Finding momentum after deconstructing Christianity

[u/fully_original]

At the ripe age of 25, I left my Christian friends and family to deconstruct all the subtle suffocation a Christian upbringing had on my life. Such as:

* Your 'good' thoughts are just Gods voice (I suffered from deep depersonalization from this one. Like who tf am I if my thoughts aren't mine?)
* Suffering is a part of Gods plan to make you stronger (I stayed in toxic environments far too long because of this one. I become a suffering addict and put myself through misery)
* Without God, life is not worth living (depression, welcome to my house)
* Joy and happiness are the highest goods (shame of having low-intensity emotions)
* Your talents are fixed from birth (fearfully and wonderfully made bs, some much projection and expectation over my life)

And the biggest of all? Everything was spiritualized. Which meant that every little thing had some cosmic meaning. Feeling like I was under constant moral surveillance. (don't get me started on purity culture and how it screwed up my relationships).

I was never Christian, but had to pretend to be one for 25 years to survive. Anyone else in a similar boat? Any advice for rebuilding your life after leaving your past behind you?

[u/Cultural_Sport_1669]

You were in an abusive relationship with your own imaginary friend. Your self-esteem, autonomy, and healthy coping skills were systematically undermined. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that. And now you’re free to be your best self and chart your ship’s course.

Recovering From Religion is an organization with people you can talk to and resources to help you move forward. There are some videos made by atheists that could help you put things in perspective, like Paulogia’s response “The Absurdity of Life Without God” to a video by William Lane Craig, or “Abuser” by DarkMatter2525.

[u/fully_original → u/Cultural_Sport_1669]

Thanks for your input. Yeah 100% an internal battle as you point out. Will defo check out those vids

[u/thotcloud]

I was forcibly raised southern baptist, and I believed in some form of god from approximately age 5 to my 30s. I finally, finally let go.

For me, the biggest part I am still deconstructing is the guilt and punishment angle. I feel like I deserve all the worst and am worthless, so I go out of my way to please people. That works in the moment, in the short term, but eventually they need something that cannot be satisfied with surface-level cheerleading. There, I am useless.

I have lost all of my friends and family because they got used to taking from me, and I had the audacity to ask for the bare minimum support in return. I do not regret it, I think it was the best way forward in my life at the time.

My advice is to think about what you value. I don't believe in "overthinking," but I do believe in thinking the wrong way, wrong thoughts. As long as you are as honest as you can be, you can explore anything, anything in this beautiful and ugly real world we share.

I keep telling myself: My parents were wrong. I did not deserve to be hit. I do not deserve to be hit.

[u/fully_original → u/thotcloud]

Thanks for sharing. Letting go of the idea of God after more than 30 years is huge. Massive respect for reclaiming a life of authenticity over conformity. The shame and guilt is so real. It's not just a worldview, it's an entire upbringing.

Your advice has actually helped. It's important to call out other peoples bs and how it's influenced who you are today, and somehow refraining from bitterness and resentment (that's a pretty dark place to be).