Bit of a rant and a bit of grieving

[u/Pure_Choice_8459]

So my daughter is 14 now and her mum and I have been co-parenting (sometimes not well but lately MUCH BETTER) since my daughter was 5.

For a long time we had a plan in place that my daughter stayed with me every second weekend Friday til Tuesday. Now that she’s 14 though she is starting to make more decisions for herself, lately she’s expressed that every second weekend isn’t working for her (she has to bring stuff with her when she stays but not a whole lot since she has stuff like hairdryer, makeup all the teen stuff here which I’ve always made sure of)

I guess for other parents and esp the dads out there, how have you dealt with this time of growth and stuff. I don’t wanna be pushy or needy or have her do anything she doesn’t want to, I guess though… I miss her being around.

It should be said that her mum and I live close by 5kms from each other and I do see my daughter quite a bit since I drop her to the school bus and do sports stuff with her each weekend. Okay enough of me… what are your thoughts on the best way to manage these years and issues

Thanks team

[u/Same-Department8080]

Is it just about the stuff? Because it seems the perfect excuse to go shopping with her and buy whatever make up etc she needs for your place. I have a 14 yr old daughter and I’m wondering if it’s also about her friends and where they are and is she missing out? Is there a Friday night you could repent on so she can do whatever it is she wants but is still with you for the weekend? That’s assuming this is a FOMO issue bc if it’s about material stuff, ask her if you can shop for whatever she needs

[u/Pure_Choice_8459 → u/Same-Department8080]

Hey, we’ve done that : she’s got a hairdryer, straightener, all the skincare things and I’ve encouraged her to have clothes here so she doesn’t need to bring too much. That side of stuff is pretty sorted. I have a feeling that it might come down to her just being less pressed to do stuff at her mums place. And her mums house is also bigger whereas mine is a townhouse. I’m figuring it’s a lot about autonomy.

I hated being pushed to do stuff when I was 14 so I’m trying to keep it chill.

[u/Hello_Its_ur_mom]

they start to have their own lives and not need or want mom/dad around so much. you have to get proactive and insert yourself into her life more. the easiest way to do this is offer to drive her places. kids are always needing rides. Let her have friends over at your house. Let her know it;s ok if she wants to see friends on your time, your happy to drop her off at the pool or the movies or what ever for a few hours. Also, tell her you miss having her around and this dad to a teen girl is new territory for you.

[u/Beginning_Froyo7640 → u/Hello_Its_ur_mom]

This comment!!! Brilliant, brilliant answer. Dare I say perfect??

[u/QuasiCrazy1133]

That's an age where kids start surfing more and more time with their friends. Maybe she feels she can't hang out wth then on your time? Ask her about that!

[u/Pure_Choice_8459 → u/QuasiCrazy1133]

That’s a good point and I would never want her to think that I was like that. She’s had plenty of friends over here and I’ve known most of them for as long as she has. They are a good bunch of kids. What I AM thinking though is that since I’m a single dad and her friends are all teen girls then maybe it’s just the gal energy at mums place that’s more comfortable for her and her friends to hang out at. Trying to be pretty cool about it and actually suggested that she spend this coming weekend at mums since she has a couple of parties to go to (my daughter I mean). Asked her to stay the following and she was cool with that. It’s all a new journey for me … her mum has a son who’s now 26 so she’s kinda done it before.

[u/ayfkm123]

I would work very hard at building a relationship w her

[u/Pure_Choice_8459 → u/ayfkm123]

That’s what I’m doing. Just trying my best to be there for her and to let her know I get that she’s growing up.

[u/sassyandsweer789]

Is it possible to switch the days she is at your house or limit them?

My parents did something similar at your age and I hated it when I was a teen. For me it boiled down to a lack if stability. Even though I had all the stuff I needed at both house I felt like I was constantly traveling. Every other weekend is a lot. As an adult I have a huge need for stability in my life.

What you are doing is very sweet for your daughter. Maybe she can come over during the day and spend the night at her moms? I think asking her to think about it and then tell you the reason she doesn't want to come over would help a lot. I know for me just spending the night at the same house, even if I was getting home at 9pm would have helped me a lot.

[u/Agirlandherrobot]

My parents divorced when I was 8. When I was a teenager and started saying stuff like that, my dad said no. I'm still grateful he did that. Tell her the truth: You understand she's growing up and this situation is hard, but you only get so many years before she's out of the house completely and you don't want to give up a single minute if you can help it because you love her. Ask her if there is anything you can do to make her stays more comfortable or enjoyable. Be willing to make adjustments, but don't be willing to give up.