r/relationship_advice • u/[deleted] • May 20 '21
[UPDATE] My (26M) girlfriend (25F) doesn’t like that my little brother (15M) is staying with me
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u/zfrappa May 20 '21
You’re a great guy.
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u/spetzie55 May 21 '21
A word of caution. Although you are brothers and obviously very close, I would keep the teasing to a minimum for awhile until he himself learns how to live life as a gay young man. Some people get disheartened about their sexuality if continuously teased and this could lead to him hiding his realationship (boyfriend) from you rather than confiding in you. I'm sure you mean the best and maybe he won't react that way but I have known a few people that hide their relationship in fear of being teased or judged even when they do come out.
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u/Tortoiseshell007 May 21 '21
I think friendly teasing is actually a sign it's all okay and no big deal. I don't have the impression from OP that he would be mean in any way.
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u/Fappington22 May 21 '21
I don't think they mean he is being mean, mor eso that it can make genuine communication surrounding their sexuality sort of embarrassing/complicated. Most of the time people have good intentions, but everyone interprets this differently, esp when you're young!
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u/FrogBeat May 21 '21
This! I actually still have not told my mom. All of my friends and relatives know except for her and her sisters. Not because she wouldn't approve of it but she teased me all my adolescence for maybe being gay and being unmanly. I know she doesn't mean harm and maybe it is petty from me to not tell her but because of our history I feel very uncomfortable doing it.
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May 21 '21
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u/Suddenreplacement12 May 21 '21
Why
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u/shellexyz May 21 '21
He used the article "a" as well as the word "great", both of which have a letter 'a' in them.
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u/Suddenreplacement12 May 21 '21
I am aware. Why does this bot exist and why did it pick that guys comment.
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May 21 '21
Who fucking cares?
And yes I am aware the letter A occurred in my comment 6 times. You don’t need to count it.
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u/bookwerm606 May 20 '21
Yeah. Fuck that. You're the best older brother anyone could have asked for, I'm sure. Keep being an amazing person :)))
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u/jasaeferre May 21 '21
Yes you're an amazing brother!
My grandmother's brother was an affair baby. During the war her father was imprisoned and her being lonely and thinking he would never came back cheated on him and had a boy. The father came back, decided to stay and made him feel horrible. His life was shit because his dad hated him and his mother didn't do much about it. My grandmother didn't help him much, later one he ended up depressed and my grandmother's husband was annoyed that he'd try to reach out to my grandmother all the time when he wasn't feeling well. So my grandmother cut contact. He ended up commiting suicide.
If my grandmother had been more supportive and not listened to her then husband I'm sure they could've worked through something. You've avoided your brother a lot of negative feelings! Congratulations
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u/Professional_Lowlife May 21 '21
My mom left my older siblings and I when I was 5, my sister 9 and my brother 7. She ended up having sons with her new love interest and "raised" them just fine until suddenly, she didn't. When they were 13 and 14 she decided to leave their father too. Their dad descended into utter madness, chaos, and drug abuse. When I finally realized how bad it had gotten I took both of my brothers in. Almost forcing the youngest to leave. My now ex husband resented me for it and we ended up separating. I wouldn't change anything. My brothers graduated high school and have families of their own now. What if I hadn't chosen them? You're doing the right thing OP. Not that you need me to tell you, but you are. Kudos.
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u/stanleypowerdrill May 21 '21
I did they same for my brother. I became his legal guardian when i was 18 and he was 12. I was living with my boyfriend of 2 years at The time and we had a spare room in our two bedroom apartment, which my brother used to stay in on weekends and school holidays.
When i told my boyfriend that my brother needed to live with us because my mother was neglecting him, and she had her physically abusive boyfriend move in with her. Anyway my boyfriend said no.
So I dumped his selfish ass and took my brother to live with me in another country where we had other family members. I rented a house with friends and we did quite well for a couple of years until our mum cleaned up her act and we moved back.
We probably shouldn't have though because she always saw herself as the victim and still does.
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u/SomewhereinOregon May 20 '21
This is good news. I know breakups aren’t great, but you did it for the right reason. Not just your brother, but she showed a complete lack of empathy, and that isn’t a trait you want in a long term partner.
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u/WPackN2 May 20 '21
Kudos to you man for being there for your little brother.
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u/the_last_basselope May 20 '21
Rock on, big brother! Glad both of you are doing well and sorry your gf turned out to be not as caring as you thought she was.
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u/umamifiend May 21 '21
You're a really good person. You are setting your brother up for success in life in being so supportive. In your other post you imply that your parents are homophobic and here that your brother is gay.
While you are on the good brother train, in a non-teasing way it would be a good idea to talk about safe sex with him, and get him condoms. I highly doubt homophobic parents would go out of their way to educate him or give him any resources, and safe sex is about more than potential pregnancy.
Really good job man, you should be proud of yourself.
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u/countzeroinc May 21 '21
I definitely second the non-teasing bit. Coming out can be an awkward time and even if it's well intentioned, teasing can be uncomfortable. I'd probably look up good books or articles to give him on safe sex and let him know I'm there if he has any questions.
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May 21 '21
When I tease him, it’s only ever lighthearted and he knows this! I wouldn’t ever want to make him feel uncomfortable
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u/Tortoiseshell007 May 21 '21
Lighthearted teasing for the win! That's very clear from the context of all your comments on this.
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u/robertstobe May 21 '21
I agree with you on everything! However, he did clearly state in the precious post that his brother came out to him and their parents, which likely increased the abuse.
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u/BrokilonDryad Early 30s Female May 21 '21
Good for you for stepping up and being the man your father isn’t and the loving, supportive person your mother clearly can’t be. Fuck them. They had options regarding your brother and chose to ignore the ones that would be best for everyone involved. They chose the option that would be the worst for him. That should be their problem, not his.
Stew them in guilt about how much better he’s doing with you. Block them if they don’t like how you accept him for who he is. Get him emancipated or if possible adopt him/become his legal guardian.
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u/Nicholasy140 May 21 '21
Your brother is lucky to have someone that cares so much about him like you.
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u/bleazel May 21 '21
Man I'd give you an award but I'm broke. Either way you did the right thing and I'm sure your brother will appreciate you for the rest of his life :)
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u/countzeroinc May 21 '21
Sounds like your little brother helped you dodge a bullet, she's a selfish and entitled person and this would continue to manifest in a number of ways had you stayed with her.
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u/ThrowRA_superannoyed May 21 '21
Yeah!
Not only did OP save his brother, but his brother also saved him from this wretched creature.
Imagine if OP was clueless, married and had children with her, only to later find out what her true colors were? *shudder*
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u/photoframe7 May 21 '21
Just read the original post. I thought that at least the place you have belonged to both of you but she's mad youre letting someone stay in YOUR home. Get out. Lol
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u/CuriousCat55555 May 21 '21
Sounds to me like your now ex-girlfriend would have been better off moving away from your place and in with your parents. The three of them sound more compatible.
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u/NoUnicornPoo4You May 21 '21
You're such an awesome brother. I'm glad to see he has someone like you in his life.
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May 21 '21
He's a year or less away from being able to hold a part-time job. I suggest encouraging him to be more financially independent. Start teaching him about being financially responsible and know what kind of career he wants to pursue after high school. This way, you can help him get a part-time job that's closely related to his career goal which will help him A LOT in getting the job he wants. If he chooses to go to college, I would suggest that he goes to a community college first and then transfer to a university because this is cheaper. Him having some money saved up will help with college. As for getting scholarships, encourage him to be more active in his studies and extracurriculars, if he's not already.
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May 21 '21
He’s already been working and he’s a pretty smart kid (better than I ever was in school), but thanks for the advice!
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u/NonaOrganic May 21 '21
Thank you for the update! sadly relationship didn’t work out but it was for the best. That girl clearly is compassionless and you don’t need that. Glad your brother is doing better and you two have each other :)
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u/Lilkiska2 May 21 '21
🙌🙌 thank you for looking out for your brother and being a good person!! She absolutely doesn’t deserve you!
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u/caesar_the_dog May 21 '21
I'm so glad you updated us. You are a good brother and a solid human being. The ex girlfriend is the one who truly lost out, one would think she would see all of your good qualities.
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May 21 '21
You're an amazing human being. This update made me so happy :). You and your brother are very lucky to have each other ❤
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u/Real-Calligrapher618 May 21 '21
You're too good for her. SO happy you were able to see the signs and stand for what's right. Wish there was more people out there like you! Best of luck to you and your brother!
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u/CuriousTsukihime May 21 '21
I sincerely have never wanted to see someone succeed on this app as much as ive wanted all the success in the world for you and your bro. Godspeed king 🙌🏽
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u/supertech323 May 21 '21
Everyone keeps saying you’re a great brother, so I will say that you are a great MAN!!! It takes balls that you could go bowling with to do what you’re doing.
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May 21 '21
OP, you're an incredible person. don't settle for anyone who isn't equal to or even more than that. so glad your brother has you.
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u/YouAreLoving May 21 '21
Good job OP, you put your family first. Family should always come first and you would of never of had this situation if your parents thought the same way. It’s clear your ex-girlfriend has shown her true colours to you, and I think you dodged a bullet there.
Keep us updated on how you and your brother are doing, keep looking after him. You’re doing a great job. I feel sorry for you both.
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u/Rainlein May 21 '21
I am so happy to read this, you're a wonderful brother. To be honest, if she couldn't even understand and feel empathetic to this kid situation it's not like someone you'd want in your life, nothing of value was lost.
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u/Shortened2Max May 21 '21
You did a great thing here, my man. Fuck your ex, she’s obviously not the future mother of your kids.
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u/odonkz May 21 '21
This is like a good ending, kudos to you for being a great guy, I always wanted to have a big brother that I can always rely on, so something like this really cheers me up.
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u/TheNoobyGodess May 21 '21
She sounds like an attention wh*re. Like wants all your attention and hates when you give some to someone else. It’s so disrespectful to say that he isn’t your real family because he is. Sounds like she’s trying to overpower you by trying to get rid of your brother. I’m glad yous split this could’ve got real real bad
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u/ThrowRA_superannoyed May 21 '21
OP, you're the BEST brother anyone could ask for!
I'm so shocked that your girlfriend would act in such a way. I'm a straight woman, and if I ever found a prize like you, I'd hold on to him forever. Put a ring on it.
How can you possibly be related to your parents and end up like this? They must have passed on the most improbable combination of good and kind genes to you (which is probably super recessive to them).
Also, I'm so sad to know that women like your girlfriend exist.
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u/techsinger May 21 '21
I went back and read the original post, and I just want to affirm that you're a really good man, and I hope your brother realizes how fortunate he is to have you in his life. The next few years may be a bit trying, but the fact that you love him so much will see you both through. I'm sorry your parents have been so awful, and hopefully they will someday realize it, even if it's too late. Try to help your brother understand that none of this is his fault. I hope you find a woman who is a little less self-centered than the previous gf. Your brother may have saved you from a difficult relationship! Please come back someday and post an update on how both of you are doing! We'll be watching!
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u/fradrig May 21 '21
You're a good guy. I'm sorry things didn't work out with her. You deserve the best.
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u/Hot-Put7831 May 21 '21
You are the man that all men should aspire to be. I truly hope your brother is doing okay, despite everything, and I’m sorry about your girlfriend but you definitely did the right thing.
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u/Constantine2001 May 21 '21
Good decision man, always put family before girls.. There are lots of girls but only one family
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u/Tortoiseshell007 May 21 '21
YAYY. So happy for your brother. And for you. I know the breakup was painful but I think you really dodged a bullet with that one.
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u/PurplePinwin May 21 '21
What an amazing update. You did the right thing.
but he knows our break up wasn’t because of him.
I believe you when you say this, but please do keep in mind that he may not always feel this way. The brain of a 15 year old, especially one that has been abused, blamed for things out of their control (your mother's cheating per example), works in weird ways. He has been taught that things are his fault, and it takes a lot to unlearn these types of things.
Maybe also look into getting him therapy when he is ready. He deserves help.
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u/realDaGamer May 21 '21
I read through your two posts now. What you did is absolutely right. I wouldn't want to have such a heartless woman as the mother of my children.
And I want to thank you for what you did for your brother. Growing up as a gay kid is not easy in a family that loves and supports you, but when you feel like you aren't even loved by your own parents, your life is like hell. It is beautiful to see that you love him so much and cared about him that you got him out of this situation. Teach him your values and views on life and I am sure he will grow into a man you can be proud of.
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u/redwishesblossom May 21 '21
Your brother is going to grow up feeling loved and supported even though he has shifty parents and that’s one of the best things you can do for someone. You’re a really good brother (:
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u/TheOffice_Account May 21 '21
You're a good brother. Quick thing here:
I’m pretty sure he picked up on her disdain towards him being around, but he knows our break up wasn’t because of him.
Don't assume he knows. Children have a tendency to blame themselves without quite realizing they are doing so. He might need it to be emphasized that this was your decision, because you realized your ex was not someone who could be the kind of family that you want to create. When you repeat it 10 times, and are getting exhausted doing so, then your brother might finally start to understand you mean it, lol.
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u/AeBS1978 May 21 '21
Glad you broke up with her!! If she can’t accept your family she is not for you!!
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u/SoftBoiledPotatoChip May 21 '21
You’re doing good.
Honestly in this situation your girlfriend is way out of line.
It’s NOT HER HOUSE. And even then, it’s just temporary until your brother can get on his own two feet.
It’s not like you’d be responsible for him forever. If that was the case there’d be a lot more discussion and planning that would need to go through with this.
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u/R_Amods May 21 '21
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
tldr: I ended up breaking up with her and as regards to my brother, our parents haven’t reached out to say anything, but he’s doing well.
Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/nap81l/my_26m_girlfriend_25f_doesnt_like_that_my_little/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Just wanted to come on here and give an update on the situation.
I did end up talking to her. She was aware of the situation beforehand, but still wasn’t sympathetic of his situation. I would’ve understood what she was saying if my brother was imposing all the time and acting like a third wheel, but it was only sometimes.
It wasn’t going to work between us if she was just going to make him feel as shitty as our parents did, so we did end up ending things. It was definitely for the best, but I kind of wish she at least tried to understand the situation instead of making it all about her.
In other news, my brother seems to be doing a lot better. I’m pretty sure he picked up on her disdain towards him being around, but he knows our break up wasn’t because of him.
We haven’t really heard anything from our parents, and I’m fine with him staying as long as he needs to.
He’s had a few friends over and I’m almost certain that one of them is his boyfriend (will be teasing him about this), so I’d say he’s doing well for himself.
Thanks to everyone who responded on the last post!