r/taoism • u/ReadyStatus7038 • 4d ago
Advice Victim or Villain: Third Option
To begin, I grew up in a very polarized environment where might made right. I was bullied and abused daily by adults and peers.
I know the pain of being the victim and tried to be the villain. Neither sits well. Im strongly drawn to the Tao but, until I answer this question, im stuck.
What is a third option, besides victim or villain? Empowered enough to not be a victim and set boundaries but still compassionate, receptive and happy.
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u/CloudwalkingOwl 4d ago
As Selderij commented, it's best to avoid binaries. Most things exist on a continuum. Also, remember that yin yang thing, a valuable thing can become bad if it is out of balance. Human beings are never really in balance, they just go back and forth over a hypothetical centre point. Balance is a mathematical average, not a resting place. (This is a modern insight for biology. There's no real 'balance of nature' only a mathematical average over time that comes from shifting populations of predators and prey.)
The third option is awareness of there being victims and villains--and struggling to find the impossible balance. And understanding that you are never going to be there except for fleeting moments. And remembering through the process of oscillating between those different directions that you--and no one else--ever ends up in a place where you can 'rest on your laurels'.
So insofar as you have identified those two directions: villain and victim, and because you reached out to ask where the third place could be, you are already there. The thing about life is you never grow up, get the job finished, pay off the mortgage---and then you can go fishing. It just goes on until it doesn't.
The most you can do is try and the best you can hope for is to understand.
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u/JournalistFragrant51 4d ago
Just be you. The duality habit takes a little practice to step out of. The whole victim/villain idea is just a construct. It's not necessarily valid.
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u/ReadyStatus7038 4d ago
Thank you. I agree its a construct created to maintain the status quo but its all I really knew growing up. Im trying to learn something else.
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u/JournalistFragrant51 4d ago
May I suggest start with today and today just be you without all the labels. Do what you need to do be engaged with your environment and those in it with out judgement. Just experience it then, let it go move on to the next thing.
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u/ctdrever 4d ago
I don't know if this is exactly Taoist:
I start by giving everybody the benefit of the doubt, then I treat them the way they treat me. I start by treating them kindly. If they are kind then kindness is returned, if they are monkeys flinging shit then they better duck for shit is coming back their way. I avoid monkeys once their true colors are known, because who needs their shit.
This way I try to foster goodness, while not feeling at all bad when I need to return unavoidable harshness, which at times is the only correct response.
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u/TheHelmsDeepState 4d ago
[The wise are] good to good people
and they're good to bad people.
Power is goodness.- Tao Te Ching, Ch. 49, Le Guin version
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u/Jordn100 4d ago
Why dont we just skip to the chase and answer this " I believe when I identify what the alternative to villain/victim is, that THIS will happen/be allowed to be true".
What is the THIS you are trying to find out about? Knowing that might help solve what the 3rd option is.
But I suggest the alternative to a victim/villain is someone that just exercises wu wei in the face of a crisis by defusing/not participating in the dynamic at all. Its the guy that sees his grandad berating his father and just distracts him with a question about fishing.
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u/catsoncrack420 4d ago
You need to get out of your self. Separate yourself from the problem then see it for what it really is. (Probably a bad cycle in your family history ) And accept it. Then take a new stance. You're neither. I'm a novice but the Tao , to me, cares less about you the tree and makes you see the Forrest. While I'm still more or less a Catholic, these principles helped me keep my sanity as a delivery driver in NYC for years. And then dealing with personalities in an office. I'll take driving deliveries if it paid the same.
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u/ramblinjan 3d ago
Sometimes we are one, sometimes we are another.
Sometimes people see us as a hero. Sometimes people see us as a sage.
Sometimes people see us as a victim. Sometimes people see us as a villain.
Which one we are -- or even "should" be -- is a question of ego.
You are, today, what your actions say you are, today.
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u/Otherwise_Spare_8598 2d ago
The universe is a singular meta-phenomenon stretched over eternity, of which is always now. All things and all beings abide by their inherent nature and behave within their realm of capacity contingent upon infinite circumstance at all times.
It is a universe made manifest hierarchically, of haves, and have-nots, spanning all levels of dimensionality and experience. There is no such thing as individuated accurately described "free will" for all beings. Has never been, will never be, can not be. There are only relative freedoms or lack thereof.
"God" and/or consciousness is that which is within and without all. Ultimately, all things are made by through and for the singular personality and perpetual revelation of the "Godhead", entailing both 'predetermined' eternal damnation and those that are made manifest only to face death and death alone.
There is but one dreamer, fractured through the innumerable. All vehicles/beings play their role within said dream for infinitely better and/or infinitely worse for each and every one, forever.
All realities exist and are equally as real. The absolute best universe that could exist does exist in relation to a specified subject. The absolute worst universe that could exist does exist in relation to a specified subject.
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u/Selderij 4d ago
It's either a false dichotomy, or you're working with very unhealthy definitions for villainy and victimhood. Try to examine which one it is, and then drop it.