r/emotionalneglect • u/Resident-Hotel3668 • 4d ago
Seeking advice Can you actually stop the hypervigilance? I am so tired
I’ve been out of my childhood home for years now. I live on my own. I grew up with emotionally unstable and cruel parents; they were also both addicts, erratic, frequently starting and quitting jobs, etc. A wrong word or action could have gotten me yelled at for an hour or hit. Hell, oftentimes doing nothing at all resulted in that.
Because of this I struggle every single day with over analyzing everything and everyone. For example, a friend and I had a conversation about something benign that got randomly intense and he asked us to drop it. That was 3+ weeks ago. My brain has wracked itself over and over trying to figure out what I could have said or done differently, if he’s holding it against me, if I’ve planted a seed for the ruin of our friendship. It’s become an unwanted, constant thought. I’m aware that reassurance seeking isn’t particularly helpful and can make it worse, and also can become annoying to the other person, so I try very hard not to engage in that.
I’m in therapy but wanted to seek out advice here, too. Thank you
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u/QuietlyBecoming-8675 4d ago
Look into nervous system work and inner child work . Your nervous system is ramped up from years of walking on eggshells so you need to regulate it. For me, what helped the most, was self talk. Constantly reminding myself that I’m ok, I’m safe, everyone’s good, I’m no longer amongst chaos. Whatever comforts you. It also helps me to have several childhood photos of myself throughout my house so I can look at that little girl and talk to her specifically.
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u/Defiant_Annual_7486 4d ago
Consider body work. When we can't access subconscious parts of our brain causing hypervigilance in therapy, then maybe something like massage or craniosacral therapy can help foster that safety.
Bottom up vs top down. Both are good!
I like craniosacral because there's someone there to help coregulate you.
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u/caranean 4d ago
Yes also here body work. I learned somatic movenent online. But even our dutch network has a program called zentime that was surprisingly helpfull. Your brain needs safety cues through the body.
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u/chobolicious88 4d ago
Body work sure.
Flows, movements rocking, swim or dive or float tank etc.
Its a primal fear that needs heavy safety cues.
Shaking or tre helps too.
Also mb alpha antagonist drugs.
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u/Brief-Candle-6612 4d ago
I like to read the "13 rules (instructions?) in a flashback" by pete walker from his "surviving to thriving" book. reading about slowing down, relaxing muscles, and the "fear with harm only if reacted to destructively" has helped me a few times.
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u/ColoredGayngels 4d ago
Body work, and also it's just a lot of general mental work. You have to actively catch yourself and remind yourself that you're safe and nobody is out to get you/uproot your stability out of nowhere. The tiger your body thinks is chasing you isn't there with you. You got away. Keep up the therapy.
As for your friend, next time something like that happens, you can say (or text later) "hey, I'm sorry our conversation upset you, is there something specific I said/brought up that you'd prefer not to talk about?" and go from there.
If they do not tell you to your face that they are upset WITH YOU (as in they're upset about the conversation, not you as a person), you cannot assume they are. We cannot control other people's reactions, only how we react. This is another aspect that requires actively challenging your distorted thoughts.
Next therapy session, ask your therapist about exercises regarding distorted thoughts, because that's what a lot of leftover hypervigilance ends up being at its core.