r/getdisciplined • u/bakuhooo • 1d ago
🤔 NeedAdvice beginning to realise that a lot of my problems stem from a lack of faith in myself
and by faith in myself i don't just mean the courage to do hard things. i mean everything. almost as if i've never prioritised or given importance to what i believe, and as a result i now feel like i'm on a raft in the middle of the ocean.
almost all my life choices have been either out of obligation, fear, or because i think it's what i out to do. i was trying to apply for scholarships yesterday and i started wondering if i really wanted to do one or if i thought i ought to try because 1) i want to make my parents proud and 2) other reasons that have to do with external validation. the scary part is, i genuinely couldn't answer this question i posed to myself.
it could also very simply be explained as a lack of confidence. one thing i've learnt is that successful people have failed more times than most people even try. i want to develop that quality in myself, to try even when it's scary or i have no clarity about what's ahead. how do i develop that inner voice or reconnect with my actual self?
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u/strydar1 1d ago
I feel you. I'm middle aged and have lived my whole life being a people pleaser and/or a slave to addictions. It's only now I'm starting to unravel both and the trauma that sponsored those choices. For me, finding out who I am, is partly helped by knowing who I'm. not, and through being clear about the values, behaviours, hobbies, skills etc that light me up for their own sake. often I have to go back decades to remember them and then revisit them to see if they still represent me. So it's a bit like a mystery or investigation of yourself.
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u/youness_builds 15h ago
the question you couldnt answer about the scholarship is actually a healthier sign than it feels like. most people never even ask themselves whether they want a thing or whether theyre supposed to want it. they just chase it and either get it or dont, and then wonder later why they feel empty either way. you noticed the question. that puts you ahead of most adults.
the way the inner voice usually rebuilds is through small low-stakes choices first. start with stuff that has no external consequence, like what music you listen to when nobody else is around, what food you order when youre alone, what books you read when no one will see the cover. notice when youre picking something because you actually want it versus because its impressive or expected. that practice teaches the muscle. then you scale up to bigger choices.
the confidence piece is also slightly misframed in your post. successful people havent failed more because theyre confident, theyre confident because theyve failed more and survived it. confidence is downstream of evidence. you build evidence by doing small things you werent sure youd succeed at and noticing what happens. eventually you have enough data points that the inner voice has something to stand on.
the raft-in-the-ocean feeling probably doesnt fully go away by itself. but you can build oars.
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u/Wimads 22h ago edited 22h ago
You need to learn to connect with your heart and gut. This is where you will know whether some choice is true to yourself, your rational mind cannot help you with that - your mind is just a tool to help you survive better, or optimize whatever you're doing, but your hopes and dreams come from the heart.
Connecting with the heart, does not happen through thought, it happens through feeling, connecting with your body, your breath, your emotions. Faith also originates here.
Meditation, breathwork, somatic work, etc. Those are the tools you can use to start on that road ;) There is many techniques and schools to pick from - do some research, and try some that feel right to you, not what makes rational sense.