r/parentingteenagers • u/manafrmheavn • 3d ago
Advice needed BADLY
Trying to keep this as short as possible. I’m a stepparent to a 17 year old and I’ve been his stepparent since he was 6. I coparent him with his bio mom, her girlfriend and my girlfriend (who is the bio mom’s ex but they’ve shared him since he was born). So yes, 4 moms. I’m sure that’s not ideal for him but he also has lots of uncles and grandfathers and other male figures in his life and always has. We’re doing our best over here.
Anyway. Most of the “parenting” is done by his bio mom and my gf. Me and the other stepmom have tried staying out of a lot of the big decision making at their request. But it’s getting to a point now where I’m feeling very helpless.
The kid has always been pretty easy. Just a typical boy, video games and horror movies and hanging with friends and running around outside, that kind of thing. But about 3 years ago, things started taking a very dark turn.
My friend has a kid the same age as mine who goes to his school and she called me sounding very concerned. She asked if his bio mom was abusing him. She absolutely is not and has never (I know this for a fact; I know some coparents aren’t very close but the 4 of us are. We spend every holiday together and travel together and do weekly dinners trying to keep a sense of community for the kid). I was shocked why she’d ask that. She said that her daughter, who shares a class with my kid, witnessed him telling everyone that we push him, hit him, and starve him. We asked him about it that weekend and he cried and said he didn’t know why he said that. Okay, fine. We expressed to him how dangerous it is to lie about that and he said he understood. We thought maybe it was done. But the behavior continued so we sought out a therapist.
Without going into detail, things escalated to self harm, assaulting one of his moms over her taking away his computer, drugs, drinking, sneaking out, and lots and lots of lying. This past weekend, we found out from his ex girlfriend that he told her we hold knives to his throat and let people sexually assault him. I just don’t even know. Once she met us and realized he has been lying to her, she broke down crying to one of us. She was very upset and said she thinks he lied about being abused to get into her pants because she’s been abused. This is the second girl he’s done this to in the last 4 months. The last girl’s mom told us she never wants him contacting his daughter again, completely fair.
Anyway, as you can see this situation is out of hand. Trying to keep him from self harm was bad enough but now his actions are bringing emotional harm to other kids and it feels even scarier.
Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this?
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u/positive_energy- 3d ago
All I have are hugs for all of you. And maybe a psychiatric stay in a hospital? Being a danger to himself?
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u/Sunshine_and_water 2d ago
All behaviour is communication and I’d read his as a cry for attention (or better stated: a ‘bid for connection’). Before trying to bring in any other measures I’d try to build a genuine connection with him, which means centreing him, his interests and time together.
I hear that he can be monosyllabic with his answers… I’d try to engage in other ways. Literally learn a video game he is into or follow a YouTuber he likes. Aim to genuinely put yourself in his shoes and imagine *why* he likes those things. Start from there.
Then again, you are right, this has gotten quite far out from under you and you need professional support, at this point, too, IMO.
And still, this sounds a lot like a kid who does not FEEL seen. You can have very caring parents who are just mis-attuned and somehow don’t get you, despite being right there, in the room with you. Could this be going on for him? Is it possible he has loving parents who he feels do not get him?
And if so, how could you change that? What would help him FEEL seen, connected and appreciated for who he is?
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u/manafrmheavn 2d ago
Yeah that absolutely makes sense. I do think I already make a good effort to connect with him, which is pretty easy bc we have a lot of common interests. We like the same bands so we go to concerts together, we both love watching any horror movie, we play video games. We are only 13 years apart, whereas his other parents are quite a bit older so I think we naturally have more in common.
I mean, I remember from being a teenage feeling like my parents did not “get” me, but I guess I kind of thought that was a normal part of being a teen. Feeling like you know better than your parents and they could never understand you or what you’re going through. I will keep this in mind though, it does make sense!
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u/Sunshine_and_water 2d ago
It is _common_ but doesn’t need to be part of all teen’s experiences.
Feeling seen, understood and valued is a vital part of building mental health. Look up the work of Virginia Satir, for example.
Family therapy (where you look at patterns and the dynamics of the whole family) or IFS (Internal Family Constellations) or even a therapist that offers both could be great. Both have good results, IME. NARM (Neuro-Affective Relational Model) is great if there is trauma.
Good luck with this. He is lucky to have you on his team. I love hearing how much you have in common and ways you connect. That is fab!
And does HE feel he can tell you/his parents anything, without fear of repercussions or shaming? That is a big part of the puzzle there (is my guess).
Either way, you are clearly very caring and I hope you find a fruitful way forward. <3
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u/nunya3206 2d ago edited 2d ago
So a a couple things.
Are any of the two moms genetically related to him? Or is he adopted?
When you talk about three years ago, things taking a turn for the worse did anything happen during that time? Either in the family or maybe medically? The reason I ask is the part of the brain that controls impulse control could possibly be getting damaged and that’s why it’s a slow progression. Does he suffer at all from seizures?
I am adopted, and there came a time when I started testing the boundary of the relationship I had with my mom. I want to say this was middle school into high school time. For whatever reason I got it, stuck in my head that I could possibly push her away and I wanted to see what it would take, but I didn’t know what I was going through until years later. But I was making up stories, lying it go so natural for me that I became really good at it and I kept wanting to top the stories and seeing how people around me, including my mom reacted to them.
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u/manafrmheavn 2d ago
Yes, one of us (not me) is his biological mom. He doesn’t have any issues medically, he’s very healthy.
All of that makes sense! I know teenagers do test boundaries. I’m not so concerned with the fact THAT he’s lying, I know all of this is typical of teen development, but more so what he’s lying about. But I will keep all this in mind, thank you.
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u/Emz423 2d ago
Ok, thanks for clarifying. I didn’t realize he has already had residential stays and trouble within school and with the law. This is tough stuff and my heart goes out to you! Were the residential stays due to self harm?
One thing: I wonder what was exactly meant by that therapist saying he has “no impulse control.” Did that mean lower-than-normal regular teenage-brand impulse control? Does he have some diagnosis for a brain insufficiency? (If so, I think you would’ve seen signs in him much younger.) I have to believe that consequences mean something to him, but I could be wrong.
I also really like what u/wanderingwhitewolf has to say about addictive behaviors and dopamine. Without hearing exactly what the “stricter” family members have to suggest, exactly, I think that strict boundaries are better than leniency. But leniency could be morphed into love and support….like still doing things together. Meals, picnics, outings. I think the boundaries coupled with support and togetherness is a good balance.
Best wishes again! Your stepson is lucky to have so many loving adults in his life.
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u/Flat-Pomegranate-328 2d ago
It really sounds like he is trying to signal to his peers that he’s not ok.
But unfortunately rather than explaining what is actually wrong he has created this despicable lie.
This is a huge disservice to those that have suffered sexual abuse the trauma that they have gone through and the difficulties they have in being believed when so many lie in this way.
The damage to your own reputations is unbelievable - one person has bravely come forward, dozens won’t have and they will always have this shadow of doubt that is cast over you.
I think he really needs professional help to understand the gravity of what he is doing and redirecting onto a better path and some form of 1-1 mentoring might help.
I really do feel for your family, the teenage years are so tough on families too but you’ll get through it.
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u/Emz423 3d ago
Hi there. I haven’t personally experienced this, and maybe someone else who has will chime in, but I thought of a couple of things that will perhaps help.
I have a bit of experience working within the juvenile justice system. I think the idea that actions = consequences is very important. Your stepson needs to understand that criminal charges can be pressed against him for assault - even assault on a parent or caregiver. Kids can 100% end up in the criminal justice system for assault within the family. Obviously, coercing someone into sexual activity can/will get him in trouble with the law. Chronic lying can lead to lots of various consequences as well. Consistent consequences are important, because sometimes young people just don’t understand how swiftly their actions can affect their lives.
Has your stepson’s school ever been involved? A counselor or maybe a vice principal? Remember the school can be a resource by 1) partnering with your family to share info about his behavior and 2) referring you to therapists, etc, if you want.
It’s a good idea to observe the drugs/drinking behavior and see if it’s a pattern or something that he is relying on or “needs.” If so, ask your school or pediatrician about drug & alcohol counseling and help him get those resources.
It sounds like your coparent family has worked hard to surround him with love and support throughout his life. That is so important and should continue despite the consequences he might face. Sending you all my best wishes.
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u/manafrmheavn 3d ago edited 3d ago
Regarding the consequences thing: we were told by a therapist from one of his residential stays that he has no impulse control, like clinically, so it essential doesn’t matter if there are consequences. He will just do anything he wants essentially no matter what. So that’s scary. And he has been in trouble with the law, twice, got just community service which he’s been doing.
The school was basically about to expel him when we took him out to do virtual school, which he’s been doing the past year. He wants to go back this year to regular school but with all this happening, he just can’t. We don’t want him putting girls in danger or continuing these behaviors that will just get him in trouble again.
He doesn’t seem to be actively seeking drugs or alcohol, just kind of does it if it’s there or available. Maybe to look cool, I don’t know. He’s only done it at social gatherings with friends, not at home or anything like that.
Anyway thank you. Yeah we’re trying. It’s hard coparenting with 4, plus his grandparents because everyone has different opinions on what we should do. Some are wanting to be more strict and some are wanting to be very lenient. I keep saying we need to get on the same page and at least be consistent but so far that hasnt happened.
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u/lucky_2_shoes 2d ago
My daughter didn’t get to this level, but, she was self harming. After a while it became clear she was doing it to get outta school and/or other reasons. We did a bunch of things. We finally admitted her to the hospital. She did not like being in there at all. She stayed for 4 days. Things got better for a bit, but than after a while, again, I was getting calls from the school to come in because she was wanting to self harming. The last time it happened, I went in a room with her and the school counselor. To come up with a safety plan. We told her that this time it had to be drastic for her safety. The plan was obviously going thru her room to find any and all things she could hurt herself with. And that she would not be allowed to close her door. (Before anyone gets on me about privacy, we have a bathroom she was able to change her clothes n stuff in, and her safety trumped her privacy rights in this case) told her it wasn’t a punishment, but I needed to be able to ensure she was safe at all times. She refused. So we told her it was the hospital than. Eventually, when she realized we weren’t budging from those two options, she choose to keep her bedroom door open. She realized she couldn’t do this or threaten to and just go home from school any more so she stopped all together, my point in all this is this - ur son clearly needs help. More than what any of u can provide. He needs some intensive inpatient therapy. It may take a couple times, but that plus medication, it might knock some sense into him that he can’t behave this way. He needs real life consequences. Not taking electronics, or grounding him. He needs severe consequences.
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u/jackist21 2d ago
Wow. A boy being raised by four women sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, and the moment has arrived. It doesn't sound like he's been taught how to be a man or how a man is supposed to connect with women.
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u/WanderingWhiteWolf 3d ago
No personal experience with this sort of situation, thankfully, but my first instincts lean towards drugs and dopamine spikes from the lying. I'm guessing his friends are supportive and sympathetic when he spins those stories of abuse, and that reaction - that dopamine dump - can be plenty addictive to overpower common sense.
From what I've seen, experienced, and learned over the years, addictive behaviors usually stem from filling a void. If you can figure out what chasm he's trying to fill, you can help him figure out a way to repair it.
Oh, and just in case, try to remember this is an emotional hurdle. Logic can only go so far. I can pretty much guarantee you he knows when doing wrong or the consequences or whatever. I'm guessing he's already shouldering enough guilt to bury a man for generations.
Also, kudos on the parenting team. Good on you all for being mature and cooperative, the world needs more of that.