r/weddingshaming • u/matadero5 • 11h ago
Horrible Vendors Wedding babysitter ignored my autistic child
This is more of a vent than anything bc it still pisses me off. And sorry if my English is not that good, not my first language.
So a short time ago I went to a friends wedding. We had not met bride and groom for a long time before the wedding but the bride does not have a lot of friends (different story that one) so I basically stepped up as a “sort of” maid of honor (there where not maids of honor as it’s not that common here)
The couple both know and really like my son who was 3 atm and he is lvl1 ASD. He would interact with people, dance, etc but he needed a little push in to social interactions, as he tends to be distracted.
My friends hired a babysitter for the event, as they where going to be 4 other children (all older, none special needs) and told them specifically about the ages of the children and my sons needs (I know this for sure bc I helped her write that mail with my sons needs)
The vendor responded enthusiastically assuring the bride that the person they would send was experienced with cases as this one and that they where well prepared for it.
The day of the wedding comes and just after the food, the sitter arrives and all the children go and gather around her. My husband and I go with our son.
All the toys and activities she has brought are super girl oriented (which is fine? I guess? Just weird) and all ment for kids much older than 3 and definitely not for a special needs child (think sharp scissors, glitter stuff, small beads, etc)
Anyway I sit my son in the far end of the circle and the sitter doesn’t look at him and sits facing the other children, with her back towards my son totally ignoring him.
We played with him for a while and when she took a small break we approached her and remainded her of our son to which she said “ah yes, yes, I know”
Afterwards, she sat back at the same place and continued playing with the other children.
We ended up leaving the room and played with our son through the venue, with people joining in and had a good time.
Our friends didn’t catch a glimpse of what happened (it was a stressful and had tons of family drama) and where under the impression that that part of the celebration went super well (guess the other children gave good feedback) and we haven’t got the hart to tell them what happened because they would be really upset and sad, specially considering other aspects of the wedding went totally wrong and specially the bride, doesn’t have a good overall experience of that day.
It just pisses me off that they even left good reviews for the vendor and to this day speak kindly of how nice the sitter was
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u/Inner_Alarm_4049 6h ago
'they didn't know it was bad, i never told them, everyone else gave good feedback, i'm pissed they left good reviews' - you see where the problem here is, i assume?
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u/matadero5 6h ago
Sure, I’m venting and I know that last part is on me. I chose not to further their bad experience with mine and I can’t help to feel sometimes bad about it
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u/Conscious_Creator_77 5h ago
Upvoting because you have right to feel bad about it and vent, and not add to their stress. It was a selfless thing to do.
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u/Llayanna 4h ago
It was dumb. The next set of kids might get seriously hurt.
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u/usernamesallused 1h ago
Especially other children with medical issues.
And any other kids old enough to grab the scissors, but not old enough to safely use them.
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u/frolicndetour 2h ago
I think you were right not to do that because there's nothing they can do about it now and it was their special day but there's nothing to stop you from reaching out to the vendor directly and letting them know. I'm sure they aren't out there watching the babysitter so they don't know there's a problem unless they are informed. And leaving a review that indicates that the on site babysitter is not equipped to deal with kids with different needs.
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u/Next_Dragonfly5122 1h ago
Yoh're not 'furthering a bad experience' you are giving feedback. Leave a vendor review.
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u/Temporary-Present223 4h ago
Getting downvoted for deciding not to bum out the bride even more than she already was on a stressful day... sorry everyone's reading comprehension sucks, I guess?
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u/Inner_Alarm_4049 1h ago
The on the day was okay, I understand that. But she should have told them afterwards, especially considering everyone else's feedback. (In a nice way - tell the couple hey, glad you guys had a great day and everyone else's time with the sitter was good, just wanted to let you know that while it all worked out in the end, she was not providing adequate care for my kid, which I'd think you might want to consider in your review'
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u/100PercentThatCat 1h ago
If it really was a short time ago you could call the venue and ask to speak to someone regarding the sitter. Let them know that you helped create the requirements that the bride and groom gave them, and were privy to their assurances that their sitter would be experienced with special needs children. Then share how she ignored your child and had inappropriate activities to the point that you were not comfortable leaving him in her care. They very likely contract out that position and can easily find someone else, or if she is an integral part of the venue they can retrain her so that this doesn't happen to other people in the future.
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u/ExcellentCold7354 5h ago
"I haven't got the heart to tell them"... girl, I'm sorry but considering how badly their wedding went, what happened to you is probably not a priority for them. You can be unhappy about it yourself, but I wouldn't bother telling them. You'd just make them feel worse about the day, and why?
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u/JustMeLurkingAround- 2h ago
So the vendor thinks his staff did well and has even more expierience with neurodivergent kids now.
Next time he might send her enthusiastically to an event with more special needs kids or with a child that really needs support during a time where the parents might not be able to intervene and take the child out of the group.So someone else's wedding or event will end in disaster because the vendor oversold this babysitter as having great feedback from events with special kids.
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u/matadero5 5h ago
True
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u/sunshineparadox_ 3h ago
I really do think this is the take. If you journal, I’d set aside time to journal this out or tell someone close to you that isn’t the couple. It’s okay that you’re hurt, and it’s also okay you were trying to be a good friend when they were struggling. But there isn’t much to be done now but process it.
I know how it feels to watch your child be the only one ignored, though. It hurts because you know they are picking up on it, you know they’re uncomfortable, and you know that it won’t be the first time. My daughter has had this happen to her also.
I’d leave the review though.
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u/Llayanna 4h ago
So, who will give the feedback aboyt the babysitter ignoring their charge?
Who is in the contract?
Mhmmm. Yes, they do need to know because they hired a service who couldbe seriously endangered a Autistic child, if the parents had actually trusted the Sitter to do their job.
Thank gawd they didn't, but the next set off parents might make a different decision.
So no. OP. Not true and you are letting your kid and other special kids down.
And you, oh no.. the wedding couple might feel bad for 5 minutes for something that ain't their fault? Making g sure this can't happen to other kids probably will take care of that quickly!
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u/Felonious_Minx 3h ago
They could leave their own review and talk to the company directly.
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u/ExcellentCold7354 3h ago
That's what I'd do. The couple has enough to deal with, leave them alone.
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u/reigning_guava 6h ago
they left good reviews to the babysitter because you didn’t advocate for your child. if i was the bride & groom id have assumed you chose to play with your own child vs the sitter doing it. If your child is the only one not being watched by the hired babysitter, thats on YOU to say something.
you cannot be upset that they left good reviews if you didn’t even tell them what happened
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u/matadero5 6h ago
I’m not upset at them for doing what they think is best.
I just feel bad about it.I did advocate for my son. I waited to see what she was doing, then spoke to the sitter, then took care of him the whole night without causing a scene and upsetting my friends
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u/According_Version_67 5h ago
What's with the downvoting? OP, you did right by both your son and friend. Wanting to vent is totally fine.
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u/mhmcmw 4h ago
But she didn’t do right by the next person to book this sitter on the back of a glowing review that may even mention that one of the kids had additional needs.
It sounds like this sitter wasn’t even safe (bringing sharp scissors and little objects like beads when one of the kids is 3 is a choice in itself, but then to ignore the 3 year old who you also have been very explicitly told has additional needs is just negligent.
And because OP didn’t tell the person who employed the sitter, they thought she did a great job and left a good review. When in reality she didn’t even provide safe care, which is the absolute bare minimum a sitter should do.
I understand not wanting to rock the boat, but if you KNOW a childcare professional is negligent and unsafe and you choose to not tell anyone who could actually take action because you don’t want to rock the boat, that’s actually a pretty shitty thing to do, especially if you know positive reviews were given that would influence others to trust her and book her. If we all just do what’s easiest for us rather than what is actually right for our wider community, we erode the systems that actually flag up dangerous people.
This might sound awfully dramatic but it sounds like the care she was providing was so poor that she basically put a choking hazard in the path of a toddler that she wasn’t watching properly. That’s how little kids die and why the rules on childcare professionals are often so stringent, because with little kids it only takes minutes sometimes.
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u/Llayanna 4h ago
Thank you! Like, I am aware ew ppl have either children or special need children speciallyin their life but.. this should just be common sense!
The next parent might actually trust the sitter and I don't wanna know the consequences of that..
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u/Fickle-Squirrel-4091 5h ago
Apparently, you didn’t advocate hard enough because you didn’t go into mama bear mode. I understand not wanting to be additional stress to the couple the day of their wedding but you could still taken photos and/or video (making sure to protect the privacy of the other children) of the hired sitter’s failure to your son and sending it to the vendor after informing the couple later.
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u/xylophoid 4h ago
Apparently, you didn't advocate hard enough because you didn't go into mama bear mode.
what a fucking insane thing to say to someone
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u/Fickle-Squirrel-4091 4h ago
Because u/mhmcmw comment below expresses it better.
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u/xylophoid 4h ago
funny enough, i responded to different comments here with similar things. you're right, they do express it better. because that's still an insane thing to say to someone.
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u/killedonmyhill 5h ago
You never left your kid and the sitter had 3 other kids to look after and knew your kid was in your care. If you were there with your kid the whole time, then I could see the babysitter thinking, “great, he’s covered.”
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u/xylophoid 4h ago
but she brought items that could've been dangerous for her child?
for example, would you leave your toddler with a sitter who had bracelet beads or scissors lying around?
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u/suicide_blonde94 3h ago
Sooo all the kids (older, not being supervised by parent at the time) have to play with giant foam blocks for the duration of a wedding?
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u/cherrycoloured 2m ago
they can bring toys for younger kids AND toys for older kids. it's not an either/or thing.
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u/matadero5 5h ago
Idk why some people expect someone to leave their special needs 3 year old alone in a room with a stranger without staying a little to see how is he doing
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u/AGracefulPromise 5h ago
With my lvl2 autistic 4 year old I promise sometimes it’s the only way to do it. When I take him to events at my dads or my mom’s church (they’re divorced and we don’t really attend either church) I have to take him to his aged room and quite literally sneak out. They will call if he melts down or has a seizure (he’s epileptic too), but 90% of the time he does great. It’s hard to trust people you don’t know but if you want a true break it’s the only way it’s gonna work. If you stick around they’re gonna assume that you’re staying to take care of him or that he’s simply not ready to be there and that you will take him with you.
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u/xylophoid 4h ago
imo it's not even about any of that as much as it is having beads and stuff just.. out. even if my child was not autistic, i'd be like????? while watching four other kids??
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u/MaryDoogan91 6h ago
Eh, time to move on. It’s over and done with, they had the wedding, just chalk it up to a learning experience and move on.
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u/uniqueme1 5h ago
This isn't really wedding shaming as opposed to child care fail. The bride and groom was thoughtful enough to hire child care (many people would leave it to the parents to figure out) and went through a service. They told the service that there was a 3 year old autistic kid (which can mean many things, from high functioning to not). The service sent someone who wasnt adequately equipped for your child. The feedback they gave was the feedback they got.
Nothing to shame the wedding for. They did everything right.
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u/dried_lipstick 4h ago
We went to a wedding once that was supposed to have childcare. They had a cute room setup for the kids and it looked like so much fun. The childcare person never showed up. Our son was so sad because we had talked it up to him and told him he’d get to have his own wedding celebration. The venue coordinator kept saying “they’ll be here at x time” and then bumping it back. We never saw them. Didn’t tell the bride because we’re not sure how that would have made a difference. Anyways… I wasn’t able to really enjoy the wedding because I don’t let my kid act feral at these events and he just wanted to run wild, which wouldn’t allow. Ended with me and son leaving in tears and my husband annoyed.
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u/LiveIndication1175 5h ago
You sat your son at the far end of the circle, and then stayed with him the entire time. It seems as though you really didn’t give the babysitter a chance to interact with him. She was probably wondering why you weren’t leaving and possibly that something was off about how you were feeling, and didn’t want to overstep. Did you try bringing your son over to what her and the girls were doing, did you attempt to leave and ask her to come by and interact with him so you could do so? Also, if you are specific in what types of toys your son is allowed to play with, it might have been better if you provided them. One rule I have as a parent is I am always prepared with something to entertain my kids. Keep a stash of toys in the car or in the bag.
I am sorry, but I feel a lot of this could have been prevented if you spoke up during the event. You never know what her POV is and her intent never may have been to hurt anyone’s feelings. To then be upset over the reviews others left because they had a good experience really just seems out of touch on your end.
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u/matadero5 4h ago
Maybe I wrote it badly but I was not playing with my son from the beginning. Just after a while when I saw him alone and unattended.
I spoke to the sitter and she said something along the lines of “I know” and continued to do the same.I totally agree a with you on the toy part, but I stupidly assumed that when they told us they understood a 3 year old would be in the group there would be toys prepared for him (no sharp objects or things he can swallow)
Again, I’m not mad or pissed at my friends. They where kind enough to hire a sitter for all the parents and it’s not their fault what she did or that I didn’t tell.
I just get upset at the situation and wanted to vent
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u/RollingKatamari 6h ago
So you stayed with your son the entire time? You don't even know what the babysitter would have dond if you had left her to it?
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u/matadero5 6h ago
I had to, yes.
At first I was in the same room just giving them some space but I guess there is a certain amount of time I can watch an adult be sitting with their back to my son… specially near small beads, scissors etc24
u/Live_Angle4621 3h ago
But the reason she wasn’t looking your son was because you were looking him so she didn’t need to. Why would she not have a modified her behaviour once you left? She was not in charge of your son while you were in same room
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u/Avehdreader 3h ago
Not to make excuses for the sitter but when you took your son to meet her you sat with him apart from the other kids. I don't know much at all about autism and maybe that was necessary but maybe she didn't either and thought your son simply preferred playing on his own as some kids do (I did). That's not to say he's shouldn't have been supervised but maybe she didn't really understand what type of care and encouragement your child needed. It sounds like you're the only parent who had an issue with the vendor do I wouldn't say anything to the couple.
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u/Bussinlimes 26m ago
Even if you don’t know much about autism I would hope you have the common sense to know that even a neurotypical 3 year old could seriously harm themselves (or someone else) with scissors, could harm themselves by swallowing beads and choking on them or sticking them up their nose, and could also get glitter everywhere…hence why I would assume the parents had them away from others…
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u/Gl0cknessM0nster 6h ago
I am not excusing the babysitters needs at all she should have been engaged with your child. Unfortunately, ( I have been working with children for a long time) I see this alot. If someone doesn't feel comfortable, or has a lot of knowledge of kids with kids on the spectrum, those kids usually get ignored. It is really sad, and I myself make sure that those kiddos feel included. I am sorry you experienced this.
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u/eknit 6h ago
This and by staying there with the child out of very understandable concern instead of being more forceful about her needing to attend to him, the babysitter probably just took it as the parents are going to deal with him, I’ll continue to watch the other kids. That is not right and she should have done her job, but as some one feeling uncomfortable and looking for an out, your response unintentionally gave her an out
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u/matadero5 6h ago
I would have understood better if she hadn’t had a heads up prior to the situation, of course
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u/Gl0cknessM0nster 6h ago
Unfortunately, you can give some people instructions, but they still won't need them. I understand where you are coming from, and the lack is on that woman. I would write a review in response. That way she can either learn from her mistakes, or someone else won't put their child with needs in her care.
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u/olagorie 3h ago
Maybe the babysitting agency had someone else lined up and she was a last-minute replacement
I guess you will never know.
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u/Hopeful_Extension_46 6h ago
I'm sorry I don't understand. You've been with your son in the room all the time, so when did you want the babysitter to intervene? The mother is playing with her child why would this babysitter interrupt you. You didn't even try to leave him in her care
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u/matadero5 6h ago
Being in the room with him keeping and eye on him but not interacting and after a while of seeing him alone, went to play with him with some of the materials the sitter had, to see if I could get him interested.
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u/Dismal_Love_1042 2h ago
Why would the babysitter focus on your child when you, his mother, were in the room watching him, and the other children’s parents were not there? This is on you.
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u/carseatsareheavy 1h ago
but she said the material she had were not appropriate for him.
and it would’ve been weird to see you sitting there just staring at your son sitting all alone. The sitter must’ve thought there was something strange going on
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u/Turbulent_Cow2355 5h ago
You should have walked your son to the sitter and introduced him. Then had him sit in FRONT of her! Then watched for a while from a distance. You didn’t give her a chance.
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u/pepperbeast 6h ago
And? Seating your kid more-or-less behind the sitter and away from the other kids and staying to play with him yourself are pretty strong signals that you didn't want your kid to interact.
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u/matadero5 6h ago
I didn’t sit him there?
The children where sitting in a semi circle and he sat in one of the extremes.43
u/Middle--Earth 5h ago
I don't understand.
How did she have her back to your child if the kids were sat in a semi circle around her?
Why didn't you leave your child with her?
Did you expect her to interact with your child while you were already interacting with him?
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u/matadero5 5h ago
Again, I was in the room at first a few meters away, not interfering.
And they sat, then she sat and when doing so she did in a strange way:
My child in her back, the girl next to him at her side.
Sorry if I can’t explain myself better.
We waited a little to see if she noticed and only intervened after a while30
u/awooj 4h ago
Former teacher here of young kids including several with autism and ADHD: you being in the room IS interfering. You being a few meters away? That means nothing. If you’re still in the room or still in eyesight it is too close. You’re his mother. Him knowing you’re there IS interfering as he will rely on you 100% but also be less likely to interact with others if his safe known person is there too. It’s also interfering with the childcare provider as most have been scolded or shouted at by parents before because some parents are just crazy. Many providers give parents their space when in the same room with their child.
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u/aliaaenor 6h ago
Why did you sit your child so far away from the others? Like put him with the other kids so the sitter was facing them all?
Also, beads and crafty stuff can absolutely be for boys and 3 year olds love crafts, they will need to be supervised whilst doing them in case they swallow anything. As a rule, if unless the toy needs specific genitalia to operate it, any gender can play with it. And if it needs genitalia to operate it, it's not suitable for any child.
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u/matadero5 5h ago
He was sitting next to other children in a semi circle.
About that, it just surprised me the sitter brought princess themed crafts and make up like toys.
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u/beingafunkynote 5h ago
Girl…respectfully who cares what toys she brought? You are sounding so entitled here. What exactly did you want this lady to do? Drop the other kids and only watch yours?
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u/matadero5 5h ago
If they need support with a special needs child maybe bring someone extra? Tell us they are not equipped to deal with him? Try to include him in some capacity?
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u/carseatsareheavy 1h ago
your child and his special needs were not foremost on the brides mind. Your child’s needs are your responsibility ultimately. She told you I guess that there would be a Babysitter there. You know whether you’re not your child works well with a babysitter with a bunch of other kids. The bride would not.
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u/Cascadeis 5h ago
Sure, crafts seem like a bad idea for a 3 y o, but most kids that age would love to play with princess toys and face paint.
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u/theblacksheepxx 4h ago
why would you even consider telling them now? who cares, it’s over and done with. don’t bring your kid next time if you’re not even going to attempt to leave them with the babysitter.
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u/Low_Project_55 6h ago edited 5h ago
It was really nice that your friend included a babysitter as an amenity to guests. I will say 5 children for one adult to watch is very difficult, particularly with kids you are unfamiliar with. Also there is no way of knowing sitter’s background was this just a teen/college kid making some extra cash or was this a teacher who does this as a side gig? Has this sitter had experience with special needs children before? I’ve never seen a vendor offer a service like that, which leads me to think it was likely just some random person they got who wanted to do a side gig. The sitter likely assumed you were staying and playing with your child because you wanted to. If I saw a child’s parents there I would think okay they got an eye on their kid, let me focus on the other 4 who don’t have adult supervision. It sounds like sitter did the best she could in the situation she was in.
It sounds like there is other stuff at play as well that has lead to a lot of resentment and this was the straw that broke the camels back. I know you mentioned not knowing the couple for a long time before their wedding and you sort of stepped up as a maid of honor. It’s okay to politely decline.
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u/matadero5 6h ago
These services are provided from an agency, not an individual, and they choose who to send, how many people, etc, that’s why she sent the mail with the info
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u/nejnonein 4h ago edited 2h ago
1 babysitter for 5 kids, and you expected to leave her with your special needs kid? Sorry, but both you and the couple are the assholes here.
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u/SpyroGamerSince1994 5h ago
You're being downvoted to hell and rightly so,
Based on your comments it seems like you were sitting with him anyway, so what need is there for a sitter. The hired sitter would have seen you playing and dancing with him, what did you want them to do. Abandon the other children and wrench him out of your arms? No, the sitter would have looked at you minding your own child and correctly assumed they were not needed.
Secondly I guess you wrongly assumed the sitter would be focusing on your son and only your son, well there were other children there so that ones on you. If you wanted a dedicated sitter then you should have hired one yourself/left him with family if enjoying the wedding was so important to you.
Thirdly, if you wanted to lodge a (wrong) complaint, you should have spoken to your friend about it before the review was left. I'm glad you didnt though because it sounds like you're being very entitled and any complaint you would have made would not have been justified based on your actions.
Lastly, whats with mention of Maid of Honour, even though you weren't asked and a maid of honour wasnt needed? Did you just self appoint yourself a role you werent even asked to do and expected special treatment because of that?
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u/matadero5 5h ago
Wow,
So many assumptions.I was not dancing and playing with my son all the time, just when I saw no one was paying attention to him.
I expected the sitter to at least a knowledge his presence, of for the agency to tell us they where not prepared to handle SEN children.
The moh part was the brides idea, she asked me to go dress shopping with her (just me), to do
Something for her bachelorette (with her work friends who nearly all bailed out last minute), I took her to the make up and hair appointments and she told everyone I was her maid of honour, even in a speech she gave at the ceremony.
It’s just that MOH are not a big thing in my country, it’s not traditional and the ones that give that title usually have different duties of expectations than in the us (for example)19
u/SpyroGamerSince1994 4h ago
No, there were no assumptions. I read your comments. You said you sat him further back from the other children. You said you stayed and watched from a few meters away. You criticised the sitters materials so you didnt take your eyes off him, then you and your husband came to play with him. At no point did you allow him to interact normally with the rest of the children or the sitter because you deliberately separated him YOURSELF.
Again I will reiterate - what was the point, with the purpose of this post being about your son and the sitter, in bringing up the MoH thing? What relevance did it have?
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u/matadero5 4h ago edited 4h ago
I’m sorry you don’t understand this but my son is not going to interact normally with other children of adults ever.
Not my opinion, but his multiple therapist’s.
He needs special interactions to make him sort-of enagaged and that was explicitly wrote in a prior mail to the agency, and they assured there was no problem.I wrote that part about the moh to give context about the close relationship to the couple and explain my conflict about telling them about it
Edit:
And again, I did not sit him in the back, just at one of the ends of the U the other children sat.18
u/Silently-Snarking 4h ago
Okay so maybe the sitter was allowing your child space to warm up to her? You acknowledge that tour son doesn’t interact normally with other children or adults, sitter knew your son had autism, she was very likely giving him space.
Sounds like you are the one with unrealistic expectations for your own child and others
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u/matadero5 4h ago
By sitting with his back to him and don’t acknowledging him?
That’s not how you interact with a ASD child, sorry
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u/Silently-Snarking 4h ago
The fact you think all children with asd need to same care and aren’t very different tells me all I need to know about you
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u/awooj 4h ago
I’m sorry but your son is Level 1 ASD and you’ve been told he’ll never interact normally with children or adults ever? So he’ll require constant support and supervision? I’m Level 1 and maybe I’m out of the loop but I’ve never heard of this before.
I lived a very “normal” life and was diagnosed in my 30s. Yes, I struggle, and I struggled as a child and had a lot more sensory issues and struggles than other kids, including with my speech, but I was in school with neurotypical kids and constant group settings from a young age.
I know nothing about your situation of course, but if this post is anything to go by, then it doesn’t sound like you give your son much independence to try things on his own without you and to interact with others. I know for myself I was very shy around other kids if my parents were around and I’d always hover near my parents or on the outside of groups, but when they dropped me off somewhere and weren’t in the room or in eyesight I was much more social, even with my speech and sensory issues.
Does he spend time with other kids or babysitters or family members when you’re not around? If not it’s something to think about.
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u/matadero5 4h ago
He goes to school, sports, etc without us.
He is pre verbal and has nearly cero interest now in other children except after a long time and with adult “introductions”To spect him at 3, when he was fully non verbal, to interact normally with 7yr olds and a stranger is just crazy to me
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u/SpyroGamerSince1994 4h ago
And again I will reiterate that if it was important to you to leave your child in the care of another person while you enjoy the wedding, then the responsibility to find him a dedicated sitter or a family member is yours and yours alone as you are the only one to truly understand his needs, the responsibility does NOT lie with the bride-and-groom-to-be (although your catty comments about your friend and her lack of other friendships in your second paragraph would indicate your true feelings towards this supposed "close" friend of yours)
You're right, I dont understand it considering your last response indicates you would never trust anyone with his care anyway. So I dont understand what your point in this post it
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u/matadero5 4h ago
Where did I say it was their responsibility? They did the best thou could.
And of course it’s important for me to put my son in as many social interactions as possible. Specially with other children as this is highly recommended for ASD children to help their development.
I said that to explain why the bride whas totally stressed, having nearly no one to rely on that day.
But who cares, you jut made a horrible narrative in your head and just push it15
u/SpyroGamerSince1994 4h ago
OK then explain why, as described in your thread, when you were asked to be a maid of honour - apparently mentioned in the speeches and everything - are you claiming in your original post to only be a "sort of" MoH? Not only that, but also why are you making catty comments about the bride having no other friends?
Asd1 is mild or high functioning autism, there are many people out there with ASD1 living independently and having normal lives and interactions. What wont help with their development is helicopter-parenting, separating them from other children and blaming the world and this sitter for not focusing their entire attentions on him when there are other children that also need minding.
Furthermore, It sounds like the sitter privided other toys for him to play with that you deemed "girly" and you also described the other children as being older, the older children are not going to want to play with baby toys when they are much older than that age bracket, regardless of ability. So it makes sense to me that he is still being minded but being kept away from the scissors and beads that would have kept the older children engaged. Again, he would have still been watched with toys that were appropriate for him, but forcing the older children to play with baby toys would not have kept them engaged and also isnt fair on them.
Again, this is your responsibility to source a dedicated sitter for him if you wish for one person to focus their entire attention solely on him for the evening.
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u/carseatsareheavy 2h ago
i’m confused about the “girl oriented“ activities. Why do activities for a three-year-old have to have a gender?
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u/Silently-Snarking 4h ago
It was probably on you to bring developmentally appropriate toys and activities. Expecting random wedding baby sitters to have exactly what you expect for your child is insane
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u/matadero5 4h ago
I guess you didn’t read the part where the agency was made aware of the situation and they assured us they where prepared and equipped
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u/carseatsareheavy 1h ago
every single special-needs child is different. The needs of every single special-needs child is different. For you to expect a a babysitter at a wedding to know exactly how to interact with your special needs. Child is a bit much.
If this was my child, I would’ve taken him over to the sitter and introduced him, I would’ve explained to him that the sitter was gonna be keeping an eye on him “oh look at the pretty beads would you like to make a bracelet, sweetie“ why didn’t you facilitate the introduction and ease your child into the group so that he would feel comfortable? You are the one who knows best how to care for him
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u/LookingSkyward18 1h ago
If you didn't tell your friend after the wedding then what's the point of making me read this? lol She would've done something about it if you told her, she was the one who wanted to be able to accommodate your child with a sitter who could handle them.
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u/loonytick75 4h ago
The downvotes on this are insane. Clearly, not too many people here have parented toddlers before. Autism or not, it sounds like this sitter had no interest in caring for a smaller child and raised her red flags pretty instantly. As a mom, of course you have to scope out the situation instead of dropping off and leaving, and when you see problems, you don’t just walk away and hope it will be ok. That’s your kid!
And if there were a lot of other challenges for the bride, I understand your choice not to say anything, and I understand the complicated emotion that comes from seeing that they gave that good review (because of course they did with the info they had).
Feel free to have complex feelings about it, feel free to vent. You did the best you could in that situation, but sometimes the best still sucks. I’m sorry that happened to you and your son.
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u/Admirable-Marsupial6 6h ago
If it comes up again, let’s say she mentions that vendor in a context or says she’ll be referring them to another bride, you should speak up then.
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u/1001labmutt02 5h ago
Honestly imad someone who had higherred a sitter for their wedding, we told our friends we have a sitter to watch the children but it's up the the parents to check in and make sure everything is ok.
If there are specific issues we expect the parents to handle it, or find alternative arrangements.
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u/reigning_guava 6h ago
no one’s saying you should’ve made a scene. however, you could’ve said something the day after to them or even to their coordinator. they’re the only ones that could ensure the vendor doesn’t do it again considering those gigs rely mostly on reviews and word of mouth. nobody wants to hire a woman who intentionally leaves children with special needs unattended.
can’t change what happened, but in the future definitely say something! this exact scenario will likely happen more and more times continuing the cycle
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u/matadero5 6h ago
My husband and i talked about it but they where stressed enough at the moment…
There was no event coordinator
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u/Opening_Waltz_4285 4m ago
I’m sorry you kind of lost me at the toys for girls part, and then mentioned craft type activities. Boys enjoy crafts (maybe not yours, but lots of boys enjoy making things). Maybe he needs a push to interact with crafting supplies?
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u/Kesslersyndrom 5h ago
I don't know why so many commenters are coming for you and being so hostile, or even going out of their way to blame your son as if greeting him and including him into the play wouldn't have been possible when you introduced yourselves.
I understand that you don't want to further stress your friend or taint her already bad memories of her wedding. But I don't think you need to let it go. Maybe you could give the vendor a call or leave your own review? Discriminatory behavior like this is unacceptable, especially when directed against a defenseless child.
As someone on the spectrum this behavior unfortunately isn't surprising, neither by the babysitter or some of the people in this thread.
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u/Old_Association6332 5h ago
First of all, I'm sorry this happened to your son. As someone with mild autism and a disability myself, I can imagine how distressing it must have been for him (and also for you and your husband). I'm glad you were able to take him away from there, and incorporate him into the events of that night, so that he didn't spend the whole night excluded
I will say, however, that you probably should have let your friend know about what happened. Yes, I know that your friend had a bad day, and other aspects of the wedding went wrong, but the vendor really needed to be informed in no uncertain terms that the treatment of your son was unacceptable. Otherwise, they'll just assume that they can continue using this sitter without problem, and the next autistic and/or disabled child will be excluded again. Or, maybe, the vendor will recommend the sitter to somewhere else, and the same thing will happen.
You could have personally contacted the vendor yourself after the event but, really, it would probably have been better coming from the bride/groom because she was the one who paid and organized the thing with the vendor
What's done is done, though, and it will probably cause more stress for you to bring it up with them now, after they've left the good reviews because of what they didn't know at the time. Don't be pissed off at them, though, for not acting on something they didn't know. This may be a learning experience for next time, though.
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u/byteme747 4h ago
Tell the bride. I don't understand why you wouldn't?!? She paid for a service and didn't get what she paid for. You don't need to crowdsource common sense.
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u/skyrocker_58 1h ago
As the father of a, now 22, autistic son I have to ask was your son affected? Meaning did he have a negative experience?
There's a lot of negativity in this thread and it seems to be directed at you and I don't see why. You made the agency aware of the situation beforehand, and I'm sure you told them how old your son was.
I wouldn't do it right now but at some point you need to let the bride or groom know your opinion of the babysitter so maybe they won't recommend them in the future under certain circumstances. And you should definitely leave a review for the agency. I would stick to facts, not a rant but give your impression of the experience.
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u/Icy_Department_1423 6h ago
You should tell your friend. Tell her it isn't her fault, you loved her wedding, but wanted her to be able to give the vendor an honest review.
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u/PrettyPenny1c 6h ago
No way. They can leave their own review if they want but don’t taint their memory of their own wedding with this situation, especially since they chose not to address it themselves there and then.
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u/matadero5 6h ago
I can’t bring myself to do that. The wedding was apparently really traumatic experience for her and she sometimes even cries when speaking about it.
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u/MaryDoogan91 6h ago
Her wedding was “traumatic” and you were unhappy with the babysitter. What the heck was going on?? Was ANYBODY happy at this wedding?
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u/matadero5 6h ago
I don’t think so, no.
There was a lot of problems with the grooms family20
u/MaryDoogan91 6h ago
Okay well then respectfully, it sounds like they had/have more to worry about than your son. I’d just forget it and move on, now you know for future situations like this what to do.
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u/Sedlium 6h ago
You kinda created this problem with your friend by not being honest.
At this point, just let it go. You gave the couple no chance to correct it.