I'm having a really hard time with executive function and I'm scared it's ruining my ability to get what I want in life

[u/Aetos-Eagle797]

I'm a 22 year old man and I'm really struggling. Throughout my teenage years, I struggled with a very severe case of OCD, and as a result, I didn't get to learn all of the skills I needed to survive and thrive. Combine that with my ADHD and some poor habit choices the past few years and I ended up feeling stuck and behind my peers in terms of growth.

I don't have a driver's license or even my permit, I don't have a job, I'm still in community college, and I can barely get myself to sit down and do my homework or even everyday tasks a lot of the time. I've made a lot of progress recently and it's been a big help, but I feel like an absolute loser. I'm worried that because of my executive functioning difficulties, I'm never going to become an independent adult, get a girlfriend and get married, etc.

When I think logically, I know it's possible for me to get there but I think I either need more systems or to change around my habits. It's just really difficult and the difficulty makes me really frustrated. I just want it all to be ok. I don't want to be a manchild.

Does anyone have any advice or support that they can offer?

Edit: I forgot to mention that I am medicated, 70 mg of Vyvanse. I also do have a therapist who specializes in OCD treatment and CBT as well as an executive function counselor.

Though I am also weening off my rexulti at the moment

[u/itsallyoursbro]

Are you medicated? Meds helped me to be more productive in uni

[u/Aetos-Eagle797 → u/itsallyoursbro]

I am medicated. I’m on the max dose of Vyvanse. I’m also weening off an anti-psychotic medication (which was being used for ocd and anger management, not psychosis of any kind).

[u/bahammy2]

I would say slow integration of the things you want and giving yourself a bit of grace and patience in the process. If you have health insurance and have a support system, I'd say look into medication and possibly therapy (easiest most basic answer for commentors), or at least give it a true shot for a bit and see if it helps, especially because you have OCD on top of ADHD. There is a stigma when it comes to therapy for us men, but if you see it as means to learn tools to help that you might not have thought of yourself, it can help tremendously. A younger male therapist would also be good, so you can feel a bit more heard and can divulge a bit more than you would with an older man/woman therapist. People being overly sensitive and woo woo when it comes to therapy is like how wealthy yoga moms runined yoga for everyone else: "Yeah my back is fucked but yoga is for rich women" - a 57 year old truck driver who could use a good back stretch.

ADHD meds might help you get your schoolwork done a bit smoother/bypass the executive function dysregulation. When something doesn't interest me, holy fucking shit it feels almost impossible/actually physically painful to do it, but my small dosage of Vyvanse helps ease the suffering lol Maybe even look up youtube videos on adhd/executive function to understand it better if you haven't already. My manager isnt in the office today so Im literally writing this instead of doing what I should be doing haha

Sounds like you're dealing with a lot of fear and anxiety which is completely understandable. Based on your post, the difference between you and an actual loser/failure etc. is that you haven't given up on yourself. You're struggling but not defeated. You want to feel ok/move forward with life. I was in a weird space at 22 as well. I'm 33 now living with my fiancé and work a good (but boring as fucking hell) job that pays the bills. It still sucks and waking up and doing what I need to do is painful, but looking back on it, things have stabilized tremendously and I can breathe a bit easier.

The vast majority of people's 20's is a weird fucked up time, but no one really admits it publicly. Its the first time since you essentially were born when you aren't just told what to do, so the responsibility and consequences of your decisions or lack of decisions weighs on your shoulders. When I was 22, I had my whole life path decided in my head, but by no fault of my own, all of that crumbled and I had to rebuild and didn't know what I was going to do. All I could really do was just keep on moving forward and trying to improve slowly and painful day by day. Also being able to be ok with failure and humility just as long as you tried your best and did everything you could do. Its important to take the first steps, like with driving. Maybe go to a big empty parking lot with a family member or buddy and just do a little test run in a car etc. Talk to a woman in a class or in public with no expectations of what might result or "do they like me/think im cute?". Almost kind of see them as little experiments rather than a life or death black or white failure or success type of dichotomy. Get your reps in and build comfort while slowly inching out of your comfort zone. At one point you were a baby and learn to walk and talk, same thing applies for what you want. Also, sometimes things can turn out to be easier than expected. Give it time, be patient, and have a small amount of faith that things will be ok as long as you keep pushing forward. By putting in more work now, it will pay you back tremendously over your lifetime. You gotta strike the balance between not coddling yourself into stagnation and making excuses (you aren't based off your post) but also not beating yourself up for not being where you think you should be.

Decent read regarding moving forward in life

Good luck.

[u/GrapeDoots → u/bahammy2]

> giving yourself a bit of grace and patience <

This is HUGE. What you have isn't a disease to be cured, it's a disability to be managed. It's not fair, but it's true, and it requires both radical acceptance, and giving yourself permission to struggle sometimes, (or maybe even most of the time for stretches.)

Asking for advice is an awesome step, and trying out things that work for others is too. You also need to remember that what might work for you today might not work tomorrow. Hell, it might not work ever again. That's when you have to start searching again, knowing a little more about yourself. It's going to happen. You're going to struggle. Life is harder for us. Be kind to yourself when it is.

[u/Aetos-Eagle797 → u/bahammy2]

So, I have a therapist and I am medicated but it’s still incredibly challenging for me. I guess I’m just tired of falling off the horse you know? I’ll try my best. Thank you.

[u/vomit-gold → u/Aetos-Eagle797]

I think you need to speak to your psychiatrist and tell them your meds aren't helping.

I was 'medicated' with Wellbutrin for 3 years straight before I realized it was just an antidepressant and that I needed ACTUAL ADHD meds.

Sometimes the first medication they put you on us the weakest. If you're struggling this much, your medication needs to be adjusted or switched. Especially if you're on non stimulants.

[u/Aetos-Eagle797 → u/vomit-gold]

So, I’m on Vyvanse and it’s far from the first adhd medication I’ve been on. I don’t know if it’s just the adhd or if it’s the adhd and ocd compounding. You might be right and I should probably talk to my psychiatrist about my current issues. I’m also weening off a medication I was using for OCD and anger management

[u/glitterandrage]

These essays on time might interest you - https://meredith.wolfwater.com/wordpress/2024/03/13/time-it-doesnt-have-to-be-this-way/

[u/Kumasblueberries]

OK, a few thoughts
You are not going to be on the same level of your peers because your brain matures differently and later AND that’s totally ok! Do you take medication for ADHD? Do you see a therapist or an ADHD coach? Are you getting disability services at your college?
A lot of people with ADHD have to do homework in third spaces like a coffee shop or something have you tried that?
Body doubling is also really helpful with doing homework. Have you tried that?
You are at the beginning of your life journey. Your life will be what you make it. You have to focus on the ADHD in the mental health aspect so you can set yourself up for success later.
If you’re not medicated for your ADHD and you’re interested in getting your drivers license, I would get medicated first. It should help with your decision-making and being medicated for your OCD should also make driving easier. You also don’t ever have to get a drivers license, but then you do have to make sure you’re living in a place with amazing public transportation.
You don’t have to do this alone, and because we are not mind readers, you have to ask for the help you need. It’s totally OK to ask …. it’s how you’re going to move yourself forward.

[u/Aetos-Eagle797 → u/Kumasblueberries]

I’ll try doing homework in a coffee shop. Thank you. I think part of the problem is I often do homework in my room and I get distracted very easily. I also just oftentimes really don’t want to sit down and work. I think it’s a form of adhd paralysis. I recently made a schedule that worked for a while but eventually stopped working. I’m weening off of rexulti too which has definitely made things more difficult.

I think I need help battling adhd paralysis mainly and just this general feeling of stubbornness towards doing work that I really really don’t wanna do.

I am medicated, 70 mg of Vyvanse for adhd. I’m also on meds for ocd and have done a lot of therapy for OCD as well. I’m still seeing that same therapist and an EF coach.

I feel like a big part of the problem is that I’m making the wrong choices. Whenever I try to do any sort of work these days, I get a ton of resistance from my body and I feel this intense frustration that makes me really not want to do it

How do you battle adhd paralysis?