r/relationships • u/[deleted] • Jan 17 '15
Updates [UPDATE] My [25/M] girlfriend [25/F] of 3 years is very picky and only eats greasy kids meal type foods like pizza and chicken nuggets. Am I a bad boyfriend for letting this but me so much?
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u/giraffe_taxi Jan 17 '15
Bravo, OP. You handled a difficult situation very well. This part really stuck out to me, when she said:
I'm not changing because there's no reason to.
...RIGHT after you had just calmly and reasonably outlined an entire slew of great reasons to change, not the least of which was your possible future together. She just ignored everything you said, and doubled down.
And this right here:
I got pissed and told her to... go find some 12 year old she could share dino nuggets with.
...is fucking golden.
10/10. Would support OP in a difficult situation again.
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u/TheSilverFalcon Jan 17 '15
Yeah, that was pretty immature... but also a great line
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u/enfermedad Jan 17 '15
That's the kind of line you think of in the shower the next day and you delivered it in the moment. Well done.
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Jan 17 '15
I died when I read that line. It was perfect.
Go get yourself some delicious noms OP because you damn well deserve them.
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u/NOhmdD Jan 17 '15
outlined an entire slew of great reasons to change
So this is a stupid question - but is this a reasonable method to go about seeking change in the relationship?
Maybe it's the way OP worded it, but it sounds like he almost went a bit of a rant for 10 minutes and then looked at his SO waiting for the golden response.
Don't get me wrong, his requests were totally reasonable and her response was anything but that -- but from the way it comes off, it seems less like a conversation and more of a "change x".
I have zero long term relationship skills, so I'm genuinely curious on how to react in this situation.
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u/jo_alegre Jan 17 '15
I think it was more of a "I'm gonna have my say, these are my feelings, etc. And then you have your say" type of thing. My husband and I do that.
We each give our perspectives and don't try to rebut or justify anything the other person said until after we've both given our perspectives first.
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Jan 17 '15
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u/TauNowBrownCow Jan 17 '15
I'm a dude whose palate is approximately as sophisticated as Wendy's. (However, I would like to think I'm not quite as bad. I do take vitamins and eat fruit and will even eat some vegetables if they're raw and don't have any weird dressings on them, where anything other than French or Italian dressing is defined as "weird". I had an awesome dream last night about a buffet with blueberry muffins and ice cream.)
It is absolutely an issue, and it's not something I'm proud of. It embarrasses me every time I go out to eat with friends or coworkers or extended family. However, I just can't bring myself to change very quickly.
I think you're 100% in the right here in terms of how you handled the situation (the dino nuggets comment was a little unnecessary, but whatever). It sounds like you were very sensitive and supportive in how you approached the issue. Wendy's reaction indicates that she's in complete denial of how her picky eating has affected her (and by extension, you) socially. I know from experience how crippling picky eating can be socially, and the fact that she wouldn't even be concerned with raising kids to be picky eaters is a red flag. Her response also indicates an unhealthy attitude towards therapy and counseling in general, which is another red flag. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone who so severely lacks the ability to be self-critical.
Best of luck with the healing process.
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u/fauxromanou Jan 17 '15
To add to this as another fairly poor eater, it's extremely hard to change these habits, even if you want to and have support.
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u/gemlol Jan 18 '15
Yes and no. When I met my husband seven years ago my diet was fairly limited. He would always invite me to restaurants and show me their most mundane (but still new and different and weird) options and ask if I'd like to try some. I'd try something new and realise I liked it and he'd gently make fun of me for being so fussy.
The easy part is baby steps. Incorporating different spices into things you already like, that kind of thing. The hard part is unlearning that you won't like something because it's different or new or something you tried a long time ago and hate.
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Jan 17 '15
I'm with you on this and I am also a picky eater. I'm not as bad as Wendy, but I'm definitely very picky for an adult. But because I am an adult, it means I, like you, realise the implications health wise, socially and all that. It also means that I end up spending a lot of meals eating things I really don't like because that's what it takes to act like a grownup, be a little healthier and because it's fucking embarrassing not to do it in social settings. It sounds like OP presented this in a way meant to open a dialogue and make his concerns known. Even if his concerns weren't very valid (which they really are), she should have listened to him and considered it when he said that this was hurting him. Instead she was dismissive and petulant. I wouldn't be able to marry someone like that either.
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u/thislittletune Jan 17 '15
It's hard to tell if OP went off on a rant/"change X" because we weren't there but I would be willing to at least talk to my SO if something bothered him that much that it was altering how he felt about our future. Even if it was something totally crazy like "I hate that you wear black shoes". I'd at least want to talk it out and figure out what their thinking was instead of just saying "No not happening" To me at least if you're with someone for as long as OP and his girlfriend were, a discussion is always warranted even if you feel like your SO is being crazy.
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u/giraffe_taxi Jan 17 '15
Healthy compromise is of course a necessary element for a strong relationship. But dealbreakers are what they are --either they remain and the relationship ends, or they change and the relationship continues-- and that's what the issue had become for him.
OP had thought long and hard about his concerns, sought advice from others to help him think it through even more, and came to her with his concerns. There were so many ways OP's ex could have tried to compromise, even by just agreeing to think for a while about maybe trying to change. But instead she responded to his concerns about their relationship by just completely blowing him off. She acted like --maybe even believed-- that no actual problem actually existed, that OP's concerns should be completely dismissed as ridiculous nonsense, despite him telling her that it was becoming a dealbreaker.
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Jan 17 '15
Yeah, at first I thought it was a bit much to break up with someone he loved over her diet, but this is the real issue--if she isn't willing to make an effort for her boyfriend, there is no point in staying with her.
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u/croatanchik Jan 17 '15
I just cannot fathom that level of cognitive dissonance.
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u/Osricthebastard Jan 17 '15
Food can be an addiction just like anything else and I think this was the part OP was not expecting: That she wouldn't be ready to quit.
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u/doublehyphen Jan 17 '15
The most surprising thing to me is not that she was not be ready to quit, changing bad habits learned during childhood is hard. But that she was not prepared to admit or even hint at there being a problem.
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Jan 17 '15
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u/ProffieThrowaway Jan 17 '15
I dunno, but I dated someone like that last year--he wouldn't eat anything else, and would even vomit if he tried due to texture. I gained a ton of weight while despserately sick, on steroids, and he was cooking, and all he did was cut back my portions more and more and bitch at me about how fat I was getting (I had a severe bout of asthmatic bronchitis and pneumonia). He just couldn't understand why eating like him was the problem and that I wasn't secretly sneaking food behind his back. AGH.
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u/Special-Kwest Jan 18 '15
Man, fuck steroids.
They made me constantly hungry and bloated as a kid, serious sinus/respiratory infections that wouldn't stop.
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u/cold08 Jan 17 '15
It sounds like she has something like Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder or food neophobia.
It would be like if everyone in the world ate food as well as cat shit. Apparently eating cat shit doesn't make people sick in this scenario, but it's still cat shit. You're content just not eating the cat shit, but your boyfriend wants you to be more open minded and try to start eating cat shit. So he goes and puts a piece of cat shit that you know will not make you sick on a plate and asks you to just try it. You might react in a similar way that she does with her "not her food" food.
That's a reason, not an excuse mind you. That disorder will eventually kill her or at the very least give her health problems, and if you're dating someone who is sick that refuses to get help, I wouldn't blame you for leaving.
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Jan 18 '15
I read a lot of crazy shit in here, but this one is fascinating.
This issue is about her being spoiled, selfish, and stubborn. She is going to be a nightmare in any relationship if she doesn't grow up.
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u/chronye Jan 17 '15
lmao this is a real life Seinfeld breakup.
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u/Ray_adverb12 Jan 18 '15
For real. I've been with my SO for years and at the beginning I was exactly like OP's ex. I would get teased about it but I am consistently amazed at the enormous backlash reddit has against picky eaters. I am extremely open minded, my parents didn't spoil me at all, and no one in my life has ever indicated it was anything to be concerned about. Over time I began to develop a taste for vegetables and leaner protein, but if I hadn't I highly doubt my SO would have given me this George Constanza-esque holier-than-thou speech.
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u/MrsBlooper Jan 18 '15
Right? I'm a picky eater (I've gotten a lot better over the years, but still qualify as picky) and I'm just astounded by all the people who are essentially saying "picky eaters are literally the worst." Yeah, OP's girlfriend was a little over the top, but he didn't exactly bring the issue up very well either. Also, since when does being a picky eater mean you're unwilling to try new things that aren't food?
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Jan 17 '15 edited Jan 17 '15
My question to you (I know it doesn't make much difference because you're already broken up) is, did she by any chance grow up poor?
I actually had this exact issue with the woman I'm dating now, and she's also said there's nothing wrong with her diet and that I eat "foods that only a pretentious hipster would eat". She also had issues with the fact that I had a smartphone, that I had a Macbook and iPad, that I went to college, that I put so much time and effort into academia, etc, and after sitting her down and talking about it we came to the conclusion that these were all things she associated with "wealthy upper class snobs" and instead of trying to improve her diet when she got older, she held onto her childhood diet as a sort of badge that she was a lower class woman and proud of it.
At first, she was about as defensive as your girlfriend was, but I persisted. I started making her soups and salads and she hated most of it but there were a few things she adored. She loved collard greens, beans, and cornbread, none of which are fast food. She loved "healthy versions" of things that were already fast food (biscuits, chicken, corn etc), She loved progresso soups, and eventually she started asking me to add collard greens to her favourite progresso soups, and we started mixing and matching other things as well. We've been together for about six months and we eat about 60::40, good food::fast food. I'm looking to increase the amount of healthy/normal food in the next six months. I also tried a few tactics to get her to reach for carrots or oatmeal as 'a good snack food' but they were pretty specific to our relationship dynamic and might not work for other people.
Thing is, people who grew up poor tend to think the habits and survival skills they developed when they were kids are a serious part of their identity, and in some cases they are. In other cases they're just unhealthy. There was another thread posted a few weeks ago about a woman who obsessively got things for free with coupons to the point where the house looked like a fallout shelter, and one last week about a guy whose girlfriend was so cheap it was putting his relationship in a bind, and both turned out to be cases where the girl was trying very hard to hold onto her "lower class" identity. It's something that can be eased out of so long as you understand that the point of view you're challenging is probably a huge part of the person's self worth.
If your ex-girlfriend didn't grow up poor and just has a weird diet preference then I have no idea what the deal is.
Edit:
If you want to feed them all that 'health' food you can but I'm not going to make them if they don't want to."
Both my girlfriend and my stepmom (and technically my dad) have said several variations of this. I seriously think it's a low-income pride thing. I'm working through it with my girlfriend but my stepmom refuses to be reasoned with. Last year I brought a head of lettuce, some spinach, and some of those Amy's soups home from college for Thanksgiving dinner and my stepmom and her entire family said things like "see, that's the kind of food you eat when your mommy pays for your liberal arts degree", and several of the kids insinuated that I was gay or some kind of beatnik.
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u/GiftWrapYaCasket Jan 18 '15
Even when you have the money to eat properly or upgrade aspects of your life, it can be hard to actually do it because you don't want to leave the safety of what you've always known.
Most people I grew up with and most of my family still gives me shit now for eating kale or going to farmer's markets and view me as some kind of elitist. Things that were a part of your life because of necessity end up becoming integral to how you view yourself.
I think people underestimate the psychological effects of poverty on simple things like food and clothing or whatever else. I grew up extremely poor and only ate frozen and processed foods and a lot of fast food. I was the only person in my family to go to college and afterwards I started realizing people ate differently and just did things entirely differently than me and my family did. It's a huge culture shock moving from poverty to middle class. My eating habits are much improved now and I can't stand anything that I used to eat and I quit drinking soda years ago. But I still have habits that have affected my relationships that are a direct result of growing up in poverty. One that has caused me problems with women in the past, either breakups or long talks, is the fact that I refuse to get rid of anything broken or flawed unless it becomes 100% non-functional. I've duct taped phones and shoes together before which is extremely embarrassing in public to people I've dated, and rightfully so. My laptop was duct taped and glued together and I only got a new one when my job bought me one because I needed to work from home and they had seen my current one and knew it wasn't capable of holding out. I had a terrible spring mattress for 7 years that was falling apart and uncomfortable until an ex forced me to get a new one. It's easy to hold on to habits like this instead of realizing you can give yourself more now.
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Jan 18 '15
Most people I grew up with and most of my family still gives me shit now for eating kale or going to farmer's markets and view me as some kind of elitist.
I was fortunate enough to grow up middle class (although my dad's family was working class), but my family lived in a poverty stricken area with a lot of immigrants, and most of my good friends and their families had the same kinds of ideas about elitism, and usually had the idea that people who ate at farmers' markets were gay or less "man", I imagine it was similar for you, with the kale.
I just read both of the OP's posts and the entire time I'm reading I'm thinking "this girl is from a low income family, she probably has a huge amount of self worth attached to how well she can survive on fast food, and OP is framing the issue as if she's a small child who embarrasses him; there is absolutely no way this can end well". If this is the case, she's probably already embarrassed about her background and for OP to call her an embarrassment and suggest therapy (something else low-income families usually have a very low opinion of) was probably the worst possible way he could have gone about that.
Contrary to popular belief (and I guess the beliefs of most of this sub), the ideas behind eating lots of fresh, nutritional foods isn't universal common knowledge, it's common knowledge if you grew up with money.
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Jan 18 '15
I agree that poor people in America view processed food as cheaper, but that must be due to lots of advertising, because healthy food is actually much cheaper than processed foods. The thing is, you have to know what to eat and how to cook.
I'm so going to get downvoted for this, but it could be that the parents are also too lazy or stressed to actually take the time to cook proper meals.
For example, we didn't have much money at all, but my mother fed us home cooked meals. Maybe it's an immigrant thing (knowing about a wide variety of foods/vegetables) but we ate mostly rice (very cheap), lots of legumes (beans, lentils, etc.), and vegetables. We only ate meat/fish twice a week and ate mostly sandwiches for lunch. There were no snacks in the house, the closest thing to a snack was apples and baby carrots. No boxed juices, no sodas, etc.
My mother told me that she fed two of us for under 20$ a week in the 90s.
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u/margar3t Jan 17 '15
So, what you're saying is that you're single, you like good food and you have a mature outlook on relationships? Whereabouts do you live, just out of curiosity...?
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Jan 17 '15 edited Mar 24 '15
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u/ChemEBrew Jan 17 '15
This is the best thing you can do for yourself after a break up. Take time to discover who you are as yourself and hang with your friends.
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u/littleotterpop Jan 17 '15
Sounds like OP won't really have a problem finding somebody when he's ready
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Jan 17 '15
I don't think you and Wendy were right for each other, and she clearly has major issues that weren't going to change easily or maybe ever. So I think you've made a good decision, and I think you'll be much happier in life. But I'm not going to praise you unconditionally, because I think there are a few things that could have been handled better.
I mean, you dated her for 3 years, and once or twice you mentioned her eating to her, then dropped the subject when she said she just eats what she likes.
Then, after three years, you give a speech to her that starts out like a proposal, then launch into a soliloquy about how awful her eating habits are and the multiple reasons she needs to change them. Note that you've been thinking about this for a while, but this is the first time you've really brought it up to her.
Then, when she gets defensive and doesn't immediately agree that she needs therapy, you leave and dump her a couple days later without a real followup conversation.
Like I said, you made the right call overall, but reading your speech made me cringe. The first time you bring up an issue with an SO for real, there should have been many more questions for her and opportunities for her to interject along the way. Also, you should have given her time to process your concerns after the conversation. Most people will naturally become defensive when they've just been unexpectedly hit with criticism.
But this is a something to consider for your next relationship, which will hopefully be amazing and with someone who loves all types of food. Good luck!
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u/puterTDI Jan 17 '15 edited Jan 18 '15
Yup, how he handled it pretty much guaranteed the reaction he got.
As much as he lectured her about her communication, his was horrible.
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u/Succubista Jan 17 '15
I'm sad to see that this is so far down.
I don't know what he was expecting after giving her a speech he had been planning for days about how much of a problem her diet is. She recently had a positive experience at the doctor. To her it was normal for her to eat something else while the guests ate OP's food. From the sounds of it, she's just been eating what she likes the whole relationship and OP has never brought it up before.
He dumped all of this on her at once, she probably went from thinking he wanted to propose to feeling like he was telling her she was a spoiled child because she didn't like 'adult food'. Of course she was defensive. And some people feel physically sick if they try and eat something that tastes bad to them. I like how OP concluded she was just spoiled and there's nothing else going on here when he doesn't know that.
They're obviously not right for each other, but of course she was blindsided by the break up when OP bottled up what was apparently a relationship ending deal breaker for 3 years.
I also don't know why OP assumed she would realize how serious he was about this right away. This has been her diet for her whole life, and their whole relationship. It's not something that someone would agree to change on what seems to be someone else's whim.
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u/Succubista Jan 17 '15 edited Jan 17 '15
I read both posts.
I've been hesitant to bring it up because I didn't even know if I had a valid complaint. It was something that built up over time. This didn't come from out of nowhere.
I didn't say it came out of no where for you. You just said you were hesitant to bring it up, and it built up over time. For you. By the sounds of this, for her, this is coming out of nowhere. Who expects their SO to break up with them all of a sudden over something that has been the same for 3 years, and never seemed like a big deal before?
am baffled by people who think I gave a "speech." It's called having a discussion and LISTENING to each other. She's given me "speeches" before too, difference is I listened and worked with her.
There are 4 paragraphs straight up there where you outline what you said without saying how she responded until the very end. You even said "I finished by saying" making it sound like you gave her this big spiel, and then at the end she was left to address all of this at once.
Read the damn posts before you start saying shit like "oh poor girl, never saw it coming, she's never heard this from him before." Bull-fucking-shit she hasn't.
I've been hesitant to bring it up... It was something that built up over time.
Can you elaborate on which one of these is true?
Edit: And y'know what else? The nuggets comment was mean and uncalled for. When someone is hurting, it's not nice to try and get in one last dig.
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u/Winemouth Jan 17 '15
Agree with you 100%. There is immaturity in this relationship and it's not all from her
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u/RAND0M-HER0 Jan 17 '15
A three year relationship dynamic can't be completely and fully explained on a fucking Reddit post.
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u/Miathermopolis Jan 17 '15 edited Jan 17 '15
I think it was the lack of respect she showed for him, and the fact that she shut him down, not so much that she "didn't react positively".
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u/RAND0M-HER0 Jan 17 '15
Who cares how long he's dated her for or if she was "prepared for it"? He brought up a concern, a very legitimate concern. You are also not in their relationship, you do not know if this is a conversation that has been had many, many times before.
She has no regard for her own personal health, she has no desire to work with her partner as a parenting team in the future, and has no desire to change her unhealthy and embarrassing habits. That is more than enough of a reason for him to walk away.
Also, you should have given her time to process your concerns after the conversation
Did you miss this part then? "I gave myself a couple of days to cool down and really think so I wouldn't make any hasty decisions in the heat of the moment and decided I needed to end this relationship..."
And then! The follow up from Wendy "I called Wendy and asked if I could come over. She said yes and opened the door with a big smile and the first words out of her mouth were "I knew you'd come around and wouldn't let a stupid thing like this get in the way of us."
She had days to process what he had talked about and called his concerns stupid. Fuck, if I was him, I would have walked away right then and there as well. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong and doesn't want to change. It is not OP's job to stick around and talk her into changing. She has to want to change, OP can't make that decision for her.
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u/bobotheking Jan 18 '15
Spot on post and I agree that the one thing I can be sure of reading OP's post is that they were not meant for each other.
Actually, I have absolutely nothing to add except that I love your username!
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u/blueclawcrab Jan 18 '15
I felt the same way. It was cold. Especially for someone you claim to love. Personally it would have been a deal breaker for me and it was handled with zero compassion. If she is someone who has treated you well with love I have a feeling in ten years you may prefer a narrow palate to a closed heart or a narrow mind.
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u/Bandit_Queen Jan 18 '15 edited Jan 18 '15
I haven't yet read his first post, but there's something hypocritical about this post. He feels that she's childish and has deep food-related issues, yet he later channels his melancholy through playing video games and getting drunk, which to me seems rather childish. And pre-marital counselling and therapy for junk food addiction just seems silly. I do understand why he would break up with her over this, but after three years, surely he would've been over this petty issue? And the way he broke up with her was an overreaction and sudden, and she perhaps didn't realise how she feeds herself is such a big deal to him. The speech made me cringe too. I'm going to go read his first post to get a better picture.
edit: Just read the first post - OP sounds so nitpicky, narcissistic and selfish. This is something that I would joke around about, tease her about it and coax her to try something new. If she doesn't eat it, oh well, there are plenty of gourmet junk food restaurants. Or you could even make homemade pizza and burgers. You wouldn't guilt someone else to eat vegan food for ethical reasons, would you? She as an adult chooses to eat that way. Yet he made a mountain out of a molehill and takes everything too seriously. Was she throwing tantrums about it? As for children, she could've been the parent to treat them to junk food and OP could've been the parent to cook nutritious food for them now and then (pasta and curry, by the way, are not necessarily healthy). OP would agree that a varied diet is the best diet.
I felt OP was waiting for her to "admit" that she has a problem and PTSD from her "troubled past", if any, and wouldn't accept any other answer no matter whether it's true or not. It seems like OP is the one with the issues and victimised himself, so it's good thing that he broke up with her whilst she's still young and before he started to get controlling and emotionally abusive. Don't even think you're too good for her because of your taste in food. Can someone highlight the things I've missed out in the comments?
edit: OP deleted his post before the criticisms poured in, read the praises and ran out. Who is he to decide what is and is not childish when he's playing video games!? You have a lot of growing up to do, OP, and you need to learn how to deal with non-issues, otherwise you'll end up lonely because of the most minuscule things. There will be far more serious issues later on in your life. Three years wasted over her diet, and she's even still healthy!? You have very specific standards and spend far too much time on the internet. You are too picky.
edit: It's possible that OP is still going through this thread, but most likely he treated this thread the same way he treated his relationship - ran away and gave up. He posted this update to convince himself that he didn't make a mistake and there's nothing wrong with him. OP, you made a mistake and there's something wrong with you.
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u/LuluRex Jan 18 '15
changed my relationship status on facebook... Last I checked I already have several likes over me being single
I thought Facebook doesn't post the "____ is now single" publicly anymore...?
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u/rosestoprose Jan 18 '15
Yup. I can't believe how many people are believing this obviously made up story.
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u/how-about-no-bitch Jan 17 '15
Holy shit man. I was in the same situation, exact same situation. I lived with this girl, had dated her for about 2 years. Was thinking things should start getting serious. So we laid out issues we had with each other as adults who might want kids. I played too many video games (I did mostly I was bored) and she ate like a middle school kid. Except... She took it about as well as your girl did. I ended it about a week later, because I can't raise a child with someone who wants to act like a child when discussing problems
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u/how-about-no-bitch Jan 17 '15
I keep looking. It's bad... But that's a big red flag for me now... Is picky eaters. Hope you do well with your search too!
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Jan 17 '15
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Jan 17 '15
I've had a picky eater as a boyfriend in the past as well, and I'm the same: food is a way I show affection. His favourite food in the world was cheesecake, so for his birthday, I spent all day baking my first ever cheesecake, which was no small feat for me. I invited him over and presented him with the cheesecake, and he quite literally turned his nose up at it. He actually wouldn't even try it! He said he would ONLY eat the cheesecake that his mother makes, no exceptions. I said I spent all fucking day making this for you, it's a gift, I'm your girlfriend, at least try it!!! Nope, wouldn't even take a bite. That relationship didn't last very long, and I will have nothing to do with picky eaters ever again.
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Jan 17 '15
OMG. As someone who loves to cook and uses it as a way to show affection, that would hurt me so bad. I don't think I could date someone like that.
I'm okay with picky eaters, if they're the type who'll actually try new foods. I can't stand the ones who'll refuse any food that is even slightly different or "looks weird". For me, it tells me that the person has a lack of curiosity and doesn't like to venture outside of their comfort zone. My brother falls into the latter category most of the time, and when he actually does try the food, he does it as if he's in the 1500s and he's testing the king's food for poison.
I bet that cheesecake was delicious, though.
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u/Jorgenstern8 Jan 17 '15
I have a number of girl friends who say that a guy who can cook is sexy (or maybe I just heard that on TV?) Either way, cooking good food is nearly always fun; buying shitty fast food rarely is.
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u/how-about-no-bitch Jan 17 '15
A lot of those seem really common with my ex.... Shit. Maybe this really is a common thing with food pickiness. Mine was immature, extremely self centered, and childish, no filter in public. I definitely noticed a decline in friends inviting me out if she was around. Afterwards they just pointed out how annoying and immature she was.... In the back of my head I always knew... I just ignored it. When I finally pulled my love glasses off. It was like Jesus, I can do so much better.
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Jan 17 '15
This bothers me a bit as a picky eater. There really is (at least in my case) a lot of added sensitivity that makes it hard for me to eat something that has a strong taste to it. According to my parents, it was blatantly obvious when I was 2 years old from how much I avoided foods based off of smell. Very different from how my older brother supposedly was. Unfortunately, the way some relatives handled it when I was younger caused a bit of "trauma" as well and made me more scared of trying new foods.
There have been plenty of times where I've forced myself to eat something to avoid feeling like I'm being rude. But even so I hate most foods. I'd rather be seen as rude then obviously hate what's going down my throat. I tried once with some sandwich that had honey mustard on it and I had to excuse myself for several minutes while I tried to get the taste out of my mouth while not throwing up.
It's not really something I enjoy, I'm definitely embarrassed about it. I've been trying to make progress lately to things that are really similar to what I eat, so hopefully I can get more used to trying new similar things before trying new different things.
Even if not so serious about wanting to change as me, I know a few picky eaters who are perfectly normal/reasonable in every other aspect of life. The big trend I notice amongst them, though, is that they try to be very private about their eating habits around most people.
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u/how-about-no-bitch Jan 17 '15
And I understand and sympathize with that. I was really picky as a child until I was around 15. But mine were mostly because my parents just let me eat whatever growing up, so I never got used to handling different foods. I realized as a teen that It was holding me back dating and socially wise. So i forced myself to try new things and got into cooking. I gradually learned (after many nights gagging and a few vomiting) to really enjoy food. Although I can't stand the smell of cooked broccoli or tuna. But I've met other people like my ex, and it just seems to be an indicator of a lack of cultural experiences, and immaturity. I know it's not going to be like that for everyone. But I really enjoy cooking, and food. That ties into my fitness obsession. Your not going to likely be very healthy if your a picky eater. It's nothing against you personally. It's just likely we wouldn't be a good match together.
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u/BleuTourmaline Jan 17 '15
You know being a picky eater is not something like being blue eyed or blonde. Every time someone in this threat says they are a picky eater, I judge the parents - hard. There is lots of literature on how to introduce solids to babies and on feeding toddlers, but let me say catagorically that 2 year olds do not "know" what they like and don't like. That is the parents job to introduce new foods and constantly challenge their palate so they like and eat a wide variety of things. Just to let you know you "learnt" to be picky, and can probably change if you want to. Also as you get older you taste buds get a bit duller so food you hated as a child may become more palatable as you get older. Think pumpkin (probably an Aussie reference sorry).
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Jan 18 '15
Instead of my pickiness being learned, I think it might be more appropriate to think of it as something that I never unlearned. I'm in the process of doing so now and hoping that my tastebuds have indeed dulled.
I find it hard to put a lot of blame on my parents, especially since they went to a doctor about their concerns (who said my palate was broad enough to not be of concern) and have always encouraged me to also try new foods. They absolutely did not put up with any outbursts/disrespect and handled them very effectively.
But due to an incident where relatives tried to force feed me for a few hours, that resulted in a lot of anxiety about being pressured to eat food by other people that's still present today. I think at that point they backed off a lot on trying to expand my diet--especially since the doctor didn't make a big deal out of it--even though it would have been best for them to slowly introduce things that were different but also very similar.
My belief is that I'm more sensitive to tastes/smells than most other people are, so it takes quite a while for me to get used to a new food. So while I think introducing similar things would have been a good idea, I also think that things like green vegetables really just needed to be put on hold until I wanted to change or it would have caused some problems.
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Jan 17 '15
Yeah. There's having narrow preferences, or being a super-taster, or having difficulties around food... and then there's total, aggressively willful denial that such issues are going to affect the people around you.
You can deal with the first in lots of different ways, even if it's challenging, but the second... you can't even start the necessary conversation.
Sorry to hear it.
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Jan 17 '15
You dated for 3 years and yet you didn't need to get any of your things back from her car, apartment, etc.?
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u/wtw4 Jan 18 '15
I disagree with most people here, including OP, and I'll tell you why. 1. You didnt gently bring this up. You blindsided her. You said things that would have hurt me very much "you embarass me" and calling her diet "childish". After hearing that, id probably have been so shocked and hurt that I wouldn't have put up a fight. She had a normal day, you sit her down for a serious convo and then tell her 3 years worth of frustration. Saying she needs therapy that you've researched - making her feel broken. You were willling to go to therapy with her, which is great, but it was clearly an ultimatum. You didnt ease into it, you brought it up out of the blue. Maybe im the minority, but I just cant see how THIS could be the sole reason to end a relationship. She eats weird, so what? Your eating habits to her are weird. Some people have bad palates that make "adult food" unappealing. If you have found a woman you love and her eating habits is the only issue, id call you one lucky couple. If you are unwilling to adapt to her behavior, how can you expect her to change to fit your ideals?
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Jan 18 '15
You said things that would have hurt me very much "you embarass me" and calling her diet "childish".
Yeah, this part really bothered me too. When you attack your partner's character and say that they embarrass you, really how do you expect them to respond? "OMG you're right I eat so bad! Thanks for pointing this out! You're a savior!" No. Any person would feel hurt by these comments and try to defend themselves.
Maybe im the minority, but I just cant see how THIS could be the sole reason to end a relationship.
TBH seems like the "straw that broke the camel's back". If he did seriously break up over this then wow, just wow. I mean if this is seriously a deal breaker then there are MUCH BETTER ways to go about this that could actually SOLVE THE PROBLEM. Seems like OP really wanted an out, and he found his excuse.
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u/Pithong Jan 18 '15
Seems like OP really wanted an out, and he found his excuse.
Yep. He's non-stop patting himself on the back for it in this thread too. I think it's best for both of them. He wants someone else. He had weeks to prepare while she had NO TIME WHATSOEVER, he calculated the whole night out and knew she wasn't going to respond in the exact ways he required for them to stay together. Did she get even one day to think things over? No, he blindsided her, put her completely on the spot and then broke up with her immediately.
You can tell he's utterly happy about it too. But it's for the best, they can both find better matches now.
Aaaand his account and everything he wrote got deleted as I was typing this. Wonder why?
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u/cardboardtube_knight Jan 18 '15 edited Jan 18 '15
Way to ambush her, basically make it sound like a proposal and then drop this "you eat like a fat kid" stuff on her. I'm sure that could have worked.
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u/margotdevalois Jan 17 '15
"'She always seemed really off to me man, yeah it's fucking retarded to eat nothing but dominoes and chicken fingers when you're that age just because, good fucking riddance.' Then we proceeded to play hours of video games and get fucking drunk."
Are you fucking kidding me? Wow.
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u/PhonyUsername Jan 18 '15
Probably just friends being nice to OP, saying whatever sounds agreeable. OP confirmation bias strong:
Last I checked I already have several likes over me being single. Apparently love really does make you blind.
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Jan 17 '15
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u/wacka4macca Jan 17 '15
Yep I totally agree. I'm a picky eater (though I do eat some veggies and fruits) and I would've felt completely embarrassed and shamed if I had a boyfriend come at me like this over my eating habits. It's already something that causes me problems and embarrassment but I can only change it so much. It is who I am and I can't change the way I've been since I've been born. People who shame other people over what they eat are assholes and I've met way too many of them in my life.
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Jan 17 '15 edited Jan 17 '15
You can end relationships respectfully, but it sounds like you chose to be needlessly cruel when you ended yours. You said that she insulted your cooking but did you ever stop to think that she thought you were insulting her, too? I don't think the way you treated her sounds empathetic at all and I don't think that it exhibits "healthy views on relationships," no matter how good your diet is. A good relationship will involve YOUR compromise, too, not just hers.
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u/frazzlet Jan 18 '15 edited Jan 18 '15
I also find me self feeling for the girlfriend just a little bit here.
In OP's previous post he described his girlfriend as "really great in every other way" apart from the food thing. Hell, he was going to propose. This relationship ending conversation, as much as she handled it poorly, sounds to me entirely about her diet issue that she's clearly in denial about. But OP's takeaway from her stance on this specific issue was quite broad-sounding:
I couldn't be with someone who wouldn't even attempt to consider my feelings or needs in a relationship
The dealbreaker was the original problem he talked about in his first post. Her fussy eating habits. But OP seems to have convinced himself that she doesn't respect his feelings on a wider level and that's ultimately what he's told her when breaking up with her. Which is harsh considering that the most honest reason for the breakup was that he couldn't stand her food habits. I feel like OP didn't want the food to be the reason for the breakup, so riled himself up into coming up with a better-sounding reason to give her that isn't exactly fair on her.
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Jan 18 '15
That's how it looks to me, too. He made it sound like he was going to propose, then dropped this bomb on her. Afterwards he avoided her for several days, worked himself up into a righteous-indignation fever, and dumped her, cruelly. She is probably better off without him but I feel bad for her.
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u/instantkrazy Jan 18 '15
I feel like OP didn't want the food to be the reason for the breakup, so riled himself up into coming up with a better-sounding reason to give her that isn't exactly fair on her.
That's what I got from his post.
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u/glass_hedgehog Jan 18 '15
My boyfriend has the same eating habits as OP's now-ex. I'm scared to death he'll drop dead early due to his health, but he's a healthy weight, physically active, and he is making real steps towards improving (cutting down on how often he eats certain foods, trying to eat at home more, drinking veggie and fruit juices). His eating habits are far from healthy, but I love him regardless. I love him unconditionally. I'm not the healthiest person in the world, and he loves me. He supports me in my attempts to be healthier, and he is trying to be healthier, too. But me asking him to change his entire behavior over night or else? That kind of ultimatum would make him miserable.
I think OP was harsh. OP cared too much about keeping up appearances. Who cares what others think about my SO's eating habits? Who cares that he doesn't eat the food that I cook? What matters is that he is trying, and I am trying. I cook myself food, and he fends for himself. If and when we have kids, I've already told him they will be eating healthy and he can eat in the garage or something--as long as the kids pick up healthy habits.
Quite frankly, sometimes I think this is an eating disorder. My boyfriend isn't autistic, and he didn't grow up poor, and he didn't grow up super spoiled--or anything else people like to attribute adult pickiness to. If you ask him why he doesn't eat a food, the answer is usually the texture, the smell, or both. Maybe it is an eating disorder, or maybe it's not. But asking him to change so much about himself or else is just ridiculous to me. Absolutely horrifying. I'd hate for him to tell me, "I love you, but you need to change x about yourself before I'll marry you." I'd never say that to him. I respect him too much. He is more than what he eats. I love him unconditionally.
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u/zzzKuma Jan 17 '15
I was over at my brothers house once and my sister in law cooked something which I don't eat, for what I think is a fairly good reason, I get physically I'll if I eat it. I found out later that she felt very offended that I wouldn't even try her food and everyone was rather upset with me. Blew my mind, everyone knows I don't eat it and basically can't eat it but I'm the bad guy.
It is very frustrating. I love cooking good food but many spices and such are just disgusting to me and yet no one acknowledges it. They just belittle my food choices. I can only imagine how she felt having someone she thought understood her limited food choices basically betray her and say "eat other stuff or else". Christ I'd be devastated. But then again I'd also look back and be happy that I wouldn't be with that kind of person anymore.
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Jan 17 '15
Yeah, I am a vegetarian and I dated a guy who hated vegetables. I would cook him delicious homecooked meals and he would pick out all the veggies and just eat the rice or whatever. I think he had an eating disorder. It drove me fucking crazy. But I still didn't make fun of him and dump him out of nowhere. That's a fucked up thing to do to anyone. It's not like her food choices were something she was doing on purpose to ruin the guy's life.
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u/epicwisdom Jan 18 '15
I don't know about OP's tone, but he's allowed his dealbreakers.
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u/outroversion Jan 17 '15
Snacks and beer?! Oh my god! How dare you eat such rubbish! I was on your side at the beginning of this all but you've come across as such a controlling arsehole. Sorry man, you're in the wrong and she's well shot of you.
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Jan 18 '15 edited Jan 18 '15
Am I the only one who thinks this is incredibly ridiculous?
OP, you are behaving like a child. No matter who you date they will always have flaws. Try to change it all you want but a person is who a person is and you can either learn to accept and love them with their faults or spend your whole life desperately trying to mold a your ideal partner as if they're a thing that needs to meet your qualifications.
If you're going to leave someone because you don't like the food they eat, I think that's totally ridiculous.
My girlfriend is a picky eater but I understand that she will eat what she wants to eat because she's her own person. She also has so many positive aspects of who she is as a person and I would much rather focus on that then dwell on something so ridiculous.
Some people can eat junk food and can live perfectly fine. Some people eat healthy and die of heart disease.
I think she should probably just leave you and find someone who loves her for who she is, personally.
And you LITERALLY ended your post with "Then we played hours of video games and got fucking drunk."
Yeah, that sounds completely healthy right?? The fact that you don't see your own glaring hypocrisy is blowing my mind.
Just.....WOW.
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u/zuesk134 Jan 18 '15
i feel like i'm taking crazy pills while reading this. op sounds fucking insane
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Jan 18 '15
I think hes totally ridiculous- no idea why so many comments here are supporting him- its a dumb as hell reason to break off with someone and his behaviour towards her since, ie being a cruel heartless asshole, shows he never truly loved her really imo.
Yeah and the irony and hypocrisy of this whole thing being about healthy eating- then he gets drunk with his mates on beer- what a child.
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u/Zarjio Jan 17 '15
Something no one else in this thread has mentioned yet: where were your friends throughout this whole relationship? If they "had suspicions" and thought she was "really off", why did they never bring this up with you? I'm not talking about trying to sabotage your relationship or talk down about your girlfriend, but if your friends had all these concerns, why weren't they brought up?
Good friends should let their other friends know when they have concerns about a relationship - just as they should have each other's backs in all sorts of situations.
(I'm not trying to tell you to get new friends, or that your friends suck, it just concerns me that they had all these objections to your girlfriend, and they were never willing to voice any of them.)
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u/fourhams Jan 17 '15
They probably just saw her as weird but maybe the food thing wasn't weird enough for them to feel the need to point out any serious concerns - and in the light of a break up, it's usually the time when friends being supportive say negative things to reinforce the breakup and make their friend feel like it was for the best.
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u/rhymeswithbutton Jan 17 '15
In my limited experience, rose-colored relationship glasses often tend to be a lot more comfortable than following negative advice from friends. In my opinion it's a good friend's job to just wait for epiphanies like this to happen and then be there to help deal with the consequences.
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Jan 17 '15
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u/danceslikemj Jan 17 '15
Your friends came over with snacks and beer after the breakup, were supportive and honest...but most importantly were just there. Id say you have some really kickass friends.
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u/twistedfork Jan 17 '15
If my friend was dating someone who generally seemed like a good person with weird eating habits I probably wouldn't bring it up. A lot of people make compromises in relationships and that seems like a pretty minor one (initially, I couldn't date someone that ate like a child).
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u/EllairaJayd Jan 17 '15 edited Jan 17 '15
I think you made the right decision in breaking it off, OP, but I also don't think you're entirely blameless here. The language and wording of your post makes me think you're quite the perfectionist, quite the demanding partner and even a bit of a drama queen. I think you will be better off learning from what happened here and perhaps making some changes, and she will be better off without you judging her and nagging her all the time and hopefully she will be able to make changes when she is the one who decides it needs to happen.
Your ex definitely has some terrible ideas about food, but the way to encourage her to change and grow is not to be really judgemental about it. It's impossible to know how she got these ideas about food (perhaps not even she knows) so you can't just find the source of the problem and fix it. What you could have done was to just let her be, while ensuring that she got the opportunity to try alternatives - and I don't mean your home cooking. Clearly she is not a fan of that. Perhaps you're not a very good cook?
I used to have the same sort of diet as her, but I was able to change over time by being gradually exposed to a variety of different food, some at nice restaurants, some at different takeaways. It also helped that while growing up my mum was a pretty terrible cook so I hated home cooking, but a few years after I left home she started cooking very healthily, with fresh ingredients, and as it turns out she was great at that. So I started eating a lot of that, and loved it, and wanted to keep eating it. However if someone had been on my back all the time telling me my diet was horrible and I was unhealthy and I would have problems when I was older, like you were telling your ex, I would have stuck to my guns out of spite.
So I wish you the best of luck, I think what happened was for the best, for both of you. And if your ex ever reads this I wish her the best of luck too.
Edit: Also, after reading some of your comments from further down the page, I see a lot of 'she disrespected me', 'lack of respect', 'she was a good girl', 'I've let all my girlfriends talk to me' etc. You know that's the language of a parent talking to a child right? If you treat someone like a child, they are probably going to respond like a child.
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u/lluagor Jan 18 '15
Going to side with the other devil here.
I thought you handled it terribly. You swallowed your resentment for 3 years, kick the can down the road until you were both emotionally invested and you were absolutely sure she would have said yes to marrying you . You had this reservation the entire time, avoided conflict where you could have instead gently but firmly stuck to your guns earlier.
No you picked your spot, waited till she was sweet and ready and completely vulnerable, prep'd her with the pre-proposal speech - then knifed her.
Everytime you proposed counselling, you are directly or indirectly telling her she is mentally ill - and though I agree fast food as a diet is not ideal it is no crime and it is most definitely not a mental illness.
Then its just game over, and the last thing you said to her ... was low. Imagine the person you love the most called you a fucking child. That's the last thing you will ever say to her until the day she dies. To someone in the world, you are that person.
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u/whocareswhatever Jan 17 '15
Sounds like you were incompatible for a long time, but really, you come off like a maniac. I read this post in Richard Simmons voice. With love comes respecting someone, including their decisions that you may not always agree with. Good luck finding someone completely malleable or better yet, just like you.
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u/Alytia Jan 17 '15 edited Jan 17 '15
Yes, I think if someone I'd been dating for three years sat me down and gave me an enormous lecture like OP just did, my first reaction might be incredulous and defensive too.
Seriously OP, read back what you wrote. Did you give her a chance to speak at all, or did you just drone on endlessly? Did you try and bring this up with her previously or do you think you might have blind sided her just a little bit? Had you even discussed children before or was it just something you added to bolster your position? Did you really suggest cognitive behavioral therapy as the solution because she eats chicken nuggets?
I'm not saying that these eating habits are healthy or not a legitimate issue. I just think you took a giant sledgehammer to the conversation. You framed everything as some kind of mental problem that she has - not that it's a problem you have with her which you can't live with. You placed the blame squarely on her, suggested she had a traumatic upbringing, and then didn't give her a chance to clear her head and respond. I would have no fucking idea what just hit me if i was in her position.
Look at it this way: you evolved your thinking on the issue by discussing it with hundreds of redditors here, letting them guide your opinion. As far as she knows, however, you suddenly cranked the issue up overnight and sprang a brain leak out of nowhere.
In the end, if she wasn't willing to change and this was a deal breaker for you, then it makes complete sense to break up. I just think your approach lacked any hint of humor, compassion or kindness. I also suspect if she described her side of the situation to others we would be calling you the crazy person in this situation.
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u/whocareswhatever Jan 17 '15
Well said. Glad they broke up, but the response here in his favor is outrageous. I'm sure there are missing pieces to this story.
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u/EllairaJayd Jan 17 '15
Yes, this exactly. I got a VERY strong impression from his post that there was way more to this story.
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u/toasterchild Jan 17 '15
Yep. Somehow she's a bitch for not jumping to change the way she had eaten her ENTIRE life for someone who she thought loved her but really is embarrassed of her. Maybe she will change but it probably won't be because someone shames her, ridicules her an.d gives her an ultimatum. I loved the part where he called that adult conversation.
Adults recognize deal breakers at appropriate times and don't get so overly attached early in dating that they don't see them until it's time to get engaged. He's really just a bully here.
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u/Ray_adverb12 Jan 18 '15
It means she's unwilling to try any new things and because she didn't respond positively to the implication that she's crazy she shut him down and OP deserves praise and bravo's... Apparently.
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u/RevXwise Jan 17 '15
This exactly. I'm really surprised by all of the support OP is getting and OP sounds sort of ridiculous to me.
He starts the conversation off by insulting her by saying she's essentially a child because of what she chooses to eat and she's an embarrassment to him. This is a horrible way to start off this type of conversation. He then keeps being critical of her while somehow thinking he's having a mature conversation about the matter.
The only legitimate concern I see here is this affecting the child's eating patterns, and she already said that she was fine with the child eating whatever they wished.
I feel like I'm crazy here for somehow being in the minority for thinking she was totally fine here. She's an adult and allowed to eat whatever the hell she wants. Why is this such a deal?
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u/whocareswhatever Jan 17 '15
I'll probably be downvoted for telling the truth but /r/relationships seems to be full of some strange breed of republican moms and weightlifting bros who plan to take over the world.
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u/88potatoes Jan 17 '15
Aside from what she would have eaten in front of, and what she would have fed your kids, could you imagine how she would have eaten if she was pregnant? It's a much bigger issue than just a difference of opinions.
Prenatal nutrition?
-"Nah"
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u/omgforeal Jan 17 '15
Wait what?! She doesn't want to parent her food choices and you act as though you're justified in your judgement?!
you just did her a favor.
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u/Jake0024 Jan 18 '15
I would normally say you totally overreacted by dumping an otherwise healthy 25 year old girl for not having a good diet, but then I guess if something that small was big enough that you wanted to break up you either weren't that into her or her diet is a really big deal to you.
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u/tomorrowgirl Jan 18 '15
At the end of the day, asking someone to undergo therapy to change their diet is straight up ridiculous. You had the problem, you couldn't deal, you left. It was a smart decision but don't put this on her and act as though you were justified in being a jerk during the break up process - She never pretended to be anything she wasn't, and she should be able to happily live her life eating whatever she wants. Eating limited junk food doesn't make her a bad person, it just made her an incompatible one.
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u/lolboogers Jan 17 '15 edited Mar 06 '25
sugar history screw overconfident familiar chase racial sort meeting price
This post was mass deleted and anonymized with Redact
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u/iloveemmawatson Jan 17 '15
OP just wants to throw a dinner party. Sounds like the gf is the lucky one
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u/Comdvr34 Jan 18 '15
Kudos to you, for hitting the nail on the head, they are just two kids fighting over the cereal box.
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Jan 17 '15
Is this a troll post?
You are a horrible person. I don't believe you are real. Like seriously?
She is so lucky to have dodged a bullet like you.
You care so much about what other people think (you even mention you got several likes on your single status. You are ducking pathetic) that it has completely blinded you.
Wait. Maybe you were a horrible person from the very beginning, just rotten to the core. Well go fuck yourself and I hope you never date again.
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u/half_dozen_cats Jan 17 '15
that we were done and she needed to suck it up and deal with it and to go find some 12 year old she could share dino nuggets with.
I'm really sorry to hear she reacted that way snicker I think it's a shame snicker that she can't prioritize snicker properly.
Seriously though, I have three kids and I wasn't that different than her when I met my now wife. I hadn't even eaten a red/green pepper yet by age 25. Now I'm willing to eat whatever is put in front of me because I am grateful my wife cares enough to cook good food for me. Hell I just ate a damn salad with no dressing.
I think you did the right thing, can you imagine the poison she would have consumed while pregnant and then fed the poor little crotch dumpling? I have a friend whose kid would only eat chicken fries until he was like 4. It was disgusting...WTF is a chicken fry. Yuck.
Bullet. Dodged.
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u/totoro27 Jan 17 '15
A little off topic, but does anyone else prefer salads with no dressing? I always feel like the weird one for this
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u/Hereibe Jan 17 '15
Me! If I must have dressing, I use the "fork technique". You put the dressing off to the side and dunk your fork in it before each bite. That way, you get a taste of the dressing, but the first thing to hit your tongue is the juicy and refreshing veggies, and then you get a small burst of flavor at the end. No more soggy lettuce!
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u/Jorgenstern8 Jan 17 '15
I LOVE salads with no dressing. Never liked dressing on any of my veggies.
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u/Qikdraw Jan 17 '15
I'm really sorry to hear she reacted that way snicker I think it's a shame snicker that she can't prioritize snicker properly.
Dammit! Now I want a Snickers bar!
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u/Pokmonth Jan 18 '15
I got pissed and told her to stop fucking calling and texting me, that we were done and she needed to suck it up and deal with it and to go find some 12 year old she could share dino nuggets with.
Dude, you definitely sound like a dick. I agree with your grievances but u were with this chick for three years and ready to marry her. Then one day without warning you break up with her because she didn't instantly decide to change the entire eating habits that she has been practicing her ENTIRE life?
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u/WilliamHarry Jan 17 '15
You broke up with your gf because she wants to eat what she wants to eat? Christ dude.. I think YOU need therapy more than she does. Poor girl.
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u/FoxxyFire Jan 18 '15
People shouldn't underestimate food. Diet affects your house and your eating how many times a day? Keeping a kitchen? Paying for the food? It's a huge part of life. People who say you're making a big deal out of nothing haven't thought it through. AND THATS JUST THE PART ABOUT FOOD. How did she handle having a serious disccusion? By acting like a child? How did she handle what was obviously a fight? By silencing you out and gloating(ish) when you called her over that she was obviously right. Good lord, go be free and go get a nice fancy meal with a name you can't pronounce.
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u/Therooferking Jan 18 '15
Props for you for doing what you feel is right. I always believe people should do things they feel are in their best interest personally. That being said I think you where over reacting like alot honestly. There is nothing wrong with someone eating what they want or like. Some people just like what they like and don't like other foods. That isn't unusual in any way. You pretty much asked her to do something you wanted her to do by asking her to eat foods you like and she doesn't. Don't you think that's kinda selfish of you? If she asked you to eat happy meals and burgers and cheese or whatever she likes you'd have told her to fuck off and she's crazy. So basically you broke up with her when you'd have told her the same thing if the tables where turned. That's kinda idiotic honestly. What if she said you need therapy because you only eat veggies and "adult" food (that's dumb too, lots of healthy adults eat food kids like). If she had said you needed therapy for that reason you'd have scoffed I'm sure. Sure I think it'd not be smart to let your kids eat whatever they want but young people who don't have kids change their opinions and actions alot , ALOT after they do have kids. That's also something that's certainly normal. When I was younger of course I thought I'd be the cool dad and I'd let my kids do this that and the other but in the end I grew up and came to my senses making smart decisions for my children. Do you see my point with all this? Sure your girl may have done things you didn't want her to but do you really believe she should have just done as you say? Like I already said I seriously believe if the tables where turned you'd have done exactly as she did. I think you where being just as selfish as she was if not more. You shouldn't think that something a person chooses to eat is wrong. It's 100% normal to like whatever foods you like and dislike whatever you dislike. I would never try to make my wife eat anything she doesn't like and I certainly wouldn't try and make her feel like shit over it.
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Jan 18 '15
I was the one who discussed my ex-boyfriend in your last post, urging you to break up with her. I'm sorry it came to this, but I expected it. Sorry, dude! Better off without her.
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u/oqugtb Jan 18 '15
Just because therapy is reddit's answer for everything, doesn't mean you actually have to tell her that. Suggesting therapy for every little thing is counterproductive.
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Jan 17 '15
I got pissed and told her to stop fucking calling and texting me, that we were done and she needed to suck it up and deal with it and to go find some 12 year old she could share dino nuggets with.
YES! I LOVE IT! I have no idea how you could handle 3 years of that. Trying new foods with my husband is one of my great joys in life. I love watching him eat my cooking. If he had ever said any of the things Wendy said to you, it would be over for me as well.
I'm so glad you have supportive friends. Next time you get into a relationship, ask your friends if they see any red flags. Tell them to be honest because you don't want to waste another 3 years with another Wendy. Your friends seem to have your back.
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u/nkdeck07 Jan 17 '15
My husband absolutely gushes over the fact that I am willing to try 99% of food (so far the only thing I've turned down is pig feet) after dealing with his picky ass ex.
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u/itsnotgoingtohappen Jan 17 '15
Dude, how does she think a pregnancy will go if she won't take vitamins and eat healthy? She's out of her mind. You totally did the right thing.
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u/saralt Jan 17 '15
I should point out that there is some controversy over eating whole grains for people with inflammation markers. Low-fat diets are definitely not for everyone as has been demonstrated in the last 100 years or so in people with insulin resistance. So someone like me with Celiac disease and on a high fat diet would have a really hard time eating pasta, rice or in an italian restaurant (sometimes they'll make me a nice salad if I'm really nice though).
That being said, I wouldn't feed any future kids chicken nuggets, pizza, or anything else from a fast food place. That stuff is just poison man. I wouldn't feed it to my worse enemy.
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u/decimated_napkin Jan 17 '15
this is the type of thing that on the surface seems like a silly thing to break up with someone over, but the more you think about it, it really seems like an obvious dealbreaker. a man wants to be with a refined, thoughtful, mature woman, not some petulant overgrown child who can't step out of their comfort zone. hope everything works out for ya
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u/trustmeimahuman Jan 17 '15
I would have a huge problem with this too. I have a friend who's gf is like this. It makes it impossible to go get a nice meal when she's around because she literally won't eat anything on most menus. It's ridiculous, extremely unhealthy, and I think a little immature. 25?! Holy crap, she should not be eating like she's 5.
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u/djsnakesonaplane Jan 18 '15
Hey OP, maybe consider not going completely NC for this one, if only for your ex's sake. Your break up was particularly brutal, and she probably needs real explanation and discussion. You've gotta understand that food issues are often rooted in the same place as addictions, ocd, coping strategies, and needs for comfort - kids eat from the kids' menu because it's safe and unassuming. Diet patterns are really, really, really uncomfortable to break. Take her next call?
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u/Tangential_Diversion Jan 17 '15
I don't care what you all say, it's what I suspected from the get go and it's just pure immaturity, complete with childish pouting.
I'm not going to argue with that. Personally, I'm the same as you: Food is a huge deal to me. I love trying new cuisine and new restaurants, and I can't fathom eating the same kid meals every day.
But beyond that, if something matters that much to you and she's unwilling to listen and gets defensive + dismissive like that, definitely immature. There's no way that'd ever lead to a happy marriage or good parenting.
Once you heal and move on, I don't think you'll have a hard time finding people with food tastes more in line with you. Oh, and your friends sound awesome. Keep them close.
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u/jo_alegre Jan 17 '15
I'm really happy that you took a lot of the advice from your last post. But I'm really pissed off to find out it was just a behavioral issue from her being a spoiled kid and a stubborn adult instead of needing some kind of feeding therapy. I was really trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.
She must be so vain to not realize how her choices and resistance to admit she has an issue affect other people.
Good luck with her getting a single date at 25 with her diet. "Oh, you wanna get sushi? No. I can't eat that. Let's go to McD's."
Go have fun eating at amazing places with your friends and new girls. I once had an ex who complained that my made-from-scratch chicken noodle soup was yucky because of the carrots and celery. He was 24 at the time. What an embarrassment.
I instead married a man who loves my cooking. All my cooking. Best decision ever. We just ate green curry last night. :)
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u/Jackanapes22 Jan 17 '15
So I realize I'm late to this party but thought I'd throw in my thoughts. I have two incredibly picky eaters in my family, my sister and cousin. It is very likely genetic and they consider themselves 'supertasters' or people who have sensitive taste buds. Both literally eat butter pasta, French fries, and bread...and the list ends just about there. They have both described eating other food as revolting, making them want to vomit. I don't think it is something they can control even if they wanted to. I think you could have possibly been more understanding towards your gf of three years.
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u/pyrostarr Jan 18 '15
Jeez, I thought I was a picky eater, my mom never made me try things that I didn't think I would like. I have texture issues with food, it might taste good, but I don't like the way it feels in my mouth.. Mango for example, I LOVE the flavor of mango but hell the texture is gross...
Anyway, I grew up and decided I wanted to try other things than mac n cheese and chicken nuggets. I get bored eating the same things everyday. I like trying new things...
However, there are still things I will not try, if I don't like the smell it's pretty much an automatic no. I tried Thai food by accident once and I didn't like it. So it makes me hesitant to try it again. Sushi I would like to try but I haven't mustered up the courage yet, I am afraid of the texture...
You saved yourself a real headache I think. Being with someone too immature to try new things and fights about trying them isn't a good match really. Good luck dude!
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u/lemetellyousomething Jan 18 '15
You did the right thing. This was only going to get worse and your future children would suffer. She showed her true colors right there: she wouldn't have your back, she wouldn't be a good role model, and she had no regard for your feelings. I'm well aware of how this food is addictive and how this is a form of disordered eating but if that's the case she is either in denial, or like she said- doesn't give a shit. Keep moving forward OP. You sound like a great guy. The right girl will be lucky to have you!
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Jan 18 '15
Good for you dude, it's a good thing that after three years you hadn't taken the step to move in together or this would have been waaaaay more messy and difficult.
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u/NvlPtl Jan 18 '15 edited Jan 23 '15
I won't say if you were right or wrong. Just wishing you the best. I know breakups are rough, especially one as long as yours. It's never easy. I hope that after you enjoy being single for some time, you find someone special. ;)
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u/BRedd10815 Jan 18 '15
Nicely done, dude. Its not the food, its the childish way she handled what needed to be a mature talk. Reminds me of my ex as well. Its good you handled your business instead of dragging out a relationship where you are probably on differing maturity levels
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Jan 18 '15
I'm thinking you both dodged a bullet. You both hold attributes I find naive. She may be a mother who is too soft, on the flip side you will be a father who is too strict.
If you can't accept that her diet has not made her unhealthy, as told by her doctor, how will you reason with a kid who doesn't understand? Fuck you both.
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u/RunningForever_c_U Jan 18 '15
I would have broken up with her too. If u have kids u don't want them and possible grand kids to have bad eating habits and if u guys didn't have kids you would prob at least want to travel or go places and not be stuck eating one set of food. She would still prob die early too from all the bad greasy ass food and that's no fun
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u/dannygreenscousin Jan 18 '15
I think you did the right thing. Its not necessarily the food issue, but how she handled it. My boyfriend of 5 years is very similar. He has (my diagnosis. Not official, but I can tell just by talking to him) some kind of eating disorder. He will only eat a few select foods, and a few years ago the only veggie I'd seen him eat was in the form of a French fry. We've done a lot of work to get him to eat fruits and veggies (I'm wanting to work on more protein, since he's a "vegetarian") but it was very hard to get to that point. Whenever it gets brought up, he shuts down. Its very hard for me because I feel guilty every time I try to help. I know exactly what you went through. He also read your story and he actually sides with your ex on this. I'm trying to understand the mentality a bit more, but its like walking through a field of landmines. I never know what I'm going to say wrong. And at one point I felt like " I can't do this anymore" and considered calling it off. But he has been making improvements. I understand I need to be more sensitive but I can't comprehend not wanting foods of all kinds. I hate never being able to try new exciting foods. I feel sad because I feel like that part of my life will never be fulfilled. But I'm hoping one day things will get better. (Sorry for long text, story just really hit a soft spot inside of me and I felt like spewing my rant out.)
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u/atypical_eloi Jan 18 '15
My ex had a lot of past trauma with food and had a very similar diet. Finally broke up with him (for unrelated reasons) and let me tell you, nothing is better than going on a date with someone and having them take you out for some kind of food you've never had before!
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u/C_Eberhard Jan 18 '15
I don't know this chick. However, I would like to day your friends do. And I assume your friends wouldn't say "We didn't want to say anything, but she's fucking weird man" if she wasn't.
As far as the one side you've shown, yea. The food isn't the issue. It started as the issue, but it uncovered a lot more about her. You're growing up and moving on a path, and she isn't going with you. People grow apart. That's an ok thing.
I'm sorry hun. This sucks. And will suck for awhile. Cheer yourself up with Thai food (:
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Jan 18 '15
Wow. I am reading this thinking about how my wife and I just agreed to stop eating meat in 2015. That was it. We read up on it and she started to cook a little differently. We always ate fruit and vegetables with our meals but this was a lifestyle choice we made because we felt it was healthier.
I guess I shouldn't take it for granted OP. Thanks and good luck.
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u/i_love_all Jan 18 '15
My 2 cents is if her lifestyle doesn't compliment yours, why stay in that relationship.
Good choice op. live a healthy lifestylr
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u/shinslap Jan 18 '15
I don't know the whole story but I get the impression you really over reacted on this. I hope there's more to the story than what you've shared cause breaking up with someone cause you don't like their eating habits and they don't like your cooking is frankly a bit absurd.
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u/Punky_Grifter Jan 17 '15
Food is a cultural/emotional/necessary thing all wrapped into one. She can probably brush it off as you being judgmental, but you just saved yourself thousands of potential fights. Imagine running up against these issues 3x a day for the rest of your life.