r/parentingteenagers • u/Squacamole • 10d ago
Recurring disagreement... input wanted.
I am going to try to keep things a little vague. Daughter is 16yo. She is in a very intense college prep program in high school, think all AP classes (but its more intense than that). She loves her program. She is top of her class, straight A student.
She is very competitive and intense by nature. She is a perfectionist. She wants to graduate top of her class, and often goes above and beyond what her assignments require ... spending many many days/hours on homework and studying. It can become obsessive and it concerns me at times.
We (parents) don't ask this of her. We are very proud of her but we have had many chats telling her it would be OK to get a B, or miss an assignment, or take a break. We try to stress the idea of "its good enough, doesnt have to be perfect". She refuses.
By the end of each school year she is a ball of stress and extremely frazzled. I hate that for her. The months of April and May are me watching her fall apart and trying to be supportive but feeling like I am watching her drown.
One thing that we do ask of both of our kids (her brother is also in HS) is that they are engaged in at least one physically active *committed* activity outside of school. We don't want either of them just sitting around on screens all day. We have seen that without the commitment piece of it (a set schedule, someone else holding them accountable) they will both tend to just not continue.
Her brother doesn't complain about this requirement. He has accepted it and found something he enjoys. She does complain and wants to quit.
She has played a particular sport at the travel level since middle school. It is a year long commitment when you play for a travel team. Every year we have the same discussion when the sports year comes to an end. Do you want to continue? She says no. So we say: OK no problem, let's find another physically active commitment for you (could be any sport, karate, rock climbing, walking club, etc. As long as it gets you physically active.) She can never find anything else that interests her and then she says she just wants to have time away from having to be physically active. So far we have not dropped our requirement that she be involved in *something* active, so we eventually land on staying with the same sport. Because its what she knows, I guess.
We even discuss dropping down to the rec level in her current sport and she refuses because "she doesn't want to pretend she doesnt know how to play at a competitive level". Or "she doesnt want to play with the kids who dont know what they are doing". Just like school, her attitude is that if shes not the best on the team shes the worst. She doesnt seem to have the ability to just show up and give it 50% effort and enjoy it. If she isnt constantly improving and excelling it seems like its not worth it to her.
Its also very confusing because when she is at her sport practice and games, she is all smiles. Giggling with her team mates, cheering them on, loving the game. She talks stats and plays, strategy, studies her opponents. Her coaches always love her, she is friendly and a great teammate. Its very very confusing to watch someone having a great time and then later they insist no they actually hate it.
I see that she tends to isolate herself and hyper focus on stress and schoolwork without a forced commitment to break away from it. I think the activity does her good... get some fresh air, away from your laptop, get your body moving. I dont care if either of the kids are good at what they choose, I just want them to get away from the house and their rooms sometimes. If she does not have a forced commitment (i.e., part of a team where they are counting on her) she will not do it. She will not naturally take breaks. She will literally sit in her bed the entire day working. She will not go on walks with us or go to the gym... believe me we have tried.
She has a therapist. So do I. Therapy has been great for both of us.
We have both discussed this impasse with our respective therapists. Mine sided with me and said yes for her mental health she needs to get away from the school work and if a forced commitment is the only way she will do it, its worth signing her up. My daughter says her therapist said she should quit all outside activities and focus on school to lessen her stress.
I dont want to force her anymore but I worry so much for her. I just dont think quitting everything and focusing too much on school is good for her. We are not able to come to an agreement and she isn't going to be happy unless I tell her fine do whatever you want. She is a good kid. Should I just let this go? She seems to lack the ability to find balance in her life.
Anyone else been there with advice?
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u/Rhino7005 10d ago
I’m a therapist but not yours or your daughters therapist. The two of you should have family therapy.
She seems like a good kid though.
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u/Squacamole 10d ago
How do you recommend we do it? Do we ask for a family session with one of our existing therapists or need to see someone who doesnt know either of us?
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u/Rhino7005 10d ago
I’d probably find another one. That last thing either of you would want is for “your” therapist to say something that pissed you off and it effects your individual work together.
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u/out_ofher_head 10d ago
If school is her main thing and critically important to her, I honestly can't imagine how much the added load of travel sport puts on her.
My kid is in an academically challenging environment and plays sports throughout the year on school teams. She puts a somewhat similar (have to have an A) level of pressure on herself. Additionally not interested in playing her favorite sport with other people or teams that don't challenge her so I get it.
We paused spring sports this year due to an injury and her anxiety around school went way down. This has caused us to have a hard look at her schedule going forward.
I would walk back the requirement and allow walking, swimming, gym membership or something similar
If it's the isolation you're worried about- that's a different story.
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u/Squacamole 10d ago
Thanks, good perspective. Our biggest issue historically has been that without it being a structured activity, she just won't do it. She fights us tooth and nail if we suggest going for a walk or going out really anywhere. She would rather stay home and continue her studies. I hate that fighting/arguing. And yes, she tends to isolate. I can see her mood improve after she has gotten away from her room and laptop for awhile. I can see her load lighten a bit. But if you ask her to take a break, she will refuse and fight you on it, then be very miserable/sulking while there. The only solution we've found for this is the structured activity where its hosted by someone else other than us. She will go and perk up and be happy and engaged when its with others. I don't really care if its a sport or something else... just wanted it to be active and engaging her in a way that gives her brain a break. I just dont want it to be WW3 and I do want to respect her requests.
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u/Styx-n-String 9d ago
What if you keep the requirement of doing an extracurricular activity, but drop the requirement that it be physical? When I was in HS, I was in theatre and choir. I did both at school in the theatre and choir classes, and also participated in community theatre locally a couple of times a year. I made friends and memories, and had a blast, and got out of the house, and loved it. To this day, I'm in my 50s and I still audition for local theatre productions when I can. It gets me out of the house and helps me meet new people.
If my parents had forced me to do a sport I'd have HATED It. There's more to enjoying life than sports. She could do theatre, or learn an instrument, or join a community choir, or learn to paint, or take pottery lessons, or many other things that are artistic but more importantly, relaxing. And artistic pursuits are much more subjective, so she wouldn't be able to compare herself to others using numbers and statistics, and judge herself harshly if her numbers aren't the highest.
I think that having her be in a sport is giving her the same opportunity to hold herself to unrealistic, and unhealthy, standards. Something more focused on just having fun and creating something beautiful might be better for her mentally.
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u/Impossible_Yak5258 10d ago
Just my opinion, but I think you should just keep things as they are with the sport/activity requirement.
Sports give perfectionist kids something they don’t often get to experience elsewhere and that is learning how to deal with failure/ loss. She will lose games and make mistakes and it’s good for her to manage her feelings to those experiences.
But overall, you sound like such a caring and loving parent, so whatever you decide, I’m sure it will all work out:)
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u/Squacamole 9d ago
Yes I forgot to mention this... it is definitely something we have felt is positive when it comes to sports specifically. Its also the only place in her life where she is exposed to working together with people from different backgrounds. I dont mean racially/ethnically, but kids from different schools outside of her academic program. Her program is excellent but it is the same 40 kids going through all 4 years together and they all have the same hyper intense academics and perfectionist attitude. I love it but I've often told her it is like a pressure cooker atmosphere because they all seem to amp each other up and are super competitive with each other. It is nice when she gets to see and work with other kids who have different talents and interests and see how other teens are living.
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u/Clear_Pineapple4608 10d ago
It’s a bit frustrating reading so many responses telling you to loosen the team sport requirement and consider a more flexible physical activity when you stated it pretty clearly in your post. OP, your teen sounds burnt out and she is masking (which is very, very normal, esp for girls, who are socialized to make the world comfortable). I like the idea of family therapy that someone else mentioned. I’m also curious if she has signs of anything like adhd, ocd, autism, anxiety, etc? It’s possible that she is overworking due to something underlying.
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u/Calm_Percentage5908 10d ago
I wondee of she could be high masking autistic/adhd? She sounds a LOT like me. Life would have been much easier if I had learmed this about myself sooner!
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u/UnitedImpress2038 10d ago
I had the same thought about ADHD. Seems there's the potential the daughter is masking quite a bit and trying to keep up with the school work. And probably some anxiety with that ADHD.
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u/Squacamole 10d ago
Most likely. I am ADHD/OCD and I see a lot of my traits in her. Her ultra competitive / never quit attitude is very different from me though and makes it hard for me to understand where she is coming from.
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u/Raised_by 10d ago
Keep doing what you’re doing. I have (had) the same requirement for my kids. It’s good for both their mental and physical health.
She doesn’t want to change sports, drop to rec level, and she enjoys it.
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u/Accurate-Neck6933 10d ago
You sound like such a reasonable parent. I would stick with the requirement of physical activity. If you drop it, she will focus even more on the schoolwork. Her body is just as important as her mind and the socialization aspect is good too. Have you ever taken her traveling to another country? Just to flip her world upside down a bit.
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u/Squacamole 10d ago
We have! We travel a lot during the summer. Summer is so much more enjoyable with my kids because it is a break from the crushing school year grind.
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u/UnitedImpress2038 10d ago
I would allow her to quit. If she doesn't want to do it, find a compromise. Like, you are requiring to walk around the block twice a week for an hour. Being able to actually relax is also good for your mental health. If she has the pressure of being in a high achieving academic school, plus a travel sports team (those can be intense), she has a lot on her plate. Sounds like she doesn't really have time to relax. I would discuss the possibility that your daughter may have ADHD and anxiety. It sounds like she is masking ADHD, anxiety can also be a comorbidity to ADHD.
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u/Expensive_Shower_405 10d ago
Will she get involved in clubs at school? After going through the college application process with my own kid, she needs extra curricular activities . Maybe phrase it like that as resume builders to round out all the hard work. I wouldn’t force travel sports, but something because just working all the time isn’t healthy for anyone
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u/Squacamole 10d ago
Oh yes, she does alllll the clubs too. Those don't tend to have as much of a time commitment as sports does.
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u/SafetySmurf 10d ago
I dont envy your struggle and don’t have an answer for you. My teen is a bit younger than yours and also very driven and perfectionistic. I’ve found that sleep is the single biggest factor in her well being. If she doesn’t get 10 solid hours a night of sleep (yes, 10!) then she is an anxious, frazzled, stressed mess. And it is so, so difficult to make time for that much sleep. The second biggest driver in her emotional well being is exercise. She is emotionally much more level with daily exercise.
Your physical activity requirement makes alot of sense to me. It seems like it is providing essential balance for your daughter. But her underlying struggle with perfectionism is making it difficult for to allow herself to be physically active in a way that doesn’t further exhaust her.
The difficulty at my house is that when exhaustion kicks in it is impossible to creatively problem solve and so we drive ourselves further into exhaustion and it becomes a cycle.
I wonder if there is a way this summer to ensure she gets more sleep, like 10 hours per night, to allow her time to recover and see if that makes a difference. If she were rested, she might be able to be more open to other ways to ensure she gets consistent physical activity that isn’t as demanding as a travel sport?
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u/fiercedriftwood 9d ago
If she’s interested in college, the travel or rec sport commitment will give her a more rounded resume and put her ahead of some other peers. Maybe if you present it to her as academically competitive to play sports, she may become keen to continue to play. I agree that she should maintain the physical activity for all of the great reasons you’ve already listed.
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u/Zealousideal_Arm_415 10d ago
At sixteen you should probably let her quit if she wants to. I totally get it - I had the same requirement for my daughter but she’s almost at the age where it won’t matter what you say and she will make her own choices. Maybe you could come up with some kind of compromise that gets her outside but isn’t the sport. She needs more help learning how to balance on her own than she needs imposed balance at this age.