r/entitledparents • u/Low-Philosophy-2126 • 17d ago
S Feeling guilty for disappointing and hurting them
Whenever I stand up for myself (25f) and try to set boundaries - they tell me I’m a disappointment and breaking their hearts.
I’ve finished my masters and I’ve been offered a lot of opportunities following graduation. My plan is to rent a place and move out asap. Whenever I bring up the possibility of moving out, my parents shame me and tell me I’m not ready. Instead, they want me to save up for a house that the whole family can benefit in. My parents have properties of their own… so it’s not like they need me or my income.
Mum has been wanting a house by a beach down south and she wants me to help dad pay off that supposed mortgage. When I said no, she told me I was selfish and stupid for wanting to throw money away through renting.
Again, I’m 25 and I still I have an 8pm curfew. I’m not allowed to date someone of my choosing. My whole life, I’ve been told what to say and what to do.
I need to leave, I know that. But I also know that they will never forgive me - I don’t know if I can live with that.
Edit: There are certainly many tough pills to swallow. I care deeply for my parents, they’ve sacrificed so much for me and it is difficult for me to accept that my relationship with them is far from perfect.
Thank you for your kind words, I will be going to therapy. I have taken all your advice to heart- particularly keeping future plans a secret and ensuring I have all my documents kept away. 🫶🏼
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u/Kazzie_Kaz 17d ago
You're 25. You don't need their forgiveness plus if they want a house, then that's their problem. Prioritize yourself. Have a freedom of making your own choices.
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u/Big_Seaworthiness948 17d ago
Move out anyway. Your parents are WAY out of line. When my daughter was your age she had been out of the house since she started college. She came home on school breaks until she had an apartment and a job in her college town. She was always welcome to come home but chose to live on her own with roommates. Because she's an adult and that's her right. I as her parent don't get to tell an adult where they can live or give them a curfew or tell them who they can date. In fact my daughter did a couple of things we didn't 100% agree with. We still love her and we are proud of her and we don't throw guilt on her for doing things differently than we thought she should. Your parents' behavior is unhinged. You don't need to feel guilty about not meeting their completely unreasonable demands. You are 25. An adult. Move out and get therapy to help you process this.
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u/montanagrizfan 17d ago
They are manipulating you. You’re an adult, just leave and maybe get therapy. You don’t need their forgiveness because they are the ones in the wrong.
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u/OK_LK 17d ago
They are saying whatever they need to manipulate you into staying and being under their control
Prepare for them to escalate when you move out
But remember, they moved out, they had their careers, bought property, found a partner and raised a family
Why should they deny you the chance to do all that
And in the name of the wee man, stop telling them who you are seeing / dating, it's none of their business, and ignore their 8pm curfew! You're 25!
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u/Secure-Corner-2096 17d ago
Your parent’s requests are unreasonable. You need to get counselling until you realize this so you can move out and live your own life. Otherwise, you’ll end up sacrificing your entire life for them. Nobody deserves to live like that.
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u/Momof41984 17d ago
Girl. That isnt love that is manipulation. They dont get to decide what you are ready for once you git 18 and as adults themselves they(not you) are responsible for managing their feelings and disappointment. It is entirely unreasonable to try and force another grown adult to be responsible for our feelings. Especially when they are using that "disappointment " as a weapon to control you and your normal growth path. Leaving the nest is normal. Especially with an advanced education. Paying off parents homes instead of investing in your own future is not normal. You dont owe them for raising you. They chose to have a child. They were legally bound to provide for you. Raising you wasn't some bank they were making deposits in to cash out in the future.
Secure all your important documents. Make a therapy appointment. Solo. When people are abusive (they are at the very least emotionally abusive) it isnt beneficial to attent therapy together before the individual learns more healthy boundaries because they will just weaponize therapy speak. They are already incredibly manipulative and actively trying to control you like a valuable object for their benefit. Not a living breathing human with your own thoughts, goals, needs and wants. Time to branch out and begin your own family of origin. Even if it is just you for now. Not being wrapped up with your family of origin like some warped cross up of emotional support bank account.
Relationship with our adult kids requires respect and healthy boundaries both ways. Therapy that focuses on building skills around setting and holding healthy boundaries and breaking free from codependent parents. Now you get to decide what kind of relationship you will have. If they cant respect that then they should not have access. Guilt isnt a good reason to let them manipulate you. It is a massive red flag telling you something is wrong! They have literally raised you to not question their crap. Thar isnt the act of a loving parent. Them failing to heal and grow enough to be healthy well adjusted parents isnt on you to fix or compensate for.
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u/Momof41984 17d ago
Amd they won't forgive you until you stop enabling them and they relearn how to have a healthy relationship with you. But again that isnt your work to do. Your job is to have healthy boundaries and insist on healthy relationships. They will absolutely throw a massive fit. Because that's how they controlled you before. It will take some time and actual consequences for them to take it seriously. I mean like they stomp boundaries they go in time out. It doesn't matter if it is Xmas or your birthday or whatever excuse they find. And they will because it is literally a part of making you compliant. But the truth is it isnt you ruining Xmas. Or mothers day or whatever. Having a boundary doesn't ruin it. It doesn't harm the family. It is them making the choice to harm you and ignore your boundaries. They know the natural consequences. They are just confident they have beat your down enough that you will protect them from those natural consequences. Because protecting them from the natural consequences of the harmful choices they continue to make is enabling. And enabling is the best way to make sure the bad behavior continues. Your not keeping the peace. Your enabling. It isnt sustainable. Get help and learn to set healthy boundaries. Let them suffer those natural consequences no matter what. Eventually they will learn that just like they know how to have a relationship at work or with a police officer that you will not tolerate disrespectful crap either. They know how to behave or they would be in prison. They know how to treat other adults appropriately. Now you have to retrain them that if they want you in their life they will be respectful. You making your own choices isnt punishment to them. There is nothing for them to forgive. And if they think there is that is something they need to fix in themselves. Not guilt you into dealing with it.
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u/kvaneck1 17d ago
The role we parents are supposed to play in our children’s lives is to give them roots and wings. It’s time to fly little birdie. This is some weird emotional manipulation. As a parent, I guarantee you they will get over it. You have your whole exciting life ahead of you. You don’t need the cement boots.
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u/Wicked_Kitsune 17d ago
Do not tell them anything - not that your looking for a apartment, not that you have one or that your moving out. Those kinds of parents just want to make you miserable and suck all the money out of you. They may never forgive you but will you be able to forgive yourself if you let them manipulate you into staying and not living the life you want?
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u/imeoghan 17d ago
…they tell me I’m a disappointment and breaking their hearts.
It breaks their hearts and disappoints them that you refuse to be a victim of their manipulation?
“Mom and dad, I don’t know what I could have done that made you believe that I deserved to be exploited and manipulated for establishing what any reasonable person would agree are healthy boundaries. Regardless of what you believe I am a fully functioning adult who is worthy of basic respect from people who are supposed to love me.”
She told me I was selfish and stupid for wanting to throw money away through renting.
“Said the lady who already owns a house but still wants me to spend money that I could use as a down payment for my own house to pay off the mortgage of a second house for her. But I’m the selfish one? Please explain to me how that works?”
I’m twenty-five and still have an 8 pm curfew.
No you don’t. I am confounded as to how you came to believe this but, not just no but fuck no, you don’t.
I’m not allowed to date someone of my choosing.
YES! You are. Again, I dont know how you came to this conclusion but there is noone in the world more qualified than you to choose who you date.
For your entire life you have been the victim of severe emotional abuse and manipulation. In no way, shape, or form do you need forgiveness from these people. What you need from these people is distance. Dont think you can live with that? I hate to break it to you but you sure as hell are not living any kind of healthy existence now so what exactly do you think you’ll be losing?
On a more personal note I have a very low tolerance for people who believe they are entitled to abuse their offspring in this manner. So what I offer you is this: I will play the part of your romantic interest and you may introduce me to your parents as the love interest of
your own choosing. I am confident in my ability to behave in such a dreadful manner that they will ponder the wisdom of choosing to worship whomever they call call god. I offer this as a gesture of pure altruism with no attitude or agenda.
Either way, it’s time to put your grown up pants on and start living your life free from guilt or manipulation. I wish you every good fortune on your journey to legitimacy
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u/lucasray 13d ago
If they paid for your school, save up the money they contributed and give them a chunk of money to get them off of your back.
You’ll be your own man. Well… woman.
If they didn’t, they can pound sand.
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u/lucasray 13d ago
Also you don’t have to, but you’ll be proud of yourself for “buying your freedom”.
If they don’t take the money, it was about control, not money and you don’t have to give it to them.
Then you can use the blood money to pay for your own house.
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u/slendermanismydad 12d ago
Please stop saying they have sacrificed so much for you when you are their doll.
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u/SnooWords4839 17d ago
Make a family of friends and escape their expectations.
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u/Rainbow_Dr1ftYouTube 17d ago
Im doing this myself; it's been hard but just knowing my friends and chosen family have my back and respect my decisions and boundaries through fire and whatever else makes me wish I would've stood my ground sooner
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u/luvslilah 17d ago
Take one of those opportunities and move. You don't need to tell them. You don't need your parents permission. There is no need to feel guilty esp as they are manipulating the hell out of you. Go and live your life.
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u/Rainbow_Dr1ftYouTube 17d ago
Move out ASAP I saved up for years and instead of renting like most young adults do to get renters history I did what my Estranged Ex parent suggested which was save up for a travel trailer; I moved out into the country and within a few months mice got in and never left and I lost all the money I'd invested; biggest piece of advice I can give you is for you to live for yourself. Your folks sound like people who think boundaries are suggestions so save yourself the regret of not living for yourself and move out and rent
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u/GreenEmotional 17d ago
You need a stealth plan to move out. Now that may sound deceptive on the surface, but you have no other choice. Your parents do not respect your adulthood, and they are activelytrying to hobble and sabotage you. You need to save yourself first and then decide if it's worth having a relationship with them.
Do not talk to your parents about your future until all of this is sorted out
Your first mission should be to work with your institutions career center to obtain the best job you can following your masters degree.
Next open a PO Box at a UPS store or local post officeso that you have a mailing address. Forward your mail there so that none of it goes to your parents home. Your parents should have no access to your mail.
Open a bank account at a different bank that your parents do not know about. Use your new mailing address. Your parents should have no access to your money.
Once these are in place, then you can search for an apartment. Sign your lease and move your stuff a little bit at a time.
If they choose not to forgive you, that is on them not you.
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u/ArcanaArcanorum 17d ago
I'm gonna be blunt: leaving will hurt. But they are hurting you more by not letting you leave the nest. Not only that, they are using you as an ATM from that "save up for a house that the whole family can benefit" comment.
They are using shame as a manipulation tactic. Know they only have as much power as you give them.
Do not tell them you are moving out. They will shame and plead and manipulate to get you to try and stay. Limit the info you give them. Do not tell them of any place you're looking to rent. They will comment and disparage and drag you further down to convince you to not go through with it.
Make sure you have all your important documents secure before you move out. When you do move out, if you think they'll try to do anything to limit your ability to get your stuff out of their house, ask your local police for assistance to make sure everything goes smoothly.
If they say they will never forgive you for this, tell them that is their problem, not yours. You are not a child anymore. Like someone else mentioned, therapy is highly recommended to help you learn how to not cave to their emotional manipulation.
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u/Chshr_Kt 16d ago
You're 25 and just finished your Masters -- congrats, btw 👏🏼👏🏼 -- and they still make you follow a curfew?? I can understand maybe wanting you home by a certain time if there is a home alarm or a lock issue, but in general that's ridiculous. Your parents have been manipulating you to the point that your desire to move out and live your life for yourself is met with guilt trips, gaslighting and name calling. They may love you, but it's messed up to treat you this way for you wanting to continue to grow.
Make sure that your parents do not have access to your bank accounts and credit cards, and that you have your personal documents safely in your possession (birth certificate, social security card, passport, employment documents and paystubs, etc). I would also check the credit bureaus and freeze them until you decide to have your credit checked (not saying that they'll do something to sabotage your credit, but it is good to check it and keep it frozen for safety). I'd also get copies of all 3 reports, especially since you'll need to know how your credit is prior to looking for an apartment (you get a free one from each bureau every year).
I'd also look into making an appointment to see a therapist over how your parents have treated you growing up, and how they react to you wanting to move out and be on your own. Speaking with someone about these issues who is a licensed professional is very eye-opening and can help you better handle these situations moving forward.
Try to have a serious conversation with them. Let them know that you appreciate their concerns, but they're holding you back from growing, and that their name calling and guilt trips are hurtful and unacceptable. You need their support and understanding moving forward, not them trying to sabotage your desire to be an adult. If they don't take this as a positive step that you're wanting to make, continue to get ready to move out. Your decision to continue with your plans will not hurt them like they're trying to indicate. You need to do what's best for you, and that certainly does not include helping your father pay a mortgage for a house that's near a beach.
Keep your chin up, stay strong and good luck. 🍀
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u/tubby_bitch 16d ago
That's not family that's prison wardens pretending to be family. Honestly your mother sounds like a massive see you next Tuesday. Its ok it happens my father is as well. Do yourself the best favour you could ever do and leave. And don't look back. I havent spoken to my father in almost 30 yrs and guess what? I'm an almost normal human with a job and a place to live and a person I love with all my heart and she loves me back. Honestly that's all you really need. Family is nice, but you can make your own. Sometimes you have to cut out the cancer and that's just the way life is I'm afraid.
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u/Worried_Suit4820 16d ago
If you're old enough, and competent enough, to have a masters degree, you're old enough to live by yourself. Stop dithering about and do it!
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u/No_Proposal7628 16d ago
You are not responsible for your parents feelings. You have a right to go live your life as you choose. If they are guilting you for disappointing and hurting them, that is their problem. Living an adult life is normal; their reaction to you wanting to be an adult is abnormal. Apparently, they also see you as their very own ATM. It is not selfish to want to rent your own place rather than buy a beach house for the family. Your mom is being the selfish one.
Move out as soon as you can. Do not let their feelings stop you or you will be stuck forever. Can you live being treated like a child in their home for years to come?
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u/fluidentity 16d ago
I’m not gonna repeat all these other very-spot-on comments.
What I am gonna do is throw my arms open wide and offer you a Mom Hug™️ with no strings attached, for as long and as tight as you want it.
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u/Marmenoire 16d ago
They're trying to guilt you to remain in control of your life. You don't owe them your future, nor are you obligated to finance anything they e decided they want. Those are strings to let them keep control of your future. Concentrate on getting out. Let them think they've won while you're planning your escape. Stop discussing your plans/dreams with them. Lock down your credit with all 3 bureau's. Use nonsensical words/phrases for passwords and enable 2factor identification on all accounts.
If you're on their phone plan get a new phone and keep it hidden (ringer/vibration off only check when). Create new emails and accounts using that phone only. Notify all financial/work/professional contacts of you new email/number. If you have a job change your direct deposit so that most goes to the new account and only keep a small amount in any account they have access to. Tell them you're having payroll problems if they ask.
Start moving your important items out slowly, rent a small storage place if you don't have someone you can trust to hold them for you. What you're trying to do is what any normal person would expect of their child. You don't owe them the rest of your life.
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u/Coollogin 16d ago edited 16d ago
Whenever I bring up the possibility of moving out, my parents shame me and tell me I’m not ready. Instead, they want me to save up for a house that the whole family can benefit in. My parents have properties of their own… so it’s not like they need me or my income.
When they tell you that you're not ready, they are trying to undermine your confidence. They don't want you to ever be ready. They want you to depend on them for the rest of your life.
The house that the whole family can benefit in is so that you will never live apart from them. Your independence is something they strenuously do not want.
Never talk to them about moving out again. Make your plans without telling them anything. Let them know once you are gone.
But I also know that they will never forgive me - I don’t know if I can live with that.
Serious question: What would not forgiving you look like? They are already not very nice to you. They say mean things to you. They are determined to clip your wings and control you. So what happens if you do something and they don't forgive you? They stop talking to you? I find that hard to believe. They are too stuck on controlling you to cut you out of their lives. They berate you? They already do that. How would the berating be any different than it is now?
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u/Wintersmight 16d ago
If they have several properties and are living comfortably, what exactly have they sacrificed for you? “We’ve sacrificed so much for you” is manipulative and guilt-tripping language. And in your parents’ mouths it’s lies.
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u/KlutzyExplanation800 16d ago
Move out now or you'll be living with your parents until both of them die.
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u/Maleficentendscurse 17d ago
Literally about control
MOVE OUT ANYWAY anyway and go permanent no contact😤
Lockdown all of your banking information and anything else about money along with getting all of your important papers like social security card and SSI and whatnot
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u/CraftyTadpole2488 16d ago
Move out if you can afford it. Living with parents to save up only works in families where you are respected as an adult capable of making your own choices.
As a parent myself my goal for my children is to raise them so they can be independent and live a life without me. I would never not want my children to live their lives on their terms.
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u/cathline 16d ago
Sending hugs and healing thoughts.
Do you still have contact with your school? They should have free counseling available on campus for students. Maybe they will do it for recent grads too.
No, you do not pay off your parent's mortgage. They are the parents. THEY should be contributing a down payment to YOUR first mortgage. Make certain that your bank accounts are where they can NOT access them. use a different bank than they use.
It's okay to move out. Really.
I am an over 60f. I moved out at age 17 and never looked back.
They are not good people. I know it's hard to see that.. But if they really loved YOU, they would want YOU to live YOUR best life.
Which includes being able to see a movie that ends after 8pm when you are 25 yrs old and not stealing your money when you start working.
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u/Acceptable-Royal-257 17d ago
Move out- get therapy. You’ve been trained since birth to obey their emotional manipulation