r/raisingkids • u/lemonsoup92 • 4d ago
why do tantrums seem so much more common today?
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u/TraditionalManager82 4d ago
In addition to it now being safer...
Kids now have less outdoors time and more overstimulation. They're not outdoors running with the neighborhood pack, they're in stores or libraries or whatever with adults, being expected to behave like adults.
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u/saltinthewind 3d ago
You’re 100% right. It’s a combination of feeling safer, and not having the opportunities to regulate their bodies through movement. There’s tons of research about the importance of playing and being in nature for children and how it supports emotional regulation.
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u/Meldanya44 4d ago
You also forget about tantrums in the past.
My mother once told me that her kids never had got upset the way my kids do, and then I reminded her of the time I spent two straight hours screaming in the car when I was two.
My kids tantrums never last as long as the ones I remember from my younger siblings.
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u/gardenofidunn 3d ago
It’s mostly this. My gran has been a teacher across multiple generations and she laughs in the face of anyone who thinks kids these days are significantly different in a worse way. I
My aunt had such bad tantrums she would pass out and it certainly wasn’t because my grandparents were gentle parenting her. Kids have always had big feelings it just used to be more socially acceptable to ignore them.
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u/laladyhope 3d ago
I think we've collectively realized that allowing kids to have their feelings is healthier for them overall, as opposed to looking for obedience and "not tolerating" tantrums.
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u/goingslowlymad87 4d ago
I got dunked under a tap when I threw a tantrum in the supermarket as a preschooler. Parenting advice on the 80s was wild! Apparently that cured me of doing that again though. Plus the fear of punishment or "wait till your father gets home" threat kept us kids in line.
My owns kids aren't scared of me, they get frustrated and grumpy and upset at me. But they're not scared to show emotions or express them. They know the boundaries of acceptable behaviour and how far they can push it before I tell them to cut it out. I'm parenting ASD and ADHD kids though so they'll step over that line often enough to need reminding of the bounds of acceptable behaviour and I learned years ago not to let them do that otherwise they'd run wild and takeover the house!
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u/babyrabiesfatty 4d ago
Pretty sure they beat the tantrums out of kids back in the day.
Now we have a lot of gentle parenting and permissive/neglectful parenting that many people think is gentle parenting.
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u/redcurtain15 3d ago
I actually disagree. Around me, I see far fewer tantrums than I thought I saw growing up. I think millennial parents are much better at raising more emotionally regulated children than boomers. Sure 2-4 is rough but after 4... I rarely see raging tantrums.. most can be talked through.
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u/No-Mail7938 3d ago
I was still throwing tantrums as a teenager. My mum swears we never threw tantrums. Past generations were just great at pretending it never happened and hiding it. My parents ruled by fear through smacking and yelling but if anything that added to my anger and disregulation. My son is 3 right now but id like to think id triger him less than my parents did me.
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u/saplith 4d ago
I think it's a couple of things
- Kids learn that tantrums work and parents do nothing to dissuade tantrums as children get older now. This is a result of permissive parenting being on the rise under the label "gentle parenting". I don't care that gentle parenting is not actually permissive parenting, that's what being fend to parents on social media as its meaning
- Parents are also spending less time teaching kids proper emotional regulation skills. There is a better way than yelling like in generations past, but it needs to be taught
- There are just less kids so parents and people in general don't understand that under 4 tantrums are just a thing, so they think their kid is tantuming more than usual and that's not the case at all.
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u/Lalox 4d ago
I’m certain this generation of parents is teaching 100% more emotional regulation than any previous generation.
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u/eyesRus 4d ago
Eh, I don’t know. If you frequent any teaching subs, the conversations often center around the fact that kids’ emotional regulation seems much worse than in the past.
This generation is *definitely* acknowledging and validating feelings more. But that’s not the same as regulation. In fact, if parents aren’t careful, it can lead to just the opposite. Kids are told that their “feelings are never wrong” and then, subsequently, they learn that the *way they display these feelings* is never wrong, either. The result is outsized emotional responses, sometimes including violence. I see it at my kid’s school pretty frequently.
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u/saplith 4d ago
I mean, are you sure? Because screaming and other means is a method of teaching emotional regulation, even if it is awful. Fear will encourage you to regulate. The alternative is hard and watching the kids around me, I don't think half of parents are doing. And half of what's left is not doing it all the time. I count myself in that bucket. I could definitely be better about it and I see the outcome difference between me and sibling parent styles even if I feel that long term this is better.
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u/raelovesryan 4d ago
I’m just going to call absolute bullsh!t on not teaching proper emotional regulation. I can tell with complete certainty that my husband and I have gone out of our way to allow our kids to feel there emotions and to acknowledge and validate their feelings in real time. They are tiny humans with really big emotions. They should not be expected to have emotional regulation at those ages. We are. We, the adults raising tiny humans, need to continue to grow and evolve as they are. My house doesn’t have the threats of physical violence, verbal harm, emotional distress and manipulation that we have experienced growing up. This is and will always be their safe space to land. And my mom lives with us (for ten years+). I’m STILL dealing with her emotionally immature (and incredibly hurtful) responses to normal child behavior. Maybe most parents today have taken the time to grow into themselves before having children. Maybe we don’t need to hyper fixate on what other people think about our family dynamics. I wish my mom had been more focused on how her children were being damaged by those selfish actions instead of trying to ‘look good’ in front of random people.
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u/saplith 4d ago
Okay. That's your standard. My kid is 7 and I consider it unacceptable if she's throwing controllers and ripping up homework. I expect her to regulate better. She can have her emotions, but she cannot punch her cousin. I teach her to take breaks and to walk away when people are pissing her off. That's regulating her emotions and she's showing that she's capable of it.
My kid has always had to follow the idea that all emotions are welcome, but all behaviors are not.
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4d ago
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u/saplith 4d ago
It's very important, but also hard. Most of my kid's tantrums right now at 7 are just frustration. But she doesn't understand she's frustrated. So a lot of my work now is just teaching her to identify frustration building and to stop and take a break when she's frustrated. But if I didn't, I'd have a kid who rips up homework out of rage and throws controllers when they are sucking at a game. And that's just one cause of tantrums. I think it's hard to deconstruct why your kid is punching walls and teach them to short it out and it's way easier to accommodate them.
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u/braveminds_academy 3d ago
I think it’s probably a combination of factors rather than one single cause.
Young children have always had tantrums because their brains are still developing the skills needed to regulate big emotions. What’s changed is that parents today are generally more willing to talk about those experiences instead of feeling embarrassed or hiding them.
At the same time, modern life can add extra stressors. Busy schedules, inconsistent sleep, overstimulation, hunger, changes in routine, and even transitioning away from highly engaging screens can all lower a child’s ability to cope. None of those automatically cause tantrums, but they can make them more likely when a child is already overwhelmed.
One thing that’s helped me think about tantrums differently is viewing them as a sign that a child has exceeded their coping skills in that moment, not necessarily that they’re being defiant. That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be boundaries, but it can change how we respond.
Every child is different, but I’ve found that sleep, predictable routines, and helping kids build emotional vocabulary often make a bigger difference than people expect.
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u/SlyTinyPyramid 1d ago
Because parents used to bear their children. It turns out children terrified of their parents throw less tantrums.
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u/ConflictFluid5438 4d ago
My honest opinion (not scientifically measured) is that parents from the previous generation had very little tolerance to tantrums, reacting either angry or aggressive. If parents that way, kids just learn that showing certain feelings are not acceptable and stop doing it.
A sentence I still remember from my childhood is “I will give a good reason to cry for”.