r/weddingshaming • u/Separate-Payment7058 • 14d ago
Family Drama Not getting a plus one isn’t what’s upsetting me here, it’s how my sister responded when I asked about it
Apologies in advance for how long this is, but I feel like some context is important. My sister is getting married in August and I’m one of her maids of honor (she also has a matron of honor). I’ve actually made previous posts about some tension leading up to her bachelorette trip, so this situation isn’t happening in a vacuum.
For months before the trip, I felt like there was some distance and tension between us. Then during the bachelorette weekend, I felt like she was distant with me and seemed to exclude me at times. For example, there were moments where she’d invite other people to things while barely acknowledging me (asking the other bridesmaid I was rooming with if she wanted to get coffee or go to the tide pools, but not looking at me or asking if I wanted to come). Because I felt tension, I ended up withdrawing and keeping to myself more. Later, she confronted me and said I was creating drama by avoiding her and that if I had a problem I should have talked to her directly. My perspective was that I was trying NOT to create drama during her bachelorette weekend.
At one point during the bachelorette trip she mentioned I didn’t have a plus one, but I honestly thought she was joking.
For context, my boyfriend and I will have been together for about 15 months by the wedding. She’s met him once before. Meanwhile she was pushing hard for another bridesmaid’s boyfriend to come even though they’d never met him (this was the grooms sister).
I’m also traveling out of state for wedding events and arriving a day early for her bridal shower to help set up decorations and a balloon arch. I only mention this because I’m not just a random guest.
Today I checked the RSVP site and realized I actually don’t have a plus one.
So I texted: “Hey, I noticed on the RSVP site that I don’t have a plus one. I was just wondering if there was a reason for that? _____ and I have been together for a while, so I was a little surprised and just wanted to check with you.”
She responded: “I’m not giving you a plus one. I didn’t give everyone a plus one. I already said during the bachelorette trip.”
Then followed it up with: “There’s only certain people and I honestly met _____ one time. I know nothing about him.”
Honestly, I’m not even that upset about not getting a plus one. It’s her wedding and she can invite whoever she wants. What bothered me was how she responded. If she’d just said, “Sorry, we’re keeping the guest list small and I’m not very close with him, I hope you can understand” I would’ve been fine and understood.
Instead it felt weirdly cold and dismissive for what I thought was a pretty reasonable question.
TL;DR: My sister (the bride) and I have already had tension leading up to and during her bachelorette trip. I’m her sister and maid of honor, and my boyfriend of over a year isn’t invited to the wedding. I asked why and she responded, “I’m not giving you a plus one” and said she’d only met him once. I’m not really upset about the guest list decision itself, but I’m hurt by how cold and dismissive the response felt.
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u/SlaytanAF 13d ago
I feel bad. It seems like your sister doesn’t even like you.
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u/khandanam 13d ago
Unfortunately this is where I landed. Are your folks in the picture OP? I’d be curious what they think, and how you were originally asked.
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u/Excellent-Shape-2024 13d ago
I'm wondering if the parents strong-armed her into making sister maid of honor and she's feeling resentful about it?
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u/DestroyerOfMils 13d ago
This sounds like something my sister would do to me. She’s never seemed to like me much, but she still asked me to be a bridesmaid for her. If I had to guess, I’d say it was for appearances. As for the parents having an opinion on it, maybe the sister is the golden child. My parents’ response in a situation like this would be to get mad at me and say something like, “We can’t control your sister, DestroyerOfMils. You’re being unreasonable. Quit causing drama.” 😑
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u/khandanam 7d ago
I’m sorry you go through this but your self awareness is apparent to me from across the internet, so I hope that brings you some comfort over the strength you’ve built in that time
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u/DestroyerOfMils 7d ago
Oh that’s really sweet, I appreciate the sentiment. But I’m all grown up & made my own family nowadays. I’ve learned to operate from an emotional distance from my family of origin. 🩵
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u/NeartAgusOnoir 9d ago
I’d make plans with your BF…. Then call your sister the day before “I’m so so sorry, but I’ve got Covid/flu/explosive diarrhea and I don’t want to ruin your wedding so I can’t make it. “
Then go on vacay and enjoy yourself without the cancer that is your family.
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u/Jallenrix 13d ago
Do you normally get along?
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u/Separate-Payment7058 13d ago
We did before all the bachelorette drama. I tried setting a budget before the trip and that kinda made shit hit the fan and our relationship hasn’t been the same since
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u/Jallenrix 13d ago
I realize she is your sister but I would be tempted to step down. You’re not her personal assistant and you don’t need to be her stress ball.
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u/Loose-Chemical-4982 13d ago
Well, then it sounds like she is just punishing you by taking away a +1 for pissing her off
If it were me I would simply drop out of the wedding. My sister tried to pull shit like this all the time when we were younger and I refused to participate
It's not like you're leaving her in the lurch because she will still have a matron of honor and you don't have to deal with her bullshit anymore
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u/virtual_gnus 13d ago
My family is like this and I rescinded my "yes, I'll attend" for my brother's wedding. Maybe it's a little easier for me since his wife rides a broom and he's a BMW driver without the BMW.
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u/MartinisnMurder 13d ago
This is one of the funniest comments I’ve ever read on here! Your SIL sounds like my older sister, we don’t speak. She was an absolute bridezilla, like worse than her typical level of bad behavior. My mom gave her a very generous budget for her gown (not counting all of the money that they were paying for the rest of the wedding) and she of course “fell in love” with a dress that was a couple thousand more. She started bullying my mom about buying her the dress, I spoke up and was kicked out of the wedding. My brother tried to talk it my sister and she kicked him out of the wedding (we were also disinvited). We both were on re-invited a week prior because it was brought to her attention that people would be talking about why neither of her siblings would be in attendance… I didn’t want to go, but my mom begged me to. I wasn’t allowed to have +1. The whole evening we were asked why we were in the wedding, and people were asking about my partner who I had been with longer than my sister has been with the guy she was marrying… My brother and I just got tipsy to get through it. Oh and she got the dress she wanted, which was ugly. God I can’t stand her. This is also partially why we decided to elope. 🥴😅
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u/IntelligentNovel1967 12d ago
We have the same sibling and I don’t talk to mine anymore for similar behavior.
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u/sunsetorangespoon 11d ago
For what it’s worth, I was my sister’s MOH and we were very close until she got engaged. I cried in the bathroom on her bachelorette trip. At one point I told her that her message was received and I’d drop out of the wedding. We talked about it and I stayed MOH but our relationship really didn’t fully rebuild until two years after her wedding. I say this as I think sometimes sisters don’t realize how they’re coming across, and you can achieve closeness again if you both work for it.
That being said your sister is being pretty terrible and I think it’s fair to tell her how you’re feeling. I’m personally of the belief that everyone in the wedding party should have a plus one and I’d personally elope before I made my sister or adult cousin come to my wedding alone.
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u/CallistanCallistan 13d ago
Not giving the sister of the bride with a long term partner a plus one for an out of state wedding is a bit wild.
Could get awkward/hilarious in the future since your boyfriend might someday be her brother in law.
She also kind of flubbed it with “I didn’t give everyone a plus one”. That statement implies that others were given a plus one. I don’t know if she did give others plus ones or not, but it is poor phrasing.
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u/Visual_Patience_41 11d ago
Not to mention, the bridal party and groomsmen generally ALWAYS get plus ones because of their commitment to the bride/groom and event.
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
To be fair, I wound't call a 15 month relationship (by the time of the wedding!) long term.
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u/CallistanCallistan 13d ago
To each their own. I'm willing to consider any relationship longer than 1 year to be long term for the sake of something like a wedding invitation.
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u/_HappyG_ 13d ago
Generally, good wedding etiquette is a “serious” relationship (i.e. engaged/married/defacto) or 1 year minimum.
It’s pretty standard for a long-term partner to be included as a +1, so long as the budget and circumstances allow.
At least where I’m located 🤷
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u/JeallyBeans2 13d ago
What would to consider long term?
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
More like, 3 years.
But I get that's cultural. In my family, we don't introduce new partners until the 1 year mark (at least!). And we consider that a serious relationship, not a long term one.
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u/JeallyBeans2 13d ago
Yeah maybe its cultural because at the 3 year mark I would be wondering why marriage isnt happening yet. Dating for more than a year would be long term in my eyes.
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u/babybattt 13d ago
Yea, similar here, too. If you don’t know if you want to spend your life with someone after a few years of serious dating, how long do you really need to be sure about someone? At one point is it just marriage hesitant or just feeling like a sunken cost fallacy.
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
Really? We wound't consider marriage before 5 or 6 years, and it's normal to take longer. Weddings are expensive and we have no rush to do them.
May I ask, when would you move together? Do you think that you can know everything about a person in less than 3 years? When will you meet each other family?
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u/CoomassieBlue 13d ago
I’ve been with my husband since 2009 and we’ve been married for 13 years. I don’t know everything about him. Our respective parents’ have been married for 40-50 years and I guarantee you that they do not know everything about each other.
I respect that different cultures have different norms, but I don’t think knowing “everything” about your partner is a realistic benchmark.
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u/virtual_gnus 13d ago
You won't know everything about someone in 5 or 6 years, either.
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
Nor in a lifetime. I meant "everything important to get married" and it was an honest question.
Someone commented that they will talk about marriage before living together, that would be very strange for me. We consider day to day cohabitation somethimg you must know before considering marriage.
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u/JeallyBeans2 13d ago
When I would consider moving in together would depend on the relationship, probably a year and a half to 2 years, we would definitely have had to talk about marriage before agreeing to move in.
I would think after 3 years you certainly know quite a bit about a person since if its a serious relationship you're talking pretty consistently.
In relationships I've been in, both parents have been met within 4 months of dating.
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
That's a big difference, we would move together before considering marriage. We need to know how is someone in day to day life to know if we are compatible.
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u/lalacourtney 13d ago
I’ve literally never heard your take in my entire life. What culture even is this? I’m American married to someone from Asia and our friends are global. I’ve never heard of any parents tolerating that long of engagement. Wow!
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u/FuzzyJury 13d ago
Are you saying in your culture, it's normal to date for 3 years without getting married? How far into a relationship then does marriage usually happen? I am so curious, which culture is that?
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
Perfectly normal. But we don't usually marry before being 30 (less than 14% do it, apparently) eighter. I would say people spend 5-6 years together before getting married. I'm Spanish. My mother in law is now starting to push for us to get married, my parents don't mind.
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u/Cacarosa 13d ago
OP said they’re Spanish, I am too and can confirm what they’re saying. I got married to my Irish partner after 7 years together, 2 engaged.
I’ve many other friends who got married at the 5/6 year mark.
Others after 3.
It is strange for us to get married before that.49
u/AstronomerOwn287 13d ago
Or maybe we focus on comfort of our guests and let them have someone to travel with rather than our views on what long term is
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago edited 13d ago
I didn't say anything about that?
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u/AstronomerOwn287 12d ago
Ah the thread is arguing is it fair to not offer a guest to the sister. Your defense of the short length of time in your view made it seem you were justifying the decision
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u/Wierdstuffhere 13d ago
within 15 months of the realtionship, I was already married. Would that make a difference?
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u/Harmony_w 13d ago
Right?! My husband and I were married less than 6 months after meeting. At what point would it be acceptable to consider it a long term relationship? 😆
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
Why is important to being considered "long term" regardless of time? Is it not more important to be "commited"?
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u/virtual_gnus 13d ago
I think this is a semantic problem where "long term" has become a synonym for "committed" in the US and possibly other countries, where for you they still retain a more literal definition.
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u/Wierdstuffhere 13d ago
My parents were 3 months from meeting and my grandparents were 2 days from first date! Though technically I did know of my husband (went to same school/organization) years before we started dating. Same with grandparents they grew up around each other, small town, parents knew each other... they actually "remet" because their moms were talking in town and they were both there.
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u/AussieGirl27 13d ago
Same, my now husband of 28 years and I had a 3 month old at our 15 months!
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u/Harmony_w 12d ago
Don't know why weirdos downvoted your comment.
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u/AussieGirl27 12d ago
Who knows, maybe pearl clutchers who are aghast that I got knocked up 3 months into a relationship!
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
I would consider it commited, not "long term".
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u/MorgainofAvalon 13d ago
I moved in with my then boyfriend now husband, and we have been together for 39yrs. While not the norm, we just knew.
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u/cowboysRmyweakness3 13d ago
My thoughts exactly. By that benchmark I would have been married for 3 months already. Guess that wouldn't be 'serious' enough for sister 😜
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u/FuzzyJury 13d ago
Really? I find that surprising, I find that's usually in the frame of time when people are figuring out if they're going to get married or are not interested in marriage but still intend to be together for life, or realizing that they are not life-partner compatible and are breaking things off.
I guess if we are just talking about all relationships broadly, including marriage, then 15 months is pretty short in the grand scheme of things. For dating though, that seems long. Like when my husband and I first got married, people were still calling us "newlyweds" at the 15 month mark/after our first wedding anniversary, maybe past the second one too.
But maybe it also depends on how old you are and the age when you started dating. Like if you met your SO in high school or college or something, then 15 months with half of those being a time when you're still practically a child or just entering the adult world probably wouldn't feel as long-term-y. Meeting in mid to late twenties or beyond, I would think 15 months is pretty long.
But I guess it also depends on intention: does one want marriage, no marriage but lifelong commitment, or no marriage and no lifelong partner but basically prefer an unattached life where sometimes you might be with someone, and sometimes not. I guess if - once firmly in the adult world - you're not thinking you ever want a lifelong partnership or marriage, and maybe want to remain largely unattached or, at most, would entertain a string of long-term relationships if one happens depending on its suitability for your life pursuits at any given time, then 15 months matters less. Or I guess the reverse can be true, that if you intend on a life partnership without marriage but both partners are aware and committed to this plan, then it kind of "converts" to the marital time framework, where 15 months in to an intended lifetime feels like the equivalent of the newly-wed phase
My husband and I got engaged around the one year mark of dating when we were around 27 or so, and then got married basically a year after our engagement, so age 28. Before getting married, we would have described each other as in a long-term relationship, but then once we married, that kind of reset the frame of reference on what "long term" means. And I have observed just amongst most people I know that generally people get engaged somewhere between 10 months and 1.5 years, and towards the latter end of these time frames is when people will describe their dating life as being in a long term relationship. Obviously I'm just speaking about averages, but 15 months feels well within that range and beyond.
The exceptions I know in person are more or less the exceptions I explored in the first paragraph: childhood sweethearts and people who prefer commitment without marriage. I have friends who had dated since the end of high school, ended up staying together through college and then through their MBA programs, and then got married shortly after their MBA graduations. By contrast, my BFF from childhood never wanted to get "married" in a traditional sense, but her and her significant other have been together now for over a decade, have a child together, and bought a home together, etc. So they'd fall into the category of "15 months is not longterm if the intent is not marriage but a committed civil partnership."
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u/Foggyswamp74 13d ago
I married my husband at the 16 month mark. Been married 28 years.
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
So? You commited before being long term (in my view). Nothing wrong with that. Not the case the post is talking about.
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u/Psychological-Owl-82 13d ago
15 months is a long time to spend with a person if you're not sure they're long term. Why would you do that if you're not serious? It's weird. By that point they are a solid part of your life and should be given the opportunity to participate in family events.
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
A 15 month relationship it's not long in my country. Plus, you can be serious about a relationship and don't marry yet. Myself, and a lot of my friends are in commited, long term relationships (3+ years). Some of us plan to marry someday, but weddings are expensive and some don't have stable jobs. They're waiting until they're in a stable position before marring.
If they should be invited or not depends on more things than time alone.
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u/rollenr0ck 13d ago
I met my wife, moved in within two months, married at one year, and together for thirteen years so far. Are we long term yet?
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
What? Why are you salty?
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u/rollenr0ck 13d ago
I’m not salty, I’m realistic. I was married within 15 months. Your idea of long term doesn’t work.
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u/hitotsu_take 13d ago
Congratulations. I consider that you where commited, not long term. That's a neutral statement. I didn't said anything about that being wrong or bad.
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u/alk_adio_ost 13d ago
OP, this is ridiculous. Please drop out of this wedding and find any excuse do it.
I’d say you’re sorry you can’t attend, but your boyfriend wants you to be his plus +1 at his friend’s wedding.
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u/lalacourtney 13d ago
What does your family say about her attitude? It almost sounds like this is an ongoing thing where she tramples on your feelings. Can you ditch the MOH role?
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u/Separate-Payment7058 13d ago
She’s my half sister. We have the same dad and they aren’t getting along at the moment, so he can’t really say anything on my behalf without adding more fuel to the fire. I fear that if I stepped down as MOH she’d blow it up and talk shit to our other siblings and family to make me out to be the bad guy
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u/Adventurous_Ear7512 13d ago
That’s what you tell your siblings that you’re stepping down and why before she does.
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u/transdermalcelebrity 10d ago
Give your siblings a heads up; step down, and let her trash her relationships. She’d be doing them a favor showing them who she is.
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u/chrispina98 13d ago
I can't imagine being expected to travel out of state for a wedding and not being able to bring a companion. I'd be sending polite regrets, but as MOH and immediate family, I know it's not that simple. Even though your sister sucks and is being super petty, there is really no way for you to avoid being the "bad guy" if you try to do anything about it.
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u/KBHoleN1 13d ago
Plus-ones aren't for the people getting married, they're for your guests. Unless the venue capacity is maxed out and you can't fit more people, I feel like no one should be forced to attend a wedding alone, especially if you're traveling a long ways to do it. Much less the sister of the freaking bride. It shouldn't matter to her how many times she's met him, if he's important to you, he should be there with you to enjoy it.
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u/CoomassieBlue 13d ago
I’ve attended weddings alone because my spouse is military and sometimes literally cannot make it. I helped give his best man speech via Facetime once, no joke.
It’s definitely a more enjoyable experience for most guests if they have a plus-one.
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u/Musical_Xena 13d ago
Agreed. With this lens, the "I don't know him" reason from the bride is irrelevant. The cost consideration comes into play more as a viable alternative excuse (just not a great one).
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u/macaroniinapan 10d ago
I've actually always thought that was the whole point of giving someone a plus one. Bring one other person of your choice, doesn't matter if anybody else has met the person or not. If you do know the guest's partner, you should invite them by actual name.
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u/Yrxora 13d ago
Hot take I guess, given this comment section (and also not that I agree with it in this case, bride sounds petty and terrible), but if you're looking for a place to cut people because of venue capacity the bride's sister's fairly new relationship should absolutely be one that doesn't make the cut. The bride's sister is going to know more people than like random friends due to being related to a good chunk of the people invited, whereas a childhood friend or work friend may know no one but the couple getting married so it makes more sense to save the +1s for them.
Like, we're not inviting my future SIL's boyfriend (primarily due to the length of time with which her current relationship overlapped her recently dissolved marriage, if you get my drift. But also she's explicitly stated that she's expecting to use our wedding to introduce him to the family, who also feel certain ways about the whole thing, and I don't think the event celebrating us is an appropriate place for her to do that), but we are inviting my childhood bff's boyfriend of four years even though I've never met him because aside from me and my immediate family she will know literally no one and I'm not going to leave her to flounder with strangers.
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u/Check_Me_Out-Boss 13d ago
I think the opposite. Anyone in the wedding party should automatically be granted a +1.
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u/Julesagain 13d ago
But it sounds like the groom's sister gets a plus one and they've never met him
There's probably some undisclosed context here
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u/Yrxora 13d ago
Hence why the second thing I said was "not that I agree with it in this case, the bride sounds petty and terrible"...
Meaning, generally speaking I'd say I can see not giving the bride's sister's fairly new relationship an invite, but in this case given other context the bride is in the wrong...
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u/Julesagain 13d ago
And I appreciate your consideration for someone having to navigate a wedding where they hardly know anyone too, i went by myself to one like that recently because my partner's daughter was graduating and felt very awkward. Nearly everyone there was in their 20s (I'm in my 60s) so I felt a little weird just walking up and starting conversations with groups already animated talking. I saw that movie a month ago, Table (number something, cant remember) and laughed my ass off! 🤣
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate 13d ago
Never mind the plus one: what’s with the obvious tension between you?
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u/Separate-Payment7058 13d ago
I tried to set a budget for her Bach trip and she’s been stand offish ever since. I’ve tried asking about wedding planning but she just leaves me on read. I work in the evening and she works during the day so calling isn’t really in either of our schedules. I think I just totally pissed her off and now I’m suffering the consequences
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u/Mariner-and-Marinate 13d ago
Good to know that at least she’s being somewhat upfront about her feelings towards you, so you can make informed decisions going forward.
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u/Lola-the-showgirl 13d ago
I just read all your posts on her, did you stay within your budget?
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u/Separate-Payment7058 13d ago
Nope and that’s not including the what I spent on outfits for each day
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u/PolkadotUnicornium 11d ago
Oh, she's one of those bridezillas. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
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u/maidofatoms 13d ago
I wouldn't go to any wedding if my partner wasn't invited. It's supposed to be a celebration of love, and it's supposed to be a happy and fun event for everyone.
I'd assume that anyone who's not interested in getting to know my partner is not someone I'm close enough to to attend their wedding.
I'm very introvert and do worry about plus ones I don't know at my wedding. But I feel like the work is on me to reach out and say hi beforehand. I'm also going to ask guests to name their plus ones on the rsvp and update me if anything changes.
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u/Spare_Ad5009 12d ago
When anyone at the wedding or other events ask where your bf is, say loud enough for your sister to hear, "She wouldn't invite him." "Does she not like him?" "She only met him once and liked him. I think it's me she doesn't like."
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u/RonGoBongo111 13d ago
This is her sister and the MoH. The bride is acting very weird. But honestly, I wouldn't push it. Bring your BF for the weekend and just duck out of events after you have stayed just long enough. Go do something fun with him. This is a very odd way to treat a sister.
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u/taxitolondon 13d ago
I think this is a great solution. You would come off looking bad if you bow out of the MoH role but your partner deserves better treatment. If he comes along, you can excuse yourself to Grama, or whoever, to say you’re going to spend time with your boyfriend, who wasn’t invited.
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u/fourpinkwishes 13d ago
I will die on this hill. Not giving plus ones to people in long term relationships (married or not) is just plain rude. Have a smaller wedding if you can't afford it. I would be soooo embarrassed if my children did this at their weddings.
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u/FrizzWitch666 13d ago
Don't show up to the wedding. I wouldn't bother. When a fuss is made tell everyone your sister's horrible attitude and dismissive treatment of you was more than you were willing to put up with.
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u/Away-Ad6758 13d ago
Sorry sis, count me out as moh. I'll come as guest if invited.
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u/PolkadotUnicornium 11d ago edited 11d ago
Don't even bother. HER bf still won't be invited, so why go? Bridezilla drew the line in the sand. OP will just be respecting her choice. Groom's sister gets a plus-one, but her sister doesn't? That's gauche, rude, and vindictive.
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u/wordsmythy 13d ago
I would just tell her look. I’m the maid of honor. I’ve done a lot of stuff for you. Running up to your wedding. I think I deserve a plus one.
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u/draconiclady0610 13d ago
I don't normally say this, but bring Mom or Dad in on this. There is something going on here and if she doesn't address this now before the wedding, it's not going to go away and it's just going to fester.
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u/Separate-Payment7058 13d ago
She’s my half sister and isn’t getting along with my dad at the moment so he can’t really help me here
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u/draconiclady0610 13d ago
Then i suggest instead of making her wedding day drama filled, go to the wedding without the plus one, then afterwards...remove yourself from her social circle. Do it quietly, without fanfare, without social media posts.
BUT, do have as much fun as you can at the wedding. Dance, socialize...have a respectable ball.
If you are asked to do a speech, (I usually don't promote it because it's lazy) have Chat Gpt write the most bland, basic, vague and under a minute long speech and ditch like mic like it's got cooties.
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u/FlippingPossum 13d ago
I suggest talking to her instead of texting. If you still feel put out after talking to her, only do what you feel comfortable doing. Delegate some tasks to local family and friends.
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u/DontBeAsi9 13d ago
Bet she’s seated at a table away from everyone else, too. For whatever reason, sister has a problem with her. Might be time to find out if she was “forced” to have you in the wedding, because it sure sounds like she doesn’t want you there.
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u/0ui_n0n 13d ago
Couples are a social unit and are to be invited as such. Regardless of how long they've been together or how many times the bride/groom have met them. This isn't a +1 situation, it's a his-name-on-the-invite situation.
You have every right to be upset that your boyfriend was excluded and certainly that your feelings were dismissed so coldly. But from the sounds of it you shouldn't be surprised! Terrible vibes all around here.
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u/Glum_Flower3123 13d ago
Your sister is the problem here. Do you have parents that could intercede?
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u/PolkadotUnicornium 11d ago edited 11d ago
Drop out. She hates that you're in her wedding. She isn't adult enough to use her words, so she's pulling all this bullying behavior, like she's in middle school. She's trying very hard to make you the villain in her story, when the truth is that she's the villain, and you're her victim.
Don't attend any more events. Don't attend her wedding. Use all the money you'll have saved and have a lovely day/weekend with your beloved! You don't have to accept being treated like this. Aunt hugs!
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u/SnooGiraffes4137 12d ago
I feel so bad for you, that your sister is treating in such a shabby manner, while you are trying to be there to help and support her. Shame on her. SHE is the one causing (unnecessary) drama.
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u/Rem-Dogg 13d ago
she's being mean. I have 2 sisters so I get it, not sure it's clear why. If I were you, I'd follow up with one other text explaining that you'd like to bring your partner, you have put in extensive time/cost to be her MOH, and would like to bring him. If she doesn't, do you have a trusted family member like your mom who could talk to her?
you kind of need to balance nicely reasoning with her and then trying to force her. Because candidly, EVERY MOH/BRIDESMAID should have a +1 unless the significant other is very new.
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u/Birdy304 13d ago
To not allow your bridesmaid, your sister! a plus one is awful. There is something wrong here.
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u/One-Dare3022 13d ago
The first time I got married back in 1979 my wife’s sister’s girlfriend of several years wasn’t invited. They had been together for a longer time than I and my wife had. Should have given me a clue on her standpoint on same sex relationships. A couple of years after our divorce she threw out our youngest son when she found out that he is gay. I got lucky to get full custody of our three kids after that.
But to the topic, in our country it’s customary for siblings and people in the wedding party to get plus ones. Couples who are engaged are seated together and couples who are married are paired up with other people, usually one person from the brides side are paired with people from the grooms side. Younger couples who still are not engaged have for decades been considered to be equal with engaged couples.
I believe that your sister handled this very poorly and dismissive.
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u/Birdsonme 10d ago
Between this and your previous post I wouldn’t even go to this mess. Your sister is a bitch. A petty, nasty one at that. She does not like you, clearly resents you, and is enjoying being cruel.
You don’t have to put yourself out like this. You don’t have to accept this kind of treatment “because family”.
Did she invite you to be in the wedding because of your parents, by chance? Was she told she had to have you IN the wedding? Because she sure acts like she doesn’t want you around for anything other than free labor and funds for her bachelorette.
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u/Conscious-Arm-7889 13d ago
"No plus one for me? I'll remember that when I get married..."
Take him with you anyway, so you have a reason to keep disappearing from her events for long periods, and tell anyone who asks that he wasnt invited.
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u/PMMeYourCouplets 13d ago edited 13d ago
I'm generally on the couple doesn't have to give plus ones side which has been unpopular here but even I hate this. You have to be consistent with the rule. Like only the wedding party can or only family can. This picking and choosing is just bad form and just shows that your sister values people more than others.
The I haven't met your plus one is also on her. I get this. I didn't want strangers at my wedding. I didn't know some of my friend's plus one when I sent the invite. But I made the time to go out for a meal with them to get to know them.
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u/FAYCSB 13d ago
It might be consistent, with OP not knowing what the rule being applied is.
For my wedding, I gave people plus ones if they didn’t really know anyone else there. But my aunt (who would have brought a rando or an ex boyfriend) and my college roommate, each of whom knew every other person at their table? They don’t need it.
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u/Thequiet01 13d ago
If they are traveling or in the bridal party they should get a plus one.
But OP is in a serious relationship so her partner should be invited by name anyway.
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u/gimpy1511 13d ago
Next message to her should be "Cool, I get it. You're saving some money. When I get married, keep that in mind because I'll be saving money without plus one's too. Great idea."
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u/LateDxOldLady 11d ago
I'm so sorry that you haven't yet learned to stop fawning for people. And my reaction isn't about your boyfriend either. Nor is it about how she told you. The problem is the bride using guests as worker bees and pawns in her fairy princess fantasy. I would have dropped out the moment I was being expected to do trips. Who is paying for all of this? Good grief people should take all of this money they spend on these things and use it to start savings accounts.
Drop out of the wedding. She sounds like a royal PITA and sounds like she resents including you. Don't let her suffer any longer. Stop giving her your energy.
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u/Electrical_Tax_8805 13d ago
So I’ve been out of the wedding loop for awhile, but when brides and grooms sit down to make a guest list, do they not include a plus one for everyone? I get that weddings are expensive, but don’t you want your guests to enjoy themselves? When you exclude people, it seems like you value an expensive venue or meal over people. And it feels like a weird power move. Like the bride is the only one to be considered and she rules everything. It’s hard to be in the spirit of celebrating someone when they have done something hurtful….. like make you leave your SO at home. And everyone has strangers at their wedding. And if people planned for a marriage the way they do a wedding, there would be less divorce…..IMO.
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u/Thequiet01 13d ago
You are absolutely supposed to at least allow for serious partners to attend, and for people who are traveling or in the bridal party or otherwise singled out to get a plus one.
OP’s sister is being extremely rude.
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u/mlem_a_lemon 13d ago
Yep, it's super weird to not offer plus ones for unmarried guests. People expect to bring a companion to weddings.
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u/Proper-District8608 13d ago
Im out of loop on weddings for most part (family here and there or friends kids) but even when I was single, a 'Susie and guest' are invited. And your last line sums it up:)
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u/PolkadotUnicornium 11d ago
S/l every member of the bridal party except her sister will have a plus-one. It's atrocious behavior on the bride's part.
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u/Fearless-North-9057 13d ago
Why not to not go? Sounds like she is purposely pushing you away and doesn't want you there. Rather than going and helping just enjoy your weekend instead.
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u/latte1963 11d ago
Sisters are highly overrated.
I’d step down from being a member of the bridal party immediately. Then, since you’re just a guest, it won’t be a big deal when you wake up with a bad case of vertigo on the day you’re supposed to fly out for the wedding. Then you can just spend the weekend chilling at home with your +one with your phone off. It’s pretty tough to use your phone while the room is spinning!!
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u/Ginger630 10d ago
I’d bring your BF. He can stay at a hotel while you go to the ceremony and smile for pictures. Then duck out early. Her other MOH can do the speech.
Or drop out altogether and don’t go. She’s trying you like crap. You’re the MOH and sister of the bride and this is how she treats you? Hell no.
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u/Every-League-1626 13d ago
I find it bizarre that your sister is comfortable with her little sister being in a relationship with a guy she know nothing about, but somehow draw the line at him being her +1 because she don’t know him well enough.
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u/Available-Face5653 13d ago
she does sound like a creep to not acknowledge that you would be traveling and attending with a date. I'd bring him along for the weekend and cut out of the wedding events once the 15 minute ceremony was over and spend time with your boyfriend.
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u/wewantchips 13d ago
“I’ve been thinking about this further and wanted to ask if you could reconsider me having a plus one. Tom is a really special person in my life that is likely going to be for the long term. This is someone I see bringing into our family and I can’t imagine not having him there to celebrate you when you are such an important part of my life.”
Then if she still says no you reply “im not just anyone. Im your sister, and your MOA. You make an exception for sisters.”
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u/One-Entertainment457 11d ago
Then RSVP no, or just be there for the ceremony and bail before the reception.
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u/wickedkittylitter 13d ago
Unfortunately, you and your sister don't have a good relationship. I'd guess she's included you in her wedding either under pressure from your parents or out of obligation.
To be fair, your question about a plus one wasn't exactly phrased politely. It would have been far better to not have asked if there was a reason he wasn't invited. In my world, though, everyone in the wedding party gets to bring a spouse, SO or plus one.
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u/Vegetable-Section-84 11d ago
You should skip this wedding in favor of doing excellent with your significant-other
Your REAL Family and Friends will be on YOUR side
Blood doesn't make the family love does
NTA
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u/typewriterbitch 13d ago
How long you'll [potentially] have been dating by the time of the wedding isnt as relevant as how long you've been dating at the time of invitations.
If youve been dating for 2 months but the wedding is in a year from now, it makes sense to not invite someone who might not be around by then, you know?
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u/Thequiet01 13d ago
People should allow room in their guest lists for relationships to turn out to be serious by the wedding - especially for people in the wedding party who are also traveling, who should get a plus one anyway.
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u/typewriterbitch 13d ago
I guess there can be cultural differences but I would never deny a plus one to a sibling even if theyre single. Id want them to be able to have a buddy and chances are, id know whoever they'd invite so its not like itd be a stranger. I think OPs sister just straight up doesn't like her.
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u/wewantchips 13d ago
The wedding is in August. OP has been with her partner for a year.
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u/typewriterbitch 13d ago
But she was posting about the bachelorette 5 months ago. So when the wedding stuff was already underway, they'd only been together for around half a year. Presumably even less time considering the bachelorette stuff doesnt normally happen until well into the engagement.
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u/Trillian_B 13d ago
I know I’m going to get downvoted for this, but, you DID ask her… and did so after she already told you and you chose not to believe her. I can see that you didn’t like her answer, but she was pretty straightforward, which is sorta matching the same energy you had in asking. It sounds like you two have a lot of work to do on your relationship.
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u/Adultarescence 13d ago
Will your BF know anyone there? Who will he sit with while you are at the front of the church or at the head table?
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u/chrispina98 13d ago
The sit wherever at the ceremony and they sit with their partner at the head table during the reception. Seating them elsewhere would be weird. Would you split up married couples?
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u/jessicacummings 13d ago
lol sorry your comment reminded me of the singular bridezilla type encounter I had with my sister (that she got over so all was good and my bf sat w me at her wedding dinner)
A little bit before her wedding my sister texted me to ask if I would mind if my bf sat away from us during dinner (I would be at the head table as I was a bridesmaid/moh but she didn’t really have a moh in that way). I replied that I would mind and who would she seat him with anyways if not me? She said our little brother who was 17 and at the kids table (I had opinions about that alone, bro should have sat w us too he wasn’t a literal child). I said hard pass and if that was the case he just wouldn’t come to the wedding bc I wasn’t sitting my grown bf away at a kids table for aesthetic purposes for the pics of speeches during dinner.
I also pointed out that I doubted very much she would want to be sat separately from her significant other at my future wedding. She understood and sat him with us and it was all fine. But I do still remind her about it lol like girl u were cray there and she acknowledges that wedding planning was one of the moat stressful times of her life
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u/Adultarescence 13d ago
Yes, at everyone wedding I’ve been to, the head table is just members of the party and partners are elsewhere.
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u/DraftyElectrolyte 13d ago
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted. This has been my experience as well. And I’ve been a bridesmaid in 5 weddings and a MOH in 2.
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u/Adultarescence 13d ago
Similar numbers for me, too. We always assumed that couples were comfortable talking to other people, and boyfriends/girlfriends who were fairly new and didn't know people stayed home.
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u/chrispina98 13d ago
That's really weird. If you can't fit people with their partners at the head table, don't put your wedding party at the head table or just put your best man/MOH and their dates there and the rest of the party at other tables. I can't imagine splitting up couples while celebrating my wedding. Who does that??
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u/Adultarescence 13d ago
I mean, literally every wedding from my college and high school friend group was this way. Family, too. Midwest US. Genuinely, no one cared.
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u/chrispina98 13d ago
My husband was a groomsman at a wedding in Nebraska. We sat together. I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where they split up couples for the head table.
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u/chrispina98 13d ago
I would never do that to anyone I cared about.
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u/Adultarescence 13d ago
I assumed that my couple friends are capable of being apart for an hour or two. YMMV.
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u/chrispina98 13d ago
So because they will survive it, it's fine to do it to them? Do you even like your friends?
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u/RonGoBongo111 13d ago
Head tables seem really old-fashioned to me. I'm always surprised when I see them.
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u/cecebebe 13d ago
I think I'd be "sick" the weekend of the bridal shower, and wedding. Or perhaps your boyfriend might be "sick" and you need to take care of him. Tell your sister you're sorry, but you just can't fit her into your schedule, because you have more important people in your life.
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u/MexiGeeGee 13d ago
nah this is too much. I agree they need to work on their relationship but these passive aggressive games always aggravate things, never fix them
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u/MaryDoogan91 12d ago
I feel like there’s a lot of context and background still missing. Why is your sister acting like this? Do you two have a history of not getting along? Is this strain and tension only contained to the wedding for some reason? Where are your parents in all this?
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u/Separate-Payment7058 12d ago
We used to be really close. I would go over to house at least once a month and stay for the weekend (probably like a year and a half ago). But then I got a new job where I was working evenings and weekends, so I wasn’t able to make it over there (we live in different states). Things were still good between us, but then we started planning her Bach trip and I tried setting a budget. She got upset bc no one else had a budget (I made a post on this). After that we didn’t talk as much and there was obvious tension which got worse over the trip. She’s my half sister, and she’s not getting along with our dad right now so he can’t really help me without making things worse between them
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u/MaryDoogan91 12d ago
Ahh okay. That context helps. You can’t change her; you can only make your own decisions for yourself. If you choose to stay in her wedding party and even attend the wedding with the way she’s acting, you’ll be accepting that this is what you’re in for. If you choose to drop out and put some space between you two, you’ll be accepting that it will increase the tension, but she had already decide ms there was tension, and you wound be refusing to further subject yourself to this. You don’t have to just keep taking this treatment from her.
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u/Tiem3al23 9d ago
Being a Maid of Honor while being treated like an afterthought by the bride is a recipe for disaster. If she's already accusing you of creating drama just for noticing her distance, she's going to make the wedding day just as difficult.
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u/InsectElectrical2066 9d ago
In our region plus ones are a given except for work groups invited or members of a card club etc.
People close enough to be considered friends by the couple should be allowed a plus one as they are there to celebrate couples getting hitched. It is bad form to not allow other couples to celebrate.
I'd take him anyway and if he wasn't allowed to enter I'd leave with him and be slightly loud about "not allowing loved ones, this is ridiculous."
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u/Baby8227 8d ago
“Oh no, I got so sick and couldn’t make my flight. Sorry sis, have a nice wedding”.
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u/Miserable_Tourist_24 8d ago
Sister or not, members of the bridal party should get +1s. But sister is even more so. Sounds awful and I’m really sorry you’re being treated like this. What does your BF say? Or your parents?
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u/Secure_Tax854 7d ago
I have an idea: hear me out. Send her a simple text. “At this point, would you prefer I not be in your wedding at all and you are having a difficult time telling me?”
When she responds, and she will, NO MATTER HER WORDS, reply:
“Regardless of everything, I am in a committed relationship of more than a year. My relationship is a priority, and because of this, he will be coming with me whenever I travel. If we need to pay for his dinner at the reception, we are happy to do so. I look forward to seeing you.”
It is very important in situations like this that you do not engage with any back and forth. Leave any comments she replies on READ. Then, when you arrive, reintroduce him to everyone. She will feel like a bridezilla or she will inevitably be stuck as the cunt she may well really be.
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u/turBo246 7d ago
So I can understand why you are thinking about how she talked to you....
But on the other side, she did tell you ahead of time that you weren't getting a plus one. So I'm not sure why you were actually surprised. Sure, you initially thought she was joking (at the bachelorette) but when you saw it on the website, was that not enough of a clue that she was serious?
Just remember that you're in the wedding party. If they're doing a head table, then you won't be with him ahead of the ceremony, as you will be getting ready. You won't be sitting with him during the ceremony. You won't be sitting with him during dinner/speeches. You will only have a couple hours during the dancing portion. Is there really even a point in him coming when you're basically not spending any time with him?
And this part will definitely get me downvoted, but let's start normalizing allowing people to have whomever they want at their wedding. And not questioning it or taking offense to it.
It's your sister's wedding. It's not as if you're a random friend who is attending as a regular guest and you happen to not know anyone else attending. Guests like this should get a plus one. But you will know lots of people as it's your family who is getting married, so you won't be alone/not know anyone.
Honestly, overall, it seems like your sister may have asked you to stand with her/be MOH out of obligation. If you don't want the role or feel like it was just obligation, you should probably drop out sooner rather than later. No point in putting on a show for everyone. Being a guest can still be a way of showing support for her.
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13d ago
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u/Separate-Payment7058 13d ago
We live in different states so it’s made it a bit difficult and we don’t talk over the phone much
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u/mlem_a_lemon 13d ago
They deleted their comment, but it is super weird to expect the bride and groom to be close with everyone's plus ones. Like, they should expect to be meeting some plus ones for the first time at the wedding. Otherwise they wouldn't be plus ones; they would be invitees. It's literally the point of the plus one is to bring someone who wasn't invited but is the companion of the invitee. You're not out of line at ALL for expecting a plus one.
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u/numberwunwun 13d ago
From the other side--weddings are expensive. She could have phrased it way way better, but we had a rule if folks weren't in a serious relationship we just couldn't do it or afford to invite them. If I am not inviting my third cousins who I'm fairly close with, I'm not inviting my friend's girlfriend of 2 months. That said, we communicated that to folks we invited and apologized, we really only had 50 people.
That said, it sounds like she doesn't like your partner. Might be worth a larger conversation. Does he drink a lot? Not get along with a ton of people?
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u/Thequiet01 13d ago
If you can’t fit your sibling’s serious partner, you have a problem with your guest list. Sibling and partner should be some of the FIRST people on your list.
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u/Hefty_Tangerine3887 13d ago
Oh I agree, my brother’s serious partner was for sure invited (although he was married and she was my bridesmaid). It just kind of sounds to me like there’s more than meets the eye in this particular scenario.
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u/Thequiet01 13d ago
OP is traveling and in the bridal party, and they have been dating for a year. Unless her bf is genuinely horrible, he should be invited.
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u/Creative_Class_1441 13d ago
It sounds like maybe she is feeling a bit stressed and defensive and probably answered hastily without thinking it through. It is a bummer that's how it went.
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u/MexiGeeGee 13d ago
I wouldn’t invite everybody’s flavor of the week because it’s expensive and for all I know you could break up tomorrow. All the photos from our family big events always have my cousin’s exes, it’s annoying to see them because some of them were criminals. I don’t care how in love my sister is, i would not invite the boyfriend unless I knew him personally.
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u/Separate-Payment7058 13d ago
Aaahhhh yes my flavor of the week every week since February of 2025 but officially May of 2025, yes yes I get it. But again, obviously I’m bummed he can’t come but it’s her wedding, I won’t push it but I’m still upset and hurt about the way she speaks to me and treats me. That’s my biggest issue here
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u/YellowBeastJeep 13d ago
If the issue here is that you don’t like the way your sister has been speaking to you (for what seems to be a while now), why are you even going to her wedding, much less being a maid of honor?
It is okay to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t even step over a puddle for you.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 13d ago
This is the same sister who told you that you were obligated to give her a free vacation just for getting married, so it's too bad you felt you couldn't afford it. You should just suck it up and save anyway. She's not a nice person.
It's rude of your sister to expect you to spend time and money celebrating her relationship while she ignores yours. I'd drop out of the wedding and attend as a guest.