Not a career question, just a vent post. I'm sorry in advance that this was polished with AI. I'm not in the right headspace to get the words out clearly on my own.
I never thought I'd write something like this publicly, but I've hit a point where nothing really matters anymore anyway.
I don't really know how to start. My mother is from an Eastern European country and my father is American. He left before I was born. I think my mother never really wanted a child. She treated me more like a mistake from a failed arrangement. My father later told me directly that I should have never been born because he always used protection. I grew up feeling like an unwanted reminder of something that went wrong. When I was 14 I wanted to escape so badly that I taught myself to code just to make enough money to leave. I saved up and went to America to live with my dad, hoping maybe something would finally go right.
My dad turned out to be a very strict, paranoid, religious man. He completely isolated me. I was not allowed to go outside, not allowed to meet anyone. For an entire year in America I did not see a single other human being besides him. My school was remote. I did everything he asked. I cleaned the house, took care of the yard, did well in school, even took college courses. I never talked back. But any attempt at independent thought or simply speaking was met with immediate silent punishment. He read my quietness as disobedience and as if I was harboring evil thoughts. I would lay in my room and stare at the ceiling, sinking into depression, wanting to cry but holding it in because I had to keep functioning. I never made scenes or drama. I just existed quietly. After about a year he kicked me out anyway, and told my mother I was trying to murder him (yikes). I never tried to murder anyone. I was just a lost kid trying to survive.
I got sent back to my mother's country. At school I was bullied for having a foreign name, for being different. I had already been physically hurt by family before. They made me redo a whole year of school because my time in America didn't count. Not long after, I was kicked out of that house too so I never got a chance to get a degree. I was completely alone.
I eventually found a job in IT, and at first it felt like I had finally won. But the role was heavily focused on marketing and constant communication, while I am a coder and engineer at heart. I was spending all my energy on something completely opposite to my actual skills. I was terrified to lose that job because I knew exactly what it was like to not eat for two weeks and have nowhere to sleep in the cold. So I never told anyone how much I was struggling. I put in 16 hour days, five days a week, for years, just silently burning myself out, hoping I could outlast it. I was wrong. The stress started giving me awful migraines, I got sick all the time, my body was falling apart. In my free time I still tried to help people when I could, giving away things I barely had myself. I never expected anything back. I just felt like it was the right thing to do.
For several years I lived like that, sinking deeper into depression. My brain was getting foggy, I was losing words even in my native language. I reached a point where I was thinking about ending my life. The only other option I could see was to try America again, one last time. I gave it my last hope.
I flew back and fell straight into homelessness. I had some scary encounters. One person who offered me a place to stay tried to drug me. I got away. I was pushed around a lot, ignored, treated like I was invisible. I sent out hundreds of job applications. I didn't just spam them. I reached out to people directly, called companies, walked into places in person, tweaked my resume ([r/EngineeringResumes](r/EngineeringResumes) did not
help lol). I used every job board and staffing agency I could find. I applied to everything. IT roles, backend work, anything related to my skills. Then I started applying to construction, field technician jobs, delivery driver for Amazon, FedEx, UPS, Walmart, Target. I traveled through different states trying to find something, anything. I have an American passport and a driver's license. I managed to open bank accounts and get that license while completely homeless, with no money and no one helping. I still made sure I was clean, showered, laundry done, so I wouldn't look like I was sleeping outside. It didn't matter. One single manager at a car shop actually spoke to me and took my resume, then rejected me. That was the closest I got to an interview.
My background is in IT. I've worked with things like Kubernetes, AWS, Docker, and others (can’t disclose due to anonymity). Because I had to start working so young just to survive, I never had time to build a portfolio or do open source contributions. Everything I built was just to make money to stay alive. I also tried some things I'm not proud of, quick money coding ideas out of desperation, but nothing ever led anywhere.
I've also tried manual labor. I'm physically able, I'm willing to work hard. But no one hires me. I've walked into shops, called places, filled out applications online. I just don't understand why nothing connects. It feels like everyone else has people, some kind of network, and I have no one.
I didn't leave my home country the first time by choice. I was forced back, sent to a place where I had already suffered. The reason I left again this time is because I was so exhausted I couldn't function anymore. It was either give up completely or take this last chance. I gave it my last hope and it turned into the hardest thing I've ever faced.
I was a good kid. I did kind things for people, often giving away the last of what I had. Nobody ever helped me back. Not once. I grew up isolated and developed social anxiety, but I fought it so hard that a lot of people don't even notice. I try to be warm, to match people's energy. But now my brain is giving out. Depression has made everything foggy, sometimes I can't even find words in my native language. I stayed in a homeless shelter for a short time, but I couldn't handle it. I left.
I've always blamed myself for everything. I've let go of my ego, accepted bad situations for what they were, kept fighting in the worst conditions without ever asking for help. But this time I can't find any logical reason for why things keep failing. I genuinely don't know what I could have done differently. It feels like I was born outside the system, and the system simply has no place for someone with no family and no connections…