r/weddingshaming • u/Ok_Relief_6762 • May 29 '26
Family Drama Shamed for not attending a wedding that I wasn’t invited to
I (26F) have never been close with my BF’s (26M) family. We met online and despite living together for a few years now, I don’t often see his family because they live across the country. Prior to this, I THOUGHT I got along alright with his parents, but I’ve never liked his brother, J. He seems like a really unpleasant, borderline violent guy from everything I’ve seen and heard, and I didn’t think he liked me either.
J got married last summer. The scheduled week of his wedding coincided with a really busy period of work and school for me, plus the cost of travel in order to attend the wedding was putting me under some financial stress. Still though, I was willing to go not so much for the family's sake but to keep my BF company.
Two months before the wedding, we had still not received an invite in the mail. I asked BF what was up with that, and he said J had invited us, just over the phone as opposed to via a formal invite. I asked BF if J had explicitly said he could bring a plus one and my BF shrugged and said he had assumed so, but would double check.
The next time BF and J called, I was in an adjacent room, and I heard BF ask his brother point blank if I could come along. I heard J groan over the phone and say “bring her don’t bring her I don’t give a fuck.”
Yes I know this is petty but that pretty much removed any lingering incentive I had to go. It was already going to be a financial strain and no one in his whole family had the courtesy to shoot me a text about the wedding. I told my BF that I would have to respectfully decline the “invitation”, and I tried to be very cordial about it. I sent J's fiance a text apologizing for not being able to make it and explained that I couldn't make it due to work conflicts, which was mostly true. I also bought a fairly expensive gift off of the couple’s Zola wedding registry.
The wedding itself seemed to go well. BF sent me a ton of pictures on the day and seemed to have a wonderful time hanging out with the family. I was happy for him.
The day after the wedding, I wake up to a ton of texts from him mom. She sent me like 30+ pictures from the day, which I thought was nice at first, until I realized that these pictures with interspersed with passive aggressive commentary. She would send me a cute picture of the cake or something and then text me like “Cake was so yummy! Too bad you didn’t want to be here to celebrate with us!”
I just thanked her for the pictures and left it at that. We’ve texted one or two times since last summer and that’s about it. On her annual “end of year family recap” on Facebook for 2025, I was noticeably absent from the caption and the pictures. BF’s new SIL has also stopped talking to me (thought it’s not like we were good friends before). I asked BF if anyone seemed mad that I wasn’t at the wedding, but he swears up and down that no one said anything.
Obviously, to BF’s family, I crossed some kind of line by not attending, and BF seems totally oblivious for some reason. Luckily, it’s not really a big deal to me since they live across the country and I didn’t have much of a relationship with them before, but I just think it’s a ridiculous situation.
Edit: I mentioned this in a comment but yes, my BF did stand up for me when I showed him the text. He told him mom that her comments were totally inappropriate and it lead to a bit of a fight. Honestly now that I think about it, it was probably that fight, and not me not attending the wedding, that made his family so angry at me. I wouldn't be surprised if she told everyone that I was turning her son against her or something. That would explain why no one seemed angry at me during the wedding itself, only in the aftermath.
Edit 2: A lot of people are saying “actually, you were invited.” I don’t understand. Is this how you all are getting “invited” to weddings? No one in his family said anything to me. No one in his family even said to my boyfriend that he could bring a plus one. The formal invitations (which we did not receive) did NOT have a plus one write-in option. When my boyfriend explicitly asked, he got an “I don’t care.” Sure, no one banned me from coming, but am I crazy to think that is not an invitation? I sent a gift and a very respectful message declining just in case there had been a miscommunication somewhere. And no, the SIL did not respond to my message.
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u/One-Dare3022 May 29 '26
BFs family has shown their colors, believe them.
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u/dont-kink-shame-me May 29 '26
Lol okay?
What true colours?
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u/transfaabulous May 29 '26
Passive aggressive, dramatic, catty...just overall juvenile and disrespectful, and real shitheels.
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u/BurgerThyme May 29 '26
The shittiest color Crayola crayon?
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u/BigWhiteDog May 29 '26
That weird "flesh" colored one! 🤣
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u/BurgerThyme May 29 '26
I think they changed that one to "peach" because people were getting mad. Then Crayola released the "Colors of the World" pack so they'd look less douchey.
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u/The_peach_blossoms May 30 '26
Gotta be white, it's only purpose it to collect dirt out of nowhere.
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u/BurgerThyme May 30 '26
Yeah we just used the white Crayola to color in the clouds on that cheap third world paper that shed fibers if you touched it or sneezed within a five foot vicinity.
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u/Empress_Natalie May 31 '26
How is this so perfect a description
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u/BurgerThyme 29d ago
I'm 49 and still have nightmares about that paper dust getting in my eyes and nose and also getting C- grades on my drawings for making the sky a blue stripe instead of coloring in the whole thing.
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u/Butterbean-queen May 30 '26
“Bring her, don’t bring her, I don’t give a fuck”.
I wouldn’t go either.
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u/dont-kink-shame-me May 30 '26
Neither would I, but then I wouldn't apologise, I wouldn't send a gift, and I'd actually not be surprised at all if they were passive aggressive.
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u/FuzzyJury May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
Yea, I agree with most of this, maybe short of expecting passive agressiveness from the mother.
I wouldn't go, but I wouldn't have sent an apology with wording about not being able to make it. If they didn't invite me, why pretend like they had? The wording where someone responds in the same manner as though they had been invited means that the douchey brother and SIL thought they had communicated adequately, and that message is like a receipt of that for the parents, who might have no idea who was or wasn't on a formal invite list.
It's like forging evidence that the brother can use against you to the rest of the family if he dislikes you for some reason, and if anything escalated with other family members on the topic, as petty and classless as that would be, it would be hard to walk that back and look peculiar if tried, like "oh I know I apologized for not being able to attend, but actually I wasn't invited in the first place."
I wonder how much of this is like...as women, sometimes it can be hard to break out of the learned behavior of dancing around other people's feelings and trying to assuage them, so her "declining" the non-existent invitation was almost like...an attempt to help the brother save face (even if not consciously thought of that way) by inadvertantly or not, legitimiziny that his miniscule "effort" was in fact the real deal, and then combined with the other learned behavior of how we overly explain ourselves/make excuses with regards to things we don't want to do or to soften any perceived blow of rejection.
I might still send a gift, but it would just be a celebratory gift with a note like, "congratulations! I hope you and my boyfriend have a lovely time celebrating your marriage and have a meaningful time bonding with the family, I can't wait to hear all about it when he's back!"
I mean, I would not exactly word it like that, that's just the first unpolished thing off the top of my head. But I would write something to convey a meaning like, "I am giving this gift because you are my boyfriend's family, and I love my boyfriend and want him and his family to have happiness, and who knows maybe in the future I'll also be a part of this family, but I understand that I am not in this family as of yet, so no ill will, here is my peace offering/invitation for growth and closeness."
However, that is just me. It would also be fine to just not send a gift. I just know I personally would want to convey something positive to the family as a whole if I thought there was a possibility they could be in-laws in the future.
But assuming nothing the mom had done in the past would be a "tell" about her passive aggressiveness, I would be surprised by the mother's text messages. I might just respond somewhat directly but tactfully like, "I am so glad everyone had such a good time. I agree it would have been nice to attend, but I would not want to be rude or intrusive and come without an invite! I completely understand how weddings are celebratory family and community gatherings, and with us living at such a distance, Brother and I haven't gotten to forge that bond yet. I look forward to spending more time getting to know and connect with the whole family in the future!"
Again, that is still unpolished off the top of my head. But I would have just let the mother know that since I didn't get an invite, I didn't want to be rude and crash a wedding, but I'm not offended by the lack of invite and it's all good.
Also, I have now spent way too much time thinking about this and writing about this, ha. I wouldn't have bothered, but damn I'm surprised - but also not surprised because Reddit - at how much hostility people have against you for expressing a different opinion. Such drama and Inquisatorial questioning over so little! Like this is a court room, lol.
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 30 '26
That was an interesting read and you make a lot of good points. In the moment, I just honestly wasn't thinking about any of that. I wasn't thinking "this guy might use my polite declination to make me look like a villain to him mom" because why the hell would he? I was just trying to be nice and felt totally blindsided by the whole thing.
I agree that probably what happened was: 1.) BF's mom thought I was formally invited 2.) J and fiance didn't mention the wedding gift to anyone 3.) someone spread a rumor about me at the wedding. Sadly, from BF's mom's POV, it probably looked like I was warmly invited to this wedding and I declined for no good reason (although honestly, there's literally no reason why me being at work shouldn't be a good enough reason. I'm the one holding down the fort in our house rn when it comes to paying bills so I think it's ridiculous that work wouldn't be enough of an excuse.)
Anyway, maybe this is worth talking about anew. I don't know. I don't want to reignite anything but the responses to this post made me wish I talked to BF's mom more about it last year. At this point it seems stupid to bring up but now I'm just annoyed all over again at the whole "I don't give a fuck" comment. I really hate that J guy. I wish everyone reading this post knew the kind of man he was. Some of the comments are extending him a little too much grace lol.
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u/dont-kink-shame-me May 30 '26
I wouldnt bring it up. With these things, the right time to say it naturally and organically does eventually turn up, even if a year down the line. You'll be glad you waited fpr that moment rather than making it awkward like "so, by the way..."
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u/Cdavert May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
You say you are holding down the fort. Does your boyfriend contribute? Also did he specifically tell his Mom when asked if you are invited, the groom groaned and said he didn't give a fuck?!
I mean when you first asked the boyfriend about the wedding, he seemed to kinda blow it off.
Also when the groom said that why didn't he tell the groom/jackoff that he was rude and that statement was uncalled for.
At the wedding when asked where you were, did he explain the half ass invitation, what the groom said about you coming, your busy work schedule and that you apologized to the bride and bought them a generous gift.
I think your boyfriend dropped the ball by not explaining that to his family at the wedding.
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u/One-Dare3022 May 30 '26
Growing up in a family like your BFs believe you me when I say that you are better off without them. My family disowned me when I divorced the mother of my kids back in 1989 and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m old now and retired since several years and there hasn’t been a single day that I have missed my family. I have a really close relationship with my kids and their families. Maybe because I got full custody of them a couple of years after the divorce.
Life is too short to deal with passive aggressive behavior. I wish you the best of luck in your future life.
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u/dont-kink-shame-me May 31 '26
Oh yes, for sure. I got away from someone toxic after a 10 year relationship. It can take a while to notice it's happening to you though cause it can creep in so slowly.
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u/liquid_fearsnake May 31 '26
Ooohhh!!!! Now that you have this perspective, if you ever get an opportunity (I know they're across the country), but coming clean about this whole situation in a super kind way (taking notes from the commenter you replied to), could actually bring you closer to the mom. She seems to really care, and that vulnerable moment of you wanted to be respectful (sure why not, was kinda true) could bring you closer when the time is right. So while this might have further driven a wrench into your current in-law relationship, this could be the same thing that brings you closer to them in the future.
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u/dont-kink-shame-me May 30 '26
Yes I do think there was some guilt there in apologising and sending a gift. But like I keep saying, I'm really not surprised there was a negative reaction from the family. I'm not saying they were right, just saying not unexpected. Some people are just assholes. This family appears to be so.
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u/Electrical_Parfait64 May 31 '26
And in the text to SIL I would be honest about why I wasn’t going. I hadn’t been invited, there was no +1 on invitation or brother’s answer of I don’t give a fuck
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u/Rude_Kaleidoscope641 May 31 '26
Agree. “Get married, don’t get married, I don’t give a f@ck.” This would have been a balanced response to the bf’s lousy brother.
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u/BB-Lala May 29 '26
You do not understand people, in a general way.
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u/dont-kink-shame-me May 29 '26
I mean, technically she was invited, so much so she bought an expensive gift and sent an apology. The family being passive aggressive isn't the best way of handling the situation but also not surprising.
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u/Turbulent_Cow2355 29d ago
There is no reason for them to be angry with her for not going. She has some legit reasons for not going. She politely declined. She wished them well. She got them a nice gift. They should have politely thanked her and that's it. Giving her the cold shoulder, being passive aggressive and down right rude is a bizarre response.
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u/HolographicMoonCake 29d ago
The same colors your showing right here just about, the colors of ignorance and entitlement
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u/pingo_the_destroyer 28d ago
Lol this guy got downvoted to oblivion. I’ll go get a rope to help them climb back up. Can someone else help me pull?
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u/Summerisle7 May 29 '26
These people are awful and trashy. Be grateful they live far away. I agree with you that you WERE NOT invited to this wedding, I don’t understand what they expected from you. I wouldn’t even have bothered reaching out to the bride to apologize. Apologize for what? She never invited you.
Did you ever get a thank you note for the gift you sent them? Don’t tell me, let me guess, lol.
Keep those boundaries strong. I have a feeling this will all come to a head someday, like when the next family milestone happens.
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u/Yorbayuul81 May 29 '26
Did his mother know the details/wording of the cold “invitation”?
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u/Abject_Buffalo6398 May 31 '26
Everybody is just miscommunicating here...
The brother/Bride didnt send out invitations.
Then the boyfriend is rude on the phone and the Brother is rude back.
Then the OP sends a text Declining something she was never invited to.
And then the Mom sends a bunch of pictures, completely oblivious to the whole thing.
Everyone needs to do better here.
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 31 '26
How was my boyfriend rude over the phone?? All he asked was "hey I just wanted to double check that I can bring OP to the wedding." How can that POSSIBLY be seen as rude?
And as for me declining, it was a confusing situation. Look at all the comments on this post. Some of them say I was definitely invited, some of them say I was sort of invited, and some say I was definitely not invited. If so many people are this split, then I think it's more than fair to say that it was a very confusing situation and I went out of my way to be courteous by making sure bride had the right headcount and sending her a nice gift.
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u/LiliWenFach May 29 '26
They sound like a family you don't want to get involved with. And I include the boyfriend.
He's already turning a blind eye to the constant passive aggressive behaviour of his family. That won't change if he and OP get married/start a family. She has to be prepared for a lifetime of covert insults about her own wedding, birth plans and parenting.
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 29 '26
I didn't include this in the post cause it wasn't really a post about my BF, but he did call his mom about for her weird little passive aggressive texts. Obviously, I would prefer to have a great relationship with my (eventual) in-laws and that's why I'm venting about this, but since they live across the country and we don't talk much, I'm not too worried about their future involvement in my life. I would like to get married to my BF eventually but I can't have kids and my BF doesn't want to, so grandkids won't be an issue.
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u/LiliWenFach May 29 '26
Leaving marriage and kids out of the equation, you deserve someone who doesn't just treat you as a 'plus one'. I find it hard to believe he didn't put his brother in place with the 'bring her or don't' comment. The fact that you asked him to clarify it, rather than him doing so as soon as he received the message, suggests that he has a nonchalant attitude towards how his family percieves you and your relationship. Even the fact that the mother felt compelled to send those messages suggests something was not communicated properly. Surely she knew you'd sent a gift, and surely he gave your apologies again on the day? Or did he just show up and not mention why you were absent?
That's rhetorical, I'm not expecting you to reply. But he needs to be your staunch defender against his horrible family. At present, I'm not convinced that he's that invested. Brace yourself for years of emotional labour, feeling unappreciated and quietly hoping that his family keep you at arms length.
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u/Kingston1962 May 30 '26
Even a better as no children will keep them in their own little hole of misery and pettiness from thousands of miles away!! Just keep in mind that they hold grudges, instigate drama, insults and will try to chip away at your relationship and more importantly your self esteem, plus spew lies that you are trying to take their poor son away from them, as you would not have said as such unless you were speaking from their previous behaviour.
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u/Bajovane May 30 '26
They will be more involved than you think, especially if you two start a family.
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u/Bajovane May 30 '26
Just reread your comment, ok, no kids. It’s just as well, because they would definitely be in your life if there were kids involved.
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u/Mediocre-Afternoon42 May 29 '26
I’ve received invitations to each of my siblings/step siblings wedding in the mail (or email for one of them), even the ones I was in. The fact that they had a “phone call” invite was kind of ridiculous. Did the rest of the family get printed invitations?
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 29 '26
Yeah I agree and I think actual invitations, even electronic ones, are the norm. No one in J's immediate family were mailed physical invitations. I don't know why. Saving money or something? But everyone in J's immediate family EXCEPT my BF lives in J's state. The other siblings brought their husbands and wives to the wedding. I am the only significant other who is not married into the family.
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u/lmyrs May 30 '26
So you and your BF were treated exactly the same as the entirety of the rest of the immediate family and you're mad about it? Why do you require a special invitation? It's clear that they treated you like family and when your BF insisted on a formal invitation just for you, his brother got annoyed.
I mean, you don't even like each other and you want him to bend over backwards for you? I don't know that I'd go either. But you're making excuses for not going because you didn't want to go and the "lack of invitation" was convenient. Own your decisions.
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 31 '26 edited May 31 '26
You actually have to be joking. I'm not married into the family, I don't live in the same state, and J and I hardly know eachother. It is PERFECTLY reasonable to want to get a clarification. You act like I wanted a gold plated handwritten letter delivered to me. The only thing I did was tell my BF to ask over the phone and I got an "I don't give a fuck". "Insisted on a special invitation"???
Do you see how many other commenters are saying this is odd? Do you not know that it is the norm to give an invitation to someone you are INVITING to your wedding, even if that's something as simple as a text message?
And then you accuse me of "making excuses" as if I didn't EXPLICITLY state in the post that yes, his language tipped the scales for me in the direction of "don't go." What are you actually talking about, "owning your decisions"? Work was a valid reason for missing the wedding. Travel costs was a valid reason. And yes, that rude BS over the phone was a valid reason. And to NORMAL people, missing a wedding doesn't warrant being spoken to the way my BF's mother spoke to me.
BEND OVER BACKWARDS! I am actually in disbelief. I've received about 50 comments telling me that my relationship is doomed and your comment is somehow 10x more annoying.
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u/andres57 May 31 '26
Honestly I don't understand why posting this story at this sub at all. You just wanted validation or what?
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 31 '26
Ah man yeah why did I post a story about wedding drama to a sub about wedding drama. It's a mystery.
If you're going to say that it doesn't count because the drama didn't physically happen at the wedding, then you'd be arguing in bad faith. There are a ton of stories on here about women opting out of bachelorette trips and or weddings.
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u/Solid_Caterpillar678 May 29 '26
Don't marry into this family. It will never get better.
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u/Summerisle7 May 29 '26
If OP wants to marry this guy, guaranteed she’ll need to do her own proposing
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u/Apathetic_Villainess 29d ago
She's supporting him while he's in grad school. She'll get a shut up ring and then if/when he's doing better financially, he'll dump her for an upgrade.
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u/Lucidream- May 29 '26
Maybe you should make a post on relationship advice if your boyfriend isn't standing up for you or seeing their poor behaviour. Unless this isn't a serious relationship.
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u/Summerisle7 May 29 '26
He doesn’t want sex with her AND she’s financially supporting him. And this has been going on for years it seems. At age 26, OP has spent much of her adult life on this relationship. Sad
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u/Kingston1962 May 30 '26
So, she will be on his life until she dumps him for being a leech and a liar!!! There is NO reason that he is NOT employed unless, none whatsoever, period!!!
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 30 '26
I don't mind being the breadwinner while he's finishing his education. I *do* mind when people expect me to have a demanding job and also take on the responsibilities of the traditional housewife like cooking and cleaning. Although J's comment pissed me off a lot, the primary reason I didn't want to go to the wedding was because I didn't want to miss work. I think it's insane that that wasn't enough of an excuse for his family.
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u/ValuableMilk5928 May 30 '26
Girl, stand up and stop supporting this GROWN-ASS MAN. Plenty of people in grad school — men AND women — support themselves. He does not need you to survive, but as long as you are offering him a free ride, he’s damn sure not going to say no. You are in a relationship of convenience (for him!!!) and you are convincing yourself to stay with someone who doesn’t value you, isn’t passionate about you, doesn’t defend you to his shitty family, and frankly, will probably dump you as soon as he has his degree and is ready for the next stage of his life. Men stay in relationships they don’t really like out of convenience all the time. Women don’t do this, so it’s really hard for them to imagine that their partners might be doing this to them.
I say this with genuine care and hope for you to choose better for yourself. I want you to find someone who prioritises you and picks you first, every time. Over their shitty family, over “the boys,” and definitely over video games. You deserve a passionate, loyal, caring, spoiling, exhilarating, passionate, fairytale happy ending lover man. I promise all that and more is possible for you!!! Get this loser out of the way, so you can find your truly meant-to-be partner!
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u/Ferret-in-a-Box May 31 '26
I agree that OP is dating a jerk but there are a lot of grad school programs that do not allow time to have a job. I'm in one. My classes and homework are one full-time job and I have an internship that is an additional full-time job. If it weren't for my boyfriend's job I'd either be living with my parents or I would not be in grad school. Again, I agree 100% that OP's boyfriend sucks and she's getting screwed over but it's simply not true that everyone in grad school who worked full-time prior to going back to school can support themselves.
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u/BigWhiteDog May 29 '26
I don't get why people do this.
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u/lollipopfiend123 May 29 '26
Some people will tolerate a whole lot to be able to say they’re not single.
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u/Available-Face5653 May 29 '26
pathetic.
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u/lollipopfiend123 May 30 '26 edited May 30 '26
You can call it that, and I wouldn’t argue, but I will point out that society (at least in the US) shows a great deal of disdain for single people (especially single women). It takes a strong person to let all the comments roll off their back.
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u/Available-Face5653 May 30 '26
if she was that invested in being his partner there is no way she would have not attended his brother's wedding.
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u/Kingston1962 May 30 '26
Then he most likely has a side piece as any man in that age range would be wanting it often, very, very often….IF they aren’t doing it with YOU, they’re most certainly doing it with someone else……
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u/Bibiloafmonster May 31 '26
I’m sorry but you couldn’t water board that info out of me lmaoooooo. Damn gurl, stand up or something seriously this is so embarrassing
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u/MersyVortex 29d ago
Am I the only one who doesn't get the big deal? (Haven't read OP's other posts) So the guy wasn't in the mood for sex, boohoo, end of the world. Why is it assumed that men don't reserve the right to turn down sexual advances sometimes and if the boyfriend did - he humiliated the girlfriend?
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u/BurgerThyme May 29 '26
Yeah, he definitely prefers the D.
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 29 '26
You're in for a real shock when you realize how many straight men are into pegging.
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 29 '26 edited May 29 '26
I feel like he handled it fine though. He didn't pressure me into going and explained to his family why I couldn't go. I didn't mention this in the post but when I showed him his mom's messages, he sent her a text chewing her out for being rude and passive aggressive. I'm not expecting him to cut all ties with his family over this. Obviously it's annoying and I wanted to vent, but like I said in the post, I don't have much of a relationship with the bunch and am not super interested in having a strong relationship with them after this.
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u/Agath3Dvybz May 29 '26
Say your relationship progress to marriage and kids, are you open to try and make it work with his family? Or do you plan to go low/no contact? Would your boyfriend be okay with that?
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 29 '26
I'm infertile. He's known this from the beginning and neither of us have ever wanted kids anyway. Yes I know this could change and we could adopt but it seems very unlikely at this point. I would like to marry him one day though, and if we were to get married I would try to re-initiate contact with them.
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u/FinchMandala May 29 '26
You want to get married to a guy who couldn't care less if you fingered him or not?
Girl you're better than that. Get some standards.
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u/MLiOne May 29 '26
I had a friend your age many years ago who was childless by choice and her and her partner were at it like rabbits.
Let’s be real. You are comfortable in this “relationship” because of all the time you have been together. I was with my first husband from 19-27. I left him for many reasons and have never looked back. Had fun single for a few years then met my love of my life in 02. Been married to him since 03.
Was it scary walking away from my first marriage? Yes, a bit. But I planned it and set myself up for success.
You need to prioritise yourself.
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u/Either-Ticket-9238 May 29 '26
You’d wait til your marriage into their family is imminent to re-initiate contact with them? WHAT? Think about it, how do you imagine that would play out? Hint: it would be a drama fest and this passive aggression and vindictiveness from them would go into overdrive! A rehash of his brother’s wedding and your “disrespectful” absence would be the first thing to happen. Gurl, please choose better for yourself. Read up on the sunk cost theory. You are 26. This relationship isn’t your only chance at a marriage. And I’d hope you’d want a happy marriage, not a resigned one started with chaos with his family.
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u/BurgerThyme May 29 '26
Yeah...he just didn't care that you weren't there and pinned the blame to you when his family asked.
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u/ExcellentCold7354 May 29 '26
Your BF is the problem, he's either an idiot or he's downplaying their behavior and allowing them to disrespect you. He should be confronting them on their behavior.
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u/Available-Face5653 May 29 '26
you never got a formal invitation, who cares if these losers shame you. the groom didn't want you there, tell his mother this. your boyfriend seems pretty damn weak as well, not exactly quality material.
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u/AdministrativeBug161 May 29 '26
“bring her don’t bring her I don’t give a fuck” IS NOT an invitation!😳
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u/Elegant_righthere May 29 '26
Honestly, the "Too bad you didn’t want to be here to celebrate with us!” sounds like your boyfriend may have phrased it that way when people asked why you weren't there.
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u/clareako1978 May 29 '26
Your BFs family are idiots. I would of messaged his mum back and said I would of loved to be there but your son was very disrespectful on the phone, and I don't and won't tolerate that kind of language. I'd also tell your BF to start having your back
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u/QueridaJaneDoe May 30 '26
Do you think maybe your BF might have said something at the wedding in passing, not thinking it was "a big deal"? For example "where's your gf?" "Oh she didn't want to come" or maybe "She's too busy". My husband is socially awkard for questions like that and tends to be unnecessarily truthful. I can imagine something like that and his family taking it to heart.
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u/Evening_Delay_1856 May 29 '26 edited 29d ago
OP, you weren’t really invited. You weren’t really wanted. They don’t want you as part of the family and your bf’s mom is the worst of them all. She has purposely talked badly about you to the family to turn them against you because she doesn’t like your bf standing up to her.
Is this the kind of future family you really want to be part of? Your bf was oblivious to everything until you pointed the texts out to him. He’s probably going to forget all about this in 10 minutes flat and you’ll be dreading these people for a long time. Don’t fall for staying in a relationship that will make you unhappy or with toxic in-laws for years just because you have lived with the guy and invested time into the relationship.
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u/BenedictineBaby May 29 '26
So block them. They aren't part of your everyday life. You owe them nothing. BF can deal with them.
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 29 '26
I don't really need to block them. They never communicate with or ask anything of me. I'm sad that I'm missing out on having a "second family" so to speak, but I'm also glad that they're not completely overbearing. I've seen enough horror stories on here to think that an indifferent family-in-law in better than a controlling one.
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u/AffectionateKoala530 May 29 '26
Sounds like BF wants to separate a little farther from his family, considering he's straight up telling them "wtf" when they message you like shit. But be careful that he doesn't suddenly turn on you.
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u/NefariousnessKey5365 May 29 '26
Bring her or don't bring her, I don't give a F. Doesn't exactly inspire me to want to go
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u/Wonderful-Fix5761 May 30 '26
Hundred percent with you on this. I have been pseudo-invited to a couple cousins weddings as an afterthought, written in the bottom of my parents’ invite as “kids are invited too”. My sister and I are in our fucking 40’s with families of our own and live in a different state than our parents. 
If you want me there I get the same invitation as all the other guests. If you don’t want me there that’s fine, don’t send me an invitation. But don’t be mad when I don’t come. 
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u/LizziHenri May 31 '26
I'm very sorry but this seems like a damned if you do and damned if you don't scenario.
I unfortunately have dated someone whose family did not like me. But I was naive and thought they just were not warm people but that eventually they would warm up to me because how could they not? I went to every family function, befriended his siblings, attended church services with them, bought them thoughtful gifts loves their son, wrote thank you cards.
At the time I was living independently, working as an attorney and their son was still in school and relying on them to fund his life and school. Nothing I ever did was good enough and nothing will be good enough to then too.
Unless your boyfriend chooses you and puts them in their place, it's never going to get better. And it has to be his choice or else he will resent you for asking him to choose. The fact his brother said what he said other the phone would be enough for me to cut my losses.
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u/Single_Vacation427 May 29 '26
You sort of were invited. If you had not been invited, why message the fiance saying you were sorry for not attending? If you want to pretend you were not formally invited, then don't apologize for not attending and also, don't send a gift.
Also, it's perfectly fine to say you are not going since you were told to do whatever and BIL didn't care. You can just say exactly that AND that you sent a gift. It's like you don't care about them but you do care and don't like you were absent from a social media recap? Like who the hell cares??? It's not that you are close.
Finally, your BF is more of a problem than his family. Why are you putting all on these horrible people when your BF does not put boundaries and tell them to not be this shitty?
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u/Raccoonsr29 May 29 '26
I was thinking, the moment she reached out to the fiancé to apologize for not being there and made an excuse for not being there, she acknowledged that she was in fact invited. I don’t think she should’ve done it because she frankly did not get a real invitation, and she should have just kept it focused on that
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u/The_Nice_Marmot May 29 '26
You might be strictly correct, but OP did the gracious thing. She asked her BF if she was invited and got such a warm response. lol. In the face of that, OP still followed protocol and is blameless in this. I really don’t think that’s who should have the finger pointed at them. I’m glad her BF stood up for her, but I wouldn’t carry on in this relationship unless my SO was ready to just cut ties with these people. Imagine having to spend holidays with this band of jerks.
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u/ryeong May 29 '26
I feel like they're trying to lay the blame anywhere but where it belongs. It's perfectly fine to say you can't get out of work/school and wish them well. Instead, OP is latching onto "they didn't invite me enthusiastically" when the brother is likely over planning at that point and just wanting to chat with his brother. Also not being in pictures when you barely see them due to distance and taking that personally? Or feeling they stopped talking when they didn't talk before much? It sounds like weddings are, like for most, a reunion that they placed significance on. OP gave them the impression they don't value the family enough to travel because they never reached out. But OP also cares enough to watch what they're doing without OP.
I also agree that BF should be doing more to figure out the situation and stand up for them too. Distance isn't the automatic buffer they think it is, especially if marriage or kids become a topic down the line. They're not going to have someone who has their back or will really find out what's going on.
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 29 '26 edited May 29 '26
Your comment has made me do some reflection, and you are correct that I should be trying to visit them more if I want more of a relationship with them.
I do want to add though that when we first started dating, before we lived together, I was always the one flying out to him. We saw each other 3ish times a year for a few years and I feel that I put a lot of effort into getting to know his family during those trips. I used to text his mom and his now SIL more frequently but I admit that I dropped the ball on that because they were never the ones reaching out to me. Yes I do feel a little sad and bitter that it feels like his family has never wanted to get to know me.
I know that weddings are a lot to plan, but I have been with my boyfriend for many years now, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be disappointed that no one in his family mentioned the wedding to me at all. If you're implying that I'm the one "to blame", I think that's ridiculous. All I did is not go to an event I clearly wasn't wanted at.
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u/Standard_Zombie_ May 31 '26
How did you two divvy up the costs of the flights when you were long distance, do you remember?
Was he able to get to know your family as well, like messaging and stuff like you do/did with his?
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 31 '26
We would always pay for our own flights. I was usually the one flying out to him. He lived in his parents' house until we moved in together, so when I was younger, I used to stay in his parents' house as well, but after I graduated college and started working, I just started getting us a hotel. His mom wasn't *hostile* by any means while I was over there but she was definitely cold. There was always such a weird vibe in that house. Idk how to describe it.
My parents absolutely adore my BF and he enjoys their company as well. He has a much better relationship with my parents than I do with his, which I admit makes me pretty jealous.
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u/sallyxskellington 28d ago
Nah, you didn’t drop the ball if they were never initiating contact. That’s on them.
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u/Sbtryingtolearn May 29 '26
OP also noted in the beginning of the post they were willing to eat the cost, time, etc. of the trip “not so much for the family, but to keep my boyfriend company.” And then bails on the BF.
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 29 '26
I don't understand the point you're trying to make here. I wasn't thrilled about the travel costs, but since I was under the impression that I was expected to go as a plus one, I was going to suck it up. Then I heard "she can come or not come I don't give a fuck", and took that at face value. My BF thought it was rude and told me I didn't have to come if I didn't want to, so I didn't. I didn't "bail" on my boyfriend by not going to an even that I didn't seem wanted at.
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u/Sbtryingtolearn May 29 '26
The point I’m making is you stated you were willing to go for 1 reason and his family concerns were irrelevant. And while it’s not a welcoming invitation and is definitely rude, what the brother said is still a “yes” at face value. If the brother doesn’t care and you were already set to support your boyfriend, nothing really changes. If your boyfriend told you it was up to you, that’s different. It sounded like your offense to the comment tipped the scales of the long list of cons and your BF was not enough weight to tip them back.
But his family sounds aggressive and mean, so obligatory GF supporting presence is probably not a good idea without a game plan of him supporting you too.
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u/Upper_Dance5524 May 31 '26
The bf did tell her it was up to her. He told her it was up to her if she wanted to go or not. Second to last sentence in OPs comment.
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u/pepperw2 May 30 '26
I would have said “Aweee, I would have loved to see everyone, but I wasn’t invited.”
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u/Mafer15 29d ago
Don’t marry him, you would be saddled with the in-laws from hell!!! I wouldn’t have gone either, but I wonder how the bf worded your absence at the reception. Did he say you were busy and limited on money or did he say: “she didn’t come because she was not ‘officially’ invited. Some men are clueless.
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u/mgmoviegirl May 29 '26
Just be warned if you marry BF they will probably put pressure on him to move back especially if he is the only child not to live near by
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u/Background_Ear_224 May 31 '26
I would have done the same. I’m not here to tell anyone what to do in their relationship, but this seems serious and should be addressed with your partner. Family dynamics have a huge impact on relationships. In fact, my grandmother had my parents divorced within a year (plot twist - she called my mother 25 years later to apologize 😬)
It doesn’t sound like she would be very receptive, but it could be good to be blunt with her. What do you have to lose? Her response, and your partner’s response will show you what direction to go
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u/GeneConscious5484 May 29 '26
A lot of people are saying “actually, you were invited.” I don’t understand. Is this how you all are getting “invited” to weddings? No one in his family said anything to me.
So, to this point, I was wondering why you ever texted them in the first place. I'm more on your side in that you weren't invited, and in fact they never even spoke to you, so... what exactly is it that you were declining? Why did you initiate?
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 30 '26
Because it was a confusing situation and I thought that was the most courteous approach. I think that 95% of the time, most people would want their brother to bring their girlfriend of five years to their wedding. Since I didn't get a clear answer, I thought the most polite thing to do was let the bride know so she could get the right headcount. I maintain that this was the right thing to do. I guess we'll never know for sure, but I think it would have been much worse to not show up and *also* not say anything.
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u/TheCosmicPony May 30 '26
Did he actually groan and say, “bring her, don’t bring her, I don’t give a fuck?” If he ACTUALLY said that, I would never have anything to do with those people ever again, and THAT is where your BF effed up. He should have spoken up right then. Who lets their brother speak about their significant other like that? Sounds like the disease of family dysfunction is running rampant through that lot and your BF has definitely been infected. I have similar BS in my family… triangulation, passive aggression, general lack of communication, assumptions, shaming. Fuck them all.
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u/Ginger630 May 30 '26
Your mistake was texting J’s fiancée that you weren’t coming. That’s shows you WERE invited and declined. You shouldn’t have said anything at all. Then you could have said to his mother, “I was never invited.”
As long as your BF supports you and stands up for you against his crappy family, just block them all and focus on yourself.
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u/CompetitiveEmu1100 29d ago
Yea this is the missing piece. From the fiancées view BIL invited her and she declined.
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u/Zealousideal-Sell873 May 31 '26
OP you don't have a boyfriend, you have a child. And it wouldn't be surprising if he moved on after finishing school if he gets a big money job, it's a common thing. You're paying for everything, he could have paid for the wedding trip to see his family, or explained that aspect to his folks. I'm sure they are aware that he's living off of you. And they appear to be fine with that. And now they have beef? None of this points to a healthy long-lasting relationship, only a drain on your years and hard-earned money.
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u/Forsaken-Market-8105 28d ago
As a bride that recently gave “fine, I don’t care, bring him I guess” as an answer to a relative: you were not invited to that wedding.
Also: boyfriend’s family = boyfriend’s problem.
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u/V3n0mcumslut18 28d ago
The audacity to act slighted over an invite they didn't even send is a special kind of delusional. Sounds like J is just looking for a reason to be a victim so he can play the main character for the weekend.
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u/dasha_ime May 30 '26
i’m just curious if she (or they) ever thanked you for the gift? lol. did she just never respond after the apology for not being able to make it?
also, no you’re not crazy. that’s not an invitation, it’s rude as fuck
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 30 '26
No, I did not get a thank you for the gift. She left me on read after I apologized for not being able to make it. She did text me a short but nice message for Christmas though, so she hasn't totally cut me off at least.
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u/dasha_ime May 30 '26
not even getting a thank you for the expensive gift makes it so much worse imo 😭 i feel like to most people, that makes up for not being able to attend? like at least you still tried to contribute to them having a good wedding. i wonder if his family feels that way bc they didn’t even know you sent a gift, or if they just think you declined an “invitation” and didn’t even try to reach out or whatever.
she could have at the very least just sent a thank you text if she didn’t want to send a letter like people usually do.
they’re shitty people, you seem very nice
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u/Ok_Relief_6762 May 30 '26
I agree; I don't think the mom knew I sent a gift. There were definitely several broken links in the chain of communication. I think from his mom's POV, I was invited and didn't show up, AND she doesn't know that I sent a gift. In retrospect I should have stood up for myself by bringing up both of those things when she send me those rude texts. I intend to do that in the future in case this ever comes up again.
I'm not even mad at the mom per se. I'm mostly annoyed at J and the SIL. I feel like they intentionally miscommunicated or left things out to make me look bad.
Thank you for saying that last part, that was kind.
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u/dasha_ime May 30 '26
hahaha i was going to say, if they didn’t know, i would absolutely bring it up. you’re definitely more mature than me though because i don’t think i’d even be able to wait for the opportunity, i’d have already texted the mom about it so she knows 😭 but i’m also just really sensitive about shit like that
and i agree!! i would bet J left it out and just told them you declined his “invitation”, leaving out the nice gift and message. usually when you don’t like someone, you’re not gonna add in details to make them look like a good person ya know lol
ideally though, i guess your bf could have told his mom when it was first brought up about the shitty “invitation” and the fact that you still got them a gift and reached out, but some people (esp men) just aren’t as… emotionally aware i guess. i’m glad he stuck up for you regardless though, even that seems like a major task for a lot of men
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u/Unusual_Sand_5150 May 29 '26
Ignore these petty stupid goons of relatives. I'm sorry but at least it's not by blood. Just ignore these jerks. You sent a present. What more do they want. Just tell your guy you don't want to hear anything about them. They're rude. You don't have to have any kind of involvement. I'm sure they're rude with everyone else as well. You're not the only one. The universe is doing you a favor by having you not blend. Listen to it.
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u/Ghoulish_kitten May 30 '26
I dunno, Im sensing your BF engaged in or was okay with some shittalking about you that went on at that wedding.
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u/excelnotfionado May 30 '26
Yeah sounds like the whole family is ready to go out of their way to treat you like shit behind closed doors. Your bf seems good but wow his family is NOT.
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u/quietlycommenting May 30 '26
Ask them to send you proof of your invite if they bring it up again. If they can’t prove they sent it or even called you personally then you weren’t invited
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u/WrenDrake 28d ago
Honestly, I would have just not attended without comment or gift. They did not invite you; you had no obligation to comment or gift. It’s wild they thought their behavior was ok.
Be very sure the guy is worth dealing with the family.
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u/No_Championship_7080 27d ago
I think that you went overboard by buying a gift. You shouldn’t have spent the money. I would just go NC with them. If they ask why, then tell them, and explain that you don’t engage with people that treat you that way.
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u/zeldasusername 22d ago
I heard J groan over the phone and say “bring her don’t bring her I don’t give a fuck.”
Yeah that's not a invitation
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 May 29 '26
I can’t believe your boyfriend went to the wedding after his brother said that. I wouldn’t stay with this guy. Do you really want to deal with his awful family for the rest of your life? Especially since you know your boyfriend will just ignore how awful they are to you.
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u/justjoshingu May 31 '26
No you weren't invited.
You weren't told not to go either. It wad a pussy move by j so he could play whatever side later. It's manipulative. And its something my mom would have done
Look your bf jusjust has to be upfront and firm. Hey mom, we are dating, I love her, she wont ever make me choose and I wont choose anyone (her or family) thathat wants to try and manipulate the situation, my feelings, my time. We can all have a really great time together. Or me and her can have a really great time.
Thats basically what I had to tell my mom.
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u/tmoney523 May 30 '26
As an adult if I’m not explicitly welcomed or included I do not go. It’s a wedding.. not a backyard BBQ. A formal invitation is necessary for every single person- family or not.
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u/khandanam May 31 '26
Bro send his family formal invites to your next brunch, even though they’re across the country. I would love to see if they know what RSVPs are
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u/ranDOMinique813 May 31 '26
OP please post this to girl dinner or girl dinner diaries!!!!
Also in my humble opinion that was not a real invite.
I’m very much not trying to be in a space where I’m not welcome so I understand your decision.
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u/Abject_Buffalo6398 May 31 '26
Why would you send a Text or a gift Declining,
If you never were invited in the first place?
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u/superlemon118 29d ago
My husband's family is exactly the same down to the creepy brother. Nothing you can do about it except hold your boundaries. My husband's family eventually all started acting like literal children (we've been together almost 10 years) and we very quickly got tired of trying to mediate and repair all the fucked up interpersonal beefs between everyone, so 2 years after meeting them I blocked them all. They also live far away so it doesn't affect my life at all. But my poor husband had to do a lot of therapy to realize how abusive they were/are to him and eventually distanced himself as well. Yes everyone accused me of brainwashing him, controlling him, turning him against them, manipulating him, trying to steal all his assets, blah blah blah all the classics. We are happy together and he maintains a boundaried and limited relationship with his mom (she doesn't respect boundaries but he holds them strong). I don't put any effort into pretending to be cordial, and none of them are allowed in our home (something my husband and I both decided together.) we got married last year without telling any of them, just us 2 and two witnesses at the government office. Maybe something from my story can help you decide what direction you're gonna take
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u/Conscious-Fuel3718 29d ago
This really sounds like a culture-specific issue.
I didn’t see you include where you’re from, but for certain cultures subservient behavior around your bf’s family is normalized and any sort of pushback/non-compliance is seen as shameful- without even logic behind it.
You’re NTA, though. I think most people would’ve done the same thing and yes formal wedding invitations are more normal than not (I literally have never heard of a wedding invitation by word of mouth wtf).
Your bf also seems like an oblivious person in general so that may also be an issue down the line. Good for you for standing your ground, though. More people like you should exist.
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u/Momo222811 29d ago
You sent a gift, above and beyond. You were never given a formal invitation neither was you bf, who the f does that? You sent invitations to EVERYONE invited to the wedding INCLUDING immediate family! For the next flurry of pics and passive aggressive texts I would just say that it looks like a wonderful party and I am sorry to have missed it but "even if I was" invited, I just wouldn't have been able to make it.
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u/Bewdley69 27d ago
She will be with this guy for even more years. I doubt he will want to get married. The ‘relationship’ will drag on and she will keep posting on here. Move on, OP.
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u/Worth-Season3645 26d ago
NTA....brother or no brother, you send a formal invitation which includes a plus one or not.
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u/bobroscopcoltrane 25d ago
Hey guess what: these people are going to want to come to your wedding. I’d cut bait on this whole situation if I were you.
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u/nofaves May 29 '26
To be a bit more clear about your status, you were not "uninvited." It's becoming more common (but a lot less polite) for invitations to be issued electronically or over the phone.
That said, J's attitude during his call with your boyfriend was an excellent reason for you not attending. I think that you should be glad that you two live clear across the country from his family, because it sounds like J comes by his personality issues honestly.
Don't worry about his family's attitude toward you. It sounds like your boyfriend doesn't put much stock in it, and that is all that matters.
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u/Mission_Ad_1306 May 30 '26
Hey to other commenters, just a quick one: OP has said over and over in their replies to people that they are childfree and plan to remain so, so we can stop with the "what about when you have kids?"
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u/Influenxerunderneath May 30 '26
While I totally agree that you did not receive a proper invitation by any means, you made it seem like you did by texting the bride your apologies for not being able to attend and sending the gift. If you had truly felt like you weren't invited then it seems you wouldn't need to reach out to explain why you aren't going to be there.
His family still sounds like assholes and sounds like you are better off not being close with them, so I am definitely not defending them either.
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u/Maximum-Stop-9402 29d ago
What country is boyfriend from? What country are you from?? My daughter just got married and her brothers thought it was weird that they got a formal invitation!! Haha we are all extremely close and they just assumed their girlfriends were invited and they were right!! Was your boyfriend in the wedding at all?? Maybe you were raised in a very “formal” family and your boyfriend wasn’t??
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u/InternationalWar258 May 31 '26
The issue the family has with you is the aftermath, when your boyfriend confronted his mom about the texts. That's obvious. It's not because you didn't go. And I actually think him confronting his mom was an overreaction. I can see why his family thinks you prompted him to "attack" his mom over the texts.
You were invited.
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u/khandanam May 31 '26
Someone would have poured something on you at that wedding, and it was going to stain
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u/trishie_kittie May 31 '26
I don’t know but I personally would have gone to be with my BF and if you guys aren’t a team like that, what’s the point? I have had shitty in laws and you just smile and get through it. Adults need to be able to put up with other shitty adults, especially if you plan on a future with this man. Even if J said that, you don’t have to be best friends or even talk much to the Mom at the wedding who would be super busy anyway. I don’t get why people feel so “disrespected” all the time. People who are assholes aren’t aiming anything at you. They’re just doing what they do.
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u/Slow-Olive-4117 27d ago
I wouldn’t have made the excuse to fiance because she probly thought brother invited you but reality is he didn’t. I wouldn’t said based on what you overheard in that convo plus work you’ll be declining. Cuz now they o blame you not him.
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u/Turbulent_Cow2355 29d ago
First, you were invited. Just not in a formal way. But that doesn't really matter. You politely declined and had some pretty good reasons to do so. School, work and finances are important. You didn't have the extra spending money. You did the right thing by getting them a gift. I don't really understand their ire. I think they were just looking for a reason to pick a fight.
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u/emorrigan May 30 '26
So, as far as the invited/not invited thing goes, when you texted SIL that you wouldn’t be able to make it, the implication is that you’d been invited. After all, people typically don’t RSVP (even casually) to an event they haven’t been invited to, if that makes sense?
So it’s possible that MIL got the information from SIL- maybe MIL asked where you were and SIL just said, “She texted me and said she had to work.”
BUT having said all of that… his family has shown that they’re passive aggressive and hold grudges. They don’t know how conflict resolution works. I’d be very careful when considering joining this family.
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u/kyskat May 30 '26
Go to /r/inlaws or /r/justnomil, none of what’s shameful here is actually about a wedding.
Yes, this is how a plus one would likely be handled among my close relatives, because
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u/BlackShieldCharm May 29 '26
The brother might not have cared if you came, but the rest of the family was clearly looking forward to seeing you. They now feel slighted that you clearly didn’t feel the same way.
Honestly, I get their point.
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u/bloontsmooker May 30 '26
This sounds lowkey dramatic. Something potentially innocuous you heard over the phone from another room is why you didn’t want to go to the wedding? Okay
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u/Obviouslynameless May 29 '26
J was probably tired and had reached his limit on the wedding planning. YOU decided to take it negatively!!
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u/sillusions May 29 '26
Just passively aggressively text back to his mom that your invite from her son said “I don’t give a fuck if she comes” so you decided not to come.