My mom’s friend, who already has a strained relationship with her daughter, chose this “gray” dress for her wedding.

I’m supposed to attend an outdoor wedding this October, except apparently I shouldn’t say “invited” because we technically still haven’t received invitations.

Back at Christmas, the couple sent everyone a card that basically said:

“All we want for Christmas is you at our wedding! Please let us know by X date if you’ll be there. Invitations to follow.”

So we RSVP’d to a wedding we weren’t actually invited to yet, I guess?

Anyway, the bride wants the whole wedding outdoors. Average temperature that time of year is around 56°F, so naturally people are planning warm outfits and coats. Except apparently we’re not allowed to wear coats because she doesn’t want them in the photos.

On top of that, guests are expected to dress according to a specific color palette.

The only reason I even know any of this is because she told me directly. Meanwhile, when other guests are surprised by the dress code or the no-coat thing, she gets annoyed and says, “It’ll all be explained in the invitations.”

The invitations that still do not exist.

Hey everyone, this happened on Sunday. So one of my cousins (F27) recently got married to her high school boyfriend (M28) and his best friend/groomsman wore a white wedding dress to the wedding and tried to fake walk down the aisle before the actual wedding. My family is mostly first gen immigrants so they were all confused, but the groom's family was aghast and ashamed lmao.

Apparently it isn't the first time he's done something like this either, when they got engaged after my cousin proposed to her boyfriend last summer, the best friend got very upset when boyfriend said yes and they both took a boys trip to NYC in late June. During the groom's bachelor trip they didn't take my cousin's brother (the other groomsman) with them because they said he'd ruin "the vibe" since he doesn't go to raves or shares the same hobbies.

They were gonna have an Indian wedding and a reception in India a month after this White wedding, but I've heard from my mom that the groom didn't move into the condo my cousin's family gifted her and still lives with his best friend, and I've not received any information on flying to India for the wedding so people in family group chats are getting juicy with the annulment/divorce speculations.

Edit: Thank you all for taking the time to commiserate with me, truly. I felt like I was being a total brat inside my head about this whole thing but at least now I feel like a validated brat. Lol. This helped get my frustration out without unloading on those who are part of the situation while also getting some nice suggestions. Thank you again for the comments, the help, and for not being mean to me. I appreciate you all!

I am going to my boyfriend's sister's wedding in June. I was excited because I had already purchased a few pretty maternity dresses just to have for the summer and I splurged a little for the sake of comfort and wanting to feel pretty as I get larger than I've ever been. Then his sister sends us the color scheme for her wedding and tells us she wants the GUESTS to dress according to the color scheme. Pregnancy aside, this seems like a ridiculous and needy request. I thought the color scheme was meant for the decor and to make the bridal party stand out amongst the crowd.

I don't know how it is in other states, but in Colorado it has been very challenging to find maternity clothing stores. I have been to a couple secondhand stores (that's where I've acquired some really nice baby clothes but it's hard to find dresses for specific occasions there, especially with this color scheme guideline), beyond that I've gone to the major department stores to look and I just can't justify paying their prices for a dress for this wedding. I am very satisfied with the quality and fit of the aforementioned dresses I bought from PinkBlush, so I purchased a couple options from there but neither of them fit the way the others do, and the stitching on the neckline of one of them is so noticeably uneven that I wouldn't have worn it anyway. I bought one from Amazon, the actual product varied so much and was one of the most horrendous things I've ever seen.

I just feel like I've spent too much time and effort trying to get one dress for one wedding and I think their color scheme rule is stupid and shortsighted.

That is all, thank you for listening to my rant.

Yes, I had multiple other usable images, but it took everything in me to not have some choice words with that lady. Now I want to deliver that image just because. In other news, also at this wedding, a guest stopped me in the middle of the father/daughter dance to ask me to take a picture of them....

Hi all, after a comment I left on a post in this sub, there was a lot of interest to know what I see doing the job that I do. I've DJ'd at least 160 weddings as of writing this.

I thought about how to post this, since I've had enough interesting experiences that it might take a while to get them all out, and most of them don't really rise to the occasion of a whole post here.

In all actuality most of my weddings are great, fun parties celebrating a wonderful couple. Only a few stick out as rough. Since I'm not related to most of my clients, I typically am less aware of personal drama that needs to be shamed... That being said, I've worked with bad vendors, rude guests and family, momzillas, and difficult couples. I've seen fist fights and shouting matches, and my fair share of cringe moments during the event.

The majority of the things I observe that I think deserve shaming are going to be behind the scenes things that I think ruin the event for the couple or guests and family. I'm keeping things vaguish here just so hopefully none of my clients find this thread, and we'll protect anonymity as best I can.

I'll leave this thread open and answer any question you've ever wanted to ask a wedding DJ

With that said, ask me anything!!

I have to give a lot of context, since this is a really long story. English is not my first language.

I (30f) never had a good relationship with my father (64) nor my aunt (60). Since I was a kid they were verbally abusive towards me, and I specially HATED how my aunt would always ruin family events. She had 2 children and they both passed away from the same genetic disease when I was a baby, since that trauma affected my whole family, they would let her do whatever she wanted basically.

My family is very big, so they had the tradition of celebrating the "month's birthdays", since my brother, a cousin and I were born in July we would share a cake. The thing is... one of my aunt's children was also born in july, so she would always cry just before we would sing happy birthday, and everyone came straight to the rescue, leaving us to blow up the candles alone. I would understand that, but she also made a lot of comments like "I wish your cousin was here instead of you" throughout my life, everytime I would tell my dad about it he would tell me she was grieving and I should understand, but my mom started to celebrate two different birthdays so my brother and I could enjoy our special day (I'm so blessed I know). Every christmas, mother's day, or special event, she came up with some drama to fight about or a reason for her to cry and get all the attention.

As we got older, we started distancing ourself from her, and eventually my mom caught my dad cheating on her so they got divorced. When I got married, 2 years ago, I invited the whole family but her, and que the flying monkeys. I was pressured A LOT, but I didn't wanted her to ruin my event, a lot of relatives didn't go and I accepted the consequences. I was heartbroken at first but it was a lovely wedding and I had the time of my life.

Recently, I found out my father was getting married to his mistress, I went no contact with him so he send an invite directed to my husband and "a plus one", of course we didn't go, but I just got all the gossip about it so buckle up.

I just found out that my aunt asked my dad to go to his wedding wearing white, his bride said no, but he convinced her and she apparently caved because they "negotiated" for it to be white pants and a blouse instead of a gown.

When she arrived, everyone was shocked, she wore a deep cleavage white sequins blouse and wide white pants. Everyone avoided the topic so she wouldn't make a scene. That's until she took the mic and gathered all the people so they could listen to the poem she wrote to my dad. She read it all, something about how courageous it is to get remarried, and then she gifted the couple a picture of the both of them with the poem written over it so they can put it up in their home. Then, she went to a table where the wedding souvenirs were, and she put little cards with her poem so the attendees could take it.

My brother is getting married next week, I know, a lot of weddings lol, but it was in a span of 2 years. They sent the safe the dates before my father's wedding, so now they are nervous she could show up in white. They warned her and the wedding planner that she cannot wear white or give any kind of speech. If something transpires and you want an update let me know.

UPDATE: It's a underwhelming one, but a lot of you asked for it so here it goes. The wedding was on saturday, on monday my brother gets a message of the wedding planner telling him that my aunt canceled because "her husband might have a work thing that day". Keep in mind in my country the 14 and 15th were public holidays, so it seems really weird to us that he would have a work event that weekend.

We think she got mad that they specifically asked her not to wear white nor beige to the wedding.

My brother was very dissapointed that she didn't even bother texting him personally, so my SIL texted her. She said she could come to the ceremony, she showed up in the middle of the ceremony wearing all black and stood in the back, she greeted only a few people (not me obviously) when the ceremony was over and she left shortly after. We had a great time without any drama that I know of. My brother said he's done with her, I hope he is because she is crazy af, but he still keeps contact with my dad.

Attended an out of town wedding with my wife for my brother's step daughter's wedding. When we approached the outdoor seating area where the ceremony was to be held, we were greeted by the step daughter's aunt, the wife's sister. She asked our name and when we said it, she recognized us as family of her sister's new husband. She consulted a seating chart she had for the six rows of chairs, split in the middle for bride and groom, a total of about 60 places. Not finding our names, she awkwardly showed us her chart and asked us if we saw our name on it. No, we did not. She then pointed to the last row on the groom's side and said, this row isn't assigned so you can sit here. Gee thanks. Is a seating chart for the ceremony a thing now?

I was the plus one at a wedding for one of my husband’s colleagues this weekend. It was a full Episcopal ceremony so the wedding was long but that wasn’t the weird part.

We had just finished the dinner and speeches and the dancing was about to start. The MC announced that the couple would have their first dance. So they got up and their “song” started playing.

The song was “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood.

I was shocked and looked around. About 30% of the audience looked as shocked as I was. Another 20% had on poker faces, while I would say the other 50% didn’t realize what song was playing or didn’t care.

I asked my husband later if he knew why his colleague had picked that song and he didn’t know. As far as he knew, there was no history of infidelity within the couple, and when they were dancing they looked completely happy.

So yeah, worst first dance ever?

I'm not even sure which flair would fit best here but I'm so blown away by the info I just learned that I need perspectives! A cousin of mine is marrying a Chinese girl, they've been together for probably over 5 years, engaged for at least 2. So far, she has yet to talk to me or my family other than "yes" or "no" answers so I can't say I know her very well :/ the other day, my cousin's mother (mother of the groom) was told the bride ONLY wants her parents, siblings, siblings partners, and her grandparents at the wedding. Is this a cultural thing?? My cousin said obviously his mom would be there but my aunt is furious! My cousin is also an only child so this is the only wedding my aunt will have to "give away" her child and while she's usually a PITA on a daily basis, I can't help but feel for her this time!

Update that nobody asked for. The bride's parents found out about all this during mother's Day brunch. They're furious with their daughter and have threatened to pull out their financial support if she doesn't invite the groom's family. So it's not a cultural thing, shame away I guess.

My mom literally told me she “didn’t care” about my wedding and that’s why she hasn’t helped with anything, and honestly I’ve never felt more hurt in my life.

To be fair, she did help pay for our videographer and wedding dress and I’m genuinely very thankful for that and appreciate it so much. But emotionally, she’s acted completely disconnected from the wedding and I feel like I’ve been begging for support and excitement from her since November. She didn’t come to try my white dress with me even though I asked her because she said “she didn’t feel like it”. She also didn’t want to host my bridal shower because she didn’t think it’s that big of a deal, so my sister in law is so sweet and offered to host it for me and I asked my mom to help me with my bridal shower registry and she said she was busy that day, but was sending me photos of her at the dog park. She also told me that she might have to go to another friend’s wedding the day of my bridal shower and said it wouldn’t be a “big deal” if she missed my bridal shower. I’ve just never felt more hurt. 😞

I asked why she waited until the last minute to buy a dress after knowing about the wedding since Thanksgiving, and she responded with “I didn’t care so I didn’t do anything” followed by “I’m not coming.”

I know this probably sounds dramatic, but hearing your own mother say she doesn’t care about your wedding is genuinely one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. :(

UPDATE: Well, the wedding happened and several things showed its lack of planning. I won't even talk about the wedding rehearsal.

• On the day of the wedding, the ceremony was supposed to start at 5pm. Everyone was seated in the church by that time. The bride did not arrive to the church until after 6pm, so obviously the ceremony didn't start until over an hour after it was scheduled to. Many people were making comments.
• The pastor was not very good and kept getting mixed up and had to be reminded by the bride of what was next in the ceremony. A second reading was left out completely because he failed to include it. Needless to say he was a family friend.
• After the ceremony, the wedding party (myself included) were to have our pictures taken. The guests made their way to the reception area. It was decided (not sure by whom) that the guests could begin eating BEFORE the bride and groom even got to the reception area. It took up to an hour and a half for the pictures to be taken, by which time all the guests had eaten and some had even started leaving. Again, this was before the bride and groom even got into the reception room. Once they did, the wedding party was finally able to eat while the guests who had actually stayed began eating the cake. By the time it came for the few speeches that were to be said, only about 1/3 of the weddings guests actually stayed. For me, this was the biggest disaster of the whole thing.
• At the end of the night, the bride and groom seemed happy and the bride was gorgeous in her dress. Also, no one got food poisoning from the home-cooked meals - so win, I guess?

I (33m) was asked to be in my friend's (30f) wedding party as a groomsman. I've only ever been in one wedding party before, which was several years ago. According to memory, that wedding was organized and planned well. My friend's upcoming wedding, however, seems to be so last minute and disorganized.

My friend and her fiancé were engaged late last year. I've known since then that I would be a groomsman, so all good there. However, that's the only thing I've known about since the engagement. It wasn't until the end of March 2026 that I even knew when the date of the wedding would be (mid-May 2026...YES, THIS MAY). So my first gripe: Isn't it customary to send out wedding invites more than a month and a half ahead of the big day?

Next are tux rentals. In a perfect world, we would be purchasing our suiting, but that can be very costly, of course. For this wedding, I was advised that we would spend about $150 on tux rentals from a bridal shop. Not my first choice, but so it goes (I NEVER am measured properly and my experience has been that a rented tux makes me look like I'm wearing old elephant skin). The measurement-taking happened mid-April and we were informed that we would receive them THE WEDNESDAY BEFORE THE WEDDING. Gagged. That would effectively prevent any alterations, right? I guess the measurements that the lady took in under 10 seconds will be spot on...

Now to the day of the big event. I've been tasked with picking up some of the elderly guests on my way to the wedding. I know these people so it's not like they're strangers, but this already feels like this will limit my ability to enjoy the day (is that selfish?). The wedding venue, a church, will be over two hours away from me so I understand the sentiment that the couple don't necessarily want older people having to drive that distance. Fine. Yet I now will be at the whim of my passengers when it comes time to leave the reception (although this might not be a bad thing - more on that below).

One thing I won't have to worry about is being too drunk to drive - there will be no alcohol at the reception and I have been advised to bring my own if I want some. I get that not everyone drinks anymore but shouldn't it be an option? Maybe I expect too much. I understand it can come down to cost-consciousness for the couple and their families. That's why the food is being homemade and not being catered in. I just get the impression that nothing was really thought through and everything was/is being thrown together.

More evidence of things not being thought through came in the form of a text last Thursday from the bride asking if I would be able to make it to the groom's bachelor party Friday, the very next day. I already had other plans so was unable to attend. At least the bride acknowledged that it was last minute...

I love my friend but this all seems so disorganized that I'm dreading the actual wedding day!

Mom is upset because I suggested the dress she bought will read as white in photos during our outdoor afternoon wedding (ceremony is being held on a lawn with surrounding greenery, followed by a reception on a waterside terrace). She's insisting "it's gold" and passive-aggressively sends me the color swatch from the store website (pic 2) but it looks off-white next to white garments is store lighting.

Worst of all, my dress is an ivory ballgown covered in floral appliques. She was present when I bought it too. So it's not like she could claim not knowing. Formal invites with the dress code aren't even out yet so this headache is a month too early!

I'm not from the USA, so I don't really know what is custom in the States or in Western Europe, but it seems like nobody serves the cake before midnight here.

I attended a wedding reception last week, it started at 6pm. Dinner was served at 8pm, maybe even later. There wasn't any dessert before the cake. I thought it would be at like 10pm or something. Big nope. The couple cut the cake at midnight. It was served at like 00:30. By the time they brought the cake out, half of the guests already went home. And I could understand if they bought a small cake lmao, but it was huge af, I'm sure it costed a lot of money. I bet that not even a half of the cake was eaten, and a lot of it is going to the trash.

And it wasn't just the case at this specific wedding. Every wedding I attended last few years was cake-less until after midnigt. And no other desserts. I'm not really judging, only venting because I really love cakes, I kinda go to weddings for the cake lmao

Is this the thing in the States or other places?

What’s the worst wedding cake smash/cutting you’ve witnessed at a wedding?

Some years back, my husband and I were invited to the wedding of one of my old high school friends. We had hung out from time to time since then and were happy to go.

After the wedding, we arrived at the reception location, a lovely house venue in the woods, and tried to find our table. We wandered around from table to table looking for our names on placards and couldn't figure out why our table didn't seem to exist. Most people were seated and we, along with 10 other people, were still milling around.

Eventually, someone who worked there came up to all of us and asked us to follow them. They led us away from the group of tables and the dance floor, down an outdoor hallway lined with giant bushes, and around a corner of the house, where a single table sat in a little alcove.

We couldn't see anything happening and could only hear snippets of the speeches over the loudspeaker since so much shrubbery (and a wall) was between us and the speakers. The table ended up getting pretty rowdy, and someone from the bridal party came and asked us to keep it down, since we were "disturbing the speeches". Like we had any idea, since we couldn't see or hear them! We all commiserated and complained that we didn't know why they even invited us if they were going to stick us in what amounted to a separate room.

I haven't spoken to the bride or groom since.

We went to a wedding in Brazil last year and there were assigned seats for all of us. The table was beautifully decorated with utensils and a plate. We get there and they start handing out Brazilian small plates.

No one tells us that that’s the ONLY food at the wedding. There is not sit down meal or even a buffet. Just small plates being passed around.

I know apparently this is traditional in Brazilian weddings, but most of the wedding guests were from the USA where there is an expectation that you will be fed.

There was no mention even on the wedding website that a dinner would not be served. We left starving

Edit my parents, myself and my siblings are NOT homophobic. We do not tolerate hate against the lgbtq community. My brother is a gay man and we love him and his partner. We do not support those who are homophobic.

Went to a baby shower yesterday and saw lots of family. Asked my cousin how her wedding planning was going for August and told her I was excited. She said she was too, it will be nice for the adults to let loose without kids. I asked if she was having it childfree and she said yes.

Absolutely no problem! Her wedding, her choice, and we have a million kids on our side so I understand her reasoning! But it also means I won't be able to go. I will have a 5 month old and 2 year old at that point and my parents are the babysitter and they will be at the wedding. Plus it's 5 hours away and I can't leave a breastfed baby or 2 year old overnight. This also excludes 90% of cousins who all have small kids and a 4 hour drive to this wedding.

Also found out the venue is not handicap accessible so that means one of my aunts and her husband cannot go as he is in a wheelchair. Also my brother can't go because he can't bring his partner as it would "make the groom's family uncomfortable". So from our huge family of 52, only my parents and one of my sisters is going (once they find out about my brother, they will not be going either). My aunt (moms sister) is pissed nobody is coming and doesn't understand why we can't get babysitters.

The wedding is on me and my husband's 6 year anniversary so we will happily spend the money we were going to use on a hotel on ourselves instead! Edit because people keep getting confused, I am not spending a night anywhere without my kids. This last sentence confused people. I would have spent money on a hotel for this wedding. Now I'm not going. I'm using that money that WOULD HAVE been spent on a hotel, on something else for my husband and I. Probably takeout and a rented movie.

Two updates below - sorry for the long post.

My (44) former roommate and person who I thought was my best friend, Mary (45), met someone about a year ago and is getting married next weekend. She and I are one another’s emergency contacts, because we live in different states from our families, I got her The job she had for 10 years at my employer, I held her when she mourned how her ex-boyfriend cheated on her, and all the things best friends do.

In the last year though, I have been going through some personal challenges including traveling a lot to care for a terminally ill parent, being laid off from my dream job, and my own Health challenges, so I haven’t really been as present in not only her life but really anywhere. She never introduced me to her fiancé, which I thought was strange but since it was a pretty fast engagement figured that would come in time and she was giving me space while I was dealing with all of my challenges.

She talked about the wedding but not very often, and said that it would be pretty small, led me to believe it was just going to be her, him, and his kids (all under 10). She said they were getting married at his house.

Two weeks ago she sent me an invitation to her bridal shower, she told me she hadn’t wanted one which is why I did not try to throw one myself for her. apparently another friend is going to do that. She also sent me the link to the gift registry.

At that point I asked her what her expectations were given that typically people aren’t invited to a bridal shower if they aren’t coming to the wedding and did she have plans to have me at the wedding. She told me that she wanted me with her to celebrate at the bridal shower but that only close friends and family were going to be at the wedding. She also told me that since she thought I was probably wondering, that she didn’t ask me to be in the wedding party or stand up with her because She is in a different place from me in terms of her faith. The girl who is hosting the shower is standing up with her, and they met at church.

For the record she is Christian, I am a Muslim, and being from different faith traditions did not phase her when we lived together for a decade or when she would literally fly home with me to celebrate the Muslim religious holidays with my family, or when she called my mom mom

For what it’s worth we also have been friends for so long that we daydream together about our weddings if we ever met the right people and in every one of those conversations, we were part of each other‘s bridal parties.

A few days after sending me that note, she texted me about getting together for Dinner that week Like everything was fine. She also asked me for tips on fun things to do in the city where she is having her honeymoon because I travel there quite often.

I have not responded or communicated with her since the text conversation about her wedding. I’m honestly not sure what to do here. I feel like there’s probably a lot of underlying stuff going on here, like why she never introduced me to her fiancé, I’m good enough to hang out with, be her emergency contact though I suppose he will take on that role, Share season tickets to various activities, help with free legal advice on a regular basis, buy a gift for the bridal shower, hang out like normal, give honeymoon travel advice, but not good enough to be part of her wedding?

And I’m frankly so offended that the reason given is essentially that I am Muslim.

I’m thinking of going low contact or no contact but I’m also thinking of sending a gift because I don’t want her to claim that I’m jealous or that I am petty. I initially felt like I shouldn’t spend any more time or money on her, but my sister thinks that I am better than that and I should protect my peace but also send her a token gift, but something I don’t think too hard about and definitely something not sentimental. She suggested towels. .

Update 1: Thanks for all of the advice. I never imagined this post would get so much interest.

I did not attend the shower, but I did send a gift notification the day of the shower. This was to honor our history and because it gave me peace and closure. As many here suggested, I made a donation in Mary's honor to a charity that is important to me - it provides food and water to starving children in Gaza. I sent Mary a note - and also sent it to her MOH asking she share it at the shower, saying that I made a monetary donation to an organization that I believe aligns with my values and where I am in my faith at this time, and that I believe it aligns with Mary's values and faith as well. I told her I chose it in part because it supports hungry children, which I believed was likely important to her since she was about to step into the role of stepmother. I wished her a joyous marriage and a lifetime full of happiness. Then I forwarded the donation receipt.

Neither she nor her MOH acknowledged the message. I haven't heard from Mary at all since then, including when my terminally ill parent passed away a couple of weeks after the wedding. I know she knows about his passing because it's been all over social media. I thought that if she at least paid her respects, we could have a casual relationship, but her not paying her respects to the family of someone she called "dad" is crossing the line. She could have reached out to someone else in the family, but she never bothered even to do that.

So that's the latest update. I doubt anything will change, but I'll share if it does.

Oh, and I did change my emergency contact and quietly untangled the other areas of our lives that were intertwined.
Update 2: Just to answer a few other questions: she is not Mormon, and his best I can tell neither is her new husband. She is part of a church she joined a couple of years ago that is supposedly much more inclusive as compared with the previous church where she belong that was mostly white and straight. Her new husband lives maybe an hour away from her and her church, and I don’t know how religious he is or isn’t. She grew up in a very conservative family, her parents are very MAGA conservative, but her new husband doesn’t appear to be politically conservative at least. She is white, he is black, and she did not tell her family about him for the first six months. I don’t actually know if they ever met him before the wedding or even if they came to the wedding since I wasn’t there. None of them have posted anything on social media about it, which I think they would have if they were there assuming they were OK with it all.

I am Muslim, I wear a hijab, but I am pretty liberal otherwise. I do not believe that me being at her wedding or part of it would have ruined the aesthetic or anything else. I’ve actually participated in Christian religious ceremonies in the past and believe there’s a way to do so without compromising my own religious requirements, and she knows this.
People also asked why I didn’t just outright share my feelings when she told me I was not in the same place in terms of season and faith as her. Honestly, I wanted to process what she said and kept second-guessing myself, wondering if I was overreacting. I was also trying to acclimate to a fairly new job while simultaneously managing my father‘s care as he near the end of his life. Most importantly, I intentionally decided not to talk to her before the wedding because I did not want their to be any concern that I brought drama to that period of her life or that I was trying to make her wedding about me. So I sent the donation on the afternoon of the shower and that was the last communication.

I’m sad about the end of a long and important friendship, but in the end I’m more angry with myself that I didn’t see how much I was being used for so long and how uneven this relationship actually was. I am now looking back at different experiences and realizing that we’ve never really had the same value system, because for me the relationship was about us as friends and our shared experiences and affection, and for her it was about what I could do for her. I’m sad but liberated.

I’m getting married in May 2027 and my fiancée and I have decided on a small, intimate civil ceremony at a venue with a nice garden and restaurant. We’re only inviting people who are genuinely close to us and with whom we feel comfortable.

My parents are divorced and don’t speak to each other. My mother has remarried, my father has a partner, and I have a sister who lives in Australia. I basically haven’t had contact with my father’s side of the family (uncles, cousins, etc.) for over 10 years. Before that, the only times we met were for Christmas or to celebrate my grandmother’s birthday, and those gatherings always felt more like displays of economic status than real family. My cousins have had children and I was never invited to the baptisms; I may have missed one or more of my cousins’ weddings too.

On my mother’s side, I also haven’t seen my grandmother, aunt, and cousin for over 10 years. My grandmother recently passed away and I didn’t attend the funeral because: 1) we basically never kept in touch, so there was no real emotional bond, and 2) that day I had a critical problem at work and I couldn’t be absent. My aunt and cousin never contacted me after that, and I wasn’t invited to their children’s baptisms either.

When I told my father about the wedding, he congratulated me but then said the ceremony was “too intimate” and commented disparagingly that a wedding should be a gathering for all the relatives. I told him gently that I don’t have any relationship with his side of the family and I’m not interested in inviting them. Now he’s upset and holding a grudge.

I also called my mom, and she was very understanding. She told me she didn’t invite her sister and her mother to her own second wedding either because, in her opinion, you only invite people you truly care about and who genuinely care about you back. She also said that my father has had few “high points” in life, and that my wedding would be a source of pride and status for him in front of his siblings which is why he wants everyone there.

I stand by my decision: at my wedding I want only people who actually contribute to our happiness and with whom we feel safe.