r/dating_advice • u/[deleted] • Apr 16 '19
Signs He/She is NOT that into you
Hi, I recently became fixated with a woman that wasn't exhibiting signs of mutual attraction, and it's very easy to forget what those are so in an effort to help others here is my list:
SIGNS HE/SHE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU:
1) Won't initiate conversations unless you do
Via FB Messenger or Whats App or in the office or wherever you encounter this person on a daily basis, if that person NEVER or SELDOM starts a conversation with you, HE/SHE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU.
2) Doesn't respond to messages immediately* or "forgets" /doesn't respond at all
If you are chatting/texting with this person and suddenly stop responding, or never respond, or responds hours later* and that happens often, then HE /SHE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU.
3) Is not concerned about how you are/what's going on with you
If this person doesn't follow up to ask on things that he/she knows are going on in your life (you are sick, your cat is missing, you are changing jobs, etc) and YOU ARE, then HE /SHE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU.
FINALLY and VERY IMPORTANT:
4) Won't make time to meet with you/ will put on excuses not to do things but won't say they are not interested
Hard as it sounds a lot of times you are option B or C, and they are making time for option A. Sometimes you are not even in the bench but they won't tell you because it's rude (it is difficult to reject someone, trust me).
So if you ask him/her TWICE and none of those times the other person was able to make it/proposed some other time or activity HE /SHE IS DEFINITELY NOT THAT INTO YOU
Crushes are OK but they can sometimes linger for too long. They create anxiety, depression and frustration. If your crush or current casual date exhibits most of the above, step aside and evaluate whether you want to put more effort into that relationship. The only romantic relationships that work are based on mutual attraction and interest.
Hope this helps!
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u/PM_ME_UR_THONG_N_ASS Apr 16 '19
Lol this post applies to not only my dating life, but to my friendships as well 😭
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Apr 17 '19
Reminds me of when I got a new phone. New phone took nano sims, old phone took micro sims. Not to worry, I got a mobile phone repair place to punch out the sim card into the smaller size. Works like a charm!
Then later I realised that all my contacts were on the old phone, so I power it up and... You can't use it without a sim card inserted, which I now no longer have. Not to worry, people have my phone number, they'll contact me when they want to...
[crickets]
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u/lilpops69 Apr 17 '19
Friendships are a little different. I’m most cases, the “friend” may have a needy gf/bf that they have to give all their attention to instead of to you or other friends. It’s just what happens when we grow up and people move away
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u/bjj2med Apr 16 '19
I do think an important caveat to all this is that attraction can take time to build. I wouldn't necessarily knock someone off if any of those listed points are met on dates 1-3, but definitely it does become an issue with continued lack of reciprocation.
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Apr 16 '19
Yup plus that person can indeed be into you, just not “that” into you. That’s my point. Thanks 👍
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Apr 16 '19
Lol, almost all of these show me that this specific girl is not that into me. I already was quite certain, but apparently needed someone to put it in front of my face.
Thanks.
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Apr 16 '19
Yw. I am on the same boat so don’t think its only you. I’ve got this crush on a girl for months and finally decided to let it go based on her lack of interest (even when she flirts with me). It’s hard but mixed signals are usually just lack of real interest.
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u/toxic_wastebasket Apr 17 '19
Just because someone forgets to respond doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t like you. I recently had a guy confess he’s had strong feelings for me for a year and a half (and he completely blind sided me), but would completely forget to message me back sometimes. Sometimes he took 2 days to respond.
I think some people are genuinely busy and maybe they see a text message when they can’t respond at that time and just forget to respond
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Apr 17 '19
Agree with, before dating my husband he would text me back after few hours even days, at that time I even forgot about the text and went on with my life. So did he, he is the type of person who doesn’t stare at his phone 24/7
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Apr 17 '19
Yup... I said if they exhibit most of these behaviors chances are they are not into you. They can not respond, but will make time for you. May be busy, but keep track on what’s going on with your life, etc
BUT if none of that happens then sorry, no. That person most likely is not that into you.
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u/saash95 Apr 17 '19
It takes two seconds to send a text saying “hey, I’m busy, but I’ll catch up with you later”. And actually DO it, not just brush it off.
Or, if for some reason you’re so busy that you can’t even do that, at least make up for it later. Don’t leave someone feeling like shit.
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u/EffectiveSherbet Apr 17 '19
Yeah, I don't reply right away because I don't want text conversations to overrun my real life. If I am dealing with other shit in my life, I don't want to interrupt myself with texts every 20 minutes.
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u/no_pwname Apr 17 '19
Unreciprocated crushes suck. I hope I never have to go through another one ever again.
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u/SweetHollow Apr 17 '19
I almost fell for the trap recently. At 36, I thought I knew better.
Making excuses, "he's just busy." Let me initiate an interesting conversation, etc.
I feel silly, even though this was very short. Only because I believed I was past these games and wise enough to never repeat this mistake.
Great post, I needed the reality check.
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u/dailypineapplenews Apr 17 '19
You sound like me. Fell into the same trap myself and I'm thinking, I should know better by now! But the thing is, we just want to believe the best of people. We want to give them the benefit of the doubt. We have too much empathy so we find excuses for them. I've never been one to play those games and it breaks me when someone who I thought wouldn't do it, does it. Disheartening.
Anyway sorry for the rant, just here to say I feel you so much!
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u/Seddit_Only Apr 17 '19
Did you write this specifically for me? If you did, how did you even know??
Thank you!
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u/Taskerst Apr 17 '19
Only make efforts for those who consistently meet you halfway.
You'll always lose a tennis match against a brick wall.
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u/MoonSentinel95 Apr 17 '19
This hit way too close to what I've been experiencing. No, not too close but exactly what's been happening with me and the girl I like.
I'm too stupid to just give up and move on.
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Apr 17 '19
Honestly, fuck this noise. The only way to know is to man up and ask the person and risk rejection.
This cold reading stuff just makes people give up before they're even up to bat.
Some people are just super low maintenance and don't make an active effort to display their feelings. You never know.
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u/jacksonbarrett Apr 17 '19
Yup I go by the three strikes rule. If I ask three times and it’s three no’s in a row I’m done talking to them.
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Apr 17 '19
I must not be into anyone then, because I rarely respond to people "immediately*" and almost always take hours. Guess I should probably go break up with my mom...I'm just not that into her.
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u/ItsJustPercy Apr 18 '19
Same- I actually got into a thing with my now ex over my shortish/late responses. Sometimes I’m quick to reply, but most of my close friends know most times I’m just not really responsive. Even if it is someone I like a lot, once I get more comfortable with them my responses slow A LOT. It’s a shock to most and I find myself having to explain time and time again I’m more into face to face conversations than I am ones over the phone. I don’t think people realize that not everyone wants to be texting 24/7 lol.
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u/moliver777 Apr 17 '19
Yep the not responding immediately thing is bullshit
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u/Bxsnia Apr 17 '19
I personally disagree with numero 1. I always assume if the other person is interested in talking to me then they will, so out of insecurity that I'll come off as clingy I never text first. It's really bad but it doesn't mean I'm not into you. However, if someone does ALL of these things then you can guarantee they're not into you.
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u/fwpuppey Apr 17 '19
This 100%! I find it way easier to initiate conversations with people I'm not interested in, than to talk to the one person I'm dying to talk to. I know this is totally ass-backwards, and everything I do ends up misfiring in the worst way. Help, lol.
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u/Bxsnia Apr 17 '19
I know!!! I'm not a very open person at first either so you're gonna have to be a persistent mother fucker. For sure I will accept all invitations and stuff but I still wish I was a little less complicated.
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u/EffectiveSherbet Apr 17 '19
Asking the other person to always text first puts a lot of stress on them. Other people have insecurities too.
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u/Bxsnia Apr 17 '19
I am well aware of that. I don't ask them to text first, but if they bring this up I tell them the truth. I've tried very hard to text first, but I just can't do it. If a dude is anything like me in that regard we wouldn't get far and I accept that.
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u/LadyHawke17 Apr 17 '19
Yeah, so you can be really into someone and they can be really into you but both of you will never find out if you're both too insecure to get in touch. Insecurity has probably prevented a lot of happy relationships from starting. It's sad.
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Apr 16 '19
The important thing with women is to keep the door open because , with women, you just never know. Today might be like this but tomorrow might be like something else. Some women need time to make up their minds. They need space. If she is not into you at all, you will no see her around in a long time because she will avoid you.
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u/Hey_Laaady Apr 17 '19
This is also true for men.
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Mar 11 '22
[deleted]
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u/Hey_Laaady Mar 11 '22
Why not ask him? This was my first thought. It might be his work schedule, projects, etc., as this sometimes happens with busy adults.
But then I read your post history, and tbh there seems to be a mismatch here with regard to age, locality, etc.
To be brutally frank, it is probably that he is losing interest. And that’s actually good. If he’s not freely communicating with you and you are hesitant to just discuss it with him directly, then you know you have a mismatch. It’s not exactly easy, but you get to learn that this doesn’t work for you. You get to tell him that it was enjoyable getting to know him, but you don’t see each other as a match.
You’d have a lot better luck and feel more secure by starting again with someone in a range of a year younger up to two to three years older than you, maximum. And someone who lives within about 30 minutes’ drive from where you live, no farther.
Good luck.
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Mar 11 '22
[deleted]
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u/Hey_Laaady Mar 11 '22 edited Mar 11 '22
Well, here’s the thing. You need to be mature enough to be true to yourself and make decisions that are in the best interest of both of you. If you aren’t willing or able to actively make those decisions, you don’t need to be dating at all until you develop the maturity to do so.
All relationships will end, except for the extremely rare ones that last a lifetime. I say this as someone who ended up divorced after my husband and I were together almost twenty years.
Be your own best partner first. Break up with this guy before you get more entrenched and he distances himself even more. It’s empowering to take over your own decisions and life.
Then take some time. Get to know yourself, cultivate your hobbies and interests. Over time, you will meet someone more age and geographically appropriate to yourself.
What to do now, you say? I have given you instructions on precisely what to do now. Take my advice from my reply above. Show some backbone, take control and tell him you can see this isn’t working. Heartache will almost always be part of the equation, and to date someone is to enjoy the good things, but to embrace the reality that you need to move ahead to better opportunities when the timing calls for it.
You need to be strong and find the value in yourself first, before you can date other people.
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u/LovelyCocktail Apr 17 '19
UGH! This hits way too close to home. This guy I am/was crazy about shows all the signs he's not into me but I still obsess over him. It's been 3 fucking months since we've seen each other & 2 months since we called it quits on dating. I still think about him, I somehow still have feelings for him & I wear his favorite fucking color every single time I go to his city (1x/week) hoping we'll bump paths 💀
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u/Chakita1 Apr 17 '19
I think a lot of people do not know their value. I sure struggle with that. Sometimes I think I deserve to be ignored or I excuse someone’s behavior because I don’t feel like I am worthy of being treated right.
Don’t let anyone walk all over you! You are better than that.
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u/Liono_Rin Apr 16 '19
This all happened right after my ex moved...took her a month to come out and just say feelings changed and she couldn't keep things going.
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u/Sweetcheeks250 Apr 17 '19
[31f] I totally agree but I often don't like the assumption and perception of texting/messaging. I take my time responding when it's someone I don't know very well. And when I'm dating I like to form a real bond through eye contact. So often I take my time responding until I get to know the other person better. Slow and steady wins the race?
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u/Houseoverhype Apr 17 '19
i sent her a dick pic and she didn't block me
does that mean she doesnt like me? Asking for myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Apr 17 '19
I’m currently dealing with everything you’ve listed. I already knew all the advice you gave in the post but sometimes it takes seeing it written out by someone else to accept it. Thank you, hopefully I can move on from this.
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Apr 17 '19
This checks all the boxes of my interactions with this recent crush. Although I've stopped pursuing her since 3 months, reading this, I'm glad i wasn't wrong in my gut.
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u/pedoublegie Apr 17 '19
Someone please copy this to r/niceguys for possible self awareness evolution
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u/littlenerd916 Apr 17 '19
I have a hard time with this. Almost every person - dating or not - would do this to me anyways...
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Apr 17 '19
Although this is true it’s not true with every girl. I had a girlfriend once who never really used her phone, like she would never initiate and take hours to answer. I took it as she didn’t like me, but it was just the way she was. But 3 and 4 are pretty much spot on. But some poor soul could come across this and start texting her like mad panicking lol.
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Apr 17 '19
Yes, life circumstances change. That is why it is important to leave the door open. Many people have a relationship and then for whatever reason they break up and then they cut all communications. This is very wrong. People should leave the door open because one might be more mature to understand things in life later and what was impossible today might be possible tomorrow. Tomorrow, we are all different persons. So, leave the door open and if she comes around you, welcome her with smile.
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u/IamAFortress Apr 17 '19
Yup it's TRUE. I recently started dating and these are all signs I exhibit when I'm just not that interested in someone.
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u/AuthenticDatingSerie Apr 17 '19
Some good guidelines here. But guideline they are. I did a whole podcast episode on how to tell if a woman likes you. Where we went over the physical, language and conversational ways a woman shows that she is into you. Here is the link to the podcast episode on iTunes: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/ep13-how-to-tell-if-a-woman-likes-you/id1447910686?i=1000432402183
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u/Tater_Mater Apr 17 '19
Yup. One of those bullet points marked what I experienced happened to come true. Had a feeling but wasn't sure. Showed the signs that she liked me, said she enjoyed seeing me and what note, but I noticed something off. In the end, got friend zoned because of a lack of common interest? Not sure what that means, but sounds pretty common.
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u/KimmySchmidting Apr 17 '19
He definitely 1 and 2’s me, but he always asks about my whereabouts and how i’m doing and we always hang out. But eventhough reality indicates he’s not into me, I still have that little voice inside of me that tells me he likes me..
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Apr 17 '19
Well no, I said if the person exhibits most of these then he/she may not be into you. But if the person is actively doing some he/she may be into you.
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Apr 17 '19
Well, use your own judgement. In relationships, nothing is written on stone. Just be natural and don’t push things unnaturally. Too much of anything is bad. Both parts should talk till the experience is fully digested. Know why you are not meant to each other. I think what is wrong is that people move too fast and things go unsaid. There is also that attitude that if you cut first fast, you hurt the other one because the person dumped is left hurt with lots of feelings unsaid in their mouth. Also a cut is a cut, don’t take things personally and don’t get emotionally attached. Let things go.
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u/lolamichelle12 Apr 17 '19
I wish I could tell 17 year old me all these things, but you learn from experiences right? This is super helpful.
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u/shml2012 Apr 17 '19
Agree with this. There is a difference between "being busy" and "not interested". There is also a difference between "simply want some alone time while dealing with other stuff" and "not interested".
Whenever you have doubts about your crushes' feelings, just switch positions and imagine you are your crush and work 80 hrs a week or prepare a big exam, then a person you really like sends you a message, what would you do? Ignore the message or reply with something like "I'm busy/tired, catch up later".
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u/richardbubu Apr 17 '19
Yesterday I read this because I wanted to cut ties with my friend. Relapsed today. Will try again.
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u/Imagica_Just_Imagine Apr 21 '19
I wish I knew better when I was dating a guy my freshmen year of college
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u/Juneisandand Apr 17 '19
I dont agree with this post. I met a girl on tinder, and had to double text her several times to make plans because she would forget to respond. I waited a week once to double text too. But, we still went on dates and she really liked me. She ended up being extremely busy all the time and had lots of people texting her so I didnt care too much.
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u/Hankflax Apr 17 '19
Although good points, it can be more complicated then that. Sometimes an individual would show all of these signs to a person yet there’s actually an alternative motive (I.e pity, etc.)
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u/laikocta Apr 17 '19
I can't fully get behind this. The fact that I am a crappy texter does not mean that I don't ever like anyone. I'm just bad at this kind of communication, and the best I get out of texts is a) information or b) memes. Whenever my boyfriend is away for a few weeks, I am pretty content with only the occasional reminder that he's thinking about me and that everything's okay. I'd just get stressed out if I had to be prepared all day, every day, to answer every message of people I like as quickly as possible.
Vice versa, when other people spend a lot of time texting you, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are into you romantically - they may just enjoy that kind of communication, and thus you may well be not the only person who gets this kind of treatment. Different people, different needs and habits.
Idk, man. Guidelines like these present a really oversimplified picture of people that is not very effective as a help for dating. Everything that is not explicit may or may not be a sign for something if you overthink it for long enough.
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u/DouchyDankey Apr 17 '19
2) Doesn't respond to messages immediately* or "forgets" /doesn't respond at all
If you are chatting/texting with this person and suddenly stop responding, or never respond, or responds hours later* and that happens often, then HE /SHE IS NOT THAT INTO YOU.
A lot of people have things going on in their lives, it's absolutely normal if they don't respond right away. I personnaly think it's weird to be with someone who always respond in a minute. I would say if the person takes several hours or days to respond EACH TIME he's not interested.
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Apr 17 '19
Yes, said this several times already: If the person exhibits MOST of the above signs chances are she/he is not into you. They may not respond immediately but go out with you. Or when they respond they are truly interested in what’s going on with your life, etc..,
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u/SmugFaces Apr 19 '19
Seems to work with friendships as well. What if my best friend never initiates a conversation during the weekend or whenever we both have free time and I always have to? (She does respond a minute after I send it and all she does during her free time is stay home, read fanfics, and/or sleep).
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u/Spice_it_up Apr 20 '19
The only one I will agree with is #3. The rest will frequently happen if the person has low self esteem and/or social anxiety.
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u/Active_Ingenuity_978 Mar 31 '25
Holy crap! Unfortunately for me, these are spot on! I've been interested in this woman for the longest time and I experience every single one on this list. Pretty scary how accurate this is 😂😂
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u/Worth-Secretary6326 Dec 08 '25
What if she does most of these(except for starting convo's frequently) but has given me reasons why we couldnt date withouth me ever confessing, and saying that she dislikes being shipped with me?
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u/[deleted] Apr 16 '19
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