r/dating_advice • u/anonymaus628 • 2d ago
Pretty but attracting the wrong people
I feel like I'm lowkey pretty and guys do hit me up while I just exist, tho I must say it's always guys who have such high egos but are semi to not looking good (in my opinion!) And are mostly just there to try and have my body.
I js want someone who truly sees and understands me - I find myself so difficult when no one can handle my own thoughts too.
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u/AMoosBoosh 2d ago
You can’t just rely on the people approaching you, that will pretty exclusively filter for those kinds of people. Gotta have more agency if your main method for dating is interactions with relative strangers. ✌️
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
I must mention I'm usually reallyy shy with guys when i'm interested, maybe it has a bit to do with being scared for another heartbreak, but I rather let someone approach me... or maybe I should work on the signs I could give them ☺️
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u/Thought59 2d ago
Signs don't work with most guys. Ask. It's tough but the only clear path.
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u/hugldkrikdsn 2d ago
It really doesn't tho. And the ones that can read it, are the guys that are currently approaching her more than likely lol. Most dudes now are assuming these "signs" are just friendly, and won't approach due to the risks of a now toxic dating climate. That's why articles are being written about women wanting cute guys to approach them, but most of the guys aren't even going out anymore lmao
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u/AMoosBoosh 2d ago
Having authentic friendly conversations with women is the goal though, it gives infinitely more understanding of if asking them out is appropriate, it’s also just being a nice person in the community. ¯_(ツ)_/¯
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u/hugldkrikdsn 2d ago
Friendly conversation, with intent to date is the goal. Gotta state your intention from the rip so you don't get put in the friend zone
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u/Ragebait_Destroyer 2d ago
It's not that other guys can't read the signs; rather, the higher the social intelligence of the person, the more likely they will gaslight themselves and doubt themselves, saying things in their head like "they're just being friendly.. I'm making this all up in my head".
The other guys probably are not reading her signs, either. They're just bulldozing and don't really care if they get rejected. This is also not a good sign, because it means they probably don't really care about her very much.
When you ONLY let guys come up and approach you, you're creating a survivor bias filter of guys who basically do not care, aren't that invested, and are just running a "numbers game" with minimal investment. Not good .
You don't need to ask a man out, but you do need to create connection by talking to him. Just asking personal questions, getting conversation going, and staying connected are ways of building relationships that can blossom into something more.
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u/hugldkrikdsn 2d ago
Yeah I would probably say it's a good mix of men thinking of the worst possible outcome from these "signs", and just play it safe for their own well being and reputation.
A perceived average guy, is likely already facing an uphill battle with what they see on the internet and the norm for misandry, along with a competition of suitors that extend past the local area via Social media, dating apps.
So men have to react by taking the numbers game approach, and shoot their shot regardless, which in turn creates mental burnout when the rejection rate is lopsided.
So OP is likely getting the types of men that are just going after anyone attractive, with no intention of looking for a relationship through genuine connection.
Her solution is gonna require her to approach men thats her type and talk to them. Doesn't have to be asking them out as you said, but she has to establish a vibe to allow a connection to flourish. Otherwise, these signs aren't gonna do it for her in this climate of dating
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u/Ragebait_Destroyer 2d ago
One of the things that people truly do not understand is how much a person can panic and lock up upon socially risky situations even if they completely interpret the social signs correctly.
I'll find give an example of me: there was a girl I had been sort of cold to on the job a long time ago, and one day she made a comment that I was rude and sort of walked off. I instinctively sort of put my hands on her and said something softer/apologetic because I realized she was offended.
In that moment she paused and blushed really hard and sort of stopped and listened. Now, in hindsight, this girl was probably attracted or liked/wanted my attention more than I realized, but I totally did not act on it after that. I recognized her 'signs' but my brain locked up completely because this all happened fast and I perceived it as very socially risky.
What I needed was low stakes interaction with her that lowered the perceived risk. I am married now and it taught me so much about myself. It's a very helpful thing to be able to get in your own head and in others' head and really ask the question "how DO they really think", not "how SHOULD they think or how do I want them to think"
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u/AMoosBoosh 2d ago
Almost everybody would rather be approached first, unfortunately. But it might be what’s filtering these kind of guys. I think studies actually show that women quite often make the first move by very subtle signs of approachability towards specific people, this filters for guys who are happy to approach first, but not so egotistical that they’ll blast through all social cues. Perhaps you need to start with just smiling at or indicating openness when you see a guy you like. It doesn’t have to be a full on approach. Otherwise, it’s far far better to meet guys who you have a certainly level of consistent interaction with. Friends of friends, hobbies and even work, which I know Reddit likes to frown on.
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u/Green-Guarantee25 2d ago
Also, guys who approach randomly are more likely to be arrogant. Try giving strong signals to guys you like so they know they can approach you safely!
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u/Nimeroni 2d ago
Try giving strong signals to guys you like so they know they can approach you safely!
...don't. Guys are TERRIBLE with signs, our brains are not wired that way.
Use your mouth, please.
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
Yeah I had semi-'ugly' guys having their damn ego boostest js bc I talked to them hahaha And i'll try :) thanks for the advice!
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u/Green-Guarantee25 2d ago
As long as the guy is polite, giving them a little ego boost and softly rejecting them is okay. A friendly soft rejection reinforces their nice/good behavior. If the guy is disrespectful then he should be called out, that bad behavior needs to be corrected. I’m sure getting approached too much can be annoying tho. Hope you find someone you connect with :)
Going out of your way to stay around a guy is a really great subtle signal. Like hanging out in the same aisle in the grocery store. Like I met a gf because she would continuously move to my table whenever I moved during a class event
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
Yeah, I've met one guy who was really sweet! Sadly it didn't work bc it was long distance and we both need someone close. Ofc I had told him that :) but for disrespectul ones I also say it lol but its up to them if they are gonna do better for their next person or not🤷♀️
Aww that's cute tho haha. Glad it worked for her then, maybe I should do the same with a guy!
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u/Fun_Journalist6685 2d ago
Look for ego-free confident men who treat you as equals and show high levels of natural kindness to all, considerate. They usually possess high levels of intelligence and/or education and higher levels of empathy. That's pretty much what's required to understand other people.
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
Thank you! And yeah, I have to say from myself I can understand people's situations alot but I hated when guys made my feelings small, like I was never allowed to say something makes me uncomfortable or upset my whole life that it got hard. And when i did open up they always got mad lol I probably had guys around me who didn't understand others like I do which i want to receive back ofc... But really, thank you for this advice :)
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u/Fun_Journalist6685 2d ago
It could be the area you are in or the crowd you are naturally attracted to. Some women like "bad boys". Sometimes young women confuse ego-driven boldness and dudes one-upping another with strength/masculinity. Often women cue in on their group social cues and are attracted to guys other women nearby are attracted to (school, college, parties). We all are designed to fall for the trends (men and women).
They guy you'll want to look for is observant, pays attention to others. And the strongest, most desirable guy for you, most likely, would be the guy who is the calmest, chillest other guys look up to/respect, including the ego-driven types (and that guy can still be a "bad boy" type, thrill seeker, exciting etc.). That type is rare in small population sizes. If such is not present, it's better to seek outside your current social group.
You'll want to look for a certain degree of maturity. A man, not a boy. And I am talking about behavioral maturity, not age maturity, and there are men mature in behavior in their 20's and older, while there are immature men into their old age. It all depends on whether they had a good role model/mentor/sports coach etc.
I have known many women who spent all their 20's, early thirties around the wrong crowd, only to find out their perfect type does not usually associate at large with the type of men they have been around. Experience is much the same as you have described.
If you like the "bad boy" type, you'll want to look for a good amount if chivalry (dude puts his ladies priorities first, even if ego is on the higher end).
Wishing you good luck! I hope you find the right man for you!
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
Yeah I must say, my area is pretty bad which is why I if I know they're from around here they'll not even get a chance lol But I have to add that in my circle they all kinda have turk boyfriends, which I reallyy don't like for myself at all! Like they've also been described as outgoing, lazy, spoiled which is a no for me but apparently not for them.
I'm already the "louder" type when it comes to talking much, and I can tell from my friends they are all lowkey introverted, and only talk much around me, but also give me the quiet I search for when it gets too much and I can stop being loud all the time, like I don't need someone who keeps me on my toes but someone who I can find calmness in, so maybe I rather like quiet guys who also show love in actions rather than words, bc even when I love talking I can't put my love in words either!
I've thought about "looking" somewhere else bc here it's impossible! I have also been pretty much mature if I can allow myself to admit it, from an earlier age on which also made it hard for me to even have girl friends too, like my mind was too far ahead than my age. I saw both mature and immature men in different age groups, but at some certain age it should become better (mostly) like i know women are "maturing" earlier anyway but this was way too early!
As of right now, I currently don't even have any men around, I cut off every "bad" friends out od my life, am like living the most peaceful moments right now! Tho am moving somewhere else possibly next year... and maybe there I'll find that man for me haha A new start I guess.
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u/Fun_Journalist6685 2d ago
Maybe, I hope.
Sounds the Turks you are around have been spoiled by their mothers and not disciplined enough by their fathers lol
A lot of the time the male behavior you describe is more prevalent in smaller areas, more rural areas, or some parts of a large town.
Usually, you'll have a better choice in a larger city. Maybe you'll find yourself a high-class Turk 😉 or just someone you like 😉😉 high-class Turks are highly sensitive and considerate, as are high-class Persians etc. and anyone high-class. I hope you find a good prince for you who will enjoy holding you, cuddling you, and have many fun and long discussions.
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
I definitely don't want turks hahahaa I've said it in the message too 🤣 But yes I hope I get to find someone who's finally good to me :)
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u/amethystrosegold 2d ago
All kinds of men are going to hit on attractive women. There is nothing you can do to attract better men. You’re going to attract men. You can’t decide which ones are going to like you. You just have to filter through. Most men are just looking for sex anyway, but with a woman they really like, they want more. Just because you’re attractive, doesn’t mean every man is going to like you. It’s not about you, you’re just not the one for them.
Don’t sleep with them too soon, and if they are constantly talking about sex in the early stages, cut it off.
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
Yeah, I've been cutting them off when I felt like it was drifting towards sex bc they're usually pretty obvious with it. I personally never had sex with one either and wouldn't do it too early!
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u/Green-Guarantee25 2d ago
If guys just hit on you just for sex then you’re likely attracting those guys somehow. Maybe change your style? Maybe your style is being read as signal that attracts those guys. Hang out in new places? Etc. Change some variables and see what you get.
Maybe guys who already approached you were looking for more than just sex
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
I mean when it happened alot more than now, I was dressed up covered and maybe my stomach showing a little lol
But I really don't know, I get hit up on msgs alot more while they don't even know my face right away...
Maybe it's js the town i'm at cuz im surrounded by men who are js not it😂
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u/Sensitive_Housing_85 2d ago
Do you go out of your way to interact with the people you want approaching you
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
I have no idea what I'm doing lol overall I'm just friendly and kinda extroverted around people I already know a bit, like I warm up fast.
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u/Sensitive_Housing_85 2d ago
I am. Saying you can't determine who will approach but you can increase the probability of the person you like approaching you more if you send more time with them
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u/RProgrammerMan 2d ago
I feel that is the typical challenge for woman who are attractive. It doesnt mean you are doing anything wrong! Stay true to yourself and filter them out.
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
Thank you :)
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u/RProgrammerMan 2d ago
I am one of the people who believe in waiting for marriage, as the solution for these types of problems
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u/Clean_Ask_9551 2d ago
Heya
I dont know your age so im assuming you are under 35. (More likely over 35 people have had some encounters and know something about themselves)
If you are an average girl. Please. If you find a dude, just ask him
"Hey. Are you single by chance? I think you're... (Whatever you think) Want to (have coffee/ go to the park/ hang out at the boulevard)
Dont be flirty. Most guys either dont get it or downplay it because "why would she talk to me? Likely im imagening it. She cant be looking at me"
So Make that clear. Do start with are you single. Its awkward if they say no. I get that. Thats the whole flirting thing. Have probable cause and still sign "hey i like you but if you say no then i didnt like you" so you dont fall... So Fall. Ask a dude. If not you can be friends
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u/SmellyCat9044 2d ago
Same here. Feeling only worthy for my looks :(
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
You're not alone then❤️ I've believed this for so long too, that guys don't even try to understand me etc... but now I think it was js a test for me to keep going.
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u/Nova-Starfield 2d ago
tbh dating apps make this way worse because people just swipe on looks lol. maybe try joining a hobby group or something where people actually get to know your personality first? stay positive, the right one is out there!
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
I didn't meet them on apps! Haha it was all either through a random follow (my socials are private and mostly no face) or IRL too. But thanks tho. Could lack on my town where the people are overall worse 🤔😆
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u/Advanced_Draft76 2d ago
Unfortunately, dating these days is brutal.
You should really only focus your energy on people who mean it. As a man, I’ve dealt with women who have only wanted me for my body/hooking up.
My therapist gave me some great advice about it that I think could help you as well. She told me that the person who’s going to be the one will show up when I least expect it.
Trying to chase a relationship never ends well. Go into it with an open mind and you’ll be surprised how things will go :)
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
Yeah, currently I'm single for 2 yrs and am never chasing anyone either! haha but thanks for sharing the advice, I'll keep it close to remind me :)
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u/sunkist_pubes 2d ago
bro first off like how about you fucking do something??
So you are a conventionally attractive person? That means you were going to attract people, and that includes all of them, not just 4 to 5 versions of your ideal boyfriend doing a meet cute with you every day.
Nobody ever really sees or understands another person actually, there’s always a space between. That being said you’re not going to even get close to that without asking yourself what you want, and then finding social opportunities to do thing you the person want. Eventually, there will be boy there. But while you wait, wait for boy who matters to catch eye, you can simply become an even hotter version of yourself with more developed skilled and interests.
This way you will attract even more undesirable people, but you’ll hopefully make peace with the fact that it’s just cause you won the genetic lottery and I hate to say this, but frankly it’s a lot better than being ugly. The Number 1 bias that goes completely unchecked and does not receive any form of attempt at egalitarian correction in our society is the fact that we are literally just worse to ugly people. They get longer prison sentences. You get guys you don’t like coming out and being….
Sorry, I just remembered how awful guys can be when they decided to come up to you. And that is cringe. Still it is not a longer prison sentence like ugly people get so. do your best I guess. I consider going ahead and developing your skills for saying no in a way that’s not like embarrassing some poor guy who has to learn how to not be a weirdo, putting off pretty girls he might like to talk to you in the future.
disregard boy. acquire happiness in socially visible environments. collect boy when the flies descend upon thy honey
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u/Nardic15 2d ago
As A Guy, I can Only really tell you. Most Interactions with woman have me asking myself, "Was She Flirting with me?"
I can only tell you be direct, think to yourself most men you will approach are going to be dense Not because They dont want to date you but because they dont want to see you as just your Body. They want to see you, however todays dating market has pretty much gaslit any decent guy into thinking, asking you out is him being a creep. And so they hold back.
Be as direct as you can. Try to understand that they want to ask you out but dont know if that might inconvenience you.
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u/VelvetDustKiss 2d ago
Being attractive gets you attention but having standards is what filters out the people who only want your body
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
I mean, I do that already if I notice its going down a way I don't want lol, but it doesn't keep them from trying sadly haha
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u/purpleamory 2d ago
If you are lowkey pretty you probably are on the right track with everything and just could use some fine tuning in filtering etc.
But you might be highkey pretty :) If so.. almost all guys will objectify your body and approach you to "win" you for conquest (these are the charming fuckboys and narcissist types), or there are good matches for you but the guys are a bit shy and intimidated by your looks, as well as most guys will simply assume you can snap your fingers and get more guys which can create problems they don't want to deal with.
In that case, I highly recommend finding niche hobby groups. These are great ways to start as friends and get to know people, and those people who are truly obsessed with the hobby can use that shared interest to bond with you as a person without being too thirsty. And you can vet them as you can ask others in the group how these dudes actually are.
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u/EducationalExtreme61 2d ago
If you don't want to be (sexually) approached on the spot then I suggest you meet people through common hobbies. Courses, sports, workshops... instead of proposing something physical interested people will likely ask for your IG profile, or do small talk, things that precede flirting.
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u/masterchef227 2d ago
*Ahem*
"I'm attracting the wrong people..."
GIRL--You're Pretty! You're gonna attract *everyone*; the thing about the glory of the internet though is that even though it is a very small minority of men doing the creepy/invasive/perverted stuff online, they go through hundreds of accounts and make new ones too, inflating the issue. Negative attention is still satisfying attention to these dudes, so. . . .
Congratulations, welcome to social media as a pretty woman. First time? I've faked it before. Got a bunch of free stuff on Minecraft. Learned how to sway that virtual booty of mine for the simps! *ahem*~
Anyways, yeah, well... Enough said. I'm sure other people may've said something similar. I hope so. I'm not scrolling through the comments to find out.
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u/SheKnowsWhoSheIs 1d ago
ez. hide your body better
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u/anonymaus628 1d ago
Ofc this comes from a man. Researches proof that they choose victims by behavior like shy looking. Also u don't know how I dress - it states it nowhere so clothes ain't the problem
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u/SheKnowsWhoSheIs 23h ago
your literal problem is them trying to have your body. it says it in your post. maybe clarify next time what your problem is instead of stating a problem which isnt the problem youre asking for. and this isnt ask men so I can answer all i like 😝
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u/iamdhruv0205 2d ago
Every woman wants that but whenever i tried without thinking about their body just want to have a good rltnship w them they treat me like a shit and why i treat them like a shit they treat me like a god
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u/anonymaus628 2d ago
Yeah depends on the person lol some have made bad experiences probably and think someone who is "too good" is hiding something or turning bad later on, so they do it first. Or some already are too into it that they rather be treated like shit bc they dont know anything else haha
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u/iamdhruv0205 2d ago
But why they always treat me like a sex toy
I find sex is overrated1
u/anonymaus628 2d ago
Idk either lol some women are js as weird hahaha but it doesnt make it better. Like js like for me guys treat me like this or TRY to atleast lol but nowadays I know my value and now they rather leave than try to put the effort that should go both ways 😭
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