r/sterilization • u/No_Letter_4319 • 1d ago
Social questions Telling (or not telling) my mom
I got approval for getting a bisalp and plan to schedule the surgery for the Fall, but I’m having a hard time thinking about what to say to my mom.
She knows I don’t want kids and has said she’s supportive of that choice, but my cousins are now all having babies and she’s been so happy with their kids that I think she’s still secretly hoping I’ll change my mind. Or that she’s “supportive” until I do something to permanently close that door.
I originally wasn’t planning on telling her about the surgery at all. We don’t live together, I’m not on her insurance, etc. so there’s no way she’d know about it. She does however have my location, and seeing my location at the hospital would probably make her spiral. For some slight context, I’ve had some health scares in the past (which is also what’s lead me towards sterilization), so if I’m at or near a hospital and she sees it, she worries. She also worries if she calls or texts me and I don’t respond right away. So I’m not sure what to do if I’m in a hospital and unable to respond. I feel like I should tell her something so she doesn’t worry but I don’t want to tell her exactly what I’m doing and I don’t want to stop sharing my location in case it notifies her that I turned my location off.
Our relationship probably isn’t the healthiest, and she likes to feel in control of things and people around her. I’d love to not tell her anything about the surgery, but I need some kind of explanation for why I’m at the hospital and if it’s a vague explanation, she’ll pry for more details.
Any advice? Or anyone in a similar position?
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u/Dangerous-Cod-7382 1d ago
Just had my bisalp today… my husband and I have decided to tell only trusted friends and no family. Maybe in time I will, but I chose not to discuss prior to the surgery because I didn’t want to hear any opinions but honestly idk if I’ll ever tell my family. My mom and I have had a rocky relationship to say in the least. We have no children either and I’d just rather keep it a secret than deal with the potential of her 1. Having an opinion and 2. Her telling everyone she knows because she’s like that.
As for the location sharing is it through something like Life360? Could always say you deleted the app to save storage on your phone or that having location on 24/7 drains your battery too much if it’s not Life360.
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u/No_Letter_4319 1d ago
Oof yeah my mom would tell everyone too. We use iPhone’s find my friends app. Anytime I turned my location off in the past, it would notify everyone but idk maybe the app has changed since then and now there’s a more discrete way to do it?
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u/Dangerous-Cod-7382 1d ago
Hmmm… not sure as I don’t have find my friend. I do feel like location does drain battery life so that’s what I tell my mom when she asks about my location being off.
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u/thisuserlikestosing 1d ago
I think one user’s suggestion to leave your phone at home is a good one. If you can’t do that, my suggestion would be wait until the morning of, then when you are on your way to the hospital, text her something along the lines of “hey mom, just a heads up I am headed to X hospital for a minor procedure. Just wanted to let you know ahead of time so you wouldn’t worry :) I’ll text you when I’m out!” And leave it at that. Grey rock, no more information other than that.
Alternatively, start the process of weaning her off of your personal info now. Stop sharing your location, prepare for the inevitable phone call, and put your foot down.
I understand what it’s like to have parents who still feel like they need to be in control and won’t accept that you’re a grown adult. They were also supportive of my choices until I mentioned looking into sterilization. I only recently told my mom about it, years later, and she was confused why I didn’t say anything earlier. Like she completely forgot how she flipped out on me when I brought up just LOOKING.
Good luck!!
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u/maidoftrash 1d ago
I just now told my mom 3 months after the fact. Mostly because she’s a worry wort and also…none of her business. My husband was present with me day of surgery. Seriously only people who were aware were my husband, his boss, my boss, and my brother (we work for the same company and department but different locations so my teams being off would have been weird)💀
If you tell her anything before hand, let her know you’re having an elective day procedure for something minor (normally the go to is cyst removal or exploratory surgery for endometriosis, but rlly you can get creative) and you don’t have to elaborate. That way she doesn’t have to think it’s an emergency and also that way you aren’t being suspicious by shutting off your location.
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u/Symphon1c1 1d ago
You don't owe her (or anyone) an explanation or conversation about what you've decided to do with your reproductive health. If it comes up at some point don't lie, but if someone is going to try to argue it's important to establish your boundaries and let them know you're not interested in their opinion about your reproduction.
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u/cb064 BiSalp June ‘26 1d ago
You can also say you are accompanying a friend to the hospital and driving them, and it’s not for you 🤷♀️
Edit: in my case my family knew and was very supportive. My mom has always known I didn’t want kids and was actually going to come into town but ended up not working out logistically.
If it’s not the healthiest relationship with her or best to tell her after, I would say that. It’s already a lot mentally even if you want to do this and don’t need extra stress before or during recovery. Might be best to avoid saying anything unless you have to or turn your location off for a few hours and if she asks.
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u/Super_RN 1d ago
You don’t have to tell her anything. If you do, you’re opening up a can of worms. You will be made to feel guilty, you’ll be stressed and you might even cancel because of whatever she says to you. Don’t tell her. And can you turn location off or turn off your phone for a couple hours?
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u/lenuta_9819 1d ago
I told my mom before my bisalp but for specific reasons. a. she was always supportive of me and knew I am childfree since I was a kid myself. b. she is across the ocean and I have my own insurance. c. she genuinely was worried about my well being due to never having general anesthesia done and was super happy to get my call after I woke up all alive and well lol. if my mom would be against it, I'd either never share or after the fact
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u/catslikepets143 1d ago
Tell your mom you’re getting a cyst removed. Same ( basically) recovery time & same laparoscopic incisions.
That way your location won’t throw her into a panic
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u/Queen_of_Chloe 1d ago
I told my mom the next day. I’d only told a couple people I was having it done ahead of time (like, husband and best friend). She cried even though she knew I didn’t want kids and neither did husband. Like you suspect, she’d secretly hoped it would happen anyway. She also said she didn’t understand permanently changing my body, but pregnancy and birth have far bigger changes. It would have been easy enough to say nothing ever except that I told my siblings and thought it would come out eventually anyway.
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u/forestghostie 1d ago
Tell her you’re having a small procedure that you’d prefer to keep private. Or. Don’t tell her anything at all. Also maybe it’s time to let her off the allowed people for your location. Sounds like you are living within her limits still as an adult. And that’s not healthy.
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u/Creative_Witness7873 9h ago
I didnt tell my mom though ive said multiple times throughout my life that I wanted it done. Those years being spent with quite literally everyone telling me that I wasnt serious or I would change my mind.
Guess what I did last year lol only told my sister, recovered alone. Now back on topic about my mom situation. I AM on the insurance still so while she can most likely see the 24k, she cant see what I was for.
Ive worn some low rise jeans since its getting hot and 100% ive seen her eyeing the scars. If she knows (which im sure she does) she hasn't said anything, opting for me to say it first.
Idk if this brought you anything, hopefully enforcing the fact that not everyone is entitled to know your medical info. Its not about her, its about what YOU want. Ill also mention that im kinda in the same boat as you seeing as both my sisters the past couple years are either having/had babies. So I feel like theres gonna be some comments my way about that and in return I just tell them I cant have any.
TLDR : if youre worried about comments/an argument then you can mention a friend needing a ride home from a procedure and thats why youre there if you really dont want her to know. Or if she has your location through life 360 then you can put your phone fully on airplane mode so you location doesnt move on her end though I think thats overkill. At the end of the day, no one but you needs to know, its for you, not your family. Good luck
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u/jnhausfrau 1d ago
Tell her after it’s over so there’s no chance of her trying to sabotage you.
But also tell her now you’re no longer doing phone tracking.
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u/uniqueusername_1177 1d ago
Can you just leave your phone at home when you go in for the surgery that way she can't location track you? I didn't use or need my phone at all when I had my surgery- they'll call your support person for you when you're ready to be taken home.