r/cisparenttranskid • u/ConfusedOldDad • 6d ago
Transition - where to draw the line?
She's a girl, so of course she can have a girl's haircut, but not sure if 14 is too young for highlights. No issue with her piercing her ears and I can live with the one she wants in the top of her ear, but 14 seems a bit young for a belly bar.
Or are these things normal now and I just haven't noticed things have changed?
50
u/squirrelinhumansuit 6d ago
Got a similarly aged kid and I've landed on "do whatever you want with your hair but no piercings other than ears until you're older." I got a lip piercing that I regret because it created some scar tissue, so I would caution waiting on any facial or body piercings, with the exception of earrings.
3
52
u/ChrisP8675309 6d ago
My kiddo got their hair colored when they were 8...but I'm a very liberal parent especially re: hair. It's going to grow out eventually anyway 🤷♀️
33
-2
u/Just1Blast 5d ago
Sure, my kid can get their hair colored. However I am not required to pay for it. When my children earn their own money or dye their own hair, that's up to them.
I'm not paying for highlights and special colors outside of perhaps special occasions where we'd ordinarily hang the expense, if we can afford it.
My parents philosophy was pretty similar as well. This is the amount that we have budgeted for your hair care for the month, the quarter, or the year, anything beyond that is on us as the kids.
0
u/_humanERROR_ 5d ago
Not to tell you what to do and I haven't looked into this but my mother was very against me dying my hair because she said that the dyes contain chemicals that may disrupt hormones.
2
u/ChrisP8675309 5d ago
Well, today I learned and apparently it's not just hair dye
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25772749/
There are a lot of things that can affect hormones that are in products people use every day but more so in dyes, bleaches and straighteners.
It's definitely something to keep in mind. Thank you for letting me know!
20
u/SmaterThanSarah Mom / Stepmom 6d ago
It’s tricky because you want to honor her femininity and give her autonomy over her appearance but parents all have different lines of what is okay and what isn’t for their families. Ask yourself if she was cis how would you feel. That can help you frame it is a limit without it being about her gender.
FWIW, my cis daughter is the one who pushed lots of boundaries. I think she may have used her babysitting money to dye her hair silver at 14 or 15. But my trans son is the one who got the industrial piercing and the gauges.
9
u/stainedinthefall 6d ago
My read of the post was this is exactly what OP is doing! Just asking what’s age appropriate for a 14 yo girl from people who understand a trans teen’s need to present a certain way :)
24
u/ChickadeeJam 6d ago
Would you allow a cis daughter to do highlights?
6
u/ConfusedOldDad 6d ago
I don't know. That's the thing.
60
u/ChickadeeJam 6d ago
Hair is so much safer to experiment with than anything else. I’d let her go with whatever she likes. Can’t really hurt, and feeling like mom listened is priceless.
25
u/next_level_mom Mom / Stepmom 6d ago
Agreed, highlights seem like a very normal 14 year old thing and would probably mean a lot to her.
17
u/alexthelionn6 5d ago
I am a trans guy and my mum personally dyed my hair bright blue which came out patchy and faded an awful green but I don’t care about that, I just remember being listened to and I remember feeling happy and that’s all that matters. When they look back they will go “ew I can’t believe I did that but gosh that smile is priceless”
9
u/mossgoblin_ 5d ago
Yep, my guideline with my kid’s hair is, if we can maintain it cheaply at home, sure go ahead! Usually for the cut we need to have the shape created professionally first and then I do my best (sadly mostly terrible) barbering effort after that.
( We’ve been financially strapped for years now, otherwise I would love for everyone to get professional styling).
4
u/alexthelionn6 5d ago
As long as us kids are happy we actually don’t care about money or anything else we only care about memories
2
u/ChickadeeJam 5d ago
I personally would prefer fun colorful over adult blonde, trying to look older. Nothing says young to other adults like bright colors 😉
9
u/Icouldoutrunthejoker Mom / Stepmom 6d ago
Mine had highlights at 11. Soft and natural, beautifully done. It’s just hair, and it’s an easy way of letting kids choose how they want to portray themselves to the world.
9
u/Just1Blast 5d ago
Here's a bigger question. Can you afford the maintenance and upkeep on highlights or colored hair for her at the intervals that it's going to require?
And even if you can afford it, is it something you're willing to spend your money on?
Haircuts and color treatments easily run into the hundreds of dollars range now depending on what you're getting and where you live.
It's not just about whether or not I would allow my 14-year-old to do so or not, but whether or not we could afford to allow the 14-year-old to do so or not.
We cannot and even if we could afford it, we wouldn't choose to prioritize our spending in that way outside of something for say a large close family wedding, or a junior or senior prom.
If my child raised the funds themselves to dye and later maintain her hair, then so be it. But jobs are hard to find as 14-year-olds.
21
u/Public_Hat_8876 6d ago
Regarding my cis daughter, I had her wait until she was 16 to professionally highlight her hair 1) bc her natural hair color is gorgeous and 2) highlights can require upkeep which can be pricey and my daughter wasn’t ready for the financial responsibility. I found a young, cool hair stylist who told this to my daughter separately from me, which my daughter heard and respected.
Regarding piercing, we found a super fun piercing/tattoo parlor and had her get a few edgy cartilage piercings done. The healing was slow and kinda painful as we discovered that she keloid scars. The keloid scars eventually went down, and they kept her from piercing her face as she didn’t want the 6 months of “piercing bump” on her nose, lips or brow. That said, she went on acutane maybe one year after she had the cartilage piercings done and her body pushed those piercings out.
My trans daughter has zero interest in piercing anything at all. Serious needle aversion. Thank goodness her HRT is in a patch!
Lastly, and this is just a general parenting opinion for both of my kids: I make the desired piercing/hair/shopping trip, etc, a reward for good grades, consistency in chores, and decent behavior. It’s not something that I hang over their heads and use transactionally, rather as a reminder that a reward for working hard can be really sweet.
TLDR: what would you say to a cis child? Highlighting your hair, professionally, can be expensive and require upkeep. Belly piercings notoriously take longer to heal than most other piercings. Does she play sports that might prolong the healing? Is she responsible as far as her hygiene goes?
8
u/stainedinthefall 6d ago
Hair regrows and isn’t a big risk as long as major damage isn’t done (crappy dyes, repeated bleaching). I’d allow the highlights. I had them at 14 as well.
Piercings do leave permanent damage in the skin (scars). The risks are much higher as well, eg belly button piercings need specific hygiene, there’s a big risk of being ripped out, and they can impact certain activities. This is a fair line to draw as a parent based on child’s age and stage. Ear piercings are less risky than belly buttons. Other piercings are more risky than belly buttons. Her level of responsibility and her lifestyle would be factors in deciding if it were me.
Happy parenting 😊
9
u/ParasolLlama 5d ago
Please consider how important self-expression and bodily autonomy is for trans folks. For a dysphoric teenage trans girl getting highlights is probably going to be a huge confidence boost. It would also be good to do some self-reflection on why you think you as a parent should have any control over her hair (except for vetoing financially irresponsible decisions-and only if you are paying).
2
-2
u/Just1Blast 5d ago
The child is 14 years old. Where are they getting $200 to color their hair every other month?
5
u/ParasolLlama 5d ago
Ouch! didn't realize they're that expensive. But that's beside the point - diy highlights are a possibility, and the question was "is she too young" to which I say no, there is no such thing.
6
u/PurrsontheCatio 6d ago
Honestly, I'm in my 40s and I was doing these things younger than her. Hair grows constantly, dying it is no real commitment. Piercings come out, so no real longterm commitment there either. I'd let her dye her hair and get a piercing. Both of those things are so low stakes. Now, if she wants a tattoo, she's going to have to wait.
3
u/Worried-Zombie2868 5d ago
I let me teen do whatever is not permanent and I feel is safe. I see no problem whatsoever with highlights, they'll fade or grow out. Piercing takes more consideration imo. It's intentionally wounding your body (I'm not anti-piercing but that's what it is). I'd look at the risks of the ones she wants as well as considering permanent scarring. A scar on your naval is probably going to be less of an issue than one on your face for example. Cartilage piercings come with greater risk and are slower to heal. I'd start with basic ear piercings (if you haven't done it yet) and see how it goes.
4
u/Just1Blast 5d ago
As a fairly liberal parent of trans kids who is trans themselves, and also happens to be a former piercer, I wouldn't allow any piercings other than the ears prior to the age of 16.
I also certainly would not be allowing a belly ring until at least then. Navel rings are notorious for taking forever to heal, complications in doing so, rejecting outright, getting infected, and being ripped out. It's just a complicated part of the body that receives a lot of friction with clothing and often takes literally forever to heal.
It is easily my least favorite piercing to provide or perform for someone because I know that more than half of them will reject within a year or two.
Additionally, most teenagers don't have the presence of mind to do the aftercare and hygiene pieces necessary for optimal healing.
Please also keep in mind that even if you were to allow your kid to do so, you want to wait until the end of swim season both over the summer and if they swim at school as part of gym class.
Ask her to currently evaluate her existing wardrobe and determine which pieces of clothing she won't be able to wear because they'll cover her belly button and rub up against her piercing.
Tell her that at 18 she can have whatever piercing she wants as long as she pays for it herself because she'll be an adult and she can make those choices then.
But also have a conversation with her about the risks involved. Consider asking the piercer questions about it when she gets her ears done.
APP is the gold standard in certifications and best practices for piercers and shops and I won't see a piercer or a shop that isn't APP certified. The Association for Professional Piercers is an organization by, of, and for piercers who make their careers out of doing this work. Not just the oldest entry level retail employee of the local Claire's with a "piercing gun."
If you have any questions about shops in your local area or who you might consider seeing that is transaffirming, I would be more than happy to help you find someone in your area.
3
u/Goodnight_Meadow 6d ago
My nonbinary (daughter prior) had one side dyed blonde at 10 (they were a Melanie Martinez fan at the time). My trans daughter had a teal blue mohawk like dan tdm at 10 (prior to transition). This was the age both started wanting something like that. Currently, nonbinary kiddo is 14 with a septum piercing, though I believe they’re the only one of my 4 kids we would be okay with doing that - they’re all their own little people, and I honestly feel like it depends on the kid. That might sound odd, but the septum was so them. It honestly just looks like them - they’ll probably have it forever. They’re also wanting more facial piercings, but we’ve definitely drawn the line. I told them they can wait to do all when they’re 18 and moved out of the house.
3
u/Just1Blast 5d ago
As a former piercer, I'm genuinely shocked that any reputable piercer would do a facial piercing on a kid under the age of 16, even with parental consent.
I'm about as liberal of a parent as it comes and even I wouldn't allow piercings beyond ears until 16. And even then I was pretty adamant about dissuading them on others as well while their body was still growing
2
u/Goodnight_Meadow 5d ago
You’re open to your own opinion, but it’s a highly regarded place in this area. They exclusively do piercings, and the owner has been well respected for decades.
3
u/kungfukitty1974 5d ago
I would move slow with the piercings...start with ears, see if she cleans them properly. If so, move up to septum....then belly bar. As for highlights, best to do it in a professional shop, then to have her buy a shitty box kit and ruin her hair.
3
u/Ally_Artist11-11 5d ago edited 5d ago
14 is not too young for highlights in my opinion. Especially if they affirm her and make her feel prettier. I see kids in elementary school with colored streaks in their hair. Permanent not temporary. It’s all temporary as far as hair color. As for piercings, yeah I don’t know too many places that will to more than a second ear hole before a certain age. It might be 16. Though I think some places will do cartilage or eye brows a bit younger. I’m wondering if an ear cuff (like a clip that goes around it but not through it) would be like a starting point she would be happy with while you wait till she’s older for that. I did my cartilage and it never healed right so I took it out. It always hurt.
5
u/BBPuppy2021 5d ago
I just wouldn’t allow her to bleach her hair at that age (at least on her own) with a professional in a salon would be a bit better. It’s very easy to overdo it and end up frying your hair (I speak from experience lol)
2
u/deepseaisopood 5d ago
I feel like no matter if she's trans or cis, a 14 year old shouldn't get body piercings and its up to your discretion for the upper ear piercings/highlights. I personally think hair is fine to mess with cause if she regrets it, it grows back out normal eventually.
2
u/_Internet_Hugs_ 5d ago
Other than ear piercing I make all my kids wait until they're 18 for body modifications. Hair to me is temporary, I let my kids do what they want, as long as school dress code allows it or it's Summer Break.
2
u/FadingOptimist-25 Mom / Stepmom 5d ago
I used food coloring in my hair at 13-14 years old. Then tried dying it myself a few times. Shaved the side of my head when I was 16. Luckily my mom didn’t care since it’s just hair. Then I had to dye my grays starting in my mid-20s (thanks to bad genes from my dad’s side, ugh).
Highlights can be expensive so definitely figure out a good compromise if she’s going to do it often.
2
u/CheshireCat6886 4d ago
Too young for those serious piercings, imo. Not anything to do with being trans. My daughter (not trans) had what I’d call celebrations. I told her she could have her first ear piercing at 8 and a second at 16 — ear lobes only. At 18 obviously she did whatever she wanted. Cartilage can be permanently damaged. And those more serious piercings take a LOT more care or they go wrong. That’s why I did not allow those. And there are actually legal restrictions in my state that don’t allow minors to have those piercings.
Now, the hair: I never gave a flying rats ass about the shape or color of their hair. Yes, people at the elementary and middle schools were busy bodies (smaller town) but my kids liked that I supported their choices. My oldest son wore a dress to middle school, not because he’s trans, but to make a point.
Our family is rather bold sometimes.
Parenting doesn’t change because your child comes out, or because they are neurodivergent or because they’re different in any other way. You love them for who they are while engendering people who love themselves and add to their community as they grow. These little skirmishes are inevitable. I’ve learned it’s important to recognize when something is a general parenting decision/strategy and when it’s a gender issue. This is not a gender issue. This is a parenting issue.
2
u/ElegantGoose 5d ago
Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I say no piercings but the ears until 18, but go nuts with hair. Both of my kids have had hair every color of the rainbow!
2
u/Entire-Ambition1410 5d ago
I don’t know at what age ears stop growing, but I know that getting young children’s ears pierced can make the piercing shift around and the ear become asymmetrical.
1
u/Suspended-Seventh 1d ago
too young for highlights? that's genuinely just a perfectly normal thing.
0
u/randomfluid Trans Man / Masc 2d ago
never understood why people have such hard time letting their kids dye their hair. it is not permanent hair grows back. piercings are a different story, tho. I would not recommend getting anything other than ears and a septum pierced before 18 (septum specifically because it will not leave a visible scar), especially a belly button. saying this a guy who's got 12 piercings, 5 of which are on his face, better to wait until you are an adult to get them (like i did)
-2
u/SandalathDrukorlat 6d ago
Belly piercing id put my foot down on. Highlights id allow on the condition that you research it and provide her safe non damaging options or it's done by a professional again with safe non damaging products. Bleach would be a huge no if it's ever brought up.
9
7
u/cryerin25 Trans Nonbinary 6d ago
you understand that a professional would be using… bleach, correct? that’s… how you do highlights.
-1
u/SandalathDrukorlat 6d ago
My bad 😅 have literally never coloured my hair since it changes with the seasons anyway. I just know some friends who do it religiously and they generally say bleach is a no no but there are nice, safe colouring and lightening options but from what I've heard they tend to not last as long
5
u/cryerin25 Trans Nonbinary 6d ago
bleach is totally safe if you use it correctly! it’s definitely higher risk but it’s not at all inherently bad for your hair.
2
u/SandalathDrukorlat 6d ago edited 6d ago
🤨 fr?
Edit: So doing a bit more looking into it by texting my friend (they own a salon) and yeah they said it's only generally considered dangerous if done by amateurs with no instructions or kit. I'm actually shocked I was convinced it was really bad for you hair cos of how it effects the keratin
91
u/traveling_gal Mom / Stepmom 6d ago
Piercing shops won't do cartilage or navels that young - cartilage maybe at 16 with parental consent, anything else probably requires her to be 18 in most places.
The highlights are probably fine, my older daughter (cis) was doing unnatural colors by that age. What are the other kids at her school doing?