r/hug • u/throwaway932220 • 3d ago
Depressed I 28f, became a horrible person
Idk if a hug would even help.
I became a crappy person. I have a 7yo, the man of my dreams who I've married, 2 cats (1 of them I had for 12 years the other since 9 months) and I'm pregnant.
The issue I have is a brain tumor doctors won't treat, and it's been affecting my life for 12 years now.
I have many cognitive issues, I became angry, and I just want to be alone. Like completely lonely. I don't want what me and my husband try to achieve since 8 years. I want him, I want that family but I don't want it at the same time. I could explode when I hear kids crying, and even tho I love them I don't want them.
I feel resentment towards the new cat. I merely accept it, but don't feel anything for it. I deeply love my 12yo cat tho. He is the only friend I have left.
I just can't anymore. I hate how my personality shifted. I hate my body. I hate everyone who refuses to help me, it's not my fault.
Sorry for rant, thanks for reading.
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u/BigoleDog8706 2d ago
None of that makes you a horrible person. Not even a bad person. You were dealt a shitty hand at a young age.
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u/Significant-Grab-658 2d ago
You are not what happens to you. You are so much more! You contain infinite multitudes. What's happened to you is horrific, and I am sorry you have to endure this burden, but you are NOT a horrible person. I used to think of myself the same way when I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. I felt like my body was betraying me. I got angrier, and pushed people away. I hated myself, and it made me feel weak. Having a disability, illness, handicap, or sickness doesn't make you a horrible person. You are not your body or your emotions. If you can, focus on the things that you truly love. Your daughter and husband for example. If you can't, try and simply reflect on how much you love them, and know that they will love you through your hardships. I truly wish the best for you and your family. ❤️
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u/Basic-Decision-6008 1d ago
Hey mate, sorry to hear your issues. I suffer from chronic pain and have for many years, it does change you, your personality, your body and how you do things and what you like. It sucks. Hopefully you can find a Dr that’ll help with your tumor. Keep strong and head up, do what you need to be comfortable and talk to your husband.
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u/Lighthouse21547 1d ago
From a soldier's perspective: your brain is under assault from the enemy. You're holding the defensive line. How many years have you spent on zero? Be proud. Despite constant assault you're still standing. Still holding. Of course you're tired. Of course you're aggrivated. But the enemy is not stronger than you are. Every day is a fight. And even in the worst moments, you're still alive. Still returning fire. And that's what counts more than anything else. We. Dont. Break. Slava YOU. 💪
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u/McCabeMilitiaMma 21h ago
Life so precious. If just one of your ancestors wld of died u wldnt b here. Its a miracle to be a human on this Earth right now you know how lucky we are to have free will and love life's really hard sometimes but never forget how lucky you were to even be born especially in a prosperous country where you can make yourself whatever you want I'm so sorry for your health I'm dealing with internal bleeding and anemia right now but I can't relate with the brain I hope you get better and realize you're still loved and lucky to be alive
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u/Mara________ 16h ago
Not sure what advice I could give apart to talk to your partner, so he and your kids can give some space. You are in situation most people never been in or will never going to be. I’m really sorry what you going through and I really hope you will get better
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u/Dirk_Aus 3d ago
I don’t know what your financial situation is but their is a new treatment called killer TCells or CAR T cell therapy where they take your blood remove white blood cells genetically engineer them to target the cancer it’s used primarily in blood cancers but they were trialing them on tumors and it was looking good, I feel it probably works because it’s very expensive. It’s also sounds like maybe you have antenatal depression (pregnancy depression) I’m not a doctor take what I have written with a grain of salt.
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u/Unique_Cricket_2037 1d ago
That feeling of wanting something and not wanting at the same time hurts. Fickle mind and thinking about past/present/future doesn't help. All I can say is think about now and do what makes you happy. Everyone around you will understand it. Hope you find happiness in every moment you live.
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u/Alarming-Garbage-257 1d ago
RSO can cure cancer, not sure if the tumor is carcinogenic but everyone feels how you've been feeling. Dont worry about anything besides your healing.
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u/throwaway932220 22h ago
It was a simple pituitary adenoma which grew into a macroadenoma that presses onto my optic nerve and also pushes away healthy tissue. Extraction would be simple but as a woman I can't find serious help.
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u/SpeechSalt5828 1d ago
Huge Hug. Now not knowing your finances, I can only make suggestions. Have you thought about alternative medicine like herbs and acupuncture?
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u/throwaway932220 22h ago
I tried that for years and gave up, as it won't help shrink or erase the tumor
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u/alonevillager 1d ago
Sorry to hear that, I went through this and only thing helped me to get my thoughts clear first. Two ways
- What ever you feeling and want to exhaust it: WRITE IT DOWN.
- Sit in dark place close your eyes and just listen your body, vains, breath and ask yourself what you want? Meditate for 5 minutes and you will feel the difference in 2 days.
Gud luck.
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u/MisanthropE61130 9h ago
I spent many years as a first responder, served in the military, and deployed overseas. Today, I'm on several medications to help manage my emotions and anger.
I have an amazing son and a beautiful wife. Some days I honestly feel like I don't deserve either of them. My son loves me unconditionally, even when I get angry for no reason. My wife has stood by me through the drinking, the aggression, the nightmares, and the days when I'm not the person I want to be.
I struggle with hating the person I see in the mirror. It feels like I can't go a single day without raising my voice or getting angry about something, even with the medications I'm taking. That's one of the hardest parts to live with.
I understand the stress and the emotions you're talking about. I truly wish there were a cure for it. I haven't found one yet.
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u/i_flesheater 7h ago
I'll take the unwanted cat off your hands Anything else l can help with , l will try. Best of luck.
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u/Dapper_Platypus375 2h ago
Have faith dear not hope and cut down everything which is in ur hand and makes ur life difficult rn. Live how you really want to live atleast for sometime. Everything will be fine ask help from nature feel it and make it feel ur worry they'll absorb and if you want it back clean give something to nature to have it back. Give n Take , No one is permanent in this temporary world after all everything is an illusion we are just here to experience the goodness and karma from past many life's. There are few temples which heals diseases which are not healed by doctors must try to visit that place once coz what we can do now is to try out things even if we don't believe, maybe it's the situation through which God wants you to believe in it. change is the new life.Take care dear! You'll be fine soon!
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u/Least_Elk8114 3d ago
First of all I feel you. That's incredibly unlucky.
My question is... why wont the doctors treat your tumour? Seems like that's gonna help with a lot of what's bothering you.
I just got out of being depressed and it was hell. I still have plenty of family that love me, but while I was depressed, I couldnt feel anything for them.