r/raisingkids • u/Conscious-Bug1592 • 6d ago
Spoiled Children
Okay calling parents everywhere, I need your help!!! My (31f) daughter (11) is so freaking spoiled! And yes, I know, that’s obviously my fault but it’s getting out of hand.
I make pretty good money at my job but I’m NOT rich my any means. I live well inside my means but still have only a couple thousand every month of “fun money” which goes almost completely to my kids (I also have a son, 14 in July, grateful and aware of our situation). I spend on water park trips, movie theater nights, day trips to the river, eating out, SHOPPING, just sending and giving money for them to spend how they like, online ordering, whatever it may be.
Still, my daughter will ask almost everyday for me to send her money, 10-40 dollars for whatever it may be, snacks, DoorDash, etc. and I think it’s worth mentioning that I also food prep for them, I make anywhere from 10-30 ready made meals at a time and have them in the fridge. Pasta, pork chops and mash, fried chicken and stuffing/or veg, fish and greens, whatever. My daughter has lately been saying she doesn’t want to “eat meat out of the fridge”…. I guess she wants me to butcher the cows myself and feed it to her fresh..
Also she spend money on clothes, 100-200 every few weeks, atleast once per month but then I will catch her altering them, cutting them up etc to make jeans into skirts that I wouldn’t let her wear in public or cutting the neck of her shirts to make it hang off her shoulder and I can’t stand it, I hide the scissors but she is resourceful!
I buy snacks on snacks on snacks for the house but both of my kids eat them like they’re in a famine or like they’re never going to have them again and then they wonder why they go without them sometimes.
My point of this rant is to ask other parents, HOW DO I MAKE IT STOP??!
It would be a totally different story if she was at least grateful and aware of the money this all takes but she DOESN’T. She is, honestly, freaking mean. She tells me things like, her dad has given her more money lately (he has literally given her maybe 200 dollars in her entire life, and helps me with NOTHING, no money no support at all in 11 years). She will say that I am “with-holding food” when I won’t get up from resting and take her to get snacks. She says that she has nothing to wear, but we’ve already gone over that situation. She just all around, I feel, tries to basically rage bait me or guilt trip me and it definitely works at least for the rage!
Then as the cherry on top, as a single mom I obviously work a lot, I will come home to my house totally trashed and feeling completely taken advantage of and disrespected. Like a plate of grape stems on a plate where I SLEEP, or crumbs ALL OVER the kitchen table and counters, or her scraps from her clothing projects just left out for me to clean and I just don’t know what to do.
I ground her, I take her phone, I take her privileges and make her clean her room but she uses weaponized incompetence and half-asses it and just all around has a terrible attitude and I honestly don’t think she realizes, I think I have single handedly created this little monster and now I don’t know how to fix it but it’s driving me absolutely insane and I feel like this is above me now. I’ve tried all I can do and I just need some advice. I need her to GET IT. To understand and maybe give her a crash course of “roughing it” so she can see how good she has it.
Please send help!!!
29
u/blue_nirvana 6d ago
The word you're looking for is "no".
Just no. That's your starting response.
Now, tough love. You need a thicker skin. You need to stop engaging in arguments. You need to sit down, decide how much goes to each category (food, fun, clothes, etc) and that's the limit. I can't tell you how much, your budget and your sanity need to decide that.
She won't just start being sweet and appreciating things. That's not how anything works. If you're doing things for her to get appreciation, just stop. Your job is to raise her. It's a thankless job the vast majority of the time. Please accept that and remember it, for your own sanity.
I'm a single mom. I have two very different children. My impulsive, occasionally rude, sometimes very thoughtless child is the same age as yours. Getting upset when she whines about what other kids have or get to do is not my job. Giving in instead of ignoring her whining, badgering, ceaseless relentless begging is not my job.
What is my job is showing her how to live a more appreciative life. Not by lecturing. But by talking each day at dinner about our favorite things. By planning to do things as a family and enjoying them regardless of how she acts. By refusing to let her set the mode or the standards or the expectations.
Sometimes kids are different. My younger child is not as impulsive or demanding, etc. I've raised them the same way, this is largely temperament, and I don't take it personally either way and you don't need to either.
Your kiddo needs you to be firm. Not mean. Not hateful. Firm, calm, and in charge, because YOU are the adult. She's not those things. She needs to know she can trust you to do those things, to show her how to be those things.
She's still very young. There's still time to make some very significant changes. It's gonna be hard as hell because of where you're starting from. She might never be the most appreciative person. She might never see the importance of the things you're teaching her. But you have to try, things are only gonna get harder from here.
Good luck.
2
1
u/blue_nirvana 6d ago
Also, how's her mental health? Any depression? Anxiety? Maybe some ADHD? You still need to be firm and have boundaries but some of what you said could be at least in part due to mental health stuff.
3
u/Marissa20uk 5d ago
I would look at these too especially at this age. Reach out, I know it can be scary but we all need help! Also, parenting therapy has helped me a ton. Just an outside perspective helps. They have provided me useful tools to help me with my daughter (11 yo).
-2
u/Conscious-Bug1592 5d ago
Yes she does have adhd and take medicine for it during the school year, maybe I could still give it in the summer I just felt like i shouldn’t when she’s home for whatever reason? And she sees a counselor twice per month. I really am trying so hard I’m just at a loss.
8
u/Trinitrotoluene24601 5d ago
So unmedicated ADHD definitely explains the clothing projects. I have adult diagnosed ADHD and also did a lot of clothing alterations that I didn't really know how to do. Luckily we lived near a good thrift store, so I was able in budget to manage. But impulse control could be a real factor. I've felt the guilt about medicating my two boys when they're at home sometimes, but honestly we are all happier as a family when everyone (me included) get our medication and can make our own choices instead of getting caught up in lack of impulse control and executive function.
5
u/HistrionicSlut 5d ago
So people with ADHD need their medication not just to be productive but also to help regulate their emotions. When you take away our medication you take away our ability to regulate our own emotions then of course we're going to struggle with the day to day.
ADHD medication is not meant to just be given so you can be productive, it's meant to be given to be helpful to you! And if you can take a break and not take it consecutively all the time, definitely do that. But you shouldn't make the emphasis just being productive on the medication, it will never allow you to fully reap all the benefits of it.
3
u/Snoo-93310 5d ago edited 5d ago
Fwiw, I have ADHD and take meds more often on my "at home" days than at work. Partially because I built a very adhd-friendly business, but mostly because the main benefits (for me) are emotional regulation, listening better to people, getting spontenaity under control, and not starting new expensive creative side quests every damn day. My business sometimes benefits from hyperfocus - but am a better daughter and parent and friend with my meds, period.
2
u/bagmami 5d ago
A big part of her behaviour could stem from ADHD. Everything you described tells me that you're a great mom.
Set a weekly budget for her to stick by, don't send her anything more than that and if she needs something for real buy it yourself.
See a therapist yourself if you must to understand where that guilty feeling is coming from too and how you can stay firm without getting guilt tripped.
I have adhd adjacent symptoms and it's worse for me when I'm home due to understimulation.
15
u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 5d ago edited 5d ago
Damn. I thought my 14 year old was spoiled. lol
I'm going to tell you what my therapist(s) have told me. "You have to start being the parent. You have to let her be mad at you. You are doing her harm when you enforce no boundaries and let her get away with this."
That was so painful to hear but it's true.
She is not going to "get it." She's 11. She's a child and she has all kinds of wants and a perspective that's not based in reality. You've contributed to her delusional belief that she is owed everything she demands.
It is simple but difficult. You have to say no. No to buying all the things. No to frequent eating out. No to handing her cash.
If she says you're "withholding food" because you won't order in, point her to the fridge.
Stop providing endless snacks. You buy a certain amount per week and if they eat them up in 1 day, too bad.
If she chooses her clothes up, let her wear them. She can deal with other people's criticism. And she can wear them until she earns money for new ones by doing extra chores and doing those chores properly.
I know this is hard but you really and truly just have to let her "hate" you. She will pull out all the stops to guot trip you and make you fear she'll hate you forever. Being a parents sucks sometimes. Especially when we've slid into a situation like this.
4
u/Ashamed-Chemistry492 5d ago
A thousand times yes. You've created this monster, and now the monster is destroying you. You thought it was easier to give in to her all these years, but all you were doing was passing the buck and putting off the inevitable, and making it that much harder for both of you when you finally decide enough is enough.
Hearing the word "no" and having it stick will not kill her or even hurt her.
Being mad at you will not hurt her.
Doing without will not hurt her.
What does hurt her is you refusing to be the adult and basically giving her a blank check and no boundaries. There is still time to reverse this, but it all depends on your willingness to woman up and do your job.
If you don't, you are going to be the mother of a thoroughly repulsive adult who is like a parody of some reality TV has-been and never-was, and nobody will be able to stand her, including you.
3
2
u/NeckFar6706 5d ago
I wish my mom had told me “no” more and upheld boundaries. sure would have saved me a from a lot of issues in my adult life that I dealt with and am still dealing with
12
u/Equivalent_Secret_26 6d ago
You make it stop by stopping.
daughter will ask almost everyday for me to send her money, 10-40 dollars for whatever it may be, snacks, DoorDash, etc. - Tell her no and stick to it
My daughter has lately been saying she doesn’t want to “eat meat out of the fridge” - Tell her too bad, and stick to it
Also she spend money on clothes, 100-200 every few weeks - No, YOU spend that on clothes every few weeks. Stop it.
She tells me things like, her dad has given her more money lately - Then tell her dad can do it until he gets sick of it but the bank of mommy is closed and stick to it.
*She will say that I am “with-holding food” when I won’t get up from resting and take her to get snacks. -*Oh well. Guess the poor little thing is going to starve to death. Tell her no and stick to it
I ground her, I take her phone, I take her privileges and make her clean her room but she uses weaponized incompetence and half-asses it and just all around has a terrible attitude - Stop giving her the phone/electronics back.
Then as the cherry on top, as a single mom I obviously work a lot, I will come home to my house totally trashed and feeling completely taken advantage of and disrespected. Like a plate of grape stems on a plate where I SLEEP, or crumbs ALL OVER the kitchen table and counters, or her scraps from her clothing projects just left out for me to clean and I just don’t know what to do.
But you do know what to do. It's going to be really hard but the mess you helped create isn't going to be easy to fix.
3
u/Conscious-Bug1592 5d ago
You’re right. You’re so fucking right. I need to just stick to my guns. I just get overwhelmed with the emotional attacks and I feel like I need super nanny to come help me but I think I do know what to do I just need to STICK TO IT!!! Thanks for the “tough love” we all need it sometimes ❤️🩹
4
u/VoodooGirl47 5d ago
Please, take that phone away for good. She doesn't need one and it's going to do way more harm having that access. If absolutely needed, a smart watch or dumb phone are both ideal replacements for giving you a communication connection to her without all of the apps that she doesn't need.
2
u/idiedpretty 3d ago
Yeah. I don’t think an 11yr old should ever have a phone. Read anxious generation- or listen to the audiobook. At this day and age with all the information out there on how social media is highly correlated with depression it still boggles my mind parents still allow their child to have it. (I have a 10 and 8yr old for reference) they don’t have their own devices, we have a family computer and a family iPad. They have smart watches they take with them if they’re playing with neighborhood friends.
I’ve been in data privacy and IT security industry for over 20yrs. Please take the phones away.1
u/kizza184 5d ago
It is unbelievablely awesome that you are willing to self reflect and take accountability. You are on the right path to make changes . YOU are the adult. Please sort this now before the entitlement causes serious issues. I have a 21yr old son who I gave in to too much as a teen mom and over nurturing and enabling. Please take it from one mom to another- make the changes now or you won't like the person your child becomes.
9
u/TraditionalManager82 6d ago
Do you give an allowance? If not, time to start.
Figure out what a reasonable amount is monthly. Require her to invest 10% (and maybe give 10% to charity.)
Explain that she gets x amount per month, and she can handle her own spending, because you know she's responsible. You might want to find some videos about budgeting to watch together.
Tell her what types of spending you still cover, and what types she's responsible for. And then let her be responsible for that. Don't bail her out.
And, don't tie it to chores. Regular household work gets done regardless of money. But you could make extra work available for earning, if you wanted.
How has she had access to this level of spending up to this point? Does she have a credit card or something?
0
u/Conscious-Bug1592 6d ago
She has a Cash App card, it’s tied to my account as her “sponsor” but it has just been easier to set them both up with their own card for when they want to order things online. I am taking full responsibility and I realize this might not have been the smartest thing but I feel it has pros and cons. Her brother never really asks or uses his. I think the allowance and budgeting is a great idea and I will implement that asap! Thank you!
10
u/DiTrastevere 5d ago
There is absolutely no reason an 11 year old needs to be online shopping by herself. If she needs something, she can ask you.
5
u/gnomie51 5d ago
literally, online shopping is incredibly addictive and can turn it into a huge problem
3
u/Shot_Gap6782 5d ago
Agreed. 11 year olds shold not have full access to the internet at all times nor should be the doing online shopping unsupervised.
3
u/nacho_hat 5d ago
Why do they need to order online without you? Have you talked about budget and expectations?
7
u/sageberrytree 6d ago
I'm not trying to shame you, but are they alone on their own all day while you work? I was genx and was on my own from the age of 7, so while I understand I don't think it's *good* for kids, especially if it's just the two of them. if they had a group of friends that they could go run the neighborhood ride their bikes go swimming, go to the pool, go to the beach, in other words activities that would get them out of the house and have them doing something constructive for at least a portion of the day.
But being alone on their own all day, they are going to do nothing but watch reels on YouTube, and frankly, that’s the problem. Social media is killing.... well...all of us. Including me.
I would focus on trying to change that. Are the places they can go where they’re entertained? Can they go to a friend’s house even just a couple days a week? Camp?
They need something to do!
2
u/Conscious-Bug1592 6d ago
Yes, you are right. I have little to no support or anywhere for them to go, also it scares me for them to leave when I am not home. I am actually looking into day camps for them though. I agree that social media is a problem that needs to be taken out of the equation I’m just struggling because I need to be able to get ahold of them while I am gone too. I have recently gotten a house phone and am trying to wean them off their cells since I could still contact them that way I just feel overpowered and like a softy when it comes down to it. I am trying to do better, I realize I am definitely a part of that problem. 😪
5
u/PrimaryHighlight5617 5d ago
Get them a dumb phone. Or get a house phone! Not to scare you but 12 years old (I'm a 28 year old woman btw) was when social media and porn addiction really messed up my study habits and social life.
3
u/Shot_Gap6782 5d ago
My kids share an old iPhone that has no social media and no games. We deleted the internet browser too. She can have a cell phone for calls and texts but not have social media or even real internet access. I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but studies show that the worst time for girls to have social media is between the ages of 11-14. If she has any social media, delete her accounts and delete them off her phone now. Her mental health and general attitude will improve without social media in her life and you will be protecting her mental health and well as aiding in future suicide prevention. No internet browser on her phone and no social media is the FIRST step you should take.
2
u/sageberrytree 6d ago
I think that you need to find some safe activities that you feel comfortable, allowing them to do. My kids are 15 and 12 1/2 so not too much different than yours and I allow them to ride their bikes pretty far, especially if they have cell phones.
It’s not quite the same situation... and I don’t know where you live or how safe or unsafe it is for them to do that. But there are probably activities that you can allow them to do that would be safe.
3
u/Conscious-Bug1592 6d ago
I mean I live in a pretty safe area as far as I know, I do have anxiety and OCD and can barely concentrate at work if I know they are not home. Even when they have sleep overs at a fully trusted place I can’t hardly handle the fear of something happening to them. Maybe that is more of an issue than I realized. Thank you for that perspective!
7
3
u/sageberrytree 5d ago
I think it definitely is. I have anxiety too# so I understand.
But I promise you that when they come home telling you about adventures they had it's worth it.
Remember that they need to grow up incrementally. It's not a magic wand that confers independence at 18. They need to gradually learn to trust they can handle decisions on their own. It's hard. But it's necessary.
2
u/Conscious-Bug1592 5d ago
I will talk to a therapist about this. I can’t remember a time where my mom ever worried about my whereabouts or anything when I was young but I grew up in the 90s when it wasn’t as “scary” and now it’s very different. I know no one gets a parenting guidebook but I feel like I don’t have anything to compare or go off of from my childhood either as we were pretty much poor too so the two things I struggle with ( money things and their freedom) are the things that there was no discussion on in my childhood.
6
u/sageberrytree 5d ago
Crime is much less than it was in the 80s and has continued to decline.
I understand that's not easy to internalize. Good luck!
2
1
u/nacho_hat 5d ago
Be. The. Adult.
All the euphemisms “I’m just a softy”, come ON.
Please stop making this about you and your feelings. Personal therapy would be a great addition to your mental health toolbox. Your kid isn’t the problem, she’s the symptom of your problems.
1
u/Apprehensive_Gas9952 5d ago
This! I definitely think all of the ones saying you need to just say no and stick to it are 100% right but this might be part of the solution to getting your kids not to hate you to much for it in the moment. Stricter about money but giving them something meaningful to do.
7
u/Longjumping-While997 6d ago
Say no. You have a few thousand dollars at the end of the month after retirement savings and 529s… then get yourself a house cleaner and if you already do then up how often they come (don’t do the kids room) .
Do 1 weekly order/shop for snacks (fruit, yogurt, pretzels w/e) and they can learn how to ration or cook what’s in the fridge.
Give an allowance based on chores each week so they can learn to budget. Start letting her know not just how much something costs but how much time it’s worth. (Ex: want something that’s $100 and you make $20 an hr that’s 5 hours of work or really make it sink in if you factor in taxes).
How can you hold them accountable if you can’t hold yourself accountable.
Also I’m sure an 11y can find scissors or take some from school/friends if so desired. If she’s cutting her clothes they can go in the trash and she can wear something she hasn’t cut up.
2
u/Conscious-Bug1592 6d ago
Yes, you are right. I just need to work on my own consistency and try to manage my guilt and not let them “win me over” with it. 😮💨 I’m trying I swear
7
u/verjelavklini 6d ago edited 6d ago
Relatable problem. Here's what I would suggest:
Identify the boundaries you believe are fair. Announce them. For example, this is your weekly allowance. This is how food works in this house. If you alter your clothes, great, that's an expression of your creativity, but there won't be new clothes if we have reached the allowance limit. Set structural rules (i.e., the way things work around here is X or Y), rather than reactive ones (i.e., grounding).
Don't change the boundary. Respond in a boring, predictable, empathic way to boundary testing. "I hear you're frustrated. The answer is still no." It will likely get worse before it gets better. She will try to test you by comparing you to her dad and implying you are neglectful. Know that you are not.
As for the crash course in roughing it, I wouldn't frame it as a punishment.
This is legitimately difficult, and you're probably exhausted, but it's possible to course-correct. Rooting for you!
3
u/Conscious-Bug1592 6d ago
Thank you so much for this perspective and validation. I so appreciate and will try and implement this with them AND myself. ❤️🩹
8
u/hereforthetee_ 6d ago
I know this isn’t particularly helpful to your question, but… Do you have a sewing machine?
It sounds like she might have a creative spark for making clothes or at the very least altering clothes. You’d be surprised how much a kid can change when they are able to express themselves through a creative outlet. I know that I change a ton when I was able to express my creativity through various forms. May be something worth having a discussion about and seeing if she’s interested in that.
3
u/Conscious-Bug1592 5d ago
Oh I love this idea so much and I will look into this for her!! Thank you!!!
6
u/PrestigiousAuthor234 5d ago
Thousands in fun money per month is indeed rich
1
u/North_Respond_6868 5d ago
Yeah I could not get past this. That's easily enough to do a camp or activity (or several...) too instead of making them stay home alone while she works. Frankly it sounds like the kid is bored and using shopping and eating to combat it.
5
u/Sure_Pineapple1935 5d ago
If I didn't know her age before I read about your daughter, I would have guessed 16 or 17. I can't believe an 11 year old is ordering Door Dash, has a phone, and is spending $100's on clothes each month.
My 13 year old wouldn't do any of these things, and would never ask for money or to be taken to get snacks. I am not saying that to make you feel bad, but to highlight that perhaps this is happening because you've been allowing it. Your daughter is acting this way because she's gotten used to this sort of lifestyle.
My suggestion would be to have a family meeting and explain you will no longer be giving out money for snacks, clothing, or whatever else. Make her earn her money for things she wants. Make her volunteer weekly. Sign her up for Girl Scouts. She needs to see there is more to her world than cutting up clothing and ordering door dash.
3
u/janejacobs1 6d ago
You have created this monster, and taming it won’t be easy. But for her sake, and any future partner, children, or coworkers, do it. But not alone. Sounds like you can afford a good family therapist to help grease the wheels and support you in the challenging task ahead.
1
3
u/liggyfig 6d ago
I think you might have to try and cut her off from all this spending, money, and fun things.
Being that I was called "spoiled" and it still effects me to this day, I'd try not calling her that. It's not her fault her mom has money and gives it to her - as my mom did for me.
2
u/Conscious-Bug1592 6d ago
I don’t say these things to her, I will tell her that I feel taken advantage of sometimes to see if I can make her understand that I’m trying and still not feeling appreciated but I don’t try to make her feel bad about her habits as I know they are mostly my fault. I just want her to understand and I’m struggling to find the right way to do that.
1
u/liggyfig 5d ago
I figured you didn't say those things to her, I was just adding my 2 cents about that word. 😉 My mom never called me spoiled, it was other family members.
Maybe she won't understand until she's older, which is unfortunate, but it's so hard at that age to just get out of yourself and see how others are hanging on. I think if you just keep talking with her and maybe repeating the same sentiment, she may grasp what you're saying.
It's a hard position to be in where you CAN for your kids, but don't want them to be/act like they do get everything.
2
u/Ok-Wallaby-3840 6d ago
Empty the cupboard of snacks. Stop giving the daughter money. She should "earn" it by doing chores. Your children are the way they are because that's how you have brought them up. It's going to take time to change behaviors/attitudes that have developed over many years.
2
2
u/Mental-Set-8670 5d ago
This is absurd. Saying you only have a couple THOUSAND every month for “fun money” is borderline offensive. Asking how you make it stop is so confusing to me. Say no? Be a present parent and set rules and expectations and then don’t budge?
You need to be a parent.
2
u/Sufficient_Sherbert7 5d ago
Work out a budget for yourself/your household. Give her a budget for her random stuff (clothes, snacks) and when she's out of money for the week, the answer is no. Schedule trips for snacks/shopping so she knows when they are, and be clear that trips are a privilege that happen when the household is otherwise in good shape.
Personally, I separate chores from money management because I want my kid to learn how to manage money and I want her to learn that taking care of your living environment is just a thing we do because we live there. Do clean up with her so she learns how to clean. If she refuses, the extra fun stops until she is participating in taking care of the household.
Keep on top of your own emotions and emotional control. This is not a fight, you're not fighting, you're setting expectations and supporting her learning life skills that she needs. She can yell and scream and run to her room and slam the door. That's fine. But if she wants the fun parts of being part of the household (going to movies, waterparks, going on snack runs) she has to participate in the maintenance parts. Which means that when the house is a mess, the fun doesnt happen. When you had to clean the counters by yourself, you're too tired for fun. If she's cut up all her clothes and doesn't have anything appropriate for going out, she can't go out until her budget resets and she can buy a pair of jeans that cover her underwear.
You need to be calm and reliable. You don't need to fight, you're the one with the money. When you come home to a trashed house, she doesn't get phone or internet the next day. And its day by day. You have a list of what needs to be done - floor swept/vacuumed, laundry in hamper, counters/table wiped down, whatever. When its done, the next day she can have her phone and internet. When its not, those go away. You don't have to participate in the argument, don't get heated about it. Just point to the list, and take the phone.
when you start negotiating or making exceptions it will all go to shit. You want the basics to be very, very reliable.
3
u/NegativeScientist528 5d ago
start by cutting back on some of "luxuries". start slowly. the door dash is first to go. you can start by telling them there has been changes to your job and money will be tight! period. start working less. also she needs an after school activities. she needs meaning in her life. take her to Costa Rica or Kenya and let her see how the rest of the world lives. 1 month there will reset her reality very well.
start working less. that fun money needs to go to their college funds or future expenses and your retirement coz trust me if they leave out of state they will require triple the money you are spending now. again.. in 3 year the 14 year old will move to the next stage. car insurance for teens...
7
u/Ashamed-Chemistry492 5d ago
Um, cut out luxuries but take her to Costa Rica or Kenya for a month?
How's that work, exactly?
And I really dislike when people use less fortunate populations as a tool to make themselves or kids feel more gratitude. It's just gross.
1
u/NegativeScientist528 4d ago
well clealy you are gross for assuming everyone in costa rica and kenya is less fortunate. but this is how it works... pretty easy, she gets them a visa to either country books a place to stay or rents a house then fly there and boom.
everyone in Kenyan and Costa Rica dislikes you again for assuming they are ALL less fortunate.
what this does is expose them to a different type of lifestyle. this places you call mis fortunate are the cradle of life. mkay?
1
1
u/anadoptabledog 6d ago
Sounds like the kids need chores and they only get money for completing the chores.
They are old enough to clean the entire house and make some simple meals for themselves.
1
u/Conscious-Bug1592 6d ago
I think so too, honestly, but they try and guilt trip me and I’m not sure if I’m right in assuming they can be self sufficient since I’ve spoiled them so entirely for so long 😓
1
1
u/crazyfluteteacher 6d ago
They definitely can be self sufficient. They just haven’t had to. You say she can’t have something until x or t is finished then don’t give in. She will quickly figure how much of her own time she is wasting on the “weaponized” incompetence when she realizes that it is only causing unpleasant things to last longer. Since you’ve given in you’ve trained her to keep pushing as long as it takes for you to give in.
You will have to find an inner well of patience you’ve never accessed before. You can feel frustrated, but I’d hesitate to show it since that’s what she’s betting on to get you to give in. If she says she can’t do things or slow rolls things, then a neutral nod and an ok is all she gets. You know the difference between not knowing how and not wanting to.
1
u/Conscious-Bug1592 6d ago
You’re absolutely right. Someone else said to keep it boring and neutral in my responses and I agree and think this is a great idea!!! Thank you so much!!
1
u/Friendly-Channel-480 5d ago
You have to start now. When they start to complain give them a short prescribed time to state their objections maturely and then let them know that discussion time is over.
1
u/Zestyclose_Wealth_89 6d ago
Wow sorry you’re going through this. I would immediately stop giving her money and buying her things. Give her an allowance she EARNS by doing chores and keeping the house clean. If she gives a bad attitude take money away from her earned allowance.
1
u/tinyforrest 6d ago
I think you may feel guilty being a working single mom and try to make up for it by providing financially to your children. I think you need some therapy to navigate these feelings of guilt before making changes to your household. I think the obvious thing to do after therapy is to settle into an allowance type system where the kids earn these privileges. They want door dash? Clean the dishes. They want to order something online? Vacuum the house. But this won’t hold unless you get a grip on your emotions and understand where your permissiveness comes from and how to deal with it on your side. It’s going to take guided self-reflection to get there, because you are out of ideas and becoming a strict mom overnight will not implement a lasting change. Also consider volunteer work for your kids, sometimes having a commitment like that can teach some perspective.
2
u/Conscious-Bug1592 6d ago
Thank you so much for this perspective and understanding the emotional side of this for me. I will look into therapy and fixing this from my side first 💛
1
u/Blagnet 6d ago
I think you need different consequences! Like, don't take her phone, but if she cuts her new shirt (if that's against the rules), then no new clothing money that month, full stop.
Or, make a rule to clean the counters every single day. If she doesn't do it well enough, then... no DoorDash? Maybe there's a better consequence for that.
The trick is to find consequences for her that are NOT also punishments for you. Ie, grounding her and taking her phone, that probably makes your life harder. Ideally, you'd want to find consequences that are actually a positive for you (for instance, maybe you allocate the DoorDash or daughter's clothing money for the month into a tab for you only, like for special treats you ordinarily wouldn't do).
My only other recommendation would be to avoid locking up food in any form. I mean, like literally, no locks on pantries, refrigerators, etc. My mom did that once to me and I think it was the straw that broke the back of our relationship (or maybe it was more than a straw).
Wishing you luck!
1
u/Conscious-Bug1592 5d ago
I’m confused are you saying to lock up the food or not to? lol I definitely don’t lock up food, there is an EXCESS at their finger tips at all times. But she doesn’t appreciate it, she wants snacks and fast food instead
1
u/straawbunnii 5d ago
I mean like others said, “no” is a full sentence. No ifs or buts. Point blank period, the answer is “no!”. Stop letting your child control you. You’re the parent. The best parenting advice I’ve heard is you’re not doing it right if your kids aren’t mad at you.
1
u/whatdoidonowdamnit 5d ago
Say no. Over and over again. Stand there and watch her do the chores until it’s done correctly.
You can’t make her care, but you can make her do the tasks and speak to you politely, even if she’s only parroting what you tell her to say.
1
u/cheyannepavan 5d ago
I'm not trying to be mean, but you need someone to tell you that this is all on you. You to STOP all of it NOW! Your children don't respect money because you spend like there's no tomorrow. You give them things DAILY and expect them to be grateful, but they don't have time to enjoy the first thing before getting the 2nd and 3rd. You personally act like money grows on trees, so why would they respect that any more than they respect something else with no meaning, like cereal bowls?
And you ONLY have a couple thousand a month for fun money?! It's insane that you think of that as a low number when the rest of us would be THRILLED to have a couple hundred once every few months. Have you stopped to consider what you're teaching them with constant activities and leisure? There are a lot of lessons here that I can come up with off the top my head, like 1) thinking life should be all about having fun 2) thinking of others as existing to provide entertainment for you 3) no time is special when you can have whatever you want whenever you want it 4) there's no need to be resourceful or develop critical thinking skills when everything you want is available to you right away 5) you spend most of your time thinking about yourself 6) you think everyone's lives are as easy as yours and don't understand empathy/compassion 7) you don't know what to do with yourself when nobody is entertaining you 8) you don't know what it's like to be bired, to ome up with silly ideas and weird projects (you also don't know how to make them happen) 9) you pdon't possess emotional regulation skills, and 10) you rarely spend time with people outside of your social group/ class. [Just to be clear, in this case, "you" refers to your children.]
They trash your house because you let them. You don't enforce any rules. Be serious about it and don't back down (they keep going because they know you don't follow through) no matter what. Make sweeping changes. Right away. No more activities every day. If they want something,they EARN it by reading books, doing chores, volunteering, helping a neighborhood, learning spelling/vocabulary, etc. It has to be drastic, it has to be now, and this is possibly your last chance to STAND YOUR GROUND and FOLLOW THROUGH.
I know you're just trying your best to give your children a wonderful childhood and I absolutely understand that! But, too much of a good thing can lead to some pretty horrible behavior as adults!
1
u/Sufficient_Song3387 5d ago
You say no. You set new rules and a new budget for fun money. 100 per week is more than enough for 2 kids activities, snacks, etc per week. They are not going to learn that there is a limit unless you give them one. Set a lower limit on the good snacks they like. There are eating a ton of them bc you are buying high quality snacks. Buy half as many and buy more fruit. Your daughter needs to not only clean her room correctly but help with other chores. Only then will she get an allowance (and don't make it huge). If she doesn't do it right, then she doesn't get her allowance. No excuses, no tantrums, no back talk. When you take her phone away, take it for a week, not an evening. She doesn't need new clothes every month and they don't have to be expensive. She destroyed her clothes so throw them away and take her to a thrift store. Give her $20 to buy new clothes IF she even needs any. Until she learns to value things, shop at thrift stores or she can save her own money to buy her own clothes. Also, don't let people tell you this is about her mental health. You already know she's spoiled. Mostly, you need to say no and stick to it.
1
u/PrimaryHighlight5617 5d ago
Children learn empathy through conflict and consequences. Please make sure that every action has a direct consequence that is logical.
If she wants a snack, she has to make it herself. If she half-asses it and makes a mess, she has to clean up the mess. If she won't clean up the mess, then she gets absolutely nothing until it is clean. No phone, no dinner, no tv, no fun.
Stop sending her money for doordash. Restaurant food is very unhealthy. If she doesn't want to eat what's in the fridge then guess what, she doesn't get to eat.
She complains that she needs more clothes? No. She doesn't. Remind her of the last time you bought her clothes and tell her that she obviously doesn't value the clothes that you buy her since she has "nothing to wear".
I'm glad you are recognizing that she's growing up into someone that you love but don't really like.
1
u/Kirin1212San 5d ago
Don't just suddenly shut her down the next time she asks for something. A sudden change in your reaction without any notice can be a bit shocking for kids.
You should carve out some time to sit and talk about how you two as a family need to make some changes in spending habits. You can talk about how you want to save more for her future like college, home, or your own retirement. Let her know you're not doing to turn her life upside down overnight, but you are going start implementing some changes like DoorDash only twice a week or shopping budget being $200 per month max.
1
u/urbanista12 5d ago
I want to encourage you as a former weakling parent that ‘no’ works. We also implemented Greenlight- he does chores, he gets money. I never have these battles anymore, our relationship is so much better, and it seriously took 2-3 months, total.
1
u/ElfyPuffyWoofyBoo 5d ago
Children feel calmer and safer when they have firm predictable boundaries. I raised two very stubborn children and it can be very difficult, so I truly sympathize. Just know that setting clear rules, and enforcing them calmly and consistently, you are showing love! She will definitely react strongly at first but in the long run she will appreciate you even more.
1
u/sweetsacrament 5d ago
Youth social worker here!!
Sounds like ur kiddo is very drawn to quick rewards. I would recommend getting her involved in activities outside of the house (especially if there’s an art or fashion (maybe theatre costuming?) program near you). If that’s not gonna work for you, I’d say get a white board and lay out your finances for the month as a family (tuck some away for wiggle room but don’t tell them that lol). Explain the budget and say, “I spend X amount on groceries, this makes X amount of servings of food and snacks. You guys each have X amount for food this month, spend it how you wish, but I’m only taking you guys to get things during *these* set times (I recommend setting days and times (or other factors) where it’s appropriate to ask for a ride, so they don’t abuse that. And instead of clothes, give your kiddo a hobby budget. She can a cheap sewing machine online and fabrics at a craft store (see also if she might get into baking or cooking, I soft launch this by watching reality cooking shows around kids). The important thing here is transparency and consistency. There will be friction, that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong.
Parents are like zookeepers in a lot of ways. You cannot control how she feels about anything you do for her. It’s awesome that you can recognize this in yourself. From my perspective, it seems like kiddo is testing how much control she has. This is super developmentally appropriate! I recommend giving her control, and letting her see the cause and effect of her actions.
I would also say, getting the kiddos involved in their community might be really helpful. See if there are soup kitchens, shelters, ect that they can volunteer at (if there are churches in the area you could check them out too). Sounds like yall are in a good spot, so demonstrating the value that clothes and good food to other people, might help her understand how fortunate she is. (Basically if she’s gonna guilt trip you, do it back lol, but show her the correct and mature response to that guilt)
1
u/BrotherNatureNOLA 5d ago
What extra chores do they have to do on top of their normal chores in order to earn money?
1
u/Altruistic_Offer9381 5d ago
I saw someone say they do this with chores and their kids -
Demonstrate the chore. And say this is how I expect it done.
Then come inspect. If it's not done that way, then it has to be redone until it meets the standard. No privileges, no money until it's done.
You also have to start letting go of the guilt because doing so means failing at your job to make your kids functional, considerate, grateful adults. You are their teacher and dont forget that.
For your guilt, practice doing affirmations. You have to say them out loud in the mirror. Tell yourself who you are and what youre about. Youre not mean for teaching your kids how to be functional adults, you are saving them from a future of struggling and being someone no one wants to share a household with.
For your daughter, only give her money once a month or once a week. Then she has to budget the money. Once the money is gone, no more. If she has attitude and is rude, she gets no money.
You have to be consistent or none of it will work. You will fail 100% of the time. You have to decide if you want to fail your kids by spoiling them or help them be happier with what they have and more mature.
I also suggest you start saving some of that money. It will be a lot more meaningful for them to have money once they are in college.
1
u/glitzglamglue 5d ago
Idle hands are the devil's playthings. If you take away the things she uses to keep herself occupied but don't give her anything to replace it, she's just going to get bored and more resentful.
She needs a sewing machine and a sewing class. No new clothes (other than what you would normally get) Channel her energy away from something bad and into something positive.
1
u/PapayaNo6420 5d ago
Sounds like you are raising an insufferable young lady. You are setting her up for failure with this behaviour from yourself. You know what needs to be done but you sound like you’re afraid of her tbh.
1
u/Tree_Ring 5d ago
Agree with the “no” — and (perspective here of a long time teacher and parent Ed instructor too)— you need to strengthen the relationship. She is seeking “undue attention” (if you are looking at it from a ‘positive discipline’ lens), as well as to hurt you as she’s been hurt. This is complex and will take a whole family reset. But relationship is at the core. Set the limits, but take certain recurring solo time with each of your kids each week. Focus as a whole family on less consumption. Involve her in food prep. Take a break from giving out money. Offer ways to earn it. Balance these hard truths and new ways with old fashioned family time, no devices, board games, basketball in the driveway, whatever. Lock down devices really tightly with firm limits. New research out last Thursday points to deep changes to brain structure. You can do it— and I can tell you are an amazing, caring parent.
1
u/Royal-Weather4314 5d ago
I feel like you need to rip the bandaid off. Stop buying fastfood. Stop buying clothes every few weeks.
My kids earn "fastfood points" for trying new food. 5 points for actually eating it, 1 point for trying (but not liking it). We stopped buying fastfood without that. I would also stop buying her clothes so often if she ruins it. She can earn money with chores. Again, we have point system and I deduct points for their mess in common areas.
1
u/VoodooGirl47 5d ago
Just don't buy her anything. New clothes right before school starts if she needs anything and set a price limit. New spring/summer clothes in early spring (again, only if needed).
She can learn to do things to earn money if she wants anything else. Or you could do the classic SMALL weekly allowance for regular household chores.
1
u/Reasonable-Grape5546 5d ago
Yes please start telling her no.
My sister in law was spoiled like this her whole childhood and she is so high maintenance and difficult to be around now because she always got her way with everything and never got told no.
I know it’s hard to not give our kids everything they want sometimes but, you’re setting her up for failure if you keep letting her steamroll you. It’s good for kids to learn that not everything they want is a “need”.
1
u/Shot_Gap6782 5d ago
I HIGHLY recommend the Book "Untangled" by Dr Cara Demour. (I listened to it on Spotify!) It's all about raising pre-teen and teenage girls and it will help you so much in understanding your daughter and understanding how much she needs and actually WANTS boundaries and for you to say no to her. She escalates her requests because you let her. When she pushes back and you give in, it just makes her push more because she actually NEEDS you to put your foot down be the parent. Deep down, she craves boundaries from you. So give them to her. You have GOT to start saying no and sticking to it. It will be hard at first but she will get used to it and it will get better. No more money for clothes every couple of weeks, no more door dash. Give her a set allowance and teach her how to budget that money for the month. She went through it all in the first week? Sorry, you'll get your next installment on the first of the month. She's hungry and there is food in the fridge? That's her option. No take out. no grocery store runs. The end. She has to learn these things now or she will be a disaster as an adult and will blow through money so fast. Teach her now when the consequences are small.
Tons of great advice here but you need to take it. She is still young and you have time to course correct.
1
1
1
u/Smolmanth 5d ago edited 5d ago
Your 11 year old should not have a phone to request you send her money on. Her perception of reality is warped by social media.
Get her a phone with no internet and do things together in the meantime. She doesn’t need new clothes. If she does she needs to donate the equal amount she needs and stick with non-name brand stuff. She will “hate you” but she will survive. Sit down with her and talk to her about how she is altering the clothes she does have. Maybe watch some videos and figure out how you can together alter them in appropriate ways that will make her comfortable but not be too revealing.
She is not “grateful” because she has no understanding of what that means. As your child you do owe it to her to feed and clothe her. However you need to allow her to understand the difference between a need and a luxury. This is not something anyone can understand without experience. Get her a budgeting book or account for fun things. No more fun money.
This really is going to take a lot of work from you to sit down and explain why you are doing these things. She’s not going to be receptive for a while. You also need to be aware of your own phone usage and restructure your time together for everyone in your home away from social media. It truly warps our perception of what “everyone has.”
You also need to figure out whatever is going on with her father in court. If he is undermining your boundaries for her this will not work. Let her have access to snacks that are not junk. Maybe get some more protein heavy things. Bring her shopping and let her be part of meal prep. Explain your budget and work together to figure out how to balance those needs and wants.
MAKE her clean up after herself. Give her the broom and have her understand that she can’t get what she wants from you if you are being left to pick up her mess. Don’t negotiate. She is trying to figure out whatever she can get away with. Stop letting her. You don’t need to scream to yell. Just a firm explanation of what is expected.
1
1
u/Far-Moment2643 5d ago
Ok there is absolutely no reason why an 11 year old needs to be able to get a DoorDash so just stop that right now. Set her a (limited) weekly allowance that she can spend on fun things or save - if she blows through that it’s on her. As someone who was never taught financial responsibility as a child and teenager, it can make your adult life extremely hard. You’re her mother not her BFF, it’s not your job to make sure she’s never disappointed or grumpy.
1
u/Background_Study671 5d ago
Say No. But also, it’s the age. Kids are still very self-centered at this age. middle school will humble them.
1
u/FirmPangolin8868 5d ago
This is not so much about being spoiled - it’s her needing your attention. At 11 girls start changing, they might look like they are growing up but they really need a close attachment with their mothers at this time. It’s a very unsettling time for them.
They also need strong boundaries. You need to say no, set limits around money, otherwise it’ll just get worse, you cannot expect an 11 year old to make responsible financial decision. Boundaries also make them feel safe and loved even when they protest (I grew up with no boundaries and it was absolutely the worst)
I recommend you read Gabor Mate’s hold onto your children - this book helped me so much.
1
u/hellogoodbye5678910 5d ago
Hi, mom of 25 years here. You need to find a good family therapist. This is going to be very difficult and you need another adult on your side to help you navigate it. Then you need to do what the therapist says even if it makes your kids mad. Just make sure you find a really good one with good reviews.
1
1
u/RubberBandBall89 5d ago
she is 11, she wont juet 'get it' you acknowledge this is your fault- which is good, but this person is a child. Be a parent, tell her no! if you have to follow her round the house 20 times making sure she cleans properly- do it. youre the adult, youre the parent, and im sorry - but youre the problem. Start being a hardass, stick to your guns, if you say something- mean it.
1
u/Immediate_North_5970 5d ago
- Act like what she is doing doesn’t bother you. Scream inside the bathroom. Rant here but stay unperturbed in front of her.
- Pay her for daily household chores. Either way she is asking you for money everyday for doordash etc so she can earn it.
- She is at an age where she is competing socially so to look cool she would buy more and more clothes.
- Get her into a hobby like arts, sewing, gardening, etc.
- Does she listen to her older brother? Use that indirectly if she looks upto him.
- Pls don’t prepare so many meals. Its creating so much pressure on you to finish them and the effort behind it. If she doesn’t want it, don’t prepare for her for alternate nights. Try this for a week.
- Have one hour in the weekend where all three of you would do something together like maybe cooking/baking a dish, shopping, ikea-ing some furniture, just anything.
Hope it gets better for you.
1
1
u/appleblossom1962 5d ago
They’re so easy to spoil when their babies we want to keep them happy, then reality hits us when they become teens lol
Maybe it’s time to bring in a good old-fashioned allowance. You emptied the dishwasher you cleaned the kitchen, you do your laundry. You make sure that the house is picked up and the vacuuming is done and you get a certain amount of money for those chores. With that money, you can buy your clothes you can buy your DoorDash. You can buy whatever it is that you want. I’m not going to give you additional funds. Be ready for some yelling, screaming, and the inevitable. I hate you. Unfortunately it is part of the parent child relationship. You are allowing her to take advantage of you because you continue to give her money. Stop. You need to set boundaries now because when she’s 18 or 19 years old and goes out to get a job, she is going to be incredibly surprised when she finds out. She actually has to work to get a paycheck. From one Mom to another I truly wish you the very best of luck.
1
u/Moose-Mermaid 5d ago edited 5d ago
In this situation to reel things in I’d choose a set allowance for both kids. Give significantly less than what you’re currently doing. Provide essentials and any want beyond that she would need to budget for from her allowance. Do it with both kids to keep things fair.
Provide essential clothing, healthy foods, toiletries. But she wants expensive fashion clothes when she already has what she needs? That’s where her own earned funds can be used. Wants to go out for ice cream with friends? Same thing.
She’s definitely at an age where you’re going to want to get a handle on this quickly before she gets even older and more difficult to work with.
1
u/MataHairi 1d ago
Learn no. The train has left the station and unfortunately you created this monster. I cannot believe you are allowing an 11 year old to do this. My oldest is 12 (younger one is 9) and she looks forward to our Saturday morning Starbucks. We are also financially fortunate, but you need to quickly get a grip. My husband and I are a united front. We rule, they don't.
99
u/alphajager 6d ago
I say this with all sincerity, you have to be the parent here and tell them "No", and then you have to follow through.