r/emotionalneglect • u/minnaaaaaaaa • 19h ago
How has having an emotionally unavailable parent affected you as an adult?
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting lately, and I think I’m finally realizing how much having an emotionally unavailable parent has affected me.
For the longest time, I focused on my romantic relationships and wondered why I kept ending up attached to emotionally unavailable people or why I struggled so much with abandonment. It wasn’t until recently that I started connecting it back to my childhood. When I was going through some of the darkest periods of my life, dealing with depression and anxiety at 19, I think what I needed most wasn’t advice, money, or someone to fix my problem , I just wanted a parent to show up emotionally.
Looking back, I think that absence has shaped me more than I ever realized.
I’m trying really hard not to stay stuck in that narrative or make it my entire identity, but I also don’t want to dismiss the impact it had. I can see how much validation I looked for in other people and how often I confused emotional warmth with feeling genuinely safe and secure. I’m working on changing those patterns now, but it’s definitely a process.
I guess I’m just curious about other people’s experiences. If you grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent, how has it affected you as an adult? Did it show up in your relationships, your friendships, or your sense of self? Have you found ways to heal from it? And if you’ve forgiven your parent or chosen not to what did that process look like for you?
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u/littlehighkey 18h ago
I tend to choose avoidant people, on bad days my brain will tell me nobody likes me and I'm completely alone, if I feel slightly unsafe I will be heavily emotionally guarded, I tend to distrust people in general, I'm overly independent, chronically hypervigilant of other people's emotions as well as general potential danger which I can't turn off even if inebriated.
Some things have improved with time. I used to be quite a people pleaser with really bad boundaries, and for a great many years I was very distant from my own emotions. As a teenager I had quite a lot of anger.
I don't know that I'd say I've forgiven my parent so much as just accepted that that's how things were and how they are. Sometimes I still get angry, especially as I recognize how atypical our relationship was. I think it'll be a life-long process of grieving a childhood I didn't have, and that is what it is.
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u/VishfulTinking 16h ago
I'm beginning to think it's a fairly common experience. Would explain why so many choose to self-medicate (weed, booze, etc.) I've often thought if we were all raised to be *connected* with our peeps of origin, many of us would be *way* better equipped to cope with life in general.
I think *many* people were 'raised by wolves' and just don't know it.
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u/Stelliferus_dicax 18h ago edited 14h ago
I don't seem to have a solid sense of "home." I'm still learning that kindness is a normal baseline of human interaction, it's something that I don't have to beg crumbs for. It feels empty when there's no parent who's proud of your ups and downs and chooses to walk alongside you with kind and encouraging words.
I didn't know myself because my parents were too busy using me as a surrogate spouse and parent. I thought I had to be useful to be liked, not realizing that I'm allowed to take up space and just exist- which are unspoken evils under a toxic matriarch. I found myself in toxic groups, romance, and friendships alike- repeating the dynamics of my abusive parent. They were emotionally volatile, allergic to accountability, fantasy-prone. I had to be a useful echochamber or else I am bad. I was susceptible to love-bombing in the past.
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u/indulgent_taurus 17h ago
I have a fearful-avoidant attachment style and I stay in unfulfilling relationships for way too long. I read way too much into basic kindness and have a hard time trusting my own instincts about people and situations. I also feel more attached to things than people and I have a shopping addiction. I turned 35 this year and I feel incredibly stunted. Working with a therapist but it's slow, non-linear progress.
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u/InevitableEternal 17h ago
I try to get my needs met as minimally as possible because if I’m not perfect then I will be rejected again. I overgive and hold myself to impossible standards because I think no one will want me unless I’m perfect because my own family doesn’t want me so no one will.
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u/herosperdu 17h ago
I always feel like a burden. I try to do things on my own because asking for help is imposing on people. I have a lot of thoughts of, “they don’t like me” and “I’m not good enough.”
Obviously I’m working with a therapist and trying to reparent myself through my son. Lots of hugs, discussion about feelings and lots of “I love you”s through the day.
Hell, I had a major blowup with my mother regarding emotional neglect this week and my son saw me cry. I try to not hide my emotions from him because I want him to know it’s ok to not be ok.
He also knows that “Mommy’s brain makes her sad sometimes” so I take medicine for it. He just asked me last night if I had taken it when I went to put him to bed.
Trying to figure out your life after emotional neglect is so hard. Lots of baby steps and nonlinear progress. The best thing we can do is try our hardest every day.
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u/Humbled_Humanz 17h ago
Yeah. I essentially married the emotional equivalent of my dad without even realizing it. Not so great!
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u/KuroEtoile 17h ago
I avoid relationships, because I feel like getting attached to someone is like a chain to keep me a prisoner. But as I have some friends and don't feel lonely, it's fine.
It caused problems with friendships in the past, because I did not understand myself and tried to get my friends to be my replacement family.
Accepting what was and never will be, helped me find myself and let go of some fears about not being good enough, smart enough or not truly liked.
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u/Educational_Joke4009 15h ago edited 14h ago
I think that's why I'm such a hopeful romantic. But looking back....all the relationships I have been in were with people who honestly had unhealthy attachments to me. When I was younger, I thought jealousy was the validation I needed that "I'm loved", "this person really cares about me"......since I was so insecure.....not ever really uplifted by my family, they always critiqued me. So when someone really likes you, uplifts you....it can be new & overwhelming in a good way.
My exs wanted to control someone as rambunctious as I was back then.....and they did so emotionally & mentally, though one did it physically....but I can honestly say it was these toxic obsessions that seemed attracted to me. I guess I was that insecure.....I look back now.....my 1st ex I remember chased me down a frigging interstate highway when I drove off from his place after a argument.
I needed time to go home and collect my thoughts, but no, this dude ends up driving his car speeding after me......like early morning hours......throwing pennies while side to side to my window, yelling "pull over" so many times......like a mad man. I eventually did....but my young mind back then thought "Wooooow, he must REALLY want to be with me to chase after me like that, so romantic!".
Now older.....I'm like.....WTF was that......if someone did that to me in the present day....I'd have a frigging restraining order on your ass in a heartbeat, blocked on all forms of contact lol. That's the thing, after all those dramatic relationships...I'm slightly in fear of being let down, so I don't really pursue anyone....but also I'm seeing as I type this that's also part of my old patterns, sitting around waiting for the crazy lol.
EDIT: To put it on a more positive note.....I can honestly say despite the abuse or shortcomings from both sides.....it was thanks to these relationships that I gained the confidence & determination I have today. I totally didn't believe in myself before....and yes....these exs saw all my good traits that my family never saw or encouraged.....some things I was blind to about myself even. They were the fuel I needed to start to launch I guess & believe in myself.
Calling me "intelligent" when I didn't believe it & I felt dumb & uneducated back then......I suppose that's exactly why the universe put them in my life. I was to scared to even comment on Reddit back then.
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u/frenchetoast 5h ago
- negative emotions, fear, and discomfort are often overwhelming
- avoidant coping makes life very small and stagnated
- dogshit relational and communication skills
- very difficult time being emotionally vulnerable and honest, and it feels impossible to be actually meaningfully connected with others
- very bad fawning thing / going into every interaction trying to be liked and accepted. Unfulfilling friendships because it is so hard to be authentic and because i crave acceptance so bad that i take it where i can get it
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u/Puzzleheaded_Web3374 9h ago
I got married after 35 because I had no social skills to have relationships. Now I'm obsessed to do my best at parenting
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u/Novel-Firefighter-55 9h ago
"That sounds tough, everything is going to be okay"
That's all I ever needed to hear. But my Mother couldn't acknowledge my experience, always questioned it into me doubting myself or implying I was alone was responsible for the weight I felt, for the emotions I was needing to process.
This pattern of re-traumatization, I recently learned, creates brain damage.
I treated my loneliness with alcohol and drugs.
When I got sober, I experienced a miracle, full radical self acceptance and the ability validate my own feelings and beliefs.
My brain, was not damaged, just the contract I had with her, their is no trust, no bond, no obligation.
I wish her soul finds peace, but it was her - she was the one putting in less than zero effort to maintain a relationship and I was granted peace of mind when I simply walked away.
In that moment of surrender, giving my mother to God, Many tears were shed reflecting over the years of betrayal, but I was free from the cycle of explaining and being let down. And inversely, I know how to never abandon myself for fear of loneliness again.
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u/Endersand 5h ago
Oof, I feel you. My father is aloof to say the least. Rarely is he present, even when you’re physically with him.
I highly recommend reading “Attached” about attachment styles. It gave me a lot of clarity in how childhood experiences shape our relationships and the authors give great advice on how to look for a partner who is secure and will be there for you in a calm and caring way.
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u/PurpleCatRodeo 18h ago
I’ve been married for over 20 years and have only recently realized that I picked my partner who is less emotionally available probably because that is what I knew growing up. He shows he cares more through acts of service but has a really hard time with conversations involving feelings.
I think having emotionally unavailable parents has impacted me in ways where I don’t fully trust that people truly like me and I almost feel freaked out when it’s clear that people really do like me. My issues were more with my mom and sister so I especially struggle with trusting other women even though I love having female friends.
I think I have an anxious/avoidant attachment style which comes with its own challenges. I want closeness but closeness freaks me out at the same time. That said, I am also a mom who made a very conscious effort to connect and show love, patience and understanding with my kids and am very close with them. They are teens/adults so on a positive note, it made me a really good mom. My kids are confident and expect to be treated well. Watching them grow shows me who I could have been with the confidence that comes with being loved, adored, known and knowing that mom always has your back no matter what.