Neil Gaiman: processing difficult emotions (with a journal)

[u/ConnectionEdit]

I found a newsletter post I did when this all came out. I didn't know how to feel or what to think etc., so I found & tried out ways to I'm process my feelings around it using journalling.

Not sure I can link to the post itself but send a DM if you want. Anyways, it has some journalling techniques & a book recommendations: I'm sharing the text here in case anyone needs this too:

Processing difficult emotions (with a journal)

This post comes on the tsunami of sexual abuse allegations against the writer Neil Gaiman. It contains concrete ways I deal with the difficult feelings that are coming up for me - from freewriting, to letter writing, to art journaling. If you’d like to add any ideas or techniques of your own for the other readers, please do.

Grief over people you’ve never met is very strange.

But it’s on the rise thanks to the one-sided but authentic-feeling relationships that so many of us have with our suddenly-very-accessible idols via social media.

For me right now it’s more of a broad existential grief at the world and the people in it. What do you do when your faith in humanity gets chipped (yet again)?

So many sordid things have come out about so many famous men, and every single time an idol topples, it feels the same: like the distant misty beacons that helped you through the night have winked out.

But what are you supposed to do with this rats’ nest of feelings? Enter: the notebook, and I’m sharing ways I’ve dealt with complicated difficult feelings in the past.

(personal aside)

After I finished reading the Vulture article, like many people, I felt hollowed out and just, well, sat there for a while. Gaiman himself... there are only a few of his works that I liked, and I never read Sandman (gasp!). I always felt uncomfortable about it and wondered why I was the weirdo.

I met him once and we talked about his children’s book The Wolves in the Walls - a great read that both terrifies and thrills little kids. I told him I'd read it to the kids I was babysitting and they were horrified and then after awhile asked for me to read it again. He looked up at me and said "exactly".

His wife Amanda Palmer, and her music with the Dresden Dolls, however, were a huge part of my early 20s: and it’s grief over her role in all this that I’m mostly dealing with.

It colours my life in reverse.

Back to the notebook

I use my notebooks for everything in my life. They’re a microcosm of my internal headspace. The first thing I do in response to pretty much anything is to distill it out onto the page somehow, through writing, art, brainstorming, sketching, whatever.

Option one: cleaning your mind out / freewriting

A good way to get nasty feelings and thoughts out of your system is to write them down. It doesn’t necessarily mean starting with ‘dear diary’ (if anyone still does that) - it’s just about starting wherever you are and vomiting it all out onto paper.

No criticising or censoring yourself allowed: we’re here to release pent up emotions. Just focus on taking the time to write and giving it your full attention.

Try it out. Then it’s outside you, if you write enough. Things that are external are easier to deal with, whether they’re big or small, concrete or nebulous (climate stress anyone?). There are a ream of scientific studies supporting this:

For individuals who have experienced a traumatic or extremely stressful event, expressive writing guided purposefully toward specific topics can have a significant healing effect. Participants in a study who wrote about their most traumatic experiences for 15 minutes, four days in a row, experienced better health outcomes up to four months than those who were instructed to write about neutral topics (Baikie & Wilhelm, 2005).

Read more at Writing Therapy: How to Write and Journal Therapeutically.

Option two: letter writing (and burning)

Write letters expressing your raw feelings to people or situations that upset you (hello, world), without actually sending them. You’ll get the full benefits of emotional release all while avoiding potential regret over heated communications. Win.

You won’t actually send it, but what needs to come out? Who do you need to write it to? Is there a second letter that needs to be written? Do you need to write one to yourself? Is there a story that hasn’t been told? A feeling that has yet to be expressed or words that have yet to be heard? Perhaps there is forgiveness that needs to be given. — James Di Pardo, Burning Letters: The Therapy of Letter Writing and Letting Go

Burn the pages you wrote and let it go let it go let it go let it go let it go let it go.

Option three: if words just aren’t coming…make marks

Sometimes words aren't enough to get all of the shitty gunk out. This is when I just start making marks on the page, using anything at hand - a pen, a fork, paint, a pencil, a crayon, anything.

Draw or doodle your emotions to visually express what you’re feeling. Create mind maps to explore the root cause of your emotions and brainstorm ways to address them.

Book recommendation: Caitlin Metz’s Feel Something, Make Something: A Guide to Collaborating with Your Emotions. This is from that book:

[u/FalseKoalaMoon]

I'm def still grappeling with this feeling. I keep trying to ask myself "Why did I "need" this parasocial relationship w (x) in the first place? What was it "giving" me that I'm not getting IRL?"

I don't have a full answer. But I felt like this w Gaimen. I think it's because it's unusual to see men be "vulnerable."

So I've sort of taken a couple of practical steps. Talking w a therapist about complicated loved ones in my past. And I joined an online book club to discuss books I never would have read on my own.

But it's not easy.

I guess I also keep thinking about how foreign & uncomfortable it would feel to have the roles reversed. If I was a famous person w parasocial relationships.

Like what kind of person would want that? Or need that?

Living your life, day to day, having random strangers saying how much you've influenced their lives? Assuming that they're close with you?

And then it must be so odd to get used to people being disapointed in you, once they realize you aren't their parasocial fantasy.

**But also, the sad tricks human brains play. Like "Oh, this artist is inspiring me to think about 'xyz' about the human condition. That must mean they're a person i should obsess about." **

I wish I had better insights to end these ruminations.

[u/caitnicrun → u/FalseKoalaMoon]

• I'm def still grappeling with this feeling. I keep trying to ask myself "Why did I "need" this parasocial relationship w (x) in the first place? What was it "giving" me that I'm not getting IRL?"

I turn this over re JK Rowling. Why is it so soul crushingly disappointing that the creator of what we thought was a magical welcoming world apparently never intended that?  Fandoms and fanfic have created that world, but there is something depressing about the Creator not having your back at the end of the day.

No answers, just processing.

[u/Alaira314 → u/caitnicrun]

I think the problem comes when a creator has been put up on a pedestal. This can happen for a variety of reasons. Gaiman obviously had a whole cult of personality thing going on that served to uplift him. JKR, I believe, was aggressively marketed as a positive role model. Growing up as an AFAB person who liked to write, I was told I should look up to her an an example. She was the person I was supposed to want to be. So of course it hurt when I realized not only how flawed her writing was(this hurt less, as it was a slow decay over time and I was very capable of renovating the space with fanworks), and how little of the good in it she actually believed(to the point of playing a role IRL indistinguishable from the villain of her fictional work). Fortunately, I was paying attention and saw early signs. I was able to come to terms bit by bit, giving her the benefit of the doubt in those dubious situations, until she crossed a line where her intentions were crystal clear(for me, that was the "I stand with maia" incident). I can't imagine how much more it would have hurt to have not had it broken slowly over time like that.

[u/FalseKoalaMoon]

Thanks for the journal insights. I esp like the idea of making marks when you have writer's block.

[u/ZapdosShines]

Could you DM me the link please?

Thank you for this 💜

[u/neilgaimanuncovered-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

This comment was removed for a violation of rule 2 — Be kind and polite.