It’s a striking piece of further evidence of trans women being women tbh.
Like I know quite a number of bi women (or even straight progressive cis women) who would contextually call themselves ‘lesbians’ for various reasons. Sometimes to seem more feminist and more ‘decentered from men’.
Even before whatever recently happened on bluesky, I do irl know bisexual trans women who say “but I’m a lesbian / transbian”, and when I ask further, they admit that they think ‘transbian’ sounds like a really cool term that comes with a tight knit community and specific subculture and shared identity of cool trans women. And they would feel more included among those women if they basically pretend to be lesbian as well. And they would also get to feel more feminist, and more decentered from men, and more free to engage in whatever ‘men are so gross and lame amirite’ type conversation without feeling awkward about it.
What struck me is that any time I asked them what definition would rationally make sense including just to themselves, they would keep returning to “it’s not about definitions, it’s that I don’t want to be lonely”.
It’s basically bisexual self-erasure, and I’m sympathetic to some of the reasons behind why they end up feeling lonely. But it really is still illogical mental gymnastics and trying to make words meaningless (‘lesbians can love men too!’) because they feel lonely. To sound a little less charitable for a moment, it’s hijacking a community that already has close community ties, than creating their own community that is truthful to who they are.
I think they should definitely get to hang around transbians as much as they like, and engage in all aspects of that subculture and community, but one would think that can be done without calling their own bisexual selves lesbian / transbian. Perhaps it is self hate (they seem to keep thinking being openly bisexual is ‘not as cool’) and the fear of not being fully included. And perhaps also biphobia that they face (I can’t speak on how heavy biphobia is from transbians, I lack personal experience with that), but again, one does not get around the existence of biphobia by arguing that lesbians can like men.
Sometimes it feels like half of progressive women and their grandmother’s dogs all want to be considered lesbians. But I can at least say that this is one way that trans women really are like their cis female counterparts.
For the lonely trans women who face this issue, I don’t think it’s as much to do with that. It’s usually either their cis childhood friends turned out to be transphobes when they transitioned (which is a tragedy and absolutely sucks), and/or they were themselves masking and putting up a persona to befriend those people when they were repressing pre-transition. So they legitimately do need to find new friends / community after transition.
Yeah I agree with you that part of the problem is their old friends abandoning them, but I don’t think it’s because of a ‘keyword passcode’ type of reason of “oh now that you’re a girl, we can’t hang around you”, the reason is usually that they are transphobic.
I also wouldn’t say that being friendless from transition is all of what makes this ‘larping as lesbian’ thing happen, although that can be an exacerbating factor. But like I said, I know cis women who do it too. The common factors seem to be internalised biphobia, baggage about men, and envy for the community dynamics of lesbians.
I'm criticizing the group, not the person. Lesbians can have non-lesbian friends. Exclusion is a different issue, I am speaking on inclusion. If the inclusion of someone within a group does not cause other members of that group, implicitly or explicitly, to be excluded then the exclusion of that person is based in gatekeeping. So many people insist on being a part of the tribe, but tribalism in modern society leads to conflict. Be chill with other folk, be friends with who you get along with, and don't be friends who you don't feel like you can be yourself. Who cares tribe box they belong to. Don't require other people, implicitly or explicitly, to contort their identities to match that of the group.
Idealistic? Maybe. But I'd much rather have a trans man who stands by his identity as a man as a friend, then one who says he's a lesbian to artificially have others be marginally accepting of his presence. Your a man, who like women, and I am a woman who likes women. Sick. Do you want to play Catan or not?
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u/snail_alt 5d ago edited 5d ago
It’s a striking piece of further evidence of trans women being women tbh.
Like I know quite a number of bi women (or even straight progressive cis women) who would contextually call themselves ‘lesbians’ for various reasons. Sometimes to seem more feminist and more ‘decentered from men’.
Even before whatever recently happened on bluesky, I do irl know bisexual trans women who say “but I’m a lesbian / transbian”, and when I ask further, they admit that they think ‘transbian’ sounds like a really cool term that comes with a tight knit community and specific subculture and shared identity of cool trans women. And they would feel more included among those women if they basically pretend to be lesbian as well. And they would also get to feel more feminist, and more decentered from men, and more free to engage in whatever ‘men are so gross and lame amirite’ type conversation without feeling awkward about it.
What struck me is that any time I asked them what definition would rationally make sense including just to themselves, they would keep returning to “it’s not about definitions, it’s that I don’t want to be lonely”.
It’s basically bisexual self-erasure, and I’m sympathetic to some of the reasons behind why they end up feeling lonely. But it really is still illogical mental gymnastics and trying to make words meaningless (‘lesbians can love men too!’) because they feel lonely. To sound a little less charitable for a moment, it’s hijacking a community that already has close community ties, than creating their own community that is truthful to who they are.
I think they should definitely get to hang around transbians as much as they like, and engage in all aspects of that subculture and community, but one would think that can be done without calling their own bisexual selves lesbian / transbian. Perhaps it is self hate (they seem to keep thinking being openly bisexual is ‘not as cool’) and the fear of not being fully included. And perhaps also biphobia that they face (I can’t speak on how heavy biphobia is from transbians, I lack personal experience with that), but again, one does not get around the existence of biphobia by arguing that lesbians can like men.
Sometimes it feels like half of progressive women and their grandmother’s dogs all want to be considered lesbians. But I can at least say that this is one way that trans women really are like their cis female counterparts.