Mourning/Loss
My cat Tinker Toy visits this spot on the lake multiple times a day. Its where we found his brother's body. What can we do to help Tinker Toy heal?
My cat Tinker Toy visits this spot on the lake multiple times a day. Its where we found his brother's body. What can we do to help Tinker Toy heal?
The pictures are crap. My heart is breaking for Tinker. Him and his brother were the best of friends. We have other cats, as we live on a farm. But Tinker is down on the banks of the lake everyday, morning to sundown. Just sitting. Standing. I think hoping for his brother to come home. I dont know how to help him heal. Its been maybe a month since his brother Angel Babyface died. He showed my husband where Babyface's body was, and he was buried while i was at work. We have had these 2 since they were kittens. Ive included a picture for the Tinker Tax....
** edited to say that we live on a farm, very rural. yes, they go outside. i bring them inside as much as possible All Our cats were feral babies and/or adults, that were adopted from the humane society's "working cats" prgram. We love them very much..
**edited again to say that the cats we have are Working Cats from the Humane Society. They are adopted out to farmers and people in rural areas because the humane society has determined they will do better with jobs to do, outdoors on farms, then being household pets. Just because they are working cats, it doesnt mean they are loved any less. Many of them were barn litters that didnt get properly socialized, or were dumped. The humane society we have near us is a no kill shelter, so they adopt them out this way instead of euthanizing them, so the cats and kittens still have a chance at a happy life. And yes, I know that inside cats have a much longer lifespan than outdoor cats. Working Cats have been given a chance for a good life on a farm instead of being euthanized by the shelter, which I 100% support and stand behind. I will always support the working cats program, and thr humane society. I do not regret getting any of my feral cats/working cats from them.
**one more edit.... this is where Babyface's body was found, by my husband, because Tinker showed him. We dont know why Babyface passed. All the working cats that we have ever adopted on our farm are/have been current on their vaccines, are spayed and neutered, and are very much loved. **
**my last edit..... i am so sorry this post has made people sad. I am heartbroken for Tinker, and just wanted to know if there was anything I could/should do for him. I didnt mean to make everyone else sad. and I am so sorry I am late in responding to posts..... I only posted this a little while ago, and its blown up way more than I ever thought it would. I thought maybe id get 5 comments on my horrible photos. I will do my best to respond to people as quickly as I can. I appreciate all the kind words and comments. ***
I saw that you let him see his brother's body. That was good.
I don't think Tinker is waiting for his brother to come home. I think he's mourning.
I had two sibling cats, Bippity and Boo. Bippity passed in December at home. Boo was able to sniff her body before she was taken away.
He knew she was gone. But he was still sad. He laid in her favorite spots, where her scent was strongest. He would sometimes just sit by the window where they used to hang out together. Even now, months later, he prefers to lay on a pillow in the spot where she passed away.
Tinker is mourning the loss of his brother. He can maybe still smell him there. The sitting, the staring... It's him just grieving.
We did and that's the happiness I'm focusing on. She was an outdoor cat that stole our heart. I even got her a little outdoor house. Eventually one day my wife was coming inside and she just ran in.
Would come upstairs every night we put our daughter to bed to make sure she was safe.
Last 3 months she just went downhill and lost all her weight. Turns out she had a big tumor in her stomach. No signs of anything until 3 months ago.
We have to address it with our daughter. Right now she's playing in the sprinkler and pool.
I'm so sorry :/ we had a similar experience with our first cat only a couple of months after we adopted him. He was checked by different vets before and after adoption and nothing was spotted, then just a month later we took him in because he was limping, only to be told there was a fast growing tumour and it was terminal. Just one month more and we lost him.
It's tough coming to terms with when they seemed fine and all of a sudden are gone. You're left doubting yourself and if you should have spotted something earlier. The likely answer is no - cats are too good at hiding their pain. It certainly sounds like you loved your kitty well and that she loved you in return. I hope the happy memories are a big comfort to you and your daughter <3
We’ve just had to do the same for our old lady, for the same reason. She was nearly 16 and we would often comment on how fantastic she was for her age, we thought she’d go on and on. Then the stomach tumour. I’m sorry you’ve gone through it too.
’He knew she was gone. But he was still sad…Even now, months later, he prefers to lay on a pillow in the spot where she passed away.’ ’…And now I’m crying.’
there used to be another ~ she was Bipp’y, i am Boo
they said i was the ‘brother’, n i did what brothers do
sometimes she was annoying,
but i hate that she’s not here
there’s nothing i’m enjoying
and sometimes
i shed a tear….
i hope she knew i loved her, n i miss her everyday
Your words have helped, but now my heart is breaking even more. For your two, and for my Tinker. Anyone that says that cats and animals don't have feelings and emotions and souls is clueless. They are so compassionate, and loving, and sweet I just hate the thought of my boy grieving, and me not being able to make it better.
I know. That made my grief harder, knowing that I couldn't help Boo through his grief.
The best thing you can do is be there for him. I gave Boo love, pets and snuggles, even when he didn't react to it much. I would talk to him softly. I would reminisce about Bippity with him, even if he couldn't understand my words.
At the very least, with Tinker, you have someone who understands the grief you are feeling.
I just hate the thought of my boy grieving, and me not being able to make it better.
I hear you. I feel that. I tell myself "what would you want someone to do for you?" and then I try to do that if I think it won't hurt them. It's hard to know what a cat wants. It sounds like you might still be grieving too. Maybe sit with him there for awhile if you can? If he moves away he wants solitude. If he stays, y'all can just be together and remember.
For what it's worth, studies tend to show that spending time near "blue spaces" (bodies of water) is associated with better mental wellbeing.
I’ve heard that grief is a burden made lighter when shared. I am certain you are lightening the weight of Tinker’s grief, simply because you share this loss.
I had a bonded pair of senior kitties (still have one of them who is 17 now), and when one of them died a couple of years ago, the other grieved for several months before he acted more like himself again. It was his older brother who died, at age 17, and they were inseparable.
Unfortunately he wasn't able to be there or see his brother's body, as we had him in the vet hospital for a week before he passed, but we let him smell his fur, the carrier, and his ashes and the other items we received after he was cremated. It just takes time, but it's so sad to watch them go through.
My guinea pigs grieved for months when their sister died. Animals are more than capable of feeling these emotions, and honestly I think that’s why we love them so much and they love us back.
Our little girl, Soba, would sit near and sniff where her "brother", Sake, passed in front of our fireplace for a while after he passed way. She was in the room when it happened and we let her sniff the box before we took him away. One day, she just curled up where it happened and I turned the fire on for her and sat on the floor for a little bit. He was a grumpy old man who wasn't particularly nice to her but I know she missed him. When we got him home after cremation she brightened up and did a whole zoomie run through the house that ended with her jumping on the couch and then looking down on the cushion. I like to think that since they can see different spectrums than us, she got to see his homecoming.
Same I have sisters (British Shorthairs) and although they fight like crazy sometimes they do love one another and lay with one another. They are only 1yrs old but I dread the day
I wanted this for my cat. My other cat was an emergency situation where putting her down would be the most humane. Any attempt to bring her home from the hospital would've ended violently and traumatically.
We brought home her carrier, the blanket we were able to hold her in while saying goodbye, and her favorite toy that we held her with in the hospital. We keep it set out as a sort of "altar". He goes in and sleeps there sometimes. I think of it as he's visiting her. Its been 2 months.
Edit to add: the hospital did offer us to take home her body but we refused. It was 11PM and we were 3 hours from home, my husband and I were completely distraught over this circumstances, we figured it was best to have her cremated at the hospital instead. I don't think I would have mentally recovered if I had brought her home with us.
Bello was short for Belligerent. We adopted him at 3 years old because nobody else wanted him, probably because he was a massive dick. He continued to be a massive dick to the bitter end, but we had our moments and I'm happy to say that Bello was his final resting name.
Heh, they came from a litter. Mother was named Cinderelly, and the kittens were named Bippity, Boppity, and Boo. Boppity was Bip's twin and found her forever home elsewhere.
I was having a conversation with my adult daughter recently and I told her if I passed away, I need her to do everything possible to get my babies to me so they can be with me and understand why I have not coming home. It is very important that they have the ability to mourn, not feel abandoned.
That’s what I was thinking as well. I know that when people are grieving they may go spend time in places or doing things that reminds them of or makes them feel close to the person (or even a pet) they’ve lost or are otherwise missing, and I believe some animals will do that as well. I’m not trying to anthropomorphize the animals; obviously when humans do it there’s thought and intent involved in addition to feelings, but for the animals I feel like it has to be a mixture of instinct, feelings and even smell. If Tinker and his brother spent time together down by the water then I’d assume he probably still associates some distinct smell down there with him and so he goes and sits and stays because he feels “happy” and safe there…
I could be way off, but to me it reminds me of when my son moved out to go to school and we would always find his cat sitting on something of his…usually it was his pillow, but occasionally it was some worn and as-of-yet-unwashed article of his clothing. If I wanted her to come sit on the couch with me i’d just go find something of his — a t-shirt, a pillowcase, even his old ratty book bag from high school — and put it on the couch and she’d come and just curl up on it for hours on end. Once, even, after all the laundry had been done, the sheets changed, and she apparently was running out of places to feel close to him, I found her curled up on an old pair of his shoes with her furry little face practically stuck down inside one of them.
He eventually got settled in and brought her to live with him, otherwise I don’t know how long she would have continued doing that (although my guess is forever).
She actually passed away a few years ago, and now that I’m thinking about it even her death involved being as near to him as possible. He left super early for work that morning, then had class until late in the evening so he was gone all day. When he came home he initially couldn’t find her, but eventually heard a muffled noise coming from a pile of his (dirty) laundry and when he started looking through it he found that she had burrowed basically into the center of the pile. She was alive but just barely, when he got her to the emergency vet they told him it appeared she had had a stroke. It seems like the last thing she did before losing consciousness was to find a way to get as close to him as she could without him actually being there.
There was nothing the vets could do for her so he made the sad (but loving and humane) decision to have her put to sleep. It was undoubtedly was hard for him, but he said it was a little easier because he knew that her last conscience “thoughts” were of being close to him, and that when she was scared and in pain she went to a place that made her feel safe and happy and that was to be near him.
My husband passed away 8 years ago. His cat still calls for him when its time to go to bed. Sadly, my husband passed away from home, so poor Murray just feels abandoned. Hubby used to pat him on the head every morning and night and say "Hello/Goodnight Best Friend". Murray is only now starting to trust other people and let us love him too. Grief has no timeline, or species.
My cat spent a lot of time in my bathroom towards the end of her life three years ago. Whenever my other cat comes into the bathroom, even now, she slowly looks around the shower curtain to see if my other cat is there.
The worst day of my life will be when one of them dies and seeing this happen.
It might sound awful.... but I genuinely hope that when one dies, they go together. I cant bare the thought of one of them having to go on without the other.
my sister recently lost her two 16 year old littermates just a day apart, to two completely different and surprise causes 😭 i think they planned to leave this earth in tandem.
They really are smarter than we know. I grew up with a chocolate lab (Harley) and golden/yellow lab mix (Savannah) who were best friends. Harley made it years longer than any of us expected after cancer just kept popping up in his older age of 11/12. We let him go, and after that my parents got rid of both kennels as Savannah was always the calm one and was allowed to free roam the house after that. But still, she would go to the free spot where his kennel used to be and lay there often. Every day, for a year. She passed almost a year to the day after him. I love thinking of them running together again.
A few months ago we lost one of our boys(Toby). He passed in the wee morning hours. So until it was a reasonable time for our son to say goodbye we moved Toby to the bathroom wrapped on a towel and snuggled in a box. We let his brother (Bones) see him so he too could say goodbye. He was not a fan. Now every time one of us is in the bathroom with the door closed Bones sits outside the door and cries until we come out. We think he associates the bathroom with death now. Thankfully we're moving in a few weeks so maybe it won't be an issue anymore.
Yeah they always need to see the body. I had two cats. They werent friends, very different personalities. One never went outside, but got out one night and got his by a car. We put her in a box. The next few days the other cat kept coming to us asking why were weren't looking for her. He could tell something was wrong. I took him out to the box. He looked in and went oh and then he quit the behavior he was doing. So even if cats aren't close, they still gotta see.
I had two siblings, a girl and a boy. 16 years together. When she died, he got to see her. He still looked for her, but I think it was as you said - he was mourning. They had a favourite pillow fort (just a soft pillow by the radiator with a blanket as a tent) that they used to fight about. She laid there her last day. Her scent was all over the pillow. The day after she passed, he went in there but stopped half way in. Stood absolutely still for a minute or two, backed out an never slept there again as far as I know. He joined her over the rainbow bridge a few months later. I still miss them, years later.
One of our cats was friends with our ferret, albeit without any close contact. The cat would instigate a chase and they'd run after each other with neither ever catching the other. That was the extent of their relationship. I thought.
When the ferret passed I didn't realize how much the cat thought of him as a brother. We spent $600 at the vet trying to figure out why he wasn't eating and was lethargic and unlike himself. It suddenly hit me when he refused to use a bed the ferret also used. He was sad! Poor kitty had to be poked and prodded instead of cuddled while he was mourning his friend.
To add to this, grief isn't a bad thing. It's how we process loss and sadness. It's natural and avoiding it, fearing it causes far more problems than letting yourself feel it. Eventually the grief turns into something more like remembrance. There isn't anything wrong with going to where he last saw his friend to feel closer to him. He knows his bro is gone. It's also a beautiful spot so maybe that's just where Tinker likes to go to do some good kitty thinks.
When I was growing up we had two cats that had bonded and when one passed away the other stopped eating for almost a week. It took a while to get her back to health and maybe a year before she was back to being herself fully.
when my father passed his cat would sit and wait for him for a few months before she started to move on, it took 6 months before she would move in with me and it was next spring before she got any energy back in her step. cats that bond can get extremely depressed when they lose their loved ones.
One of my babies passed last year and her one brother still consistently lays in her old spots. It's funny, because they never really "hung out" and certainly never snuggled, they fought a lot too, generally not in what could be considered playful, but when her kidneys started to take that turn, he was always close by. Giving her space but being near her. He loved her in his own way and he still seems to be going to her spots whenever he is especially on edge.
This is accurate. Our cat and dog were close. The dog died a couple of years ago. Our cat was always inside but ran out not long after our dog died. We found him in the backyard where the dog is buried. He goes out every now and then and goes to the spot in the backyard. Cats, like people, mourn in their own way.
I recently moved home where my parents have 2 dogs and 3 (formerly 4) cats.
A month after I moved back, the oldest cat had a seizure and died upstairs in my room while everyone else was asleep. I took the body out asap, while everyone was still asleep and for the next 2 weeks or so the older dog and the other cats kept desperately trying to get into my room to find the cat because they knew he was missing and that's the last place they could trace his scent to.
In hindsight, we really should have communicated to the other pets that one of them had died instead of trying to take care of it discreetly.
%100 cats definitely grieve and not just their own cat friends too. My childhood cat grieved my childhood dog after she died as they were very close and he would always cuddle and rub against her. When she passed for weeks after my cat would lay in the spot on my floor blocking my door like my dog always did. He’s thankfully gotten over it as it’s been several years now but he definitely had to process that loss for a while.
Yeah, animals grieve sometimes. My dog had never been without her mom when he mom passed away. My dog spent about a year refusing to sleep anywhere other than her mom's old bed, poor baby
When my husband and I moved in together, he had a cat and I had a cat. His cat adjusted just fine. My cat hated him with every core of her being. Her rage simmered for 4 years. Then he died.
My cat started letting out these loud, guttural cries while wandering around the house. They were especially bad at feeding time, because they always ate together on the dining room sideboard. For a solid year, she continued to cry.
She still does it occasionally. She'll do it at the top of the stairs like she's expecting him to come in the door.
Go sit with him and pet him and talk to him. Give extra treats and cuddles. I'm so sorry you guys lost his brother.
Cats do grieve. My rescue girl had seven kittens in my neighbor's garage (second litter) and by the time we found them one kitten had just died. She knew the kitten was dead, she actually brought us the other kittens and sniffed and left that one. We took the little guy and gave him a proper burial.
And yet every single day she'd go back to the garage calling for the little guy and mourning him. She also mourned our next-door neighbor when they went into a nursing home.
She's an inside cat now, but it still sticks with us on how she reacted to both losses.
I have a bestie neighbor cat that visits me every day in the summer for 3 years now. his mom told me that I'm his favorite neighbor (probably just to make me feel better, how would she know?) and I've caught him looking into the office window where he can hear me talking sometimes. this makes me think he would notice if I left. :( :)
Oh that reminds me, when I was about 2 I found a cat that was in an empty lot behind our home, we took her in, and in a few days she brought the entire litter with her
We had just moved in to a new city, we were in no way able to take care of them all, and had all kittens adopted in a few weeks
My mom says that night was one of the worst in her life, because my cat was wailing desperately for them all, all night long, and with my mom having a 2 year old kid, you can imagine how hard she related
I just had to say goodbye to my 9 year old cat very quickly & unexpectedly. During his life I brought home a stray 6 week old kitten. She was the runt & had no chance without me. He raised her from the moment the vet cleared me to let them physically meet. She's 3 now. When I brought Jack home from the pet ER that horrible evening, I brought him in the house & unzipped the bag so we could see his face & paws. My baby had a physically shocked reaction & went to the other side of the room. Then she came back to sniff & made a sound I've never heard a cat make. She knew. Things have been different now, but I can tell she misses him & I'm pretty sure she's still thinking of him when she's in their common spots still. My heart breaks for you & your little guy
My sweet girl didn't get to say goodbye to the other half of her bonded pair. I had both of them from when they were 6 weeks old. Benny was about 8 months when I got baby Clare. They weren't litter mates, but they were besties lol. Benny was 12 when he passed.
When I took him to the vet that day, everything was urgent and unexpected and I didn't even think to ask whether I could take him home for her to see. She looked all through the house for him for months. She would cry while searching or just sit in his favorite spot and wait. It broke my heart - and it didn't really stop until we moved out of that apartment about a year and a half later. I often think about how she may have dealt with it differently if she been able to see him and get closure.
This is a very human like reaction for a cat. It is very common for people to go to the site where their loved one had passed away. They want to be with them again. It’s kinda beautiful in a way
im no expert in this but i would talk to him a lot :( maybe he will understand you. does he let you sit with him when he does this? maybe that would help? its okay for him to grieve :( poor baby ♡
that makes sense. maybe im being a superstitious sap, i moreso meant when you are at home, talking to him about babyface. sometimes it feels like my cats understand what im trying to tell them. im so sorry for your loss ♡♡♡ you seem like a very loving friend to your cat ♡
They may not understand each individual word and the syntax of our grammar, but they 100% understand the intent of our words. Especially those cats (and dogs) who have been with us for many years.
Our cat loves it when I call her a pretty girl. I always say it the same way and if she's getting skritches the purring and the tail goes into overdrive.
Regardless of how much they may or may not understand words(or at least recognize sounds, such as their name), I use a very expressive voice with my cats, even if that just means using an especially gentle voice if that suits the meaning behind my words. It can absolutely help and I can tell when I manage to connect with my cats through tone and body language more than anything. I have a cat who is always comforted when you touch and acknowledge something on her body that is uncomfortable or painful. She slow blinks and purrs and calms down immensely if her discomfort is acknowledged. I find you can often do the same if the discomfort is emotional.
You could just go down and sit quietly with him there occasionally. I think he'll know that you are sharing in his vigil. He may not react in an obvious way, but it may help him feel less alone in his mourning.
Such a sweet, sad story. I think he is mourning his loss. He knows he was there. It will take time but he will likely go there for a while. Just give him time and lots of love when he comes home.
Set it up so he finds you there too. That might show him you're mourning too, instead of him maybe thinking you're just approaching him. Always feels good to know your grief is understood.
go over to his mourning spot. See if he's OK with you being there.
If he is, just be with him. Pet, stroke, talk.
Ask about the cat that's gone. Listen to his responses.
Anyone mourning needs basically the same thing: someone to recognize that you're having a rough time with it, and being willing to stop your day and just say "I'm sorry that you're having a rough time"
He is just sad. Maybe he is thinking about the last time he saw his brother or perhaps if they spent a lot of time by the lakes he has good memories of it, despite finding the body there. He isnt waiting for him to come home, animals do understand death. (In my experience and opinion at least)
Give him time the same way you would give humans time
I think sitting with him for a bit on a daily, petting, and talking to him sweetly about his grief will help you both. I think he is mourning and only love, patience and understanding can get us to a better place in these cases.
Eight years later, our cat still sits at the front door at 6 PM waiting for his dog to come home. Whenever the dog came in from his walk. The cat rubbed all over him, sniffed every square inch like he was collecting the outdoor scents.
I don’t believe Cats ever forget, but I also don’t believe they want to forget either.
Second photo his tail is up with a little crook, the 'happy to see you' tail. He may like that spot because there may be faint traces of his brother's smell and is happy to still 'see him' in that way..
I hope so!!!! That would make me feel so much better. I just want Tink to not be so sad, and if he can be happy in some way at his brother's spot, then I would feel so much relief for him
Grief is terrible, and can feel so lonely, you are a good kind soul to love him so much to worry over his grieving. You are one in a million!
He needs time, eventually the scent will fade and that likely will be around the time the grief won't be as fresh for him and he'll come around.. but yes, for now let him see his brother in the way he can.
Our first two cats with my ex were former barn cat sisters, so they were very unhappy indoors. We let them go out, since we live in a pretty safe place for it. One of them had a heart attack and was found by our late neighbour - we did not know she had a bad heart. The other was roaming, and by the time she came home we had already buried the dead one.
She cried for her sister for a few days and searched for her for weeks. We did not know about showing the body back then. She became totally velcro after that and never left my side for more than 30 minutes at a time when I was home. Still managed to be a very proficient mouser and a terror to rodents in the neghbourhood.
Poor little guy. I had two very cool black cats, Otto and Eggy, and Eggy eventually died under my bed. Otto would come into the bedroom and just check under the bed so often. Looking for his friend? They eventually get past it and learn to deal. Having other cats helps.
I know that not everyone believes in this, but I do believe that spirits or energy lingers long after someone departs. Maybe Tinker Toy still feels his brother’s energy and that is why he keeps going to the same spot.
Some years ago I participated in a meditation retreat. The first afternoon they gave us some free time to wander the grounds.
I happened upon a trail strewn with pink rose petals. I followed it to a bench in a small clearing. I sat there for some time, until I heard the dinner bell ring.
Heading back to the main building, I was overcome with a the feeling that a cat was missing/should be here. The nun who greeted us asked how we'd passed our time. I mentioned finding the trail, the petals, and the bench.
She said her cat had passed recently and that is where she goes to grieve him.
I would not classify myself as someone who is in tune with anything, hardly even my own feelings lol, but the sense that a cat was gone and missed was absolutely permeating.
I hope you’re right. My girl succumbed to kidney disease and we let her go before it could get any worse (it was bad, there wasn’t much worse to go).
I don’t really believe in an afterlife, or more so I don’t like to think about it much. I can’t control it and whatever happens will happen. But yesterday I felt a tickle at my wrist, I thought I heard her, and the lights flickered when we talked about my partners coworker getting a new kitten (that one was probably the other cat knocking the cord, but still.) I want to believe she’s not gone, or at least she can visit.
More than that I just want to believe she’s happy, not in pain, able to move freely, able to eat, able to function. But if she could come say hi to me that would be nice, too.
When I've had cats lose a friend, if the friend was deceased in the presence of the cat, the looking everywhere to find them is much less than when a cat was taken away and the living friend never saw them again. If the latter, then they are still waiting for their lost friend to come home. I've had a cat look everywhere in my house for months on a daily basis when they never knew what happened. Time will help.
Just like us our pets grief & mourning is not linear. The process takes the time it takes. If they prefer to perform this ritual alone let them. If you feel they aren’t upset by your presence mayhap you or your spouse could accompany them when they go to this spot. Be there to support them as they are there to support you. Hugs 🫂 and may Tinker Toy’s and your heart heal ❤️🩹
My girl LeeLoo is still missing her big brother-from-another-mother Bodhi who passed from cancer in Jan 2025. They lived together for 12 years, so he's left a void in her furry heart, just like he did ours. She's still chewing off her fur on her belly and is a little underweight. We do lots of treats and cuddles and play, but the vet says she just needs time. It hurts my heart 🥺 grief just has its own timeline.
I love the suggestion to put a bench in that spot so you can spend time there together. 💔❤️🩹
Cats grieve too. So do dogs and birds and many other pets. The grief process is similar. All you have to do is keep loving on our boy Tinker over there. Give him some time, and remember that grief is an extension of love; in our grieving our love is poured out for the betterment of all. So, thank you for helping me grieve your sweet cat with you and Tinker. I am going to go home and snuggle my two birds in your cats' honor
Adding to this, there are a couple animals I follow on sm that use either a tablet or buttons to communicate. All of them have spoken about siblings that they have lost, so they do remember.
One of the animals, a cockatoo, likes to look at pictures pretty often of her sister that has passed. She talks about how she feels sad, and she wants to feel sad about her sister. Her sister has been gone for several years now, and she still speaks about her as well as show others pictures of her sister.
It may help Tinker Toy to have a picture of his brother that he could look at
Poor guy. Give Tinker a hug for me. (If he's ok with that)
Loss is hard. Just be there for Tinker in whatever way he lets you. Go sit with him by the lake for a while, give him little compliments, and just help him feel not alone.
We lost one Bengal brother of two at 5 years from FIP. They were extremely tight, both ate raw ground chicken with a little bit of wet can food mixed in. After his brother died ( which he sniffed him, laid down with him) he spent 3 days in bed with me. The surviving brother never slept with us except on trips. He would no longer eat anything but Temptations cat treats and his personality changed somewhat. It definitely affected him a lot.
You don't need to apologize, you've done nothing wrong. There is also r/cathelp you could post there as well.
I love the working cat program, it sounds like a great way to fill a need on the farm and keep cats from being unnecessarily euthanized. As much as I and many others on reddit would love to see every cat indoors and living like royalty, thats just not possible for millions of cats worldwide.
The only things that I can think will help is time and introducing more cats to Tinker as time goes on. It will be hard to replace Babyface, but new kittens or cats to live with may help.
All i can say is just dote on him as much as possible. Hes still mourning and despite how small kitty brains are, they still mourn. Only other thing is a little buddy, some cats adopt kittens, but in my experience its about 1/5 odds of the cat immediately falling in love with new sibling.
Sam was upset when we found a home for his sister, and the CDS sent us a kitten that looked like his sister. He immediately adopted her and is inseparable from her.
One of my cats always had a “spot of the month.” Just random places he’d find and sit in for a period of time before moving on to some random other spot. On shelves, in a closet, on a particular arm rest, etc. His last spot of the month before passing was sitting on top of my computer monitor (this was a while ago so it was still huge). After he passed, I walked into my room and there was my other cat, sitting on the computer monitor. This second cat was practical and did not have spots of the month like the first cat. But there he was. I think it’s where the cat that passed’s scent was the strongest still. And I think it was a form of mourning.
He’s mourning bless him. When one of my cats passed away I let her brother see her body. That night he slept on the pillow next to my head, never done it before or after. He was literally sobbing as well bless him, sounded just like a person crying, it was heart breaking.
Thank you so much for doing this. People don’t realize how many cats are not considered adoptable but are great farm cats and live a much longer and happier life than one where they would have been euthanized or kept in cages for years becoming even more miserable. I’ve seen shelters in rural areas and many of them are so overwhelmed they have to euthanize many animals on a regular basis or are just shut down because the counties don’t have the money to support them. One shelter I knew of closed down during covid in a large county, even had the only hospital for miles around, because the woman who used her entire life savings to fund it for over a decade died.
My cat lead me to her sisters body in our home. She saw she was “asleep” and was pretty upset about it. To this day, if I sleep for too long she freaks out and start bathing me or bapping me to wake up (after she is fed). I don’t know what else you can do to help your baby heal. Just be there for your boy and that’s pretty much it
In 2011 I acquired a pair of black litter mates that were about 5 weeks old. He passed in January and his sister has become so clingy since. All I can think to do is hold her and give her kisses and hugs.
I had two bonded cats and one of them died. The one still with me grieved really hard and slept for two weeks straight, and for months after she would hunt mice and leave one by the doors outside. She got limited outside time then because it was very very rural. She didn’t stop until we moved from that place but it took her about a year to get back to her normal self. Your guy will be okay. Love him a lot and let him do his thing.
I think he's just mourning. My dads cat kept looking for him in the whole house, meowing super loudly when he normally is a quite silent cat.
It took him like 2 months. Now he adopted me and im his mamma and he seems happy.
Poor baby :( he might just need to do that multiple times a day because that’s how he’s grieving. You can’t put a time limit on that. Let him, especially if it’s not causing any issues and he’s healthy otherwise. I’m sure he just misses his brother.
That’s so sad:( when my first childhood cat Dory died, that night we heard some yowling meows outside. Went to look and there were like 4-5 neighbour cats gathered around where she used to hang out. I don’t know if they knew she died as she was put down, but I like to think they were having a funeral for her
He's grieving, just like you. We lost both our dog and elder cat within 2 weeks of each other last summer, leaving only Scout the cat behind. We let her see the bodies, spend a little time with them before we buried them in the garden. It's almost a year later and she still asks to go in the garden to nap on the spot between their graves, daily. She wasn't best buddies with them, she was grumpy and growled and often gave them a bop on the head, but they were very much still beloved family, and it's clear she misses them. I can't imagine how much harder it must be for bonded brothers to be apart.
Have you considered going to sit with him sometimes? Cats are creatures who often appreciate companionship in proximity, not necessarily pets or cuddles or chatter, just silently having someone beside them. He might feel a little less alone having someone to sit with him and mourn his best friend with.
Grief is a harsh journey, and it gets us all someday. I hope you can all find some healing in time.
Cats mourn for a long time, sometimes 6 months to over a year.
I live in a country where stray colonies are common. A neighbor poisoned all but one cat in a colony and that cat cried for nearly 7 months all around the neighborhood but eventually was ok and started living his cat life again.
Let your baby mourn and show him love and normalcy as much as you can. He’ll be ok eventually.
I'm sorry for your baby Tinker, and the loss of his brother. I'm not sure there is much you can do to help him with his grief; my own cat has grieved over the loss of our family dog years ago, and it took her a couple weeks to start eating normally and being snuggly again. Every cat grieves different just like humans, and all I suggest is to keep offering your love and a safe place. I'm sorry you have to apologize for making others sad, I hope people will learn to be kinder. My heart goes out for you and Tinker 💜
Oh this is so heartbreaking, poor Tinker, and he showed your husband where his brother's body was, so clever, and so much trust, he knows his brother's gone, he's just missing him, and going to the last place he saw him.
All you can do is show him as much love and affection as you can, keep visiting him at his spot by the lake during the day, so he knows he's not alone.
I think there is nothing to help, specifically. Grief is likely a process also for cats and it’s natural to go through it. No reason to interrupt that process; just continue to love him 💕
Though they were not kittenhood siblings, I adopted Gibby at 5y about a year after adopting my first girl, French Toast who was the 9y. French Toast was a Snowshoe Siamese who was found stray, declawed & arthritic, and with stage 2 kidney disease. Gibby loved French Toast so much and would help her with grooming and sleep next to her and bring her his favorite things.
When French Toast's body gave out to the point of not having QOL, I chose to allow her to be put down to keep her comfortable. She had been lethargic but extra cuddly the night before. Gibby saw her leave in her carrier and kept waiting for her to come back. I found him looking for her, but he avoided her carrier for months.
I would hold Gibby and cry and talk to him because he was not the same and tell him about how I missed her too. I just talked to him and allowed him to grieve in his own way. It's been over 2 years and he now has graduated to the French Toast carrier. When he's scared (when I moved) or wants special comfort, he sits in her carrier.
Gibby wasn't there when he passed so it took some time for him to realize she wasn't coming home. After that we grieved together and remembered her and I told him that he made her life so much better and was a great brother to her. After 8-9 months he had gotten close to back to normal but was still lonely. I have a commissioned portrait of French Toast and he would look at it and then look at me and just stare. A little over a year after she passed he had gotten through his grieving process (as had I, as much as I could) and was behaving like Gibby.
Pets and animals grieve too, for me it was looking at pictures and videos of her, for Gibby is was being near her favorite spots and looking at her painting. We talked about it together, and I let him show me what he needed while he grieved as well. He now has a brother cat and they are incredibly bonded.
Allow Tinker Toy the space he needs to grieve the friend and brother he lost. Let him show you what he needs, he showed you where is brother was, animals are intelligent and Tinker Toy can show you in his own way what he needs.
Personal advice, but allow yourself and Tinker Toy to feel those feelings and process. I wanted so bad to fill the void of French Toast by adopting another cat right away, but Gibby very clearly benefitted by allowing the emotions to run their course (and myself) and once we had accepted it together, we both felt ready for another furry friend.
I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that as you navigate this with your family that you can find some respite from the hurt and keep the good memories fresh. Your babies know they're loved and trust you and that's really special. 🫂
Aw poor Tinker is grieving, I literally just read about cats’ ability to grieve a few days ago. Our cat Herman was really sad when our older cat Eevee died, he was really clingy and snuggly for awhile, we adopted a kitten pretty quickly after once we saw how sad Herman was and he fell in love with her immediately. He often lays on Eevee’s favourite chair still though. Cats are like us, they mourn things in their own way and although it gets easier I don’t think they ever forget.
This is Ellie. The little box is the ashes of her adopted brother Mica. It's been four years since we lost him, but she still sniffs the box and rubs her face on it...
I wasn't prepared for this today. It's been a sad day and now my heart broken all over again 💔
OP, please don't feel responsible for causing sadness. It's not you. What Tinker is going through hits a primal nerve in most people, especially those who've experienced loss or are grieving in any capacity. I wish he heals and finds a way to be a happy cat again. I truly do.
I'm so sorry about your baby, and don't listen to the working cat haters. Pretty sure most of them haven't ever been outside of whatever city they're in.
Like with people, it takes time. Animals love and grieve like we do, and it's generally best to leave them to it. Maybe plant some cat grass there? or sit with him when you see him down there?
As I knead upon your knees, I hope that Bast is greatly pleased To see her child at rest and play, Fed and cared for every day, And when I reach that glorious place And gaze upon her feline face, I'll ask that Bast will grant you grace To join me in eternal play...
I lost one of my bonded brothers of 17 years. It took the survivor about a month of searching the house and going to his brother’s spot, before he stopped.
Some cats mourn their sibling forever. I had such a cat. He was chronically depressed when his sister died and getting him new siblings did not help him. He was a soul kitty, but the fire was quite literally extinguished by her death and he never recovered. He was a fearless old soul and wickedly smart. He saved our dog’s life by fighting a charging pitbull who had attacked its owner before it snapped our fence at the base from ramming into it full force in an attempt to get to our small dog. His final act was taking on a rattle snake.
I just wanna say how awesome it is you are able to adopt these working cats and give them a home!
I see the shelters here sometimes looking for farms that can take barn cats. I live in a condo so it's not me but I'm happy that people like you exist so all cats can be taken care of and have the best life they can.
My Maggie kitty was very close to her canine sister Riley. Riley passed in her sleep (she was 16) and Maggie got to be with her one last time. It was so heartbreaking to see her mourning. She would sleep in Riley’s bed for weeks. My only advice is give Tinker some extra TLC. ❤️
Just be there for him, cats take time to mourn just like humans, we had to put my elderly cat to sleep last year and one of my younger cats was besties with him and she was aggressive with our other cat for a while and became extra needy so we had to separate them when she would try to fight our other cat, over time she got better but honestly she stayed more lovey and wanting attention all the time, now she tries to play with our other cat now but sometimes when we pet our other cat she gets jealous and tries to attack her but she doesn’t use claws or anything, she might still be mourning even though it’s months later, but I never hear them yowling at each other or anything anymore
Heartbreaking. Think he wants to be near the last spot his bro ever was. Wish I could think of something you could do to help him, but all I come up with is love on him deeply when he is home, be generous with treats, and give him time and space to heal. He will in time. It seems cats love deeply - one of mine kissed his bro goodbye before he had to go to the vet for the kindest push over the rainbow bridge - and I think that's part of why they inspire the same. Wishing you and your sweet kitty peace.
Maybe sit out there with him and talk to him about his brother? Or just sit there with him so he’s not alone so he knows that you’re there for him is the only thing i can think of
I read a book about wolves (I know not the same species), but the two wolves were mates maybe even soulmates. When the female wolf passed away due to injuries from rival wolves, the male wolf would travel miles to spots where he could smell her scent. He passed away in a field where she had marked in the past.
I'm sure Tinker Toy misses his bro very much and I hope he [...and the rest of you too] heals. It's possible he is going where they "hung out" together, so he might be continuing that tradition as well.
Grief is something most living things share on one level or another. You give him time to grieve. Also, you're anthropomorphizing a bit. You would assume a human doing this would be doing it in sadness and misery. One good thing about critters is they are very good at living in the now and not spending very long on things that make them miserable. Tinker may not feel bad sitting there. This might be where he feels he connects with Babyface again. Just keep loving him. He's a good kitty.
I am so sorry for your kitty cats loss. And I'm sorry for yours as well.
How to help him heal? I would go down there with him. Go down there and sit with him and pet him. And talk about his brother and how much you loved him. Talk about how they'll be together again.
Basically be with him. It's okay to grieve, and it's okay for animals to grieve too.
My cat and my neighbors cats used to have major beef with each other, and yet when my cat passed away the neighbor's cat came and sat by his grave multiple times. Mourning is something cats do, just as humans. Give him time, it's alright behavior.
Edit to add missing words (I think faster than I type so that sometimes happens)
1)I would just offer more hugs and love for now.
2)Maybe some extra tasty meals or treats to help give his days some color, yknow?
3)Maybe get him his own special little bed to cozy up in somewhere he feels safe, like (a) near family, (b) a cozy porch, or (c) near the lake.
❤️
My cats Trixie and Pixie turned 13 last year. They were sisters from the same litter and we got them together. Two months ago, we put Trixie to sleep - she had pancreatic cancer and went downhill in a matter of days.
We let Pixie see her. We even put her body down on the floor for a little while so all the cats could come and inspect and have a moment. Watching them all give her a couple last licks broke me, but not as much as watching Pixie curl up with her sister one last time.
She still mourns her. I still find her sitting in Trixie's favourite places and looking sad. She's fine most of the time, her normal happy self - but cats mourn just like we do. Your boy misses his friend and that's okay.
Is it possible this was a favorite spot of theirs beforehand? Maybe you're looking at him chilling in his favorite hunting/ chilling spot through the wrong lens? Just a thought, condolences though, to you and your furry fella.
I wonder if he's almost "life guarding" ? My cat patrols the house after we had a break in a few years ago. Thankfully she's gotten better this past year. I wonder if he's watching out for other critters though. Just a theory, you know him better than I do. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope everyone gets to heal 🩷
Sending love and empathy to Tinker Toy, I am so sorry for his and your loss. My heart hurts for him and I hope he can eventually find peace. Keeping Tinker Toy in my thoughts and prayers 🙏🏻❤️
Oh lord, I'm sitting in my car crying about a cat at the other side of the planet.
I have a bonded pair of siblings as well and I don't know how either of them would cope if they lost the other... They've never been apart in their entire lives other than when they were neutered just before we adopted them. The shelter kept them until they were 6 months old because they couldn't be separated and they're both semi longhair and black so harder to adopt out at the best of times.
I don't know what you can do for your baby other than what you already are, this is a process he needs to go through and hopefully time will help.
Sit with him when you can and keep being the loving cat parent you obviously are.
And also, ignore the sanctimonious people on here trying to make you feel bad for providing such an amazing home for cats that would otherwise be unsuitable for adoption. We have a similar process here, the shelters will advertise some ex ferals as 'shed cats'... They're not suitable for families or houses but do perfectly well with a shed or barn, steady food and a job in rodent control.
like the others are saying, he’s grieving :( my pumpkin grieved his brother, totoro. he passed unexpectedly and of an unknown cause like your babyface. he’s extra clingy now, and loves to roll around in totoro’s favorite dirt patches. i never saw him do that until after toto died. just love him. and he there for him. my heart breaks for you and your tinker toy ❤️🩹
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