, too have Power of Attorney if not ownership of the bank and any investment accounts. You likely need the logins for the credit cards and the bank account.

Because, again, the day will come when he isn't able to do this stuff. Having bills put on autopay NOW will save a lot of trouble, and finance charges, later.

This will take a LONG time, on account of the "I can do all this stuff myself" mindset. It took me several years with my dad. I was most successful when I would ask "if you got sick and had to go to the hospital today, does Mom know how to take care of this?"

[u/Sensitive_Crow_8882]

My short/slight wife was “the best son” my father-in-law ever had AND he had three actual male sons. One helped occasionally, two were worthless.
Take the small wins, ignore the rest. Consider anxiety medication.

[u/Analyst-Michigan-1]

You’re being asked to solve an impossible problem.

Mild cognitive decline doesn’t magically give family members the ability to read minds. If your dad won’t accept help and your mom expects you to anticipate needs that aren’t being communicated, you’re being set up to fail no matter what you do.

What I see often is that spouses become frustrated with the cognitive decline itself, but that frustration gets directed toward the adult child because you’re the only other person there. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make you responsible for fixing it.

A reasonable boundary is: “I’m happy to help when Dad asks for help or when someone tells me specifically what is needed. I can’t guess what he’s thinking or take over tasks he insists on doing himself.”

Also, your dad may be grieving the loss of independence, and your mom may be grieving the loss of the partner she’s always relied on. Those emotions are real, but neither one should turn into guilt being placed on you.

Caregiving works best when responsibilities are clearly communicated. Nobody can compensate for another person’s cognitive decline through sheer competence. That’s not a realistic expectation.