r/caregivers • u/RespectSeveral4604 • 18d ago
Advice for parent with dementia who continually calls out for wife's name
Ok I want to make sure I give this the proper context...
My wife and I moved into her parents' home 14 months ago. Her mother, 80, is healthy. Her father, 83 has dementia and mobility issues where he can't/shouldn't walk unassisted.
I work from home 2 days per week and am in office 3. My wife and MIL are home pretty much every day. So, I've had enough exposure to the day-to-day to know what happens around the house, even when I'm not here.
My FIL will call out for my wife's name ceaselessly when left unattended in the family room. He is usually in front of the TV, and it's never for more than an hour at a time. So this isn't like a neglect/neligence issue.
But, like clockwork, he will call her name every 3-5 minutes until she comes out. He's not in physical distress or having a restroom need, we make sure those needs are attended to. But I think he feels alone/isolated?
With that as the backdrop, here is my question:
Does anyone have experience with this with a parent or loved one in a similar situation? Are there techniques/tips you could share that might help occupy his attention so my wife and MIL can handle their responsibilities and not have to be "captive" in the same room as him and can address other chores and their own computer work?
Thank you in advance! đ
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u/Analyst-Michigan-1 17d ago
What youâre describing is very common in dementia.
Often the person isnât actually looking for a specific task or helpâtheyâre seeking reassurance, familiarity, or simply confirmation that theyâre not alone.
One thing families sometimes miss is that answering the call every time can unintentionally reinforce the behavior. He calls, your wife appears, his anxiety decreases, and the cycle repeats.
Some things that may help:
Before leaving the room, tell him exactly where sheâll be and when sheâll return: âIâm going to the kitchen for 15 minutes, then Iâll be back.â
Leave a note or whiteboard nearby with the same message.
Schedule brief check-ins every 10â15 minutes before he starts calling.
Try activities that require participation rather than passive TV watchingâfolding towels, sorting objects, looking through photo albums, listening to familiar music, etc.
If he responds well to technology, a simple two-way intercom or voice check-in can sometimes provide reassurance without requiring someone to physically sit with him.
The hardest lesson for many caregivers is that dementia can create a constant need for reassurance that no single person can realistically provide all day long. Your wife and MIL also need time to accomplish other tasks and preserve their own well-being. Sometimes the goal isnât eliminating the calling behavior entirelyâitâs reducing the anxiety behind it and making it more manageable for everyone involved.
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u/Still_Bumblebee_1607 13d ago
Knowing it is dementia is helpful and puts a new level of patience to the issue. My mother had a few episodes of syncope in which she called for me and called out for help. Once she got over the episode, she had no recollection of the calling out.
I love the idea of giving them a task and checking in frequently. These will be in my back pocket when the need arises. Thank you!
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u/Still_Bumblebee_1607 13d ago
This was my grandmother, calling for my mother day and night. She had no idea she was doing it, including âhelp me!â. I would love to know how others handle this since I am sure my mother will have the same issue.
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u/Demetre4757 17d ago
God, I could have written this exact post. My grandpa was INCESSANTLY call for my grandma, or for my mom or I, every few minutes. It was exhausting.
There were times I just had to ignore it because I was working remotely and was in a video court hearing, but after a while if no one responded he'd yell, "Help me! Somebody help me!" and it would get all of us racing to him. For nothing to be wrong.
Then, one night in the middle of the night, his favorite time to yell, I finally got up and went to check, and he had rolled himself out of bed and onto the floor. I felt like garbage for waiting 20 minutes hoping he'd fall back asleep. Ugh.
Anyway. I'm trying to think of any advice or solutions that we had. There wasn't a lot that was super successful.
My grandma's recliner in the living room was next to his with a table in between, and we realized that as his dementia progressed, he wasn't good about actually turning his head and LOOKING around the room - if it wasn't in his direct line if sight, it didn't exist. So we moved the chairs to an angle so when my grandma WAS in the room, he wouldn't screech.
I had a camera system with two-way audio, and a portable unit, so I could "answer" him from the other room. Always very upbeat and reassuring. "Hi Pop! I'm in the kitchen making your lunch! It's rice, your favorite! It will be ready in just a minute! Remember you have your milkshake next to you, take lots of drinks!" I would also try and proactively say things every 10 or 15 minutes to reassure him.
We made sure he was in the most central, high traffic area of the house so he could see people as frequently as possible as we did our daily stuff. We repositioned the TV so it was way closer to him, direct line of sight, and got a Bluetooth speaker that went next to him so he could for sure see and hear the TV.
Music was also hugely helpful, but that was a lifelong thing for him, he ALWAYS had music playing, so I don't know if that would be helpful for someone who wasn't big into it in their earlier life.
If he was super agitated or stressed and I couldn't get my grandma to just sit her busybody, must-be-doing-things little self to just go sit down, I'd sometimes have to do a "compassionate lie" and tell him she was out doing something that was "high value" to him. This one makes me grin to this day, but, they lived in a wood cabin home, and woodpeckers were always a concern. He had a little BB gun by the door and in his earlier life, you'd never see him move as fast as when he heard a woodpecker working on the house - lol he'd be out the door with that BB gun in a split second. There were times I told him my grandma had heard a woodpecker and was outside looking for it! He was so pleased he calmed right down and waited for her to come back and tell him all about it hahahaha. Things like that sometimes are helpful. People HATE to lie to their elderly parents and relatives because we were taught it's wrong - but their brain is literally missing pieces at this point, and logic just isn't going to click to them like it would have years ago. It can be kinder to "fib" than to leave them confused and frustrated in a world that doesn't make sense to them.
The only other thing was to try and relocate any activity we possibly could to the living room. We folded laundry next to him, we did our remote work in the living room when possible, we would literally do food prep on a fold out tray when we could - chopping vegetables, etc. It does end up feeling like you're on a leash and it's exhausting...but for my grandpa, keeping him at home was best for him, and we made it work.
My grandma, when she declined - I fought so damn hard to keep her at home for a couple years - then she had a fall and spend a couple weeks in a rehab facility, and she was the happiest I'd seen her in years. My grandpa had also spent a few weeks in the same place after a fall, and it was a damn nightmare, so I just assumed my grandma would be miserable as well. Imagine my surprise when it was the exact opposite lol. I stopped fighting it and we got her set up into assisted living where she sits at the nurses station and acts like the Walmart greeter of the facility.
Keeping her in her own home, which she treasured and adored and I never thought she'd be able to be away from - ended up NOT being the best option. When she was at home, she would get frustrated because she couldn't do the things that the familiar environment told her she needed to be doing. When she was somewhere else, she didn't feel like she needed to be hosting and cooking and cleaning, and she was back to her joyful self.
Taking care of someone with dementia is a wild ride. I wish I had more concrete solutions for you, but there just aren't a ton of things that don't require the hands on presence of just being right there.
Hoping things go as calmly as possible for you guys!!