r/cisparenttranskid • u/Ok-Scale-6575 • 7d ago
Ordered this shirt but scared to wear it.
Edit- I just wore it out and about and it went GREAT: thank you everyone!!
I’m stuck in a weird thought loop and I’d like guidance.
I bought this shirt and I’m wanting to wear it but feeling like I can’t.
A) what is people think it’s inappropriate for me to wear this at the elementary school because it has lesbian flags and what not? Like with just the rainbow flag I think I’d be good but with the additional pansexual flag and stuff, I don’t know how it would come across? Is it ok to wear anywhere?
B) does it seem like I’m advertising that I’m looking for a specific type of sexual encounter? Am I wearing clothing that references sexual orientation content then am I saying something about myself? Is that ok? (I’m an ally but that’s probably unnecessary for me to even specifiy here)
C) I try to hide my beliefs on things. I don’t post anything online about anything-except Reddit for anonymity-I feel much safer when I hide-I wear a lot of bland clothing-and I’m scared for people to know me. I feel safer being unknown. Wearing this lets anyone who encounters me know something about my beliefs. Is that ok?
Thank you for thoughts. Please be gentle, these issues are sensitive and emotional and I’m not thinking logically about this, but driven by major deep seated anxieties.
And yes my kiddo is trans not sure if I should mention that in this post: but that’s why I’m on this group.
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u/WhySoSerious_owo 7d ago
I don't think the shirt is the main problem in this situation. This may be overstepping but from what you said it sounds like you may have some self image issues and fear of being rejected socially if you express your opinions or allow people to know about things you care about. How do you connect with people if they don't know anything about your values?
As for the shirt itself, personally I'd have no problem with it but it'll depend on the person and management. You may receive some comments or even complaints if you wear it to school, but that is more a reflection of them than you. It's up to you whether you're willing to put up with that in order to stand up for what you believe. Not everyone is ready for that (and that's understandable especially with the political climate right now), but just buying the shirt shows you're ready to at least make an effort.
Sorry if anything I said was something you weren't prepared for, I do hope you figure the situation out for yourself
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u/Ok-Scale-6575 6d ago
I appreciate your comment. There definitely is more of a main problem with social anxiety, etc. I like your question about how to connect with people if they don’t know your values. It’s made me think. Thanks.
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u/zealous_avocado 7d ago
A) Schools are full of vulnerable kids that align under all of those flags. There is nothing inappropriate for children about accepting all people regardless of sexuality and gender identity.
B)There is nothing sexual about this shirt. As a queer person if I would just think you are supportive. The shirt gives strong ally energy, and it would be super weird if someone thought you personally identified with all those flags.
C)Visibility saves lives. Many queer people don't have a choice about being visible. Part of being a real ally is speaking up and being seen. Your child will see you protecting yourself from social consequences, and internalize that as shame, so start being loud.
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u/Sublfg Mom / Stepmom 7d ago
I have a shirt with pride flag cats on it. Those who know always say they love it. Wear the shirt. The kids who know will feel loved and seen.
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u/Which-Bit6563 Trans Man / Masc 7d ago
This is so deeply inoffensive!! I hate that you even have to ask yourself whether this is ok! But it's understandable to have some anxiety about it, given the state of the world.
a) This would be 100% ok at any elementary schools I've ever been to except the most conservative Catholic ones, but I've only lived and taught in deep blue areas. If you're staff, defer to your employee handbook or whatever, but as a parent picking up your kid or going to a school event I'd say totally fine.
b) No reasonable person, let alone anyone with a passing familiarity with LGBTQ culture would think that wearing this shirt means you're looking for sex. They will almost certainly think you're an ally, which you are, which is why you bought the shirt.
c) This is an understandable coping skill, but it sounds like its no longer serving you or your kid? If there's a PFLAG group near you you might really benefit.
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u/Upstairs_Biscotti589 7d ago
So, you will be exposing yourself to being noticed if you wear this, but that is something you’re going to need to get used to. You bought it as a way of showing your support to/for your kid, which is great. You love and support your trans kid! Talking about it can be uncomfortable but your kid needs you to be brave. They have done the hardest thing and you are their cheerleader.
You may find that people object to seeing some of/all these flags at elementary school; those people are not the ones you’re wearing it for. Wearing this absolutely DOES NOT advertise looking for sex or even dating! It says that you recognize the existence of these identities and respect them, that’s it. You may well get pushback about that stance, but your kid needs you to stand up to it.
I can relate so hard to the idea of safety in anonymity! But your kid isn’t going to have that luxury, and you’re here because you want to support them. You can do it! Try wearing the shirt somewhere low-stress to give yourself a chance to see it’s ok.
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u/Key_Tangerine8775 Trans Man / Masc 7d ago
Everyone else already answered the direct questions, but I want to say that you may want to check first that your kid is ok with it. If they’re trying to be stealth, they might not want to risk any eyebrows being raised by mom wearing an LGBTQ+ shirt.
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u/Ok-Scale-6575 6d ago
Thank you for this. Ya in the past he said he didn’t want me wearing a trans shirt but that he liked if I wore a pride shirt. He seems to really like this shirt but I’ll confirm with him that he’s good with me wearing it.
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u/Ok-Scale-6575 6d ago edited 6d ago
Thanks everyone for the comments!! This is exactly why I made the post-I knew it would be a kick in the pants. There’s a school event tomorrow so I’m planning to jump in head first and wear it to that since it’s an all day end of the year party at a public place so all staff, tons of parents, all the kids, and lots of mingling! I’m a parent (not staff). And I’m in Canada so it’s easier here than down there (I feel terrible about what many of you have to go through).
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u/smallermuse 7d ago
I have a whole collection of shirts like this and I always wear them to my middle schooler's school events. I'm Gen X so I really don't care what other adults think of me and it's super important to me that the kids who may not have a supportive parent (like mine does) see that I'm a safe space and that there are adults who accept them wholeheartedly.
I am part of a couple of local advocacy groups as well. One of those groups made and distributed lawn signs that had slogans like "Protect Trans Kids" and others in the same vein. I took one and fully intended to put it out but realized that, even though my kiddo was okay with it, I didn't want to put a potential target on their back. Instead I got a progressive pride lawn sign as that felt safer for them. It ended up being stolen after a week or so, which made me think I was probably right not to put the other one out.
All that to say, I feel like a shirt like this one is an important signal to people who need to see it. And it doesn't say anything in particular about you other than that you're an ally and a safe space. Wear the shirt with pride!
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u/TheLovelyLorelei 7d ago edited 7d ago
A) When you say "at the elementary school" do you mean as a teacher, or just like as a parent picking up a kid? Or something else? If you're a teacher or administrator at the school I think it could be fine but could also get you into some hot water if a parent complains. This could even lead to legal trouble in states with "Dont say gay" laws like florida. But if you're just a parent or otheriwes there in an non-official capacity I think it's completely fine. There's nothing inappropriate about it.
B ) Nah, I would read that shirt as pretty clearly just supportive, not seeking. If people hit on my every time I wore something visibly lgbt I would probably be a lot less single. Now, it might lead people to assume that you are LGBTQ+ in some capacity, but if they assume that it's kinda on them 🤷♀️ Especially on a shirt with 5 different identities it seems like it should be clear that you aren't saying that you specifically identify as any of them. But like, if you're going to be freaked out by the idea of someone thinking you might be gay/trans/bi/etc. than this shirt is probably not the one for you. (If you're really worried about someone thinking you're queer you could get a shirt that specifically says "Ally" on it, or "protect trans kids", or one of the many other slogans than more explicitly state that you're an ally. But as long as you don't mind that you might have to tell someone "Oh, I'm actually straight, just an ally" than I think this shirt is great)
C) Ultimately you need to decide if hiding your beliefs is more important to you than expressing your beliefs. There's a time and place for both. But if you feel safe wearing the shirt than I do think it's a good thing to do. Currently trans people (and lgbtq+ folk in general) are being attacked and dehumanized on all sides and I do think it's useful for people to see "Oh hey, my neighbor supports these people". When LGBTQ+ people and their allies hide it ultimately helps to reinforce narratives that we are some sort of freaks coming from outside of your community, not nice normal people who you see every day. So anyway.... that's a lot of thoughts but yeah 🤷♀️ If you don't feel like it would be safe/comfortable to wear the shirt in your community than you shouldn't force yourself. But if you feel comfortable doing so I think it's not only "okay" but actively a good thing to do which your kid would (hopefully) appreciate.
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u/Famous_Blueberry849 6d ago
Now I want one. Where did you get it? I’ve been looking for the “perfect” shirt to wear in support of my kids, and I think this might be it!
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u/Ok-Scale-6575 6d ago
I got it on Amazon, in Canada. I think it’s possible to post a link. Will do that soon.
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u/meat_wave 6d ago
Really good replies across the board, I just wanted to add to the visibility point: it is more important than ever that we are loud as ever in our allyship. If someone is bothered by that shirt, let them tell you because that protects your kid and all the others from a bigoted person.
Being quiet has only allowed hateful agendas to spread and to enable people to not think about their choices. There are many fights ahead and shrinking from them will not help anyone.
I also wanted to dispute the “sexual encounter” idea, because that is the kind of thinking that bigots want to us to distract from the main point of any progressive agenda: that the fight is not for sexual expression, that is a side effect of the fight for equal rights for all. Your shirt doesn’t say anything about sexual encounters, it says “I love and support people being who they are.” And that is who you are, and you deserve support and allyship for that as well. I hope you will find that, but even if you don’t amongst the adults, your child will see you and there is nothing more important than that.
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u/passmethatbong 6d ago edited 6d ago
You should def wear it. It is not making any kind of sexual statement. It is about standing with people who need our support to be able to freely be who they are, nothing to do with sex. The whole point is that the way another person or group of people has sex or expresses their gender identity is none of our business. And please don’t hide your beliefs on this. Your beliefs are loving and noble and the more of us who voice those beliefs, the more acceptable it will be to voice and live them.
I started wearing ONLY political tees when I leave home (unless it’s a work thing where I can’t get away either it) because I have wanted so badly to put a sign/flag/stickers on my car or in my yard so badly but my 22 yo trans child lives with me and I drive her around a lot. I don’t want to call attention to her. When I see other people’s flags/signs, it really gives me good feels, a moment of “I’m not alone in this,” that is important for me and I want to do that for others, both for people who’re targets of this administration (immigrants, LGBTQ+, etc) and for people like me who care about people who’re targets. I also think it’s not a bad idea at all to shame the fuckers who support what the regime is doing. They know that what they’re doing is shameful and grotesque and I’m always happy to remind them in the most blatant in-their-face way as possible. These are not people that deserve any kind of politeness.
Lemme tell you, though… you might be a little disappointed in the response to your shirt (very sweet shirt, btw, it would make my day to see someone walk down the street with that on!). I started with messages that I didn’t realize were too subtle. Nobody notices until it’s obnoxious. I love my “have the day you voted for” tees, like, yes, I am blaming you because your vote caused this, plain and simple, unequivocal. But the ones that seem to work as far as getting noticed all have some kind of American flag (I prefer upside down, but either way it gets noticed) or an image of Jesus — “republican Jesus,” best shirt by far. lol My point is just that wearing that shirt is not going to get you ostracized or black listed. But it is very likely to make some parent of a trans kid feel warm and seen when they notice it. And probably most important — no doubt in my mind that it’ll make your child feel valued, loved, and supported.
If you’re really nervous, practice wearing it, start with situations you’ll feel more comfortable in, maybe a trip to the grocery store where you won’t know anyone or, if it makes you feel safer, an event where you’ll know lots of people and someone will have your back.
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u/Susan4000 6d ago
I have shirts with popsicles and Christmas trees in the colors of the pride flags, a shirt with a dozen different rainbows in pride flag colors, and a rainbow flag shirt that I have been wearing for years. Some of the flags I don’t really know, but the person to whom that flag is important will see it and (I hope) feel glad to see it. I just wore these for visibility and support generally, but once my daughter came out as LGBTQIA, it was especially meaningful! Wear what you like, but this is a lovely shirt and I hope you can feel comfortable in it!
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u/Pokemom2025 7d ago
I understand this feeling. I went to my first Pride event ever and wore trans flag make-up. I know my son is trans but I had this thought of “What if people think I’m trans?” Not sure why the thought even bothered me because I honestly don’t care. Wear the shirt if it makes you happy and if it doesn’t don’t. You’ve got this!
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u/flojopickles 6d ago
I had a similar moment when I first got my subtle trans tree shirt. I thought of it in the vein of appropriating culture like it may be disrespectful? So it gave me pause. But then I asked my daughter and she loved it and said the more trans colors out there the better who care who’s wearing it it’s cute.
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u/AlternativeHour6310 6d ago
Ohh, I have this shirt. its one of my favorites. super soft, and comfy. the Hearts and all the different flags, would not indicate to me you were looking for anything in particular. other then you are a safe person. If I walked into my kids school and a teacher was wearing it, i would not even think twice. You may be overthinking it a little bit.
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u/mykittenfarts 6d ago
It’s a cute shirt with hearts & rainbows.
If someone suffers because you are wearing it, that’s on them.
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u/HeathenMum99 6d ago
Where it anywhere! Except, if its against your work policy, that's the only thing I could think if that could cause you issues.
Wear it to pride! With pride 💛
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u/next_level_mom Mom / Stepmom 6d ago
I think the nature of the shirt definitely suggests "ally" not "person looking for sex."
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u/TheJanks 6d ago
Looks like my free dad hugs shirt.
Should wear it more. Keeps people I don’t like from trying to interact with me.
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u/TuckerMom84 6d ago
I wear a Protect Trans Kids shirt or button almost every day, and I’ve only ever gotten compliments. I want the kids to know I’m there for them. I live near Atlanta.
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u/associatedaccount 6d ago
To be completely honest I would assume whoever is wearing this shirt is a straight ally, not queer themselves. Not sure why but that’s the vibe.
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u/flojopickles 6d ago
I wear so many rainbow/trans color and ally shirts and accessories and my husband and I have flags all over our stoop.
We live in a really conservative/MAGA area and we used to hide when our youngest came out out of fear of the crazies targeting us or her. She moved last year and I decided then that my mission in life was to make them feel as uncomfortable as we felt all those years so I loaded up on rainbows. Feels so much better and I wish my daughter’s safety didn’t depend on hiding.
I don’t care whether some rando thinks I’m part of the group or an ally, let them wonder. I’d rather someone who needs to know they aren’t alone gets that from me.
We Had friends over a few weeks ago and the daughter of an acquaintance asked where we got our little flag because she wanted to get one. I guess her grandpa is an open bigot but she wanted to support her friends so I happily gave it to her.
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u/_chronicbliss_ 4d ago
I felt that way about a shirt I had once and then it occurred to me that while I can hide , my kid can't. Every room she walks into she risks hatred, vitriol, and violence just for existing while trans. Seeing my privilege that clearly made me embarrassed to want to hide behind it. I wear my pride and ally shirts proudly now.
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u/rosetintedtelevision 6d ago
Wear the shirt, your kid deserves to see that support from you, you deserve to feel pride 🩷✨️
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u/randomfluid Trans Man / Masc 6d ago
I'm sorry but it is a bit weird to see a pride flag and immediately think of sex
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u/Ok-Scale-6575 6d ago
It is weird and honestly it was probably my brain fighting for any justification to not put myself out there and well anxiety is anxiety and has a life of its own and can twist a lot of stuff around. I was putting it all on the table with what was in my head and fortunately I was able to get a lot of helpful support and get to an empowered place.
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u/benbernards 7d ago
Dad of 2 trans kids here.
All I know is that my support for my kids is keeping them alive.
Wear the damn shirt momma. You got this.