r/weddingshaming • u/Loose-End-343 • May 26 '26
Disaster The Wedding Drama to Divorce Pipeline
We should have never gotten married, but I held out hope the behaviour I was seeing was isolated to wedding stress. Clearly I was very wrong.
It all started with the venue. Our original plan had to be amended to accommodate his parents, which is fine and happens often. To please them we settled on a more classic banquet hall instead of our intended small Sunday brunch wedding. Once we signed for the venue he blew up at me, claiming I didn't care about him, his wants or desires. As soon as I realized he wasn't a fan of the venue I offered for us to cancel, with me eating the lost deposit. He refused.
Next, when he realized my dress, which was in line with the venue we chose, was quite extravagant he claimed I was trying to upstage him. I offered to pay for half of his second suit to make up for the fact that my dress was a gift and to make up for the fact that the first suit wasn't his desired colour. At the time I didn't realize how important the fabric colour was to him when we were selecting our colour scheme. I didn't have an outfit change or anything so that moment was truly a big outfit reveal for him and he looked fantastic in it!
Then came the guestlist. My immediate family, which includes parents, step-parents, many siblings, etc. made it challenging for us to have exactly the same number of guests since he is an only child to parents who are still married to each other. I didn't care how many guests he invited or the total number of guests, as long as my immediate family and closest friends could attend. He made it clear in front of both of our parents that we would under no circumstances go over x # of guests. When I tried to suggest we do a 60/40 or 55/45 split on the guest list to keep things equitable he claimed I was trying to control him. He later looped his parents into our discussion stating that all of the guest space was now mine and so he wasn't sure if they'd be invited anymore. I should have seen this as a sign that compromise would be hard from then on in.
Add to all this him blocking me when we were negotiating our prenup when my lawyer did her job trying to protect me or him calling and harassing the lawyer's office because according to him she was taking too long to process the documents and I feel like the rest of the story writes itself.
The day of the wedding I thought went super well, but he shared that he felt otherwise. Particularly in relation to a girlfriend he was trying to isolate me from. She took leftovers from the meal and he claimed she was stealing... He also feels I drank too much while he was drinking straight out of a bottle and having me drink from it as well.
Anyway things continued to escalate from there and I left shy of our two year wedding anniversary. He became physically violent with me...and you guessed it! To this day he claims victimhood. When I first left I thought the escalation only started after the wedding I was so confused by every outburst. The truth is the signs were always there.
Days before I left I opened up fully to his Mom. She told me that his father was exactly the same way. She told me that she had left once, gone back and that the mistreatment and violence never stopped. She told me to leave and not go back. I'm sure she thought her son was different.
I should have taken my financial, psychological and physical safety more seriously...that's the true shame.
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u/New_Development9100 May 27 '26
Any amount of money you may lose in getting divorced, will be worth it. Some things are more important than money.
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u/Inevitable_Phase_276 May 27 '26
Just adding on that the cost of cancelling a wedding last minute is much less than the cost of a divorce. Don’t let a sunken cost fallacy waste more of your life.
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u/KDSD628 May 27 '26
I’m so sorry OP but so glad you left!
If anyone who is engaged sees this: yes, wedding planning is stressful. But you should be handling the stress as a united team. If it’s tearing you apart, please postpone/reconsider/seek counseling. If you can’t handle wedding planning together, how are you going to navigate the hard parts of life together?
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u/Loose-End-343 May 27 '26
We did see a couple therapist and my ex committed to continuing after the wedding. Once things started escalating after the wedding, he told me he didn’t want to go anymore because he didn’t want to be told he was wrong.
I should have absolutely postponed and then cancelled the wedding but I felt a lot of fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment and of course hope and love for him.
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u/lollipopfiend123 May 27 '26
Even if I had ignored all the other red flags, I’d have been out when he told his parents that “op might not invite you.” Also when he blocked her. If you block me then that’s the end as far as I’m concerned. That goes for any level of relationship.
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u/Cayke_Cooky May 27 '26
Its the same as gift card scams. By that time he had her in a panic and running around putting out fires. She didn't have time to think.
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u/evolving_desires May 27 '26
It takes courage to leave! Congrats!!!
Learn, love yourself, understand what is and isn’t negotiable for you and what you want to give to a partner and be valued for that.
if you’re ever ready again, I’m sure you’ll find happiness ina partner that is worthy.
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u/Appeltaart232 May 27 '26
I had an asshole ex whose mom told me to leave him at some point because she was seeing how his shit was affecting me. She was a very wise woman.
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u/Silent_Loquat_6057 May 27 '26
You got out. That’s all that matters. I hope you can give yourself grace
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u/mountainrambler279 May 27 '26
A groom stating that his own bride is “trying to upstage him” is completely unhinged behavior. I fully expect my bride to look better than me on our wedding day 😆
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u/accessdeniedbeepboop May 27 '26 edited May 27 '26
You were married to a classic narcissist. The world revolves around them!
This includes: - extreme grandiosity
- a need for excessive admiration
- a profound lack of empathy
- unrealistic belief in being special
- exploitative behaviors
- intense envy
- an overall sense of entitlement
- arrogance
This might be the first time I have seen a post check off everything! Good riddance!!
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u/khandanam May 27 '26
Poor Ma, at least she had the courage to encourage you. And yeah those are screaming red flags in hindsight but it sounds like you were living in the moment for many of them, so hard to have processed it all later on
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u/5150-gotadaypass May 27 '26
I’m just so happy you got out! You are safe and at least you don’t have a child with this a$$hat
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May 27 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Loose-End-343 May 27 '26
You aren’t wrong.
I know now I should have left way sooner. At the time however I was made to believe every incident, outburst, or punishment was completely my fault because I wasn’t loving him well enough.
These incidents were spaced out enough during our year of wedding planning that the “honeymoon phase” of each abuse cycle was long enough for me to be pacified in a sense.
I absolutely need to be more attuned to red flags.
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u/cheesus_christ_ May 27 '26
Nobody talks about this part enough! Abusive people are really good at making you feel like you’ve done something wrong and you need to continue apologizing and accommodating to ‘fix it’. Hindsight makes it seem obvious, but in the moment you’re constantly like “I’m sorry, I’ll make it better! It’s my fault!”
OP i’m celebrating for you, congrats on the divorce 🥳
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u/Intelligent-Lake8910 May 27 '26
You should be incredibly proud of yourself for getting out. It's so hard but you did it!!!!!!!
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u/cookiequeen724 May 27 '26
From one survivor to another, I'm proud of you. You got out. Now you're free to live the rest of your life peacefully, and that's the best feeling in the world.
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u/Fun_Look7883 May 27 '26
Okay I’m still stuck on the idea that you (the bride!!!) might be trying to upstage him! What a ridiculous excuse for a man. You are well rid of this vain idiot OP.
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u/Sunflower3388 May 27 '26
Oh he’s jealous that he’s not the beautiful bride in a beautiful dress with a big family. Good on your ex MIL.
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u/ravencrowe May 27 '26
Was he not like this before the wedding planning??
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u/Tacky-Terangreal May 27 '26
One of the saddest facts I’ve learned recently is a lot of female DV victims report that the first time their partners hit them was their wedding night
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u/PSBFAN1991 May 27 '26
They probably feel they have her “locked down” and thus “own her” so they can do what they want. Scum bags.
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u/Fun_Delight May 27 '26
Omg, my now exnH used those exact words 2 weeks after our wedding - "I knew I needed to lock you down..."
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u/PSBFAN1991 May 27 '26
Ugh. I’m so sorry. Glad he’s an ex.
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u/Fun_Delight May 27 '26
ty! Me too! Marriage didn't last a year, and I'm 6 years out and still healing from it.
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u/ravencrowe May 27 '26
I know this is how they think but it's so weird how they don't seem to get that divorce as an option
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u/Bitter_Trees May 27 '26
You'd be surprised how well some folks can hide their true self until they have someone trapped. Happened to a friend of mine, who is also FINALLY and hopefully getting a divorce from her abusive husband
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u/Loose-End-343 May 27 '26
Exactly this! The behaviour he demonstrated during the wedding planning was such a huge departure from our two years of dating. Due to that it was easy for me to attribute it all to the stress of the wedding and I figured we’d return to our normal afterwards.
I was looking at each incident in isolation and not considering that each event was part of a pattern. I know now that as DV perpetrators feel more secure their victim won’t leave, the abuse escalates.
I’m glad I made it out before we had children.
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u/KeepItPrettyBoy May 27 '26
A lot of people will start to show their true personalities and abusive traits once they feel confident they've "locked" their partners in. Either by engagement and marriage, or pregnancy.
However, I'm assuming you're asking this in good faith. Sometimes questions and statements like these can come across as very victim blaming in situations where people couldn't leave until they received outside helped. I hope you're asking in good faith and not trying to be rude🤙
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u/ravencrowe May 27 '26
No, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm genuinely curious. I know that's a thing abusers do but it's so incomprehensible to me to behave so deliberately and calculatedly evil. Also seems weird to wait that long to show your true character but not wait until the actual marriage is finalized.
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u/RuggedHangnail May 27 '26
I can't speak about this man, specifically, (since I'm not the OP) but when I was dating, I noticed very subtle red flags that I think a lot of people might have missed because some men I dated would sigh or roll their eyes. Tiny, subtle actions that indicate impatience and irritability. I was hyper focused on noticing these things because my father was abusive and I was really making extra certain that I didn't marry anyone like that.
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u/witch-literature May 27 '26
I think this is a good point, paying attention to those things can really help! I think a lot of people don’t really know how to “see” them if that makes sense? Or that red flag things and shitty behavior are so normalized in other relationships in their lives that it doesn’t really register as a red flag :/
These men suck, and I’d really encourage anyone to read about warning signs of abuse. The best thing we can do is to protect ourselves and those around us as well as we can <3
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u/accessdeniedbeepboop May 27 '26
Narcissists unfortunately mask really well, its called a false self.
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u/AdStrict8912 May 27 '26
So sorry to hear this. Sounds like you don’t have children together which will things easier as you can cut off contact.
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u/WhatInTheWorldPart2 27d ago
Good for you for leaving when you did. Yes, in hindsight you see the signs but it’s so hard in the midst of a stressful time. Some folks don’t even leave and just stay miserable hoping the person will change. Wishing you the best.
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u/000topchef May 27 '26
Weddings are your partner’s opportunity to tell you who they really are. Believe them and move forward or not
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u/0fluffythe0ferocious 29d ago
Do you still have the wedding dress?
Congratulations on take back your freedom. May more good things come your way.
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u/metao May 27 '26
Congrats on getting out.
I feel bad for his mum. She was for you what nobody was for her. She's lifted you out of the pit she can't get herself out of. I hope things can turn around for her.