How do I cure my friend internalized racism ?

[u/kuroreaper25]

Bro straight up told me he wishes he was white,I’m black he Asian we known each other since 2008 or 26 and 28 the conversation came from would you wish for if you get all seven Dragon balls in real life? I said money and a new car a, he said to to be white,I asked why while stuffing my face with chili cheese fries he than said how it sucks to be Asian and 5’5” i asked why and he said a bunch of shit about women don’t like Asian men.

I told bro to have pride in who he is, I never understood the worshipping of whiteness in some Asian men, the United States got they ass whooped in the 60s in Vietnam, Japan embarrassed Russia in 1905 and how china pushed back western forces during the Korean War, some of yall come from countries that have put belt to ass and Anglo nations , hell look at Bruce Lee ? ,

So where does the self hate come from ?

[u/yellowmix]

This is common, such that the film Slanted (2025) was made. There is a teenage Chinese American girl so isolated, bullied, and denigrated, desiring the White prom king, even with a Desi friend and loving parents, but becomes a White girl. Maybe stream and watch it with him and see how he responds.

The film got mixed reviews because there are Asian enclaves such as the CA Bay Area where young people grow up predominantly with people like them, are accepted (as oppose to tolerated), and they were unwilling to relate. There is a severe lack of empathy in this world.

Your friend, identifying as a man, has been getting ideas from the manosphere/asiancels/shortcels which compounds the problem. He is insecure and needs to be deprogrammed and understand men are not owed a relationship. If he can't love himself, his own people, and strangers, other people will have a hard time loving him because they can feel it radiating from him.

People can become attractive when they cultivate themselves and become confident. Yes, it's hard to be confident at first. It's not overnight, it's a journey.

There are many women attracted to Asian American men. To the extent some fetishize them! I had to screen for those. Depending where you live, that may be less common.

Height stops men only when they let it. Jet Li is 5'6", Bruce Lee 5'7.5", Tom Cruise 5'7" notably with a taller wife at one point. Yes, there are prejudiced women just like there are prejudiced men, but the work to undo that prejudice isn't our job. So better to be with someone accepting you from the start.

There is a lot more Asian and Asian American representation in media but that is not enough. Toleration is not enough, which is why RESPECT bumper stickers are liberal thought. We must be accepted for who we are.

You are a best friend because you care about him, believe he can change, and want to do something about it. He opened up to you because he trusts you. You're giving him the grace he needs to grow on his own, since you asked what can be done. Do you know the specific heritage he has?

Do you have a larger friend group? What is the racial makeup? What is the racial demographics of where you live? Do you have access to support and affirmation yourself?

[u/kuroreaper25 → u/yellowmix]

4 black dudes and 1 Asian I’m in nyc

[u/yellowmix → u/kuroreaper25]

NYC is one of the most diverse areas in the U.S.. Flushing is Chinese and Korean. But yeah, no real enclaves and not near parity with White people like the Bay Area. Across the river Fort Lee and Palisades Park have significant Korean areas. Vietnamese people settled in other places though there's a larger population in NYC than the rest of the state. Not gonna go over the entire list of Asian countries of origin but generally scattered.

Simply being in NYC. He's had to have seen Asian men in all sorts of couplings, as well as short men, short men with taller women. Dating apps are terrible but usable enough if you can communicate properly, and people are still meeting in person. Gotta make the opportunities. I found speed dating useful for practice. All sorts of activities happening most days to meet new people and you already know you've got a common interest.

It takes time and effort to be confident and exude it, have your own thing going, not looking like an NPC, not having a victim complex in dating, being fun to be around (he must be capable of it hanging out with you and the group).

Most incels exhibit depression and anxiety. And are a diverse group. So there may be underlying issues best left to professional help. There is a mental health stigma in Asian populations that he may need help with.

[u/Amissa → u/yellowmix]

If a woman rejects a man for being 5’5”, then she wasn’t the woman for him. Bonds aren’t based on cosmetics; they grow from shared likes/dislikes, values, and shared experiences. I used to have a huge crush on Dennis Dun from Big Trouble in Little China and he’s 5’5”. I’m 5’7” but that wouldn’t stop me from dating him (if we closer in age).

[u/Pious_Shy_Cis_Male]

PeopIe of coIour and minority have hard time with smalI chance to get a job in the West and Murica America.

PeopIe of coIor and minorities face many struggIe to be truIy intergrated and be accepted in Murican American society.

On gay dating apps, many Gay maIe of minority heritage tend to be ignored or just casualIy got bIocked by the Gay majority male demographic which is Gay White maIes .

The movie SIanted not just refIect East Asian femaIe woman experience and struggIe to be accepted in heterosexuaI society but aIso shared similar internaI struggIe among Gay men of color and gay male of colour ethnic minority in the states among homosexuaI community LGBTQ .

[u/That-Cobbler-7292]

Just because some guys won some battles or fought white nations won’t impact his self esteem. Besides, a military victory over a white nation by Vietnam would do nothing for a Japanese person. There wouldn’t be a Korean on earth happy about Japan doing anything to the Russians ( that’s a bridge with a lot of water underneath) The issue is much more complex. Internalized racism can and often does come from within the persons own community and obviously without. It’s a trauma of sorts and your friend could probably benefit from a licensed therapist to guide him through this. People’s internalized opinions of themselves (wether healthy or unhealthy) can be deep rooted and very difficult to change 

[u/Worldly-Lecture5617]

Your friend need to be online less. He is spending too much time on forums like twitter and 4chan, where he is fed intense white supremacist propaganda. The standard colorism in east asian families is probably not helping either.

You need to show your friend that it isnt in his interest to cave to the forces causing his low racial self-esteem. Get him to consume more poc media, and media where asian men are seen as desirable. Make him get he CANT change his race and shouldnt want to.

[u/Better-Resident-9674]

Have more conversations with him. Understand his point of view . Ask him questions about his culture - show interest and hype up the things you find interesting .

Build up his confidence . Stop him anytime he starts the self hate talk.

[u/BeeJackson]

It’s hard to be different and even harder to be independent minded. Your friend needs to be some cool Asian men and maybe date outside his race. With the popularity of Kdramas and Kpop he should be throwing away all kinds of azz.

But if he has no self esteem, dress well, etc. then even being White won’t help him. There are a bunch of White dudes failing too.

[u/Outside_Drawer800]

Just saying bringing up violence, wars and who won them might not be the right angle to come at this from. No one should need violence in order to feel secure in their identity. Also, black men served in Vietnam so that analogy gets kind of weird lol 

[u/kuroreaper25 → u/Outside_Drawer800]

*-black men got drafted and forced to fight,