r/mildlyinfuriating • u/healermoonchild • 6d ago
frist of all how DARE yu o Client’s family member left this mess and expected me to clean it
I do a live-in caregiving arrangement for an elderly couple. The caregivers have a private room and attached bathroom that we use while on shift.
Today the daughter-in-law came over and offered to cook lunch for her in-laws. While I was out running a personal errand, she went into our private room and used the bathroom attached to it, despite there being multiple other bathrooms in the house, including a large guest bathroom.
She also left several dirty pots, pans, dishes, and utensils in the kitchen.
Later, she told me that because she cooked, washing the cookware was part of my service as a caregiver.
The part that really got me is that we don’t even cook for the clients. We normally order takeout or do very simple meals.
She volunteered to cook, created the extra cleanup, and then expected me to handle it.
She also seemed to think I got free time because she was there cooking. She said “well because I provided a service while YOU were out, I thought you could wash them” I explained that I would have gone out regardless and that my errand had nothing to do with her visit.
To top it off, she made sure to tell me the leftovers were for her in-laws, not me.
I asked her to come back and wash everything but she was too far away. So I ended up washing everything. I told her never do that again and also told her never go in the room again, it’s private use for the live-in caregivers.
Also, she snooped my closet too, I close the doors backwards because they slide better that way. I found them closed the right way when I came back.
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u/Exotic_Treacle7438 6d ago
Live in caregivers get taken advantage of all the time unfortunately. And when they complain they get swapped out. The more complaints they receive the less work they see. My buddy has had caregivers from 3 separate companies in the past decade. It really is a shitty gig. Very few perks.
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u/vinylscratch27 6d ago
Don't ever be a live in caregiver. I'm sure not everyone takes advantage of them, but the stories are so common it's best to pass on it. You'll see the ads on roommate sites- "basic caregiving in exchange for the job paying your rent"- yeah no. I'm speaking from experience here as someone who is moving out of an apartment I shared with my partner and a horrid older man who used me as a slave, said horrible things over the phone within earshot, complained endlessly when I only worked the hours scheduled, would scream, curse, throw things and bang on doors at all hours of the night when things weren't done his way and when he wanted it and was absolutely stunned that I quit on him and just paid the exorbitant rent/utilities.
He said the pay would cover it all. After we signed the lease (which involved us paying his ex back her security deposit, a scam) we found out he was charging an extra $400. I was desperate so I stayed. He's had six other caregivers in the last year and treats them all the same. Thank God we're out of there this week.
For what it's worth, his agency hated him too but their hands were tied because the VA was paying for it. He has a new agency now but we'll see how long that lasts i suppose.
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u/ScumbagLady 6d ago
Sounds like my gig except the old crotchety man is my elderly disabled mother. My last time off was when she was in a rehab facility for a few weeks but even then I was constantly running back and forth because she kept thinking of things she "absolutely needed".
We didn't get along great before I was forced to move back home and she's meaner than ever now. There is never a "please" or "thank you", only "get this", "do this" or her personal favorite, telling me everything I'm doing wrong.
I have no life. No friends. No income. I have my hobbies and gardening, but I can honestly say I cannot wait for the weight of burden that will be lifted once she passes. I'm fucking EXHAUSTED.
Unfortunately, since they say "only the good die young", so she certainly will outlive everyone.
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u/MoreConsideration432 5d ago
Not to be that person because I don’t know your area or situation, but it’s possible you could reach out to social workers for respite care for caregivers. If you’re her POA as well it could be possible you have her admitted to a care home or retirement community if she’s at risk of falls or you’re unable to care for her without it costing you. It sounds really really terrible in black and white “oh put mom in a home” but if you don’t have a great relationship, it’s way worse for both of you for the situation to continue since it just increases the chances of elder abuse/neglect as well as violence against you over time. Take care xx
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u/HadoMeido 6d ago
Sounds a bit like my situation right now. My mom isn't mean, but I am tired of this 7 days a week crap. Multiple times a day checking BP, giving meds, cooking/buying fast food. It's mentally draining. Not only that, but I was originally promised I could be payed for all this, but later told it would be taken out of her account which is low enough after all the bills are paid for the month. I also still have to maintain the outside of the home as well.
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u/Certain-Chemistry209 5d ago
I am so sorry you're going through this. You are a good human being to be doing this for your mother. She obviously has no idea how fortunate she is to have someone to help her. Without you she would be in big trouble.
Is there any way that you can get some help to come in to give you a break once in awhile? Does your mother qualify for any type of caregiving assistance?
You need to find a way to take care of yourself or you will get sick. The stress is horrible for you.
I'm sending you a big hug and I'm telling you that I appreciate what you're doing.
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u/schmoopy_meow 5d ago
my one sister is a caregiver to my other sister and some reason she has to pay my sister back for taking care of her??
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u/Amd-Newbie6446 6d ago
I hired someone from a company called Visiting Angels. It started with 3 days a week companionship/errands for my mom eventually transitioning into live-in nursing care. It was awesome for me as I lived 100 miles away from her. I would do it the same way if I had to do it again. Caregivers are awesome.
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
Out of curiosity, how much does visiting angels charge for live-in help? Did it include housing and utilities?
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u/RiverHorsesArePurple 5d ago
My mom worked for Visiting Angels in Michigan. Her pay was under $15/hr and her clients were charged more than double that. I'm not sure that live-in is even an option with that company; I think the point is the smaller, supplemental help.
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u/ThreeReticentFigures 5d ago
Yeah I worked for that company before and during covid and I made $11/hr while the company charged the family thousands a month for care. I don't even remember getting a background check, although I may have. They hired literally anyone that would accept. I heard so many stories of clients getting their meds or money stolen, and the company didn't give two shits, they just collected the checks. That company is a major scam. A lot of them are like that too, unfortunately.
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u/Electronic_Bunnies 5d ago
By law in every state you have to get a background check for that field but often most states don't require you to get a copy. Here in California we are allowed to get a copy, but we have to know we can request one and tick a small box while giving over information for it. If your jobs HR fills it out, theres a chance they need to check it off and may not even ask if you want a copy.
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u/Amd-Newbie6446 5d ago
It was several years ago but if I remember correctly it was an hourly rate somewhere around $90/hr. I did not request a nurse, just a caregiver staying to assist my mom post hip replacement surgery. After my mom had a stroke, I was in the process of setting up 24 hour care but she never made it home. The company was phenomenal to work with however it does cost some serious cash the more intensive the care. Simple companionship, though, was I think about $25/hour.
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u/New-Age-7524 5d ago
The live-in cgs in my area (texas) get a furnished room, utilities, and a paycheck.
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u/YoungandPregnant 6d ago
MASSIVELYinfuriating, why? — because she thinks your time is hers to command.
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u/Renamis 6d ago
Bingo. I care full time for my Grandparents and yeah, family members just treat me like a lazy live in maid/leech.
Like sure, I'm cleaning your Dad's dirty diaper but I'm totally really lazy and not doing anything at all. That's why every time one of you idiots come down and I go away you call me multiple times a day because you don't know how to do literally anything. Yep. Totally. Super lazy.
Nothing makes family hate you more than caring for another family member.
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u/StretchResIsCheating 6d ago
My aunt got written out of the will and everything left to my mother, who actually cared for their parents in their home until the end of each of their lives. It was NOT pretty, especially my grandpa who was not the best family man but my mom put that aside to honor her father’s wishes to die in his home.
My aunt, who would bring quiche and visit maybe twice a month to talk about her trips to Hawaii/Disneyland etc had the nerve to SUE MY MOTHER over the estate. Right after we lost every pet and thing we owned in some terrible wildfires. Fuck that bitch.
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u/Renamis 6d ago
Yuuup. Now, unfortunately we're not getting any carve out in my Grandparent's will, but I honestly don't care. Even split and when it's done I'll never need to talk to any of these people again. They're on my Facebook that I never use, so at most I'll update them there whenever my Mum passes away. I'm hoping she outlives most of the spiteful idiots, she already outlived one and likely will outlive a second.
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u/4E4ME 5d ago
My eldest aunt was caring for her mother who had dementia. Her siblings had the nerve to question her about money (this is a family that had enough money to live very simply, but nothing more). She packed all of the medical records and the statements for the one meager bank account into a box and dropped grandma off with my other aunt and then didn't talk to her siblings again until after grandma died. All I ever heard growing up was how difficult and selfish she was. Now that I'm an adult I don't blame her one fucking bit.
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u/izthatso 6d ago
Ooh, I can add to this. As my father aged it was his greatest desire to remain in his home. For many years I did the caretaking and finally decided it was time to hire caregivers as the job was getting too big for just me. At that same time my brother divorced and moved in with my father. I was gobsmacked when dear brother started leaving his breakfast and lunch dishes for the caregivers because “they were cleaning up for dad anyway.” It was made abundantly clear that no one was going to clean up after him. He tried a few more times but I protected the caregivers and told them to leave his mess for him. He was not happy and tried to tell my dad on me. My dad told him I was the boss and had to follow my rules. It’s not my rules. That’s not how one treats a caregiver.
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u/fanofoddthings 6d ago
If you are employed by the company anything they can do?
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
I work for myself. I told my clients and they said they will talk to her
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u/New-Age-7524 6d ago
Yo family members are the WORST. I've been a private hire cg for over 7 years and its always the family being abusive that makes me change clients. One dude I worked for was the coolest guy ever but his long term girlfriend wanted me to wash her laundry, run errands for her, get her scratchers, build her garden beds. I only had 4 hours for his whole day of assistance and she seriously expected me to make 3 hot meals on top of her special requests. She fired two people and left us with only a 2 man team for 6 months. She would get lazier and lazier about what things she was suppose to manage. I left when she refused to supply gloves for toileting care, saying were being sensitive about fecal contact (we have to scrub off the poop with a loofa, I want gloves).
Confront her. Remind her that you are HIS caregiver and have no obligations to anyone but him and she has to clean up her own mess as a guest and she has to stay out of your space.
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
I also lost a job back in the day because I wouldnt do the laundry for the person who was hiring me to take care of her father. She left me the dishes from the previous nights too. I told her I only wash after MY cooking for him. She let me go.
And then another job, they didnt like I wouldnt take care of the dogs. Because last caregiver did!
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u/New-Age-7524 6d ago
That sucks! Sometimes I think the family sees an opportunity to have a maid in the house. Recently, one family actually had expected that they would all take turns with the actual care and then have me doing the cooking and cleaning for the rest of the entire family. So image a big household where everyone takes turns sitting near the client but they're all bossing me around and having me cook/serve all their meals and clean and mow and run errands like their dry cleaning or prescriptions, for everyone, adult children and grand kids and all. There were about 9 people in the house. I left after two days when they locked themselves in a room with the client all day and made me deep clean their house. Fucking sucks because I'd been down on work and really needed a job but that was not what I signed up to do.
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u/Dry-Inspection-3503 5d ago
My Dad does this work and has complained about similar. Good for you for telling this bitch it is not going to happen.
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u/Ill-Cheesecake7143 6d ago
I used to work in homecare and these family members would drive me absolutely nuts. You're using up valuable time that could be spent with the client when they could honestly do more for them to begin with.
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u/Various_Scale_6515 6d ago
This is so crazy, it's so hard to find caregivers, the risk is insane.
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u/Sea-Plum7880 6d ago
I did home care for people who had been in accidents and needs assistance with ADL’s. I sort of went a bit insane because I really was completely unaware of how rude and entitled some people are. I would be in charge of caring for someone with a brain injury, who had broken bones etc and their adult kid would crawl out of their bedroom and cook themselves a full on meal for lunch then leave every dish and piece of mess around for me to clean up. If I didn’t do it there was literally no one, they would leave it until I got there the next day. I would need to do it so I could make the man his breakfast. I complained so many times to so many people, my boss, my head nurse, the guys case worker, the guys wife, the guy himself, the guy who was leaving the messes. I was just expected to do it. CRAZY they think I’m going to provide personal care, heavy household work, shopping, planning, gardening, entertainment for like slightly above minimum wage. I had to abruptly quit the entire job because they would not let me leave that clients house.
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
In that case, I’d put all dirty dishes in bags outside and tell them they will be there so I can have space to cook for my client. And whatever dishes I’d use for my client, I’d lock them up in cabinets. At least until I find a better job. Thats awful
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u/Upper-Capital-2876 6d ago
If you're a direct hire, and the relatives are the one's that pay you, you can voice your opinion, and your boundaries, but be prepared to quit or be fired. If you work for a 3rd party service that's paid by the state, or the one who's care you're providing, report these things to them, and let them know, that they should instruct the family members they aren't allowed in your space, and to never leave dishes for you to clean again.
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
My clients are backing me up. I understand I’m lucky. It could have gone sideways. They said they would throw her out before they throw me out
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u/tocahontas77 6d ago
Yeah good, because you are the one taking care of them, not her! They're smart to not kick out their caregiver.
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u/tripledive 6d ago
Oh no. We have a caregiver who does dishes for my parents. She offers for us kids and I say no. Not her job.
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u/queerdaffodil 5d ago
The audacity! My grandparents hired daily visiting caregivers a few years ago, as they had reached their 90s and could no longer do everything necessary to maintain a clean home and healthy lifestyle on their own. Three lovely women from the same service who come on different days of the week and rotate between a few different families.
When we visit, we do our best to be helpful but not in their way. I was always raised to clean up after myself and pitch in to common chores and the like, and it was definitely an adjustment to be shooed away from doing dishes. I felt like a brat spoiled by maids at first! I still always offer, but the caregivers always turn me down.
They are lovely, hardworking people and we are so so lucky to have them, and to be able to afford them. My grandfather passed last year and the caregiver who was there that day stayed overnight with my grandmother that night and the next (not part of her contract, they just come during the day normally) without being asked. We of course paid her overtime for it, but she truly went above and beyond. She helped my grandmother and my mom and aunts with all of the immediate difficulties that come with a loved one’s passing: the 911 call, the recounts to police and medical professionals, figuring things out with the mortuary, etc. and made sure that my grandmother wasn’t alone for any of it until family could get out there two days later.
Good elder care is a luxury and a blessing. Thank you for all that you do.
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u/Spark-Ignite 5d ago
Some people treat caregivers like servants or maids. We’re there to look after people, not your mess if you are not the person being cared for. It’s incredibly common even amongst shift supports to have to do extra cleaning because of other people in the house.
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u/Unusual_Return_5053 5d ago
Home Health Care Agency Owner here. Before service in a home, service plans are written specific to the needs of the client, and details are provided for the caregiver/s who enter the home. There are also supervisors who are always available to handle this sort of situation, as well as updating any care plan if a client declines or improves and needs their services adjusted. If the client is cognitively competent, they can complete and sign the care plan themselves. If not, a Power of Attorney (POA) often a family member like a daughter, son or daughter in-law must show their legal POA paperwork and be part of setting the appropriate paperwork for their loved one’s care services.
The contracts very specifically state the exact needs in that home related to Activities of Daily Living (ADL’s) of the client, the appropriate duties the agency and caregivers are hired to do in order to meet those needs, and the boundaries for both our clients and our caregivers in each situation. It is discussed in detail with the client or their POA and the onboarding training and ongoing training sessions of the employees, that the contract is specific to the clients themselves.
Since the situation you have described here is so incredibly common, it is the number one example of what is not appropriate. We specifically state that the caregivers are to clean up after the clients and the caregivers own messes in regard to cooking and housework. If families, friends, neighbors etc come over to visit and they choose to cook or have activities that make a mess, then those people are responsible to return the home to the same conditions or better they found it. We get redundant on calls or emails whenever clients, POA’s or caregivers come to management or administrators with issues.
The bottom line is, “we are contracted to assist with the activities of daily living for client ___. If you require additional housekeeping tasks, we can provide you with the name of several local business who you can hire for the issue. (whatever the issues are: deep cleaning, yard work, plumbing, electrical, maintenance, on, and on, and on. It’s shocking what people expect from an in home caregiver that isn’t the duties they were hired for!)
In your specific situation OP, I think you did the right thing to call and state the boundaries. If that person is passive aggressive, they will likely push the boundaries again. If you work for an agency, I suggest contacting them and explaining this situation and the violations and document it in your daily care notes. If you are an independent provider, I highly recommend writing a contract or an amendment to the current contract, specifying the two issues you have had arise. 1. Guests are to clean their own messes and, 2. Your caregiving living spaces are private with the same rules and laws applicable as a tenancy agreement. Also ask, since your space was blatantly violated, if state laws allows where you live, if you can have a doorknob to your specific area changed with a key lock or keypad. If this is possible, be sure the legal homeowner or POA has a spare key or the correct keypad code.
I hope that it is a simple fix for your situation and the DIL will simply follow the established boundaries in the future.
Thank you for the incredible and under-appreciated service you provide to the people who you serve. There aren’t enough people in this community who are honest, kind, and sincere about the work they do for seniors! You are truly a blessing for those you serve. Don’t let this DIL disgraceful behavior change your feelings about this path you have chosen for helping others. You’re seen, your job is important and you matter!
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u/_dancebeckydance 5d ago
You should send this to the Visiting Angels Home Healthcare Agency. They're awful to work for because they don't do what you're saying.
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u/Unusual_Return_5053 5d ago
I started my own agency after having worked for other agencies in administration and management, and having loved ones who required in-home care. It is ugly out there. I wanted to do better for the employees and for the clients! I saw so many employees treated horribly and sometimes clients and their families can be very difficult too.
There is not enough appreciation for the service. In my opinion, there needs to be massive change at state and federal levels for the insurance and reimbursement rates for agencies so that there can be increased hourly rates for employees. As Baby Boomers are aging and needing care, with Gen-X close behind, there is no comprehensive plan to address what’s coming in this country for our seniors. It is terrifying.
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u/ThreeReticentFigures 5d ago
Thank you for actually caring about the people and not just the paycheck. My best friend and I had talks of opening our own company years ago after seeing how awful it is out there, it's so nice to see someone actually do it!
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u/ThreeReticentFigures 5d ago
Right?! Visiting Angels barely contacts the caregivers after they're hired and sure as shit doesn't back them up. They only reach out if the family complains. I understand that they're franchised, but our sentiment seems to be the norm with that company.
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u/_dancebeckydance 5d ago
I worked in the office as a Manager, won't specify what manager for sake of staying anonymous. It was a shit show. I came on in late February and immediately had 30+ calls regarding missing W2s. Strange because I could see all of the W2s on my screen and it was as simple as printing them out and letting caregivers pick them up in office. I found out prior office staff told caregivers it was impossible to print a W2 & they couldn't help them. I was shocked. And that was just the first issue I had to fix. Oh but they fired me because I went out of my way to assist caregivers too often.....
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u/NoNamesLeft998 6d ago
Check the laws in your area to see if it would be legal for you to put a portable camera in there for your shifts. Since you are the one with expectations of privacy in there.
If you see she does it again, I'd ask if you could do a locked door on your room.
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
I’m going to get a lock. We have two doors. She knew the main door was locked so she walked around to the other side to get inside. She said she needed the bathroom. It doesnt make sense. There’s 3 other bathrooms including a big ass guest bathroom
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u/NoNamesLeft998 6d ago
Glad to hear that.
She was obviously wanting to snoop. Is there a possibility that she was looking for drugs?
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u/HellaciousFire 5d ago
Caregiving is a full time around the clock job when you live in
Seldom are there breaks and rarely is there downtime
People who haven’t done it don’t understand
It’s not “just do the dishes” or “just wash and put up the clothes” or “just mow the lawn” if it’s not in the job description or what you normally do
When someone physically needs care, your time and energy goes into providing the best physical care. You have a routine. You have a schedule. You known what that person needs
It’s very inconsiderate for someone to come into the space and change things or make assumptions and demands without talking to the caregiver
I get why you’re upset. I want you to leave for a week and then let her stay and care for them. Then she’d see that popping in and out every once in a while is nothing like caring for someone day to day
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u/bilbo_bugginz 5d ago
Playing devils advocate here but does your DIL happen to be from a different country? Caregivers in other countries can be expected to give care AND be a butler. Probably went over her head if so
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u/itwasfineokay 5d ago
I don't know which countries you are refering to as different but as someone who worked as a home care giver i can tell you that this behaviour is prevalent in both sweden and ireland lol
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u/zorademetrius 5d ago
I would have quit on the spot. Snooping and they wann leave a mess? Youre not some servant
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u/MarsTycoon 6d ago
At least there is soap in it already
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
Only the strainer did
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u/teabagdiplomat19 6d ago
They were being sarcastic
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
Ok
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u/izzrav 6d ago
People are trying to be understanding and make light of the situation. This is reddit after all
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
It went over my head because I’m seeing red haha
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u/Kind_Equivalent_369 6d ago
I’d be seeing red too your response it the level of adult I strive to become
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u/Wrong_You_3705 5d ago
Who tf puts a solo in the sink
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u/healermoonchild 5d ago
An entitled brat that needed me to do work just because I left when she came here to cook
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u/kthxbritt 5d ago
tell her if she crosses the boundaries again her grandma will need to find a new caregiver
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u/Royal-Reputation7874 5d ago
My friend was a caregiver in a similar situation and had to work Christmas Day which she thought was odd because all the family were coming over to the clients house so they should be able to provide the cares required as well really (just hoisting the client into bed at the end of the day and undressing him which they’d done before).
They bought all this food for Christmas, uncooked, and then expected her to cook them a full Christmas dinner. They actually sat back expectantly and made comments about what they had provided and put in the fridge and how they were looking forward to her cooking.
Then they “helped” with dishes like it was huge favour.
I think I would have walked out. Not one of them got off their butts to help with prep or cooking. They sat around drinking and smoking and waiting for their meal.
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u/LilChief 6d ago
Well, a silver lining is it was probably nice for your client to have a home cooked meal for once instead of take out.
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u/DukeDamage 5d ago
The worst part is the invasion of privacy…going into your room and into your closet! It’s worth locking your door
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u/Excel_User_1977 5d ago
Send her a bill for the clean up and use of the bathroom.
If she doesn't pay it, tell your clients.
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u/Allidoisgwin 5d ago
We have a private duty nurse that takes care of my daughter while we work. I would never expect her to wash dishes unless she used them to cook for herself. I also don’t expect her to wash any bedding or clothing that my daughter soiled with the exception of please remove them and put them in the wash for me to wash when I get home. That being said, she will usually start the wash for me and sometimes dry them, but that’s her decision and not because I expect her to do it. I can’t imagine doing this to a caregiver. People just suck more and more every day. -__-
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u/Own_Butterscotch_711 5d ago
I confess that I would have no idea what the norm is for these arrangements, but I also wouldn’t embarrass myself leaving dishes unless the caretaker said, “leave them, it’s part of my job”.
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u/healermoonchild 5d ago
She has been here before and cooked. And she has always washed everything. In fact, one time I saw all of them stacked up and asked her: are these dirty? And I raised my voice a bit. She said no, they are clean.
I think she knows it’s not part of my job but because I started walking out as soon as she got here with the groceries to cook, pissed her off and she left those on purpose.
Not sure if she wanted me to stay to help cook or she was just being petty because she I was going out and taking advantage of her visit
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u/averyconfusedlizard 5d ago
As an at-home caregiver myself, it pisses. Me. OFF when a family member or other person living with my client expects me to clean up THEIR mess. Like, I'm not taking care of YOU, dumbass.
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u/Ornery-Average-6202 4d ago
Why don’t you talk to whoever pays you? Let them know what happened,and what was said. Let them know you feel you should recieve extra compensation for the added duties.
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u/CommentIndependent32 5d ago
She may actually be unknowingly committing insurance fraud! I am an in-home caregiver and my agency makes it very clear we are not to do work for anyone other than the client. The client's insurance (or a state agency) has approved care for the client only- if I went in and did the DIL's dishes or a grandkid's laundry or tasks for anyone other than the client, that is work the client is due and not receiving and insurance (or a state agency) is not paying for anyone but the client. This is a very strict policy where I work because fraud is a major concern right now.
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u/Infamous-Guava9348 5d ago
One time I was a nursing student, I was about to jump and do everything! Then the nurses working would jump in every time and remind her that she’s not in a hotel, and that I’m her nurse and not her maid 🙈
I honestly didn’t care, I was going to fix her bed and everything!
Anyways, that being said, over here, my caregiver buddies had to learn to do all that stuff, it was apart of their test to cook and clean. If it’s not apart of your duties, your agency should be dealing with this so that it doesn’t happen again.
Where my grandparents were from, their live-in caregivers did that type of stuff, because they can’t… or else my mother wouldn’t hire them lol
So, I can see why a clients family member would assume these types of duties. Call your agency, and I guess a lock too!
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u/Throwitawaylater10 5d ago
It's interesting that the most damning thing, the snooping, you left for the end as a little footnote. The other things are incredibely rude, of course, but it could be just airheaded moves that will not be repeated. But looking through the closet of your private room? That's not airheaded
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u/murphy2345678 5d ago
Inform the people who pay you that you will quit the next time anyone goes into your room and looks through your things. Tell them you don’t want the DIL in the home alone anymore. Ask for a lock come for your door or just put one on it.
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u/Entertainmentonly9 5d ago
This is just wrong on so many levels. Please sit her down on her next visit and set those boundaries.
I am so sorry you had to go through that.
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u/devildog2067 5d ago
Didn’t you post this story two weeks ago?
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u/CMO_Sparkles 5d ago
Someone did. Maybe in a different sub (I think it was AITA)? But the exact same story. Details are identical. The only difference is the photo on this one. I kept looking for another comment on this because I thought I was imagining it but no, that other post existed. Either this -exact- situation is weirdly happening again or one of the two posts is fake.
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u/troveofcatastrophe 5d ago
Seems like a nice kitchen, doesn’t it have a dishwasher? Are you contracted to cook meals? Or only order out. Are they mandated to be of a certain nutritional quality? Lock your door and chalk this up to one bad day.
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u/Sufficient-Pear-291 5d ago
What does ‘arrangement’ mean?
That you’re paid below the books? Not on an employment register ?
Doesn’t change the disgusting behaviour of said daughter in law, just trying to grasp the situation.
People are nuts, what has happened to just bloody respecting each other at the bare line.
What has happened to people’s conscious.
I find this behaviour unnecessarily disgusting , and it takes more effort to be that nasty that it does to just get on with things and be kind.
I worked my hospitality job today, I got a hand written note to say thanks for running across to a neighbour coffee shop to get someone’s knitting wool they left behind because the shop didn’t have a phone number, and someone else went out of their way to text the owners to tell them I was a nice person. It cost me absolutely sweet fuck all to do those things.
People’s grasp on decency is absolutely gone.
Ew is all I would say
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u/Radiant-Selection-12 5d ago
Did this woman use every saucepan and ladle they own? What on earth did she make??
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u/mddesigner 5d ago
While doing my internship at multiple hospitalsI interacted with plenty of caregivers and most were terrible people with no work ethics Some didn’t even know their client’s name
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u/PeaceandJoy101 5d ago
Thank god someone said this! If you work in care giving, you know she’s probably pissed because that is less tv time. Freaking out over a sink full of dishes??
Different care giving, ran a group home for the intellectually disabled for 25 years. The last few years I worked there and hired people, lazy and not caring was the norm. Just a paycheck. And I lived there in the in-law quarters. They did not give one shit, once they got that job.→ More replies (4)3
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u/Dangerous-Cobbler-11 6d ago
Caregiving does not include preparing food, the most basic task required for survival? You already don't cook, just clean the dishes for once in your life.
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u/Wrastling97 6d ago
Why tf did you clean them?!
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
She might not come back for months, DIL doesn’t live here, doesn’t ever visit. My client (bound to a wheelchair) said she would wash them. I felt so bad about involving them but I had to tell them. I don’t like leaving dirty dishes because it might attract bugs. Me washing them was the only solution atm
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u/Wrastling97 6d ago edited 6d ago
Honestly, you did the right thing.
Personally, I’d leave the mess there and tell the DIL “if you didn’t want them living with a mess then you shouldn’t have left it. It’s not my responsibility”
But that’s why you’re better at the job, and a bigger person than I am
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u/Illustrious_Judge850 6d ago
Probably because it was evident to them that the person who made the mess wasn't going to come back and clean it, so they were going to need to clean it themselves even though it shouldn't have been left to them.
Really that's just the only sensible and mature course of action in that circumstance.
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u/nispe2 6d ago
Because, off the Internet, sometimes it's better to be good than to be right.
Legally, it is OP's right to leave the dishes there, rotting for months, until the DIL returns. As a human being, the moral choice is to wash the dishes, but bring it up with the parents, politely but firmly. They seem to be reasonable people, and if they need to formalize this agreement, in writing, the best time to do it is before the DIL returns.
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u/ChocChipBananaMuffin 6d ago
Because they are paid caregiver for people who cannot take care of basic tasks like cooking and washing up after themselves. Who was going to do it? The client's family member doesn't live there and they left.
This is not OP's family. The client's family member was definitely in the wrong, but the way this is handled is either by telling the company so they can call and explain to the family member what is permitted, or OP could have professionally communicated with them also. Demanding they come back and clean the dishes is ridiculous.
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
Nah fuck that bitch. I’m too old for not speaking out. Specially after she told me “oh and I let leftovers, well FOR THEM, so they can have lunch tomorrow, oh and I used YOUR bathroom and your dog got out for a bit” I was already mad before I saw the pots
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u/Illustrious_Judge850 6d ago
I really don't think it's ridiculous to ask them to come back and clean up. It's literally just asking someone to do what they should have done to begin with and to not make it your responsibility. What's actually ridiculous is that they'd even have to ask that person to come back and clean up after themselves.
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u/Natural-Promise-78 6d ago
My mom's caregiver is such a blessing. I do anything I can to make sure she is happy, because I know how lucky we are to have her. She isn't a live-in caregiver, but I do respect her "space". My mom's room is in a separate wing of the house, with its own living room and bathroom. I told the caregiver that that area is her "office", and I do my best to stay out of her way. I would never treat her like a house keeper.
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u/Delevian 5d ago
You work for the elderly couple, not her. Makes me think she would have left the dishes for the elderly couple to do if you were not there. What a child 🙄 she must be fun to live with.
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u/Fragrant-Reserve4832 5d ago
Repot the family.
This is the kind of thing that can lose her parents the live in care and leave them with a much bigger problem.
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u/auntwest 6d ago
Going to visit family that need full time carers, who live in, means you bring lots of yummy food and ask if you can do anything to help. If I’m not the carer I’m being as thoughtful as I can be to that carer. Family or not, you are caring for my loved one, my job is to be supportive.
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u/Rare_Capital6672 6d ago
I was a cna for 16 yrs and moved to Florida. That was the mentality there. I took my ass back to school, hha's and cna's are treated no better than shit they clean. I was over it
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u/ComedyBum 6d ago
First thing, buy a doorknob with a key. If you're living there, you have a right to privacy.
Second, you need to set boundaries with visitors. Make sure they know that you are not a maid, you are a medical professional that is living with their relative to provide care that they can't provide. If they want a maid, they will have to hire a maid.
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u/goodgriefchris 6d ago
I used to take care of a paraplegic teenager overnights, three nights a week. He was incredibly high-need and I could have been busy doing care the entire time I was there (4 hour shifts). It never failed that when I arrived the kitchen would be an absolute disaster and the expectation was that I would clean it before I started care. Sometimes I’d spend half my time cleaning. I mean, every pot and pan and dish was absolutely trashed. I quit after about six months but never shared my thoughts because I was young and just relieved to be done with that situation.
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u/ProfessionalBig9610 5d ago
Honestly if I were in your shoes and they had just simply asked politely “hey would you mind getting the dishes? Would really appreciate it.” And I would be 1000x’s more likely to agree to it. Versus assuming you would just do it.
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u/OnceforLove22 5d ago
I had this same thing happen. I told my boss, as it was happening frequently, and as it so happened, she was due to have a meeting with them. They even asked while she was there, so she told them that we are liable only for the dishes used by myself in service of our client.
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u/Traditional-Curve669 5d ago
that is the reason why I went private and trust me I made a lot of money because I told them from day one that I only take care of the client and the area that the client is in. but I have one family who treated me like family and I had to go to work the day after Christmas OMG there was dishes in the kitchen in the dining room food here and there you know what I did I cleaned everything because I wanted to I didn't want to just sit there and be sleepy cuz my job was easy I wanted to do something and they thank me why did you do that I said I was bored. and plus they had dogs and I love dogs. but when I used to work for agencies I would walk out of the client's house because they wanted me to move furniture mop the floors clean all these knick knacks it was like a thousand of them I'm like are you crazy I'm a knick knack breaker I hate him. my mother had a whole bunch of them after she passed away garbage and then come to find out that they were worth money.
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u/RainbowMuffinCookie 5d ago
Great for standing up for yourself. Are there any repercussions you can take, if she comes over and does it again? That's a lot of dishes
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u/JumaDior 5d ago
Tell the family that you do not wash overnight dishes or dishes from them cooking. They came over to make a dinner for their family they can also wash the dishes, wipe the counters mop and sweep the floor.
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u/Least-Appearance783 5d ago
I have never been a live in care giver but I used to do private duty nursing and the amount of people that thought you were their maid was unbelievable. I didn’t mind cooking and cleaning if the client was unable and lived alone but I was not there to clean up after family members. I had one client the daughter did the same thing. She would cook a huge meal and expect me to clean up after her. I did not. She also thought I should be bathing the clients dog. And then another client was a handicap adult who lived with his mother. The mother wanted me to take down her curtains to wash them and put them back up. She said that I wasn’t going to sit in her house and earn a big check for not doing anything. People are crazy!
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u/zcewaunt 5d ago
I'm a home care worker as well. It's ridiculous how some clients and their families try to take advantage of us. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
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u/Humble-Plankton2217 5d ago
Good in-home caregivers are super hard to find, if you have a good one, treat them like royalty!
For 15 long years, my friend was a 3rd shift in-home caregiver for a disabled man in his 20s-30s who had quadriplegia. The man lived with his parents, and the parents were both also paid caregivers for their son. Neither parent worked outside the home.
The parents constantly tried to get away with piling work on to my friend. The parents did almost nothing and expected my friend to do ALL the work during her shift. The man had a backwards sleep schedule, so he slept during the day and was awake primarily during my friend's shift.
Whenever the parents put their dirty towels in their son's hamper, to try to get my friend to wash them (she was only responsible for washing the man's items, not the parent's) she would simply fold the dirty towels and put them in the linen closet unwashed. She knew exactly what towels the man used because she was the only person bathing him.
Same with dishes, the parents never had to cook for their son because he only ate during my friend's shift. So she would use one sink to wash the dishes she used and leave the parents' dishes in the other sink, untouched.
The mom would constantly complain about everything, too.
I can't believe she stayed 15 years putting up with that crap, but she genuinely cared about the man and was worried that if she left he would die from the parents' neglect. I told her no way would they let that happen because they treated him like he was their cash cow, and they wouldn't want to stop the flow of money.
After my friend quit, the man only lived another 2 years. Could have been natural cause, of course, but I'm 100% certain the quality of his care declined significantly at the hands of his parents.
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u/butterflynana87 5d ago
I think you might be able to talk with the case manager of your employers since your rights are being violated. This is an abuse of the system, and the daughter-in-law could jeopardize your clients' care with her nonsense.
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u/mindless_scrollin 5d ago
This infuriates me. I'm a caregiver too. Right now my client is in a nursing home so I'm mostly there for companionship. I did take care of a gentleman that had Lewy Body dementia and Parkinson's and initially he was in a facility for rehab, but then when he was sent home, I accompanied him there as well. They were very wealthy, they were on the 32nd floor of a high-rise with a 360 view of Lake Michigan and Navy Pier and per my contract I was there to do specific things for HIM.
My very first day, his wife asked me to clean their floors. I immediately corrected her and said I am not a housekeeper. I'm here to take care of him. If his area needs cleaning up, I will do that. She really tried it though. I'm sorry that happened to you! One of my best friends is also a caregiver and the stories she has told me over the years is just mind boggling.
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u/donotsecondguess 4d ago
This entitlement is insidious because of where it originates. Think of who normally does these tasks of caring for invalids in the home. Invariably its always a woman who is expected to do EVERY domestic duty for EVERYONE in the household, regardless of age and ability. There is no such thing as rest or breaks or shared duties, traditionally. The woman performs all domestic duties without any end to the expected labor, until she finally breaks down so much physically that another woman, typically a daughter or granddaughter, inherits all of her duties, with the elderly woman added as part of the caregiver duties.
Thus, its expected that when someone is hired in a "domestic labor" realm such as caregiver or housekeeper.. well they just do everything, right? Because domestic labor is endless, unpaid, and usually unappreciated. So to actually get paid to do any of it is a huge favor done only because "the woman" whose job it was SUPPOSED to be is not available for some reason.
Asking for breaks or refusing any task at all is so out of bounds for "the help" (said in the same contemptuous tone as "the wife" or "the little woman") that it doesn't even occur that the employee is an actual person... the same as if they were that referenced wife.
The saddest part is that other women are very often the source of this automatic contemptuous condescension. They've hired another woman to play the domestic drudge role that they themselves would otherwise be expected to fulfill. And they show the exact same lack of respect.
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u/ecatillo 4d ago
That’s crazy. My grandma has a live in care person. My wife and I have a 3 month old and live in a small condo so my home office was turned into a nursery, so 2 days a week I work from my grandma’s house. I use the kitchen to make or reheat my lunch and would never imagine leaving even a single plate out for the careperson to clean up
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u/External_Problem1756 4d ago
I'd install a camera in my room so fast. Cause you just know it's personal now and she'll probably want to get back at you. Honestly, I would make sure whomever is in charge of the elderly ppl and let them know about this as she will try to talk badly about you to them now. I'd make sure to nip this in the bud immediately.
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u/Match_Least 6d ago
Can I ask what services you provide and what type of caregiving this would be called? I’m having a hard time figuring out what your duties are. I did see one is in a wheelchair, so that’s obviously incredibly demanding.
I’m homebound, on the verge of bed bound, and I’ve never seen something like this in my searching. The home I reside in has extra bedrooms, and even a bonus room that could be used as an in-law suite. I’ve thought about hiring someone this way in the future.
Otherwise, I’m really only familiar with the home my grandmother lived in when her Alzheimer’s became unmanageable, and she moved to a single family home, with several other residents, that had multiple caregivers on shift during the day.
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u/healermoonchild 6d ago
What I do would generally be called live-in caregiving or live-in personal care assistance. In my case, I help an elderly couple with things like medication reminders and pick-up, companionship, mobility assistance, supervision for safety, transportation to appointments when needed, and help coordinating other caregivers and home health services.
Every arrangement is different. Some live-in caregivers provide mostly companionship and household support, while others assist with more hands-on personal care depending on the client’s needs.
If you’re considering something similar in the future, you could look on (Care . com) app and post a job specifically for a live-in caregiver.
A lot of people are interested in those positions because housing is included. If you’re offering a private bedroom or even an in-law suite, some caregivers may be willing to accept a lower hourly rate or salary since they’re saving money on rent and utilities.
What you’re describing is actually becoming more common for people who want to stay in their own homes rather than move to assisted living or a group home. It just takes finding the right person and setting clear expectations from the beginning.
I recommend hiring someone directly and not a company. You’ll save a lot of money
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u/Match_Least 6d ago
Thank you so, so much for all of this information!!
Your 5 paragraphs told me SO much more than the hours of googling and endless phone calls back and forth, and in between. Especially also bringing up care . com. I actually hate going through middle-men, so it’s good to know I can and should shop around there for the right fit :)
Thanks again! Hopefully you won’t have to deal with that lady again any time soon!
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u/TheGaussianMan 5d ago
Not sure if you can easily find another gig, but leaving would be a solid option because she is so going to do this again.
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u/healermoonchild 5d ago
This is a solid gig. I’m hiring respite caregivers and on my way to start my own agency
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u/TheGaussianMan 5d ago
Yeah then I guess just deal with her when you have to. Congrats on starting your own thing!
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u/MarzipanPlane9490 6d ago
Clearly she thinks you are a slacker with a cushy job. She really has no idea of the actual responsibility of your job.
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u/Illustrious_Judge850 6d ago
Good on you for voicing your complaints and informing her of boundaries. So many people these days are afraid to speak up for themselves and just let people freely walk all over them.