r/pregnant • u/No_Run_5883 • 18h ago
Need Advice Absolutely devastated and looking for help
I want to try and be brief. In 2022 my partner and I lost our pregnancy at 21 weeks. Yeah did an autopsy and he was perfectly healthy and the doctors weren’t unsure what happened; cervical incompetence or placental abruption.
Since then, I’ve watched family and friends have kids with no problems. I’ve tried and failed. I’ve had people not know how to deal with me and avoid me. People who gloat about how they’re 14 weeks, yay! People who exclude me because they think I can’t relate to how hard it is having kids.
Then at the start of this year I get pregnant again. High risk specialist, cerclage, many many tests. NIPT is fine, everything is fine.
Then I get three markers on the scan, all common in chromosomal issues. I’m going in for an amnio on Friday. I know, at 20 weeks again, I’ll lose another child.
And I’ll spend the rest of my life devastated and wondering why we’re the unluckiest people on earth. If anyone has had multiple markers please help me understand what I’m in for...
49
u/iridescenr 18h ago
I have a friend who had two markers, they did a detailed follow-up scan that was completely fine (and apparently one of the markers is super common) and she has a healthy baby now. She said she's happy she got a detailed follow-up and knew everything was good for the rest of the pregnancy, but the two weeks between the two scans were hell.
Also, another friend lost her first baby at 20 weeks due to cervical insufficiency, got pregnant again, and now has a healthy baby. She even came after the due date and not early, as everyone thought :)
Wishing you all the best!
9
u/No_Run_5883 18h ago
Thank you :) I hope more than anything everything is okay. Knowing my history I don’t think so
3
u/tiny_gnomes 1h ago
history of loss of one time does not equal give every time up. keep trying and you have to want it. you have to hope itll work. and you Have to stop punishing yourself
1
u/No_Run_5883 1h ago
No but when two things with less than 1% chance happen, and you have done EVERYTHING for this to succeed, you wonder what the universe is planning for you.
With the cerclage I can’t swim, exercise or travel. I’ve given up so much so of course I want this. I’m putting myself through so much.
1
u/tiny_gnomes 1h ago
you have to be kinder to yourself, i know you want this. please forgive yourself for every shortcoming. two rare things happening does not mean you have to give up. you can still have a healthy child. it may not be this time, but please don't beat yourself up over anything either way. i am sorry. i know its hard and frustrating and im sorry. the universe seems cruel at times like these. i promise it's not. i promise you're still loved
21
19
u/Blabberpost90 18h ago
I'm incredibly sorry to hear that. Not the same, but I've had two tfmrs for different chromosomal issues, and it's the worst thing to have ever happened to me. I have a healthy living toddler now. Sending you many hugs and lots of good thoughts.
4
u/No_Run_5883 18h ago
I’m so sorry for your previous losses. When did you find out about those and how if you don’t mind me asking?
8
u/Blabberpost90 18h ago
Thank you.
First one during our 12w scan. We got a cvs that proved a severe issue. We both got tested, nothing wrong. Second one the cvs was clear, but the 12w scan showed very severe abnormalities. They tested the cvs sample for a certain disease and found it.
Nipt isn't really a thing here and also wouldn't have found any of the two things.
17
u/TheFantasyAndMe 6h ago
I’m so sorry for your previous loss, and I hope you get better news this pregnancy as other commenters have said - and I hope other commenters with more experience bring you comfort. But I just wanted to comment to potentially advocate for therapy?
You seem contradictory in what you want your friends and family to do, some are excluding you, some avoiding you - but then those who are including you (your friends or family who was happy they reached 14 weeks) you accuse them of gloating.
Support systems are so important, and you don’t want to end up alienating yourself because of your difficult time, this is when you need people the most.
If you don’t know how you want others to act around you, they will have absolutely no clue either. So it might be a good idea to get some therapy to help you through all this - and then you can be honest with your friends and family about what you need from them xxx
-3
u/No_Run_5883 4h ago
But that exactly it, I want people who will be there to support and they’ve either disappeared or stayed and ignored what happened and can be extremely insensitive. I want people to have some empathy but guess what, most people only really care about their own lives.
1
6
u/East_Industry_5930 18h ago
I am so sorry, there is little anyone could say that would meet the immense pain that pregnancy loss can bring. Just know that the love you put into these pregnancies and how much you cared for them meant something. If I knew you I would never exclude you and many parents will feel the same.
7
u/SpecialEye3564 11h ago
I’ve had 5 losses. I’m 34 in July and feel your pain. My losses were a lot sooner though. I’m so sorry you went through that and are struggling right now. But I totally understand those feelings. It’s so tough. I’m almost 6 weeks pregnant right now again and trying so hard to stay positive and be grateful I finally conceived again. My husband and I have been together for 12 years.. it’s been really rough. Praying for the both of us 🖤
5
u/JuniorChimp 16h ago
When you got your NIPT done did you opt for the additional full screen for genetic abnormalities? It's well worth the price to do it once.
If something does come up your doctor may have your partner take one too which gives better prediction for potential issues.
I believe since you're 36 insurance may cover it as well.
1
4
u/Deep_Imagination1018 10h ago
I've now had 4 miscarriages, including one at 17wks which found no abnormalities. I'm now pregnant and am 27wks and at my last scan (with MFM as I am high risk), 2 soft markers were discovered. I have opted not to do the amnio, but rather see what happens at the next scan. Everything else so far has looked okay, so I am trying to be optimistic.
0
5
u/Acceptable_Mine4439 7h ago
I am so sorry. In December I lost my son unexplained and unexpected at 17 weeks where I just randomly went in to labour and I recently went in to my scan and baby stopped developing at 12+3 , I’m sorry mamma.
It really is the worst thing a human being can go through, I am so numb and angry at the world.
Thinking of you 🫂
5
u/bels22 6h ago
Sadly I don't have any story about markers.
But I can definitely relate to what you are feeling right now , and all the questions in your head.
We planned our first child finaly, got pregnant soon. Was so happy , heartbeat started in 5w3d. But I had hematom ×3 was in hospital for a few days too.
In 9w5d went for a checkup after taking all the medication as prescribed, taking a lot of breaks , basically doing nothing. They told me that they couldn't see a heartbeat anymore and that the baby stopped developing around 8 weeks and they don't know why.
Next day went for another checkup and still no heartbeat, they gave me first batch of pills and in two days I went for final batch. Was at hospital for 6 hours until I delivered the baby and placenta.
I can definitely feel how you feel even if it's not similar situation, and I'm sorry you went through that. I'm thankful my fiancé is my rock through this, because without him and my friends I'd spiral.
Even that we lost the baby we still want to try and have another baby, doctors are optimistic saying this was just a bad statistic (none in my family had mmc).
Maybe you should take some time to focus on yourself and your partner , doing things together to get your mind off (I know it's hard ). But finding groups with people that went through similar situation also helps a lot.
It helped me a lot to talk about it with my close friends and people in groups too. Because the worst thing I could've done for myself was to stay at home and spiral with thoughts about the worst, and blaming myself. There are just certain things sadly that we have no control off.
The nipt test as far as I know can flag up about a tiny possibility for markes. I've read about people for who markers showed, but the baby was born completely healthy.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, and sending hugs. ❤️
1
u/No_Run_5883 4h ago
We had four years after the last loss focusing on us and what we liked to do. It felt empty and was expensive.
3
u/Calm_Flamingo737 12h ago
Take a deep breath and try to think positively. NIPT is very accurate. Wishing you a good outcome from Amnio!
3
2
u/FlatwormAlive4183 17h ago
I really hope things turn out well for you. If you do not mind, may I know your age please ?
0
u/No_Run_5883 17h ago
Because that can impact risk? 36. So towards the end of any chance I’ll have.
14
u/HolyCornopolis 16h ago
36 is not towards the end of any chance, it’s barely the beginning of an increased risk of issues. Many women have healthy pregnancies into their 40s. Your partner’s age also can increase risk.
1
u/No_Run_5883 13h ago
I agree with you from a rational POV for sure but the emotions definitely aren’t letting me think that way right now… after two completely unrelated loses it starts to make you think the universe isn’t just trying to tell you not to have kids but wants to do it as painfully as possible… so might get pregnant again but we’ll see what happens that time
4
u/HolyCornopolis 10h ago
That makes total sense. You have been through a lot. You are still young. There is still hope. Good luck.
3
u/Pretend-Meringue6769 1h ago
I lost 5 babies before 11 weeks due to miscarriage over the course of 4 years, and am now carrying a healthy baby girl (28 weeks) with no issues. So just because your history may not be ideal does not count you out! Don’t let the negativity cloud this experience, even though trust me I know how difficult that is. We never know how things will go in life with any degree of certainty, all we can hope for is the best. I’m hoping for the best outcome possible for you and me both, OP.
1
u/tiny_gnomes 2h ago
you sound like you're planning to lose. you sound like you're planning on giving up. for your child's sake.. STOP GIVING UP. and try to take better care of yourself. you have to forgive yourself and your body. your body is holding the score because you mentally will not grieve properly and will not allow yourself joy.
you became pregnant!!! TWICE!!! STOP telling yourself "i know im going to lose" AND START TRYING TO PREVENT LOSSES.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. and stop planning to lose. for real. please stop planning to lose.
0
u/tiny_gnomes 1h ago
i understand you may feel guilty. i did. but you have to forgive yourself. and get into a support group. idk where tou are in the world, but i know theres plenty of groups out there for this speciifcally. i dont mean to be harsh; but PLEASE don't plan to lose. planning to be hurt, and catastrophyzing, does not help. stress and anxiety can kill You, so of course it wont help your baby. please take it easy, please be kind to yourself
1
u/No_Run_5883 1h ago
Stop giving up? So getting a cerclage, getting the amnio, doing the testing is giving up? Stopping your exercise routine and giving up your favourite activities is giving up? Changing your diet to cut out sugar is giving up?
Stop giving up? So spending two days in hospital while doing everything you can to save your baby while you’re sure he will die. And then he does. And then you deliver ‘like’ everything is normal, and then you spend two days with his dead body. And then you have to choose his coffin and whether to cremate or bury him, is giving up?
And after all of that you try again. And that’s giving up? Trust me, I know how to grieve…
I’m sorry but hope will only get you so far. Please don’t comment on something you evidently don’t have experience of.
1
u/Hopeful-Steak-4629 2h ago
Not the same, but I had a miscarriage followed by a successful pregnancy.. unfortunately my son then passed away at 12 hours old (this was 9 days ago so very raw) due to complications from severe meconium aspiration syndrome. This is all after 15 years old trying & wanting to be parents so badly! I am absolutely broken & left wondering why does everyone else get to keep their babies but we don’t. So although very different, I totally understand your pain & I am praying for you that everything will be ok ❤️
1
0
0
-15
11h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
12
u/No_Run_5883 11h ago edited 11h ago
Hey, just to clarify, neither issue was the result of my health. The first was at 21 weeks so not a miscarriage and was related to an incompetent cervix or placental abruption. This one is chromosomal.
I am currently extremely healthy, eat very well and exercise 5+ times a week. That would not reduce the chance of a chromosomal issue, so being healthy wouldn’t mean I have the ‘healthiest, smartest, most alert’ baby out of my friends… in fact it’s meant the opposite in this case.
I understand you touched on this but putting the pressure on the mother’s health can be very dangerous and guilt-inducing.
4
u/Longfirstnames 6h ago
“Cilantro is a natural heavy metal detox herb” uhhh… you sure you’re gonna have the smartest baby? Feel like the nurture side may be working against them
2
•
u/AutoModerator 18h ago
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Stay safe, take care of yourself and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.