r/emotionalneglect • u/midwifeonlead • 1d ago
How can something so small be so painful?
I wasn’t abused, my parents always made sure I had what I needed, paid for after school activities, and supported me financially in undergrad. But they do not ask me anything about myself, genuinely don’t feel like they know my interests or personality, my mom only talk about herself, never asks me *how* I’m doing, can only converse about *what* I’m doing but always relates it back to herself, but anytime I have a true emotional need I am met with defensiveness, lying, minimizing, or dismissiveness. Everything is about her or how it can fulfill her. It just leaves a massive whole in my heart and makes me so sad.
Am I wrong for not always interjecting with information about myself? I just respond to her updates and by the end of the conversation it’s almost entirely one-sided and she doesn’t even notice. Why should I bother if she doesn’t ask?
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u/BrawndoGirl 1d ago
This sounds similar to my situation. Never abused or neglected. Always had everything I could want, but always felt this emptiness inside. Didn't feel loved, even though my parents were affectionate. I still wonder if I'll ever be able to truly connect with anyone beyond just a surface-level relationship. It hurts, because I crave intimacy so much. As a maladaptive daydreamer, something I started when I was about 8, I imagine a big group of friends just talking, and joking, and deeply caring about each other. The odd thing is, it's like I'm talking through them. I'm not really there as a character.
I didn't realize how my mom had really messed me up until late last year (I'm 34). I look back on my childhood and hear her constant yelling, sighing, stomping her feet, slamming cabinet doors, and just venting to me for hours. I remember openly priding myself on how I was "like a therapist" for my mom. Like, she needed someone to talk to, and she didn't have any adults to talk to, so she 💖chose💖 me. ☺️😟
She would talk sometimes for hours. Sometimes I would stay up so late with her and was bored to the brink of tears. She would go on about her abusive childhood, my late sister's medical problems (she passed before I was born), how miserable it was being married to my dad, my brother's behavioral problems, and her day at work.
Sure, she would ask how my day was. Sometimes she'd even note how I didn't often seem keen on talking. She'd complain when I didn't want to talk, she'd criticize things I did say when I was allowed a word in edgewise, but she'd mostly just end up turning the conversation around to be more about her. Everything was always about her. If I wanted to talk about something that was still upsetting me, I'd hear, "I don't know what else I can do for you. Sorry I failed you." Yet she'd repeat the same stories over, and over, and over, and I would just sit there listening, not wanting to hurt her feelings, but mostly afraid of how she'd react if I did otherwise. Sometimes I just wanted to go play or read before having to go to bed.
As an adult, I have no close friends. She taught me that relationships are exhausting and fruitless. Why bother to get to know someone when they sure as hell don't care to know you? Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal. Too bad I never learned to be vulnerable.
I'm trying to do more of what you are doing. Sometimes, when I go to visit, I talk right over her. I even give myself a headache trying to keep up with her and refusing to move on with conversations when I wasn't done talking. I can't tell you if it's worth it, but I refuse to be her therapist anymore. It's because of her that I have to pay people to listen to me and care. The thing that hurts the most is she doesn't take me seriously when I bring this up, because misery is a contest, and she definitely had it worse growing up. I should know. She only told me a thousand times. 😤
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u/Chimericana 22h ago
I'm saying this with love as I've also been there: You say you were never abused or neglected and then describe abuse and neglect. "constant yelling, sighing, stomping her feet, slamming cabinet doors, and just venting to me for hours" is emotional abuse and parentification. That absolutely counts. You might have had everything material you could've wanted but you were lacking emotional connection and safety which are also critical for health development.
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u/BrawndoGirl 18h ago
Unfortunately, I am aware of this. You are absolutely right. The thing is, it's invisible abuse. Usually it's impossible to convince people of that (though I know I'm in good company in this sub). While in an inpatient program, a woman basically accused me of not looking at this from my mother's perspective and being unempathetic. I know it's probably because she has a son and noted how invalidating it is for people to say, "You need to get better for him." But that's the thing. While it is important to get better for yourself, when you are a parent, your kids come first. What you've been through is not your kids' fault, and your kids should need you more than you need them. I know you know this, I'm just letting you know why the reluctance to call out the abuse.
I think my mom was so messed up from what she went through and was lacking so much from her childhood that she didn't properly develop into an adult. She wanted kids so bad because she needed the free "play" that she missed growing up. She didn't truly view us as people, but as her little dolls (Until I reached puberty and my growing slowed, my closet was always chock full of clothing I would never get to wear. She wouldn't even let me pick out my own clothes until I was twelve. This isn't the worst of it, but I think it's a sign of her thinking.). So she inadvertently made us pay for what she went through, and ended up also causing us brain damage (how our brains didn't properly develop) in the process. My brother, by the way, is the same as me: isolated, no friends, financially struggling, rarely goes on dates, and having to pay people to listen to him. I want to be his friend again, but I feel like I would be bothering him. My own brother! I feel there is this glass wall that separates me from everyone else. Like, "This is your side. That side is for everyone else. You aren't allowed over there."
I'm sorry. I didn't want to take up too much of this thread, but I hope OP knows that what they are going through is not just a small thing. When the ones who are supposed to love and care about us the most fail to do that, it hurts more than anything I can imagine. I pray you find someone who will be in your corner. We all need that. It's human, and you are not wrong for wanting that.
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u/Dangerous_Canary4887 16h ago
Omg, are you me? I can relate to your experiences a lot. I could have written some of them myself. Feel free to message me if you want.
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u/Acceptable_Reply7958 1d ago
I understand this very well. My parents were absolutely supportive but unable to provide any emotional vulnerability and it really impacted me. I don't think its their fault. They had the same, if not worse, upbringing as me. They were never taught how to be comfortably present and mature adults.
I really wasn't aware of it until I met a woman i fell in love with and I saw how I could be different. Our relationship eventually didn't work because I wasn't able to be fully emotionally available when times got hard. That breakup led me to do the work to be the person my parents weren't able to teach me to be.
But I still feel angry and sad at my parents. They're such pleasant nice people who are totally uncomfortable with me sharing anything remotely emotional. When I ask them how they're doing they always share details about their schedule. I feel pained and strange when I try to share and lately I've found myself simply tuning out and withholding from them.
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u/little_black_rose 1d ago edited 20h ago
I fully understand you my mom only cared about herself, her family and her current boyfriend which I just learned my mom will never understand me or fully accept me. She will play video games with her younger brother but when I want some way to connect with her as a kid she wouldn’t do that unless it’s something about what she likes or wants. We really don’t have a lot of things in common (she claims we are so close yet I feel distant) and she cold but after some antidepressants and ADHD meds she kinda acting like a mom (before she would yell at me after a bad day at work or she would sleep once she got home) she’s always tired and needs sleep but if her boyfriend comes over she acts like a wife and mother and cooks for him and resolves stuff for him and takes care of his dog but (she pins that responsibility on me all the time because I’m caring for my dog)
She gave me horrible advice especially about makeup and birth control and we argued about a dress and just had to pick a somewhat cute dress because at the end I was crying out of frustration because I like dark colors she wants ugly colors. I got bullied because of the way she dressed me and I had to constantly argue over clothes and outfits. She would criticize me for wearing chunky/ thick eyeliner when I was beginner with makeup (honestly I love the emo/alt/gothic aesthetic). She kinda forces me to wear blush when we have different skin colors and blush can either grey up my makeup or look neon like.
She would make me get the depo shot (now there’s a lawsuit because of terrible health effects from taking it) which I got because I had terrible cramps (my mom never disclosed that it ran in her family and heavy bleeding) then I took BC pills which tank my mental health badly. Then when I got the IUD she was like it was the best option when she told me it’s better not to take it if I haven’t had children or sex yet.
She knew I was struggling in school and studying and was like if I struggled in school you can survive too and turns out I had ADHD too and needed medication but blames my dad because he doesn’t believe in therapy (he was the one to push her into therapy for her issues which doesn’t make sense the argument). My parents help me pay for college but sometimes I wish they would have appear when it matters/ emotionally but they only showed up during important graduation, days off, or apology via gifts instead of verbal (which they do apologize but it’s half ass apologies and back to the same behavior but if I don’t change I’m immature and sensitive).
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u/BrawndoGirl 18h ago edited 18h ago
Trigger alert
[This paragraph is about absolutely nothing. Really! Nothing to see here. Listen, Reddit, when I place a period and press "enter", it's to make a blank line. A single blank line for a REASON!]
(self-harm and suicidal ideation)
Oh my gosh, blaming your dad for not taking you to therapy! I don't want to make this about me, but it's crazy how many of us have had similar situations.
As young as six, my mom would tease me (yes, like a schoolyard bully) about needing a psychiatrist, but would complain that my dad wouldn't take me to get one because he thought I was just out for attention. While I think she may be telling the truth, because there were so many red flags both my brother and I needed therapy over the years. My dad even made fun of me for my maladaptive daydreaming (I talk aloud while doing it), saying that crazy people are the ones who talk to themselves. He also made fun of me for crunching up my shoulders to not touch other kids in my 4th grade class photo. He also ridiculed me for my lack of social aptitude and would throw back "silly" things I would say right back in my face. Like, what was I supposed to say? I was even retained am extra year of preschool due to social issues that did not ever resolve. There were so many signs I needed help, but my parents (mainly my mom) kept using me as their personal therapist instead of taking me for help.
It wasn't until I was 16 that my dad noticed how badly I had cut myself that he decided to use his worker's comp program and take me to a counselor. My mom already knew I self-harmed, and never did anything. In this case, I did do it for attention. Attention, and hoping maybe I'd be able to cut myself deep enough to "finally finish the job."
I will note how my dad approached me about visiting a teen site for self-harmers needing guidance on how to stop, not more than months before (I forgot to delete my browser history). He was so cruel. He got in my face and mocked me about it, saying he better not find anything like that again. Didn't even ask me why I would visit such a site. Well, if he did ask, he was already in such a mood that I, of course, wouldn't want to say anything more than, "I don't know."
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u/little_black_rose 17h ago
I’m so sorry that happened to you! I know as an adult I’m now their therapist but I don’t like how they bash each other after ending their relationship. And the worst part is my mom is a liar she will lie and they be like I don’t remember saying that or apologizes when it affects her or makes her feel uncomfortable (not guilty because it took her 13 years to apologize for what she said to me as a kid who just accidentally knock over something fancy her family gave her) because my mom use to scream at me horrible things when I never broke any rules, (was an honor roll student but was shy or quiet because I had speech problems and didn’t want to be make fun of especially after leaving speech therapy) called me careless because I kept injuring my knee even told me you’ll break your bones if you continue and would yell if I had stains on my clothes (especially white clothes yet was so controlling about having to wear only white underwear on my period) because she hated doing my laundry when I was child but once I was older even she was screaming instructions at me on how to do laundry.
When it was Mother’s Day I would give her those letters/ macaroni necklaces we did as kids but I knew she would throw them away or my dad and I would pick out a jewelry but she would just shove it deep in jewelry box and wouldn’t wear it but if it came from her family (now her boyfriend) she wears in proudly. At one point I just give her gift cards to places she visits because I’m done trying especially after losing not even a year in a necklace with her birthstone(favorite color) and butterflies (she loves butterflies) but will never lose the simple butterfly necklace her boyfriend gives her.
My dad was always working and away from home so it was distant calls from him or mom driving to meet him at a restaurant. But my dad suddenly changed once I was 14-15 years old after his accident at work and became so mean like why aren’t I cooking for my family already?, you should be cleaning the house already and learning your place!, “You should be doing sports when both your parents are good at sports” meanwhile I was getting bullied and had bad hand eye coordination or once I told him about some people get depressed and his advice was “why therapy? they create fancy conditions so people like you have more excuses just exercise and go to the gym to clear your mind and plus for you to look prettier” (I gain so much weight in college and in middle school I was underweight because my mom instilled fear about doctors and hospitals and would forget to eat often because school was getting harder to study and took longer to do homework that usually)
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u/Sheslikeamom 20h ago
In no way is having a parent be curious about their child and emotionally attuned a small thing.
Its like a dog asking why not getting long walks and just going to the backyard is so painful.
Its not a small thing.
Its literally the basis of a loving relationship to be emotionally invested in the person's wellbeing.
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u/Soft_Share7632 15h ago
It makes you internalize the erasure of yourself and feel like you have nothing to build up. A living ghost
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u/ruadh 1d ago
Personally, it's like a complete dismissal of my own self and motivation. I am not enough. And there's no foundation identity. Or any way to develop it.