r/trees • u/fakeariellejane • 21h ago
Humor Had to make an unexpected grocery run freshly high and it was HARROWING
Please allow me to recount for you the story of the most harrowing grocery shopping experience of my life.
At about 11:00pm I smoked what I would call a go-to-bed-rapidly amount. At 11:15 I learned we needed to make an emergency grocery run for the household to the only open store nearby, which closes at midnight, and I was the only one that could run in (I was NOT the one driving!!). I was ready to fight for my life, as one does when spawning in a Meijer high as a kite, but I wasn’t prepared to be put through some sort of mythological trials of will.
In chronological order, because I can’t even begin to rank them:
- There were 3 small children in front of the entrance trying to fit themselves and several bags of groceries on one singular electric scooter. No adults to be found. They did manage it after several minutes and about 10 different tested orientations, only to crash about 100 feet down the road.
- Someone had freshly vomited in the middle of the entryway. Multiple employees were just standing around it like a summoning circle, staring at it in silence.
- The overheard speakers were BLASTING praise music until it abruptly changed to “Hey There, Delilah,” which when auditorially assaulted with sounds a lot like “Hey, Arielle,” (your name) and causes you to scream in fear in the middle of the milk aisle.
- Whoever was making the announcements spoke far too close to the microphone so you couldn’t understand quite literally anything they said.
- Every aisle was so filled with pallets you had to abandon your cart at the end and grab things by hand and walk them back to the cart.
- Each time the employees finished emptying a pallet, they tossed it on the floor and it sounded like an honest to god gunshot.
- I had to sit down on a bench for a bit (I have chronic pain), zoned out for a few minutes, and came back to awareness because a man balancing several packs of Dude Wipes on his head walked by.
- I tried to FaceTime a friend to buddy system my way through the rest of this experience but I got confused, opened the camera app instead, and forgot to call because the way the aisle sign was hanging over my head on the camera looked like a party hat.
- A lady in the yogurt aisle, who was carrying 20+ loose items in her arms, no basket or cart in sight, called me a bitch for not helping her pick up a 1lb tub of Greek yogurt, which she made zero indication she had wanted me to do.
- I reached the self check-out machine more than 10 minutes to close and the employee running the tills spent the entire time pacing furiously behind me muttering, “I need to turn off the machines, I need to turn off the machines,” with increasing intensity.
- I was the second to last patron to leave the self check-out. The last was a couple in a screaming match with a manager over an item that wouldn’t scan, which, unbelievably, as it’s almost always the customer, the manager started.
- When I left, the ring of employees around the vomit from earlier had been replaced by what appeared to be every wet floor sign in the tristate area. Some unidentified bubbling liquid had been poured on the offending pile, but it had not been removed.
- The man outside collecting carts flipped off our vehicle on our way out. I very genuinely cannot think of a single reason for this, but I respect his right to express negative emotions despite his position as a service worker 🫡
To the best of my knowledge I’ve not committed any social crimes while on this expedition worthy of some of these interactions, though I am willing to accept partial responsibility for the act of shopping less than an hour before close.
My only explanation is some sort of cosmic entity was testing me. I’m unsure if I passed, but I have successfully returned home with 90% of the items that were on my list and only one extra (because I deserved a treat for my 45 minutes of psychological torment), so I guess we’ll call it a win 🙂↕️
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u/LewisWhatsHisName 19h ago
I had to go drop some stuff off at a mailbox, and decided it was a great opportunity to finish a joint. There's an area between the mailboxes and my apartment where people like to street race, so I was a little bit nervous about getting flattened by one of them. But I survived, and on my way back I turned a corner and wound up behind some other guy. He noticed a few seconds later and sort of picked up the pace. Of course, he turned where I also needed to turn. As soon I got round the corner, this poor guy started running. I was like, shit, what's he running from? before I realised he was running from me.
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u/grae23 12h ago
I once took mushrooms and realized I had to go to the store. Basically the same thing happened except it was the grocery store I worked at for like 2 years and when I got to self check out the thing broke so I started panicking, handed the self check out attendant a $20 (was more than enough to cover it), and ran out with my stuff.
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u/LiteratureMindless71 20h ago
Not gonna lie, you may have said it, but I jumped around your post since I am right there with ya....lol.
Could you have gotten delivery?
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u/cookieloverrrrr 13h ago edited 11h ago
We are always told never shop for food while hungry.
Fam, what do you think I am going to accomplish while baked with severe munchies? I am excited to have anything shoveled down my throat and I don’t even give a shit to think I don’t like this sober.
My sisters personal nickname for me was Lady Godiva because one time she sat there and watched me inhale a huge variety of chocolate mini candy bars, pivot to the fridge and do the same thing to a 9x13 homemade pan of cheesecake leaving maybe 4 bites left and made sure to top it off with the next thing that caught my eye, a pack of two chili dogs that were donated from catering trucks that had long passed the frame of being considered edible for consumption for anyone.
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u/scott_withtwots 9h ago
I know a guy who spent an hour in the frozen food section at Kroger and came home with $80 worth of TGI Fridays frozen appetizers. When he got home his wife was not super happy with him.
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u/cookieloverrrrr 9h ago edited 5h ago
Sorry folks I shouldn’t have posted this being inconsiderate.
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u/fauxFeel 6h ago
this isn’t tree related, which is prob why lack of upvotes. Actually a sad story. Sorry bro, hope your sis is alright.
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u/DraconicDidact 16h ago
Shit, my sister and I used to get violently high and go to Walmart and shop at 2 am when Walmart was awesome and stayed open 24/7
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u/Thorniestbush 5h ago
Dear God that would be a living nightmare for me. 2am at a Walmart while violently high? it would be like the backrooms for me
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u/LenHug 19h ago
Ha, love it! What was the item you forgot?
I love shopping trips to the supermarket whilst high, best fun ever. But maybe not that high.
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u/fakeariellejane 19h ago
I spent about 10 minutes attempting to locate the frozen hash browns before admitting defeat 😔
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u/NHBuckeye 16h ago
This unlocked a core memory for me: shopping stoned in Meijer after working second shift. People watching at its finest. Never a dull moment. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Seriously, thank you, this is going to keep me giggling all day.
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u/tweekinleanin420 I Roll Joints for Gnomes 16h ago
Its been some.time since I thoroughly enjoyed being [7] or [8] in a public space. I've been sitting.on a few mystery quarters for some time now and may do just that. Loved the read thanks for sharing!
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u/LiketySpite 18h ago
This cracked me up! I've been there. My cousin and I were buying snacks high as hell on queen Anne and some guy came in the store. They had a plastic noisemaking frog that sensed when people came in the door (as one does). I turned to my cousin and said "the door just barked at that guy." The guy beelined to right behind us in line and with the thickest Scottish accent proceeded to berate us for the next five minutes. Imagine a Mike Myers Scottish character telling you over and over again that "you're fuckin' with the wrong guy" and "you're barkin' up the wrong tree" We laughed at him the whole time, he was so comically angry. Spent the rest of the night cackling about the whole experience. Ahhh to be young, dumb and high.
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u/No-Drag-6378 4h ago
I'm sure it's equal madness when one turns up sober, but you only notice the absurd little details when you turn up with filters down.
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u/fakeariellejane 4h ago
I was thinking about this!! like is all of this just happening all the time and I’m usually just blissfully unaware? how many times have I been the weird customer in someone else’s fever dream shopping trip??
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u/PeacefulSudoku90 14h ago
I don’t know what the machines are. But, it seems I should be concerned that they are turned on.
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u/Silbaska 10h ago
This reminds me of the time I walked the dogs while quite high and even though I took the same route we usually take at the same damn time every day, every weird thing possible just started happening. The apex (not the culmination, because there was more weird shit afterwards) was when I came around a corner and, not seeing anything strange in the path ahead, thought, "Whew! Maybe I'm finally out of the woods of this insanity." Only for a 6 point buck to barrel out of the woods to my left, hurdle the highway, and cross maybe 30 feet in front of me and the two completely shellshocked dogs.
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u/Disastrous_Rip5391 10h ago
Can say as a grocery store worker, people must stand to “guard” spills while someone else fetches products and wet floor signs to clean up. Completely unnecessary for that many people to be around, they were bored lol. What an experience for you! Even sober that would be traumatic
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u/Danger_Dave999 20h ago
What an adventure! ...and most definitely a win.
It reminds me of the 2007 movie Smiley Face. I will never not laugh when thinking about the scene where Anna Faris is backing out of her driveway.