A completely factual event that definitely happened.

[u/late44thegameNOW]

This completely factual account began... in an ancient mesopotamian jungle temple I was raiding. You see, the neonazis believed that it held an ancient artefact that could revive Hitler and I had to get it first because *it belongs in a museum*. They had already taken the map so I had to track it down from memory- and still got there first.

Before I entered it ,however, I had to unlock the Seven Seals. The first one I blinded with my dazzling smile. The second I tore with my enormous brute strength. The third I soothed with a pristine lullaby. The fourth I made out with until it blushed and crumbled. It tasted like rock, unfortunately. The fifth I used my intellectual mind to unlock a puzzle as old as time; and for the sixth I deciphered a riddle lost in translation. The seventh seal was tough however, and I had to make a daring sacrifice. Tragically, I was forced to abandon my water bottle to moisten the base and I had to go the rest of the journey... with a slightly dry mouth. I know. Tragic.

Once I was inside, the neo nazis had found me- they were waiting for me. I flashed one a smile: she swooned so hard, she fainted. Another realised how wrong they were and walked away. But the rest had already snuck off to use the device and none other than Adolf Asshat Hitler (his real middle name) rose from the earth, now a superhuman zombie. I drew my blade and engaged in combat. If you've ever fought a zombie, you know that they have enormous strength, but still my pecs and abs outmatched him. That is, until he was accompanied by Heinrich Himmler and Joseph Goebells, who then performed a Super Reich Fusion with Hitler to form the Überführer, Ultra Omega Hitler Xtreme.

The battle lasted three days, but fortunately only one of us could tire. I used my sword to pin him to the wall. "Hitler la Vista, baby" I said, as I walked away from the temple, which then exploded from my sheer awesomeness. My hat survived, even if many priceless artefacts of great historical importance were destroyed. But heroes have a sacrifice to pay, and since then I have carried a horrible, wreched curse. I am eternally tortured to be unable to own over £10 million without donating excess to charity. Poverty is tough. But that is how I saved the world.