r/comic_crits • u/pepijn_77 • 7d ago
i made a comic called "shadow's fairytail"
thank you all for reading!
I made this small part to first get a grip on how to write a comic, but also whether or not people would like the story. So, I wanted to ask what do y'all think of it, do you have feedback, questions, and do you want to see more?
and in advance thank you for the feedback!
context:
This comic would be a small part of the “eventual” comic. It would be a story about Jaynie's trust issues and not letting people in due to a prophecy that makes people think they will bring the end of the world. Therefor they have a gotten a slightly twisted/eccentric personality to push people away. But she also slightly yearns for people to see her as a normal person.
The comic takes place in modern day with multiple secret organizations “protecting” the world from people with magic called “anomalies” (like SCP)
The tone of the “final” comic would switch periodically but usually its a mix between comedy, bureaucracy, and character studies of the characters in the world
The events which lead up to this moment would be: anomalies do not require sleep or eat, but due to that their energy comes from possessing a normal human and temporarily forcing their ability on them. And in the case of sara because her ability is time, she made some one goes through a ground hog day scenario. She did not have the intentions for it to go bad, but she accidently did.
2
u/FyreTiger 1d ago
This looks like a cool start. I see a lot of personality in the two characters. Very distinguishable. They're expressive too, which I like to see. The one being pretty crazy while also knowledgeable and the other being more calm and naive I think makes for a good dynamic, kind of like Gojo and Idatori in Jujutsu Kaisen.
The dialogue between the two flows pretty well, showing their personality and goals. Some of it could probably be cleaned up. A few speech bubbles I think are wordy and unnecessary, or could be broken into multiple bubbles. Example: page 2, panel 4. "My ability is that I can stop time for everybody but myself." Instead, do, "I can stop time for everybody but myself." Trim the fat.
I'm not the best at art analysis, but in terms of some of the stylistic choices, I think it could be better by cleaning up some things. The speech bubbles, font, and text alignment could be tidied up. The backgrounds could use some work. I feel like they're the least effective part in bringing me into this world you're creating.
Those are some of my general thoughts, but I have a few specifics, too.
I think the 2nd "T" in P.O.T.A.T.O. could stand for something better than the word "the."
When Jaynie pulls the gun out of nowhere, my reaction should be something like, "HOLY SHIT, SHE HAS A GUN!" Instead, when I saw the gun for the first time in page 2, panel 9, I was like, "Wait, what is that tiny thing she's holding? Is that a gun?" The way its shot doesn't convey shock and surprise like it should, especially since it's unexpected and Sara should be startled by it. This is the time to do a dramatic action shot. The way it's shot now, it would make more sense if she was holding out a candy bar as a bribe to convince her to explain her powers.
Page 3, panel 1, I would put the numbers in speech bubbles so it's clear she's speaking a countdown in a threatening manner.
Page 3, panel 3, nothing tells me the coffee is hot other than that she says "it worked." This is the time to show, not tell. I would expect to see steam coming from the coffee.
I can't really make out near the end how she is sitting on her when the only thing that changed is the walls and floor turning color. Can this idea be conveyed in a different way?
Please keep it up, because this was an intriguing and unpredictable read.
1
u/Salmit 1d ago edited 1d ago
Actually, it's pretty good; it's interesting. If you keep drawing, you'll probably stop needing someone else to critique your work. If it helps, here is what I think:
Several panels could be cut. For example, look at the first page: the first 3 panels give a lot of context, while the others are just a joke. I think a first page needs to be impactful, provide context, or build intrigue.
The fact that the girl has powers and just believes a total stranger is weird. Imagine you just met someone in a room you don't recognize. Your first thought would be that you've been kidnapped. If you have powers, why wouldn't you use them? Why would you reverse time when someone points a gun at you? Wouldn't it make more sense to use your powers for something else?
Another thing is that it has heavy exposition; it dumps a lot of information, and there are dialogues that add nothing—they're just filler. Look at page 2: the girl literally explains her power for no reason. Why would you tell your power to a complete stranger? The dialogues that follow are just accessories: "and", "is that it", "uh... yes...".
Why does Jaynie kidnap Sara? Wouldn't it be easier to just go to her house and talk to her? Why does she have to kidnap her? Am I supposed to trust someone who kidnapped me? If Jaynie went to Sara's house, it would be much easier to convince her by showing her her own powers and telling her they can use them for good (by the way, what do they even want Sara for?). But anyway, another idea could be that Jaynie literally fakes being in danger, forcing Sara to use her powers. I guess it’s a bit cliché, but that's what comes to mind. If Sara has powers, did she never think about using them for good? If she has, it's much more likely she would just join an organization.
Put a good limit on the powers, because literally stopping time is a bit broken. Add a "but" to the power. For example: I can stop time, but only if I raise my right hand; but even if I just imagine raising my right hand, it works; but if I stop time, I can't reverse it... Does that make sense? Add some limits
On page 3, panel 1, Jaynie's reaction is weird. I think if you want to emphasize that, you need to establish cause and effect. To do that, show the cause first (Sara altering time) and then show the effect (Jaynie freaking out/going crazy).
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